Dumped By A Narcissist

LegacyUser

Hi guys,

Yesterday I was dumped by my girlfriend. I found out she was cheating on me, and after my counselling session this morning, I have realized that she is a total narcissist.

I am in bits, I sacrificed a lot for her, friends, money, a LOT.

How do I pull myself back together?

Has anyone else been with a narcissist?

LegacyUser

Hi OP,

I am sorry about your situation. However, could you explain what you mean when you call her a narcissist? I know what it means (think the world revolves around them etc) but how did it manifest in your relationship? Cheating does not make someone a narcissist.

LegacyUser

Basically she wanted non-stop compliments all the time, yet when I did anything well, I got nothing. I constantly did nice things for her, although she never did ANYTHING for me. We lived a distance apart, and I always got the train or drove out to her, she never once over the course of a year came out to me.
Also, her family was a breeding ground for narcissism, and while I have sympathy for her situation there, she treated me like a dog. She resented me going to college in September, and hated that I got a part-time job - basically anything that bettered myself. And now, when I have family issues and major stress with exams, she dumps me.

Why am I so devastated? I hate her. But I love her.....

G-Money

We don't know all the details but it sounds like you are better off without her. To be honest, it sounds like she needs to be with a mirror, rather than a man.

It will be hard, but if you want to get over her, just focus on all her negative traits. It sounds like you will have a list the length of your arm to choose from. Don't let yourself start to think about any good times you had as that will just rose-tint the break up and make you question it and wonder if it's worth going back to her to ask for a 2nd chance. Doing so would be a huge mistake.

Putting the narcissism aside, what would get my back up is the fact that she cheated. For me that's the ultimate slap in the face and betrayal and it disgusts me. She obviously doesn't love you so why does she deserve you to be spending all this time loving her in return? Why does she deserve you to be pining away over her? Why does she deserve you even taking the time to start this thread? The fact is that she doesn't deserve any of those things.

I'm not saying you can just flick a switch and suddenly you'll be feeling better, but if it were me, I'd just start the process of eliminating her from my life and getting to the point where it's like we'd never met. I don't believe in keeping in touch with ex's, unless both parties are ok with that, which often isn't the case. Keeping in touch with a cheating ex? Never.

Just start getting rid of anything that reminds you of her. She's no longer part of your life now, and I'm sure she's not sitting around giving you a 2nd thought so why should you return the favour?

It's tough, it will take time, but you'll come out better and stronger, even though I bet you don't feel like that now.

Good luck.

Nevyn

OK so she dumped you and she had issues, but don't let that side track you form the work you are doing on you and your issues in counseling.

taram

Despite your feelings, you have to remember that it's not worth it, they're never going to change, and you were an excellent boyfriend. There's plenty of girls out there who will appreciate your love, so first off you need to look after yourself. You'll look back on this and appreciate you got out when you did.

TitoPuente

Being in a relationship with a narcissistic woman is a confusing and humiliating experience and I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. Believe me, I've been there. Once you've confirmed that she is in fact a narcissist though, it's a lot easier to remove your emotions from the situation and look at things objectively. It's not personal - the crappy treatment you received was because you were with an emotionally crippled individual.

In many cases there's a sad childhood story behind the situation. So even though these women act monstrously towards guys who try to get close to them, they still deserve a certain degree of pity. If (you think) she hasn't cheated on you then there's nothing wrong with remaining friends after a term of separation provided that you're strong enough not to get sucked back in and to appreciate the woman for what she is. In most cases though, you're better off just steering well clear of her.

OP - you say you love her. You're going to have to stop loving her unfortunately. If she really is a narcissist then it's virtually impossible that she's going to change. In very rare cases, a life shattering circumstance can wind back their emotional damage. Many female narcissists tend to 'balance out' somewhat when they hit their late 40's/early 50's. However the narcissistic woman's psychological damage is so ingrained into her psyche that it's virtually impossible to get them to admit to their problem and to seek help. I know it doesn't excuse the terrible treatment that narcissistic women subject their partners to... but it must be horrendous to live your life not being able to love or trust. I feel sorry for these pathetic creatures to be honest.

seraphimvc

if she is really a narcissist then you really better off without her. was in a similar situation - the ex is dragging me down, make me constantly feel insecure and pressured etc but i realised that and decided to end it. never regret it

if you dont feel happy with the relationship then that is not a relationship,both of you are supposed to happy!

skooterblue

The First thing to do is to get rid of her out of your life.
*Clean your room/house and either return all of her possession or throw them out. If returning use a third party.
*Cut all links of communication and put as much distance between you and her.

and most important "the best revenge is living well", go out there and live your life the way you should!

I hope this helps.

LegacyUser

OP here,

Sorry if it seems like I'm flogging a dead horse. I'm doing well enough having cleared my life of her at this stage, but I was just wondering if anyone could share their stories regarding being with a narcissist.

At times I felt as if I was going insane, as if everything was my fault. I have heard she is with someone else now. I kinda feel a little sorry for the new guy, but at the same time, I feel a little melancholy

Yet at the same time, I know I'm better off without her. Kinda like the poisoned chalice.

Nevyn

The personal issues forum is for helpful advice and you can't expect people to share with you.

TitoPuente

Yeah. I don't think anyone really wants to go into the finer details of their narcissitic relationship to be honest. Particularly if there's a possibility that their ex reads boards.ie. Narcissists have a tendency to insideously undertake smear campaigns against their ex boyfriends/girlfriends - effectively projecting their abusive behaviour onto their innocent ex and accusing them of being the abuser to anyone that will listen. I know it's hard and confusing but my advice is not to flog the dead horse and take comfort in the knowledge that she's the one with the problem.

LegacyUser

First of all, the two of you broke up two days ago. It's a very raw time for you right now. Go easy on yourself. Don't expect to get over it quickly. Allow yourself to feel sad, angry, to reminisce, to love her, to hate her. These are all necessary to get over someone you loved, and who you thought loved you too. Don't go down the road of making a big list of her negative traits, that'll only be a set back to your recovery. They way I look at it, if you were happy to go out with her, why all of a sudden does she have all these negative traits? Were they not there when you were seeing her? If they were, why did you continue to see her?

Second of all, when you get through your grieving (I think a break up causes something close to grief!), get back out there with your head held high. Do activities you love to do and do them so that you'll get enjoyment out of them, not just so you'll meet women. Try not to transfer what your ex did onto other women-easier said than done I know-but this will only impede you in your recovery. Learn from your ex-if you start to see another woman, and she starts to show signs of being like your ex, talk to her about it. Don't assume other women will be the same as your ex.

Best of luck to you, the next short while will be tough, but you can get through it

LegacyUser

NarcissistVictim wrote: »

but I was just wondering if anyone could share their stories regarding being with a narcissist.

Oops, just saw you posted the original post on 08/05!

Good to see that you're getting over her. But your full recovery is being held back. Why are you still thinking about her negative traits? As I said before, were these not present when you were going out with her? Or did they just suddenly appear when the two of you broke up?

It's impossible for you to move on if you're dwelling on her (whether you're thinking bad or good thoughts).

TitoPuente

unregistered wrote: »

Good to see that you're getting over her. But your full recovery is being held back. Why are you still thinking about her negative traits? As I said before, were these not present when you were going out with her? Or did they just suddenly appear when the two of you broke up?

Narcissistic relationships are insideous and the emotional abuse is subtle (albeit very damaging when you do realise what's going on). A lot of the time the person does just enough to keep you on board and gas lights you when you approach them with concerns about their crappy behaviour. Unless you understand the dynamic of this kind of relationship, then there's no point in using standard relationship logic to try and help the OP I'm afraid.

Having said that, being involved with such a monstrous emotional sadist (whether it's their fault for being that way or not) is an experience you'll ensure you never repeat once you recognise what's just happened to you!

flay

Well i had narcissist parents and the damege they can cause is unreal so i have a idea what a narcissist girlfriend would be like, its a type of personality disorder a paticulary bad one, the only way to get over her is completly remove her from your life also with a narcissist its well documented that getting angry with them and confronting them over their behaviour towards you is helpful.

TitoPuente

flay wrote: »

its well documented that getting angry with them and confronting them over their behaviour towards you is helpful.

Not necessarily. If you get too angry, you'll be accused of being the one with a problem. Bare in mind that narcissists are largely devoid of emotion and unsympathetic - so any emotion, frustration, anger, etc. demonstrated by you can be used against you. And most likely will be if the narcissist feels you might let other people know about their mask of perfection slipping.

Tread carefully.

HavingCrack

That relationship sounds horrendous
You're better off away from her.

LegacyUser

Thaedydal - The personal issues forum is for helpful advice and you can't expect people to share with you.

Noted, sorry.

The most annoying thing is that at times, when I think about it, I question whether I was the narcissistic one. But I have been told that I may be a little neurotic by a counselor, and therfore you can see how it turns into one big vicious cycle.

I suppose I can just feel sorry for her, and her new boyfriend. I kinda wish the best for them, I just wish better for myself!

LegacyUser

TitoPuente wrote: »

Unless you understand the dynamic of this kind of relationship, then there's no point in using standard relationship logic to try and help the OP I'm afraid.

I think there is a point to not raking over the way she treated him. Her problems are not for him to worry about anymore. I think forgetting about her would help him to move on. Doesn't matter if his ex was narcissistic, an axe murderer, passive aggressive, doormat etc, the only way you can save yourself from the mental torture of what happened is to firstly grieve, and then move on with your life.

flay

TitoPuente wrote: »

Not necessarily. If you get too angry, you'll be accused of being the one with a problem. Bare in mind that narcissists are largely devoid of emotion and unsympathetic - so any emotion, frustration, anger, etc. demonstrated by you can be used against you. And most likely will be if the narcissist feels you might let other people know about their mask of perfection slipping.

Tread carefully.

So true + a million (i sounded 5 when i wrote that)

when i said get angry i should have said acknowledge your anger towards her and find constructive ways to release it, i some situations it is nessacery to confront how you feel about a narcissists behaviour and in my case it was helpful but i realize your ase is different.

flay

NarcissistVictim wrote: »

Thaedydal - The personal issues forum is for helpful advice and you can't expect people to share with you.

Noted, sorry.

The most annoying thing is that at times, when I think about it, I question whether I was the narcissistic one. But I have been told that I may be a little neurotic by a counselor, and therfore you can see how it turns into one big vicious cycle.

I suppose I can just feel sorry for her, and her new boyfriend. I kinda wish the best for them, I just wish better for myself!

DONT FEEL SORRY FOR HER if shes a narcissist she will play on that!

Micahelxcx

I sympathise with you.
I thought I met a wonderful girl and we dated for a while. However, I began to notice that she always spoke to me about herself. She moaned about her job; lifestyle etc. She even confided in me about her medical problems.
I was taken in by it and tried to help her. When I did this she rejected me totally.
I challenged her about her behaviour and she tried to make me out to be the 'aggressor'. I treated her with the ultimate kindness and respect and generosity.
We lasted six weeks.
I felt very guilty afterwards, as if I had done something very wrong and offensive to her.
It was only when I was able to think about her personality rationally that I realised I was involved with a narcissist.
I had a very lucky escape.
You have had one two.
Thank your lucky stars.
Move on and forget her.
She has moved on from you if she is already seeing another guy.
She doesn't deserve another moment of your time.
You will meet a girl who appreciates you.

G-Money

She is someone else's problem now, be thankful for that. You can sit back and relax and no longer have the stress of dealing with her and her unreasonable and selfish behaviour.

It's a bit like working in a crappy job that you hate and it has you stressed. Even when you quit, it takes a while to let go and realise you don't have to worry about all the crap anymore and it's the turn of someone else.

The melancholy is just her winning, don't succumb to it.

TitoPuente

Precisely. Look, many of us will come across people with narcissistic, borderline or other personality disorders in our lifetime without knowing it - those of us that are unlucky enough to get into a romantic relationship with one will pay the price for it (but generally make sure it doesn't happen again!)

Bottom line - get these people out of your life. They're generally not even worth being 'friends' with as their only reason to stay friends with you is usually 1) to ensure you're not badmouthing them and letting people know about their real nature or 2) you're a continual source of emotional supply for them. Unfortunately these people are only partly human. Sad really.

LegacyUser

Just to give more background on the actual break-up. My parents were splitting up, and basically I was in an emotional jocker. I have gotten over the worst of it now, thankfully. I couldn't head out to see her (opposite side of Dublin - 30 mins drive) because I was in a bad mood. She dumped me when I had this stress, and with university exams coming up.
She asked to 'still be friends', but didn't really want us to hang out. I said that I'd still be civil to her if I saw her out, but I couldn't be actively friends with her. She got into a huge huff with me on that, trying to turn everything around on me. I cut contact from her.
Since then, I have heard her on my voicemail at night, when I'm asleep and don't answer. Just some more story for you guys.

I appreciate all responses.

MADMAN2010

Hi OP, I was involved with a narcissist.
She was American and married and very cute and attractive.
I was involved with her for 3 weeks physically and 4 months in total
(The rest over email, phone calls etc..)

With this girl, the sun shone out my ass. And in fairness I thought
she was the best thing that ever happened to me.
She was madly in love with me and I her.

When I was dumped (out of the blue) I was devastated. The last msg
I got from her that she was leaving to live her 'Perfect Life'

It took me 8 months to totally get over her, it took me that long to figure out
she was a narcissist (NPD) I never was involved with one before, so I didn't know.
But I'm just one of these people that has to figure people out. It's good to do as it gives you a greater understanding of people, but also you will see the red flags sooner. I met (not involved with) other female narcissists as they are now easy to spot.

I'm glad I met her, even though it nearly killed me to get over her. Because I never felt that in love with any girl ever before. Narcissists have an uncanny way of destroying people. Even players.

Also I do have some narcissistic traits

MADMAN2010

On a further note:
I have read a lot about narcissism in general and it is a fascinating subject.
There is a massive increase in narcissism (particularly in english speaking countries, America, Ireland & England) People in general feel entitled to things they don't deserve, and have not put any effort into. A lot of people think they are 'Perfect'.
Narcissists see people as cardboard cutouts. They do not have the one quality
which makes us human, which is empathy. In fact, they generally don't really know how to feel.

I'm not sure I pity them. Sure enough, their lives are tragic.
But should you really give time to people you'd rather kick in the eye (Morrissey)
If you want to get a better insight, get a general book on Narrissism and
then get 'Maligant Self Love' by Sam Vankin. But bear in mind, Vankin is heavily critisized. Get what you can out of it.

I'd give you a hug if I met you man. You will be stronger because of it.

Silverfish

Hi,

As this thread is over a year old, and the OP hasn't been back to the thread in over a year, I'm closing this.