perspective

LegacyUser

i have a bf who i dearly love and who loves me, the prob is he cant seem to pull himself together. he frequently does things to hurt me and never realises it until i end up full on confronting him over it and having to painstakingly explain why i'm upset. then his usual line is ok i see it now but i didn't then. always. but he never learns from it, he says he does and things will change but to me it doesn't seem to but he thinks things have changed.

one example is recently he had a new employee on his team. she was recommended by a friend of his who he used to work with. this employee took his friend and wife out to dinner to say thanks and asked my bf, he accepted and left me at home all night to go to this. he said he only accepted because his friend wanted to. he said he would bring me but i wasn't invited and this girl didn't even know i existed! she was paying so i din't feel comfortable turning up without an invitation. he didn't really get this and seemed to think well i told you that i will bring you but you're refusing so its your tough luck. he wasn't in agreement with my suggestionn of telling her that he already had plans with his gf that night and that he'd get back to her, so she had the option of saying ok get back to me no biggie or bring your gf as well. he said he isn't comfortable sharing his private life with employees. while i get that then why is he going to dinner with this woman???


any suggestions?

will give more info if req and thanks

LegacyUser

I see nothing wrong in the example you posted.
He went out for dinner without you, so what.

newtoboards

He went out with and employee who was footing the bill. The meal was arranged to thank the person who recommended them to your boyfriend. I don't think you should be invited even if she knew you existed. The meal was a celebration of her new job and you didn't contribute to that celebration. I don't think it's fair to expect your boyfriend to not go out just because you're not invited. We all have work nights out where spouses/partners aren't allowed and that's what that night sounded like. Maybe you need to lay off him a bit over this. If these are the worst things he does I don't see your issue.

Eve_Dublin

From where I´m standing you´re making a mountain out of a molehill and there´s no issue here. Honestly OP, learn to choose your battles carefully or he´ll eventually get sick of it and God knows what he´ll do then. Nobody, no man or woman, likes a nagging OH. Be careful you don´t become one (I´m only going on this issue so perhaps I´m out of line).

Ickle Magoo

Yeah, sorry OP, I'm failing to see the issue with the example above either - so he didn't fabricate some story to shoe-horn you into the proceedings, frankly, I don't think he should be expected to. He's entitled to go out to dinner without you, his friends are entitled to ask him and him alone to dinner. What is the issue?

LegacyUser

thanks a mill so far

ok some more info, he has given her lifts to places and refused to answer calls when i ring if she s there. she asked for more money after two months and he is considering despite his company is making a loss now. they go to lunch together a lot but he never tells me-when ive come to meet him at office ive heard from others. esentially i feel and others also feel she is heavily chasing him but he never says he has a gf??????? only to this girl

minidazzler

OP, you never made it clear in the first post, do you think he is cheating?

TBH, the first post, he did nothing at all wrong in that situation.

The second post, I think you may be clutching at straws. Best to simply ask him if there is something up.

Eve_Dublin

Lifts to places....grand...that could be seen as just helping an employee. Doesn´t answer your calls if she´s there...how do you know she´s there? Going for lunch together....I go for lunch with work colleagues of both sexes everyday. Normal. Going for candlelit dinner in the evening is a different kettle of fish. But not mentioning you is suspicious. Did he tell you that he hasn´t mentioned you and what was his explanation? Other people love to gossip so don´t let them influence your own judgement. Be rational about this.

Kimia

Ok alarm bells would be ringing for me now OP. Fair enough if it was just a work dinner thing which sounded quite casual - and even the lunches thing wouldn't bother me much - but I really don't understand why he hasn't told her he has a girlfriend!

How long are you together? She must know anyway if you've been turning up at work and they are gone out somewhere together.

Why don't you arrange with your boyfriend to meet him at his work and introduce yourself to her?

I would be very annoyed if my boyfriend was going out to lunches, ringing and chatting and being very matey with some random girl who he doesn't have a prior friendship with and him not telling her he's got a girlfriend!! :mad:

LegacyUser

tbh i dont think hes cheating but i am uncomfortable with his behaviour

it concerns me that he is willing to go out socially with a woman that is his employee but not willing to say he has a gf due to preferring to keep things private

Ickle Magoo

Why don't you just ask what is going on? If you don't like it then you have two choices, you can tell him you are feeling uneasy and ask him to be honest with you or you can trust your guts and leave - no-one here is going to be able to deduce what is going on between you and him or him and her.

Best of luck!

lillywhite1

I am struggling to see why he could not have brought you along and then paid your potion of the bill, or let you pay. More than likely, the other person would have been happy to cover everything.

It is a bit odd that he did not mention when arranging the dinner that he would have to consult with his gf first not because he is under the thumb but because he has a significant other who may have made some prior arrangements.

Having said all of that, do you have any other examples?

LegacyUser

yes i have a lot of these examples, i know she is in the car because he tells me when i have to confront him on it. there is also a trip he is taking and im not sure if or if not its with this girl and when i told him i am uncomfortable with it he said dont worry i would never touch her she is overweight. he has taken girls to lunch and come back smeliing of a female fragrance and when i ask him about his day he just says he was in the office and no mention of meeting a girl for lunch. he told me about a holiday he was going with a mate and asked if i would like to come along but never gave me the dates claiming he didn't have them until i was within my 4 weeks notice and then he had invited another 6 people to go who were all goin. he then said he was coming back early but when i saw his phone (we have same phone, not snooping ) there were even more people going on this trip, just a few days and honestly nothing major but i don't understand why he told me he wasn't going when he was inviting others and then why he said he was coming home early when he was making further plans abroad???

lillywhite1

perspective please wrote: »

yes i have a lot of these examples, i know she is in the car because he tells me when i have to confront him on it.


why is she in the car???


there is also a trip he is taking and im not sure if or if not its with this girl and when i told him i am uncomfortable with it he said dont worry i would never touch her she is overweight.


What?? But is she were not overweight he would be more likely to cheat!!

he has taken girls to lunch and come back smeliing of a female fragrance and when i ask him about his day he just says he was in the office and no mention of meeting a girl for lunch.


How do you know he took girls to lunch?

he told me about a holiday he was going with a mate and asked if i would like to come along but never gave me the dates claiming he didn't have them until i was within my 4 weeks notice and then he had invited another 6 people to go who were all goin. he then said he was coming back early but when i saw his phone (we have same phone, not snooping ) there were even more people going on this trip, just a few days and honestly nothing major but i don't understand why he told me he wasn't going when he was inviting others and then why he said he was coming home early when he was making further plans abroad???

Ok, that sounds very suspicious. Did he know you would not be able to go unless you got plenty of notice.


How long have you been going out for? Cause, in my view, you have plenty of grounds for asking him some serious questions.

lillywhite1

Sorry, I am still trying to figure out how to break up the quote. The answers to most of the questions are within the quote!!

WhatWillBee

Theres another thread in RI posted by 'bossygirlfriend' about a guy who has a girlfriend who didnt like him going to dinner with a work colleague+another couple and she was fighting with him over a holiday because she couldnt get time off work and he invited other people. Could this perhaps be your other half?

Anyway, have you actually asked him why he hasnt told this girl he has a gf? If thats all it would take to make you feel more comfortable Im sure he would tell her.

seenitall

WhatWillBee wrote: »

Theres another thread in RI posted by 'bossygirlfriend' about a guy who has a girlfriend who didnt like him going to dinner with a work colleague+another couple and she was fighting with him over a holiday because she couldnt get time off work and he invited other people. Could this perhaps be your other half?

Very important point. I won't say anything further, as I don't know how much I would be allowed to say...

LegacyUser

thanks very much for ideas. i had a look and no its not the same situation, i have a large amount of examples but didn't want to go into specifics as his best friend is on boards. In my situation i was never going on the holiday and he had planned it with a friend not with me just asked me along, thats not the issue i just didn't understand why he said he was not going when he was. We didn't fight about it and i never asked him not to go. I was going to a ball this weekend and invited a male friend as bf wouldn't be around so thats all i can think of. My bf doesn't think i'm bossy afaik, its really just a lot of situations arise out of him being inconsiderate, he says he sees it himself ut only ever after and he never changes. i know he would have lunches with women as he would tell me a story a while later sometimes saying oh x was sayng this at lunch etc. He never introduced me to anyone in his office and i've only visited him there 3 times. I don't really want to be introduced to her, if she is or isn't chasing him its not her thats the issue to me. Its my bf and how he handles it which i feel isn't with much respect to me. I don't really know what i am looking for from this. I don't feel i can chat to friends about it as i think they would go straight back or tell others etc. I just felt really reall upset yesterday and had to put it down somewhere, so thanks for letting me do that

Another thing that upsets me is when he does do something wrong like lying he will never admit it, he always says i wasn't lying its just he way it happened, it just really bothers me that he can't take responsibility

showgirl

perspective please wrote: »

thanks very much for ideas. i had a look and no its not the same situation, i have a large amount of examples but didn't want to go into specifics as his best friend is on boards. In my situation i was never going on the holiday and he had planned it with a friend not with me just asked me along, thats not the issue i just didn't understand why he said he was not going when he was. We didn't fight about it and i never asked him not to go. I was going to a ball this weekend and invited a male friend as bf wouldn't be around so thats all i can think of. My bf doesn't think i'm bossy afaik, its really just a lot of situations arise out of him being inconsiderate, he says he sees it himself ut only ever after and he never changes. i know he would have lunches with women as he would tell me a story a while later sometimes saying oh x was sayng this at lunch etc. He never introduced me to anyone in his office and i've only visited him there 3 times. I don't really want to be introduced to her, if she is or isn't chasing him its not her thats the issue to me. Its my bf and how he handles it which i feel isn't with much respect to me. I don't really know what i am looking for from this. I don't feel i can chat to friends about it as i think they would go straight back or tell others etc. I just felt really reall upset yesterday and had to put it down somewhere, so thanks for letting me do that

Another thing that upsets me is when he does do something wrong like lying he will never admit it, he always says i wasn't lying its just he way it happened, it just really bothers me that he can't take responsibility

Sorry Op to say this but Trust is everything in a relationship and to me this all sounds like you dont trust him! Alot of what you say is speculation - i dont think personally that there is anything wrong with him going for lunch with other women! i go for lunch with my male friends all the time and i would hate to think that their OH's were envious of that!

I think you should discuss your insecurities out with him and give him a little bit of scope for living his life a little bit the way he wants to! if you cant do that then im not sure there is a reason to continue in the relationship!!

What I dont get is that you said ye share the same phone - now maybe its just me but i dont know any couples that share the same phone! is that a bit weird?