Control?

LegacyUser

Hi there,

Am just wondering about this. I have recently become friends with someone through a friend of a friend who moved into my estate. Most of my friends don't live close by so I was happy about having someone in the neighbourhood. This girl is a really nice girl but have started to get a bit irritated with her behaviour. Basically I have noticed that any time we arrange to meet she either changes or cancels the plans. I have always been someone who accomodated others and started to get resentful of this so am aware that this is a touchy area for me. We are not arranging mad night outs or anything it's just local meetups for midweek drink, cup of tea kind of stuff so it's not as if my whole night is depending on whether we meet up. But For example I will get a text saying I'm too tired to meet or can we meet 2 hours later one hour earlier, leave it until tomorrow, have lunch instead of dinner etc. I find this rude personally. I think I give the impression of being someone who is laid back so this could be partly my fault. I am laid back to a point but when this happens regulary it pisses me off. Should I say something about this? How would you deal with it? Am i over reacting? Is this a sign of someone controlling or just a bit self absorbed?

Miss Fluff

I'm a bit like that too so I have sympathy with your friend. I'm a bit of a flake when it comes to arrangements and my close friends know that there is no point in asking me to commit to attending something ages in advance as I simply can't. It's not that I'm hoping something better will come along, it's merely that I don't know if I'll want to do that thing on a particular day and feel under enormous pressure if I've had to make a commitment to do something. Probably a bit selfish but there you have it.

If you want to spend time with this person, and are flexible enough to do so, then maybe meet on a more impromptu basis. So phone her up, ask her if you can pop in for a glass of vino in 10mins or what have you or tell her you'll have a really nice lunch ready in an hour, more than welcome to join.

By all means say it to her but I genuinely don't think her actions come from a bad place, just that she is a bit of a butterfly. If she is changing plans at the very last minute though, as in postponing lunch by two hours when you have the key in the ignition, then of course pull her on up on it.

LegacyUser

Hi OP here,

Thanks for your reply missfluff.

Should I take it that as no-one else reponded that this is see as a trivial issue and that I should really get over it. Perhaps am making a big deal of nothing?

Fizzical

OP, this would irritate me too. It is rude. It's self-centred of your friend, assuming that you can be picked up and put down on a whim.

I can take Miss Fluff's point, that some people are a butterfly and that's how they are. I can sympathise to an extent as I find it difficult to make plans in advance and prefer to operate in the here and now, but once a plan is made, I keep it.

You said it's good to have a friend in the neighbourhood. The mismatch in your styles will militate against the friendship so be careful. Maybe you should lower your expectations of this particular friend and just take pleasure in the meetings that do happen.

Take it all more lightly. She's surely taking it lightly! I'm really sure she expects you to be as free to not re-arrange as she feels free to ask it. Don't change your arrangements if it doesn't suit you, just say that's a pity - can't make it later on. And don't put off things that are important just to meet her cos it'll build resentment if the meeting doesn't happen.

Enjoy the friendship as it is. Don't try to make it more than she's offering.

FerrisBueller

OP,
What this person is doing would wreck my head! Try not to make yourself so available to them, it sounds stupid but it'll limit her chances of cancelling, etc and if she does she knows herself that she won't be able to see you again until X amount of time. If she isn't bothered a whole lot by it then I wouldn't call her a friend.