Multi-dating

LegacyUser

hi, I am on an internet dating site and I have meet 2 guys who I like.
I went on a date with each of them 2 weeks ago - and I liked both. They are both very different. One is really sweet, intelligent, mature, well mannered and has a good job, house etc - but we do not have so much in common. The other is a bit wild, v v cute and has a good enough job but I am weary of him.. there seems to be something lurking in the background - I am not sure.. but we have loads in common and get on v well. So i have dated both of them twice and I am due to go on a date with each one today and tomorrow.

But I feel kinda bad cos I think the first guy is falling for me. I am not sure about the second. Is it wrong of me to be dating the two of them like this? Where do I draw the line? We did meet on a dating site so I am not sure if the same rules apply.

Miss Fluff

I think you can continue dating them both as long as neither is under the impression that you are exclusive/going out. Think it's a shame that Ireland is not more like the States in that regard if I'm honest.

Monkey61

It is totally fine to date both but you have to tell them. Because we don't really do that in Ireland as a matter of course, it would be automatic to presume that the person you are dating isn't dating anyone else - so it needs to be said.

Be prepared though for neither of them to be too happy about it. I recently met someone online, and we are together now, but if after the first three amazing dates she had said that she was dating someone else as well I probably would have walked away. I wouldn't personally have any interest in waiting around for someone to decide if they liked me or not, if I was already sure that I really liked them. I would constantly feel on edge and under pressure to perform.

LegacyUser

hi, well i have had 3 dates with one and I have anther with the 1st guy tomorrow so we will see after that. Though neither have asked me if I am seeing anyone else..

Attol

As long as nobody involved is under any illusion that you're exclusive then I don't see the problem. I think as soon as anything starts to get serious or anyone starts having real feelings then it's time to evaluate the situation.

G-Money

I think you should let both of them know that you're seeing someone else. Like a previous poster said, you should expect one or both of them to not be too happy to hear that, especially if they've got to like you. I'm sure if you were quite into them you wouldn't be happy for them to say they had another girl on the scene too.

From my own point of view, I don't really believe in dating more than one person at a time. I'd prefer to meet someone, give them a chance without bringing someone else on the scene and having them effectively compete against each other, even if they're not aware of each other.

I know if I met a girl and went out with her a couple of times and was arranging more dates, I'd be pretty fed up if she told me she'd been seeing another guy all along. Like someone else said, I wouldn't be hanging around while she tried to figure out if she liked me or not, I'd be gone.

Denimgirl

I'm american and and hate the dating scene in the states there are far too many players and people falling for people who want to be with other people I much prefer the irish way of doing things.these guys are probably dating other girls too they met on the site.sounds like your having a good time! good for you!

LegacyUser

ok so been on 3 dates with both. So guy A - not so hot but it a real gent, chemistry is ok, clever etc. Guy B - bit of a wild boy but we defo have more fun.. and the chemistry is unreal.

So I need to decide - guy A is well into me - and he is rarely on line from what I can see. guy B i think likes me - but perhaps he is not looking for commitment. I would be if it felt right. But from what I can see he is on line a lot so perhaps my decision has been made for me.

Both want to meet again... in an ideal world I prefer guy B - but I am afraid that he may only be interested in fun. Any thoughts?

damienmcd

Don't just settle for someone because you think someone else, that you would rather be with, might not want to commit to anything serious. I have done this before and it is a horrible situation, always comparing the person that I settled for to the person I wanted to be with. It is not good for you or the other person in the relationship.

Either way there is a decision to be made and I genuinely hope you will not regret whatever choice you make.

GOOD LUCK!!!!

G-Money

You are painting guy B as a bit of a "bad boy" or at least that's how it's coming across in your posts. Perhaps he's not like that, but if he is and you decide to go for him, go into it with your eyes open and don't be surprised if he doesn't treat you that well in the long run.

A lot of girls can be attracted to the "bad boy" then a few months later they're clearing their local Spar out of Kleenex tissues and Ben & Jerry's ice cream as they're in floods of tears unable to understand what went wrong.

But like I said, perhaps he's not like that but it's the impression that's come across from the posts anyway OP.

Good luck.

LegacyUser

lol.. thanks,..

well tbh i was just thinking and he has a few things going on in his personal life.. and not long out of a long relationship - so he may not be a bad boy - but maybe just does not want anything serious.

timing is the problem here.. would it be possible to put guy A off and date guy B and if and when that ends pursue guy A again? Am i gonna be thrashed for saying that...

TheDieHardFan1

But I feel kinda bad cos I think the first guy is falling for me. I am not sure about the second. Is it wrong of me to be dating the two of them like this? Where do I draw the line? We did meet on a dating site so I am not sure if the same rules apply.

Why is it wrong? Guys date multi-date all the time.
An attractive women is chatted up constantly by men. She can take her pick. Women give out fake numbers to guys all the time just to get them to f*ck off. The most attractive women are often seen as b*tches because they would lose their liberty and their sanity if they had to be nice to all the guys who approach them with sleazy chat up lines.

On my lunch hour I go to a big bookshop in Dublin where there are always lots of women. I just go up and talk to them and get their phone numbers and I might have three or four dates in a week and usually one or two and sometimes more will have sex with me. I chat up women constantly wherever I go.

Women who do the same are called sluts.

Why is that?

Because most people don't have any guts and end up in real-hate-ships with a person they settled for.

The averge guy has about six sexual partners in his entire life.

Women have many more.

Enjoy yourself.

You only live once.

TheDieHardFan1

They are both very different. One is really sweet, intelligent, mature, well mannered and has a good job, house etc - but we do not have so much in common. The other is a bit wild, v v cute and has a good enough job but I am weary of him.. there seems to be something lurking in the background - I am not sure.. but we have loads in common and get on v well.

The first guy is a p*ssy. He has no balls. He is spending all his time trying to get your approval. He is predictable and he is boring. He already wants to marry you.
The other guy is a real man. It sounds like you don't know much about him because he doesn't talk about himself, he doesn't give a f*ck whether you like him or not and he is independent. He keeps that mystery alive which is what you really want.
Do you want someone who boring or do you want fun.
Pick the second guy if you have any sense.

G-Money

multidating wrote: »

timing is the problem here.. would it be possible to put guy A off and date guy B and if and when that ends pursue guy A again? Am i gonna be thrashed for saying that...

You could do that, but it would be a pretty horrible thing to do. Essentially you would be using guy A as a safety net in-case guy B doesn't work out. Would you really like to be someone's 2nd choice?

gavney1

OP, it really sounds like you're not that into GuyA. So, please just end it with him

I've been in his situation before, as have friends of mine. It's really not fair to string him along.

HOWEVER, it IS very early stages. You might find you like GuyA a bit more if you give him a bit more time, but I doubt it.

Emme

Guy A sounds like a decent genuine guy who another girl might like if the OP doesnt want to be with him. So if you're not sure about him set him free to find someone who appreciates his decency and go for Guy B.

But you might be sorry and wish you went for Guy A!

If it was me I'd go for Guy A.:) Eitherways don't mess Guy A around. Guy B sounds like he's well able to take care of himself.

LegacyUser

ok i will be honest here and lay the cards on the table..

guy B does not want a relationship, me thinks.. but he did say if it happens well and good. but TBH i would not want a relationship with him anyway.. he drinks too much for 1, and other things that i would not be happy about. But the sex is amazing... AMAZING.. (some may think I am a slapper but I have been in long term relationships - i know good sex - and I was not going to deprive myself of the pleasure I knew we would have together)..
We get on v well but in a superficial level - its all about fun and stuff.. i think he is keeping his deeper personality to himself - which is fine too.

guy A - the chemistry is not great but it has potential - and he is not soo hot in bed but has proven to be a quick learner..
we get on really great - and we can talk about stuff.. we could have potential for a relationship. And he is very happy with his life.. that is attractive. We have more in common than I thought..

But the truth is - I would love to have a fling with guy B for a bit... have good sex - and go out together (we are both big music heads).. and have a laugh - he is really funny.

But as I said I would not have a relationship with him - i could do with guy A...

Background is that i am not long out of a relationship so the fun of guy B is soo appealing.
But, guy A is such a catch.. would just love to have the craic with guy B first - get it out off my system.

I know this sounds like i am being unfair to guy A - but I do not mean it to be - i guess I just have a mixture of needs - and the foremost is to have fun.

They could not be more different - if i could put them together they would be the perfect boyfriend.

feast of famine..

Wagon

multidating wrote: »

guy A - the chemistry is not great but it has potential - and he is not soo hot in bed but has proven to be a quick learner..
we get on really great - and we can talk about stuff.. we could have potential for a relationship. And he is very happy with his life.. that is attractive. We have more in common than I thought..

Good guy then! But...

But the truth is - I would love to have a fling with guy B for a bit... have good sex - and go out together (we are both big music heads).. and have a laugh - he is really funny.

But as I said I would not have a relationship with him - i could do with guy A...

That's actually a shít thing to do to guy A.

Background is that i am not long out of a relationship so the fun of guy B is soo appealing.
But, guy A is such a catch.. would just love to have the craic with guy B first - get it out off my system.

Imagine you started going out with someone you really liked about 5 months ago but they told you that they didnt' want a relationship immediatly. Then you find out that this person was off shagging the hole of someone else for the great sex while you waited. I'm guessing that wouldn't go down to well with anyone.

I know this sounds like i am being unfair to guy A - but I do not mean it to be - i guess I just have a mixture of needs - and the foremost is to have fun.

Well then have fun but do NOT string guy A along. You are being unfair to him regardless of what way you look at it. Have the great sex with guy B and let guy A go and find someone who actually wants to jump on him from the start. I think that would be a much better relationship for him rather than being told to wait while you go off and have fun with someone else. Im looking at it from guy A's point of view. If a woman told me that she was sleeping with someone else for the amazing sex while i waited for her and wondering what the hell was going on, I'd show her the door. An ex of mine told me that she was sleeping with someone else around the same time we met. I was her second choice. That relationship lasted 6 months before I ended it. Go figure.

LegacyUser

this is morally challenging for me.. i guess i wanna have my cake an eat it.
Perhaps the reality is that i don't really fancy guy A - but I am 30 - I should really grow up and just choose one. And as someone says the fact that guy B is not so "on a plate" is appealing.. but god - i am not a teenager - why do I still find that attractive? Mind you he is a bit of a looker...
So attraction is important.. but how important - in the long run?

i would not like guy A to know - ever. I guess I do not like him that much if I am still thinking about the other guy..

G-Money

I think things have changed now that you've admitted you're sleeping with both of them at the same time. I don't know if it was just me but your posts gave the impression that you'd just been out on a few dates and hadn't actually went as far as having sex with them.

I'm sure if a guy was on here admitting the same thing he'd be slaughtered for having two girls on the go at the same time.

Unfortunately you can't have your cake and eat it in this situation. If you like guy A at all, you should let him go rather essentially tell him to wait for you while you go off and ride someone else.

I know if I was guy A in this situation with a girl I'd be telling her to get lost and I wouldn't want to hear from her again.

Let guy A go and let him find someone who wants to be with him.

miss5

OP you need to make these men aware that you are dating other men.
I think you need to deciede or you could end up with neither of them being
interested if they find out.

LegacyUser

grandmaster wrote: »

I think things have changed now that you've admitted you're sleeping with both of them at the same time. I don't know if it was just me but your posts gave the impression that you'd just been out on a few dates and hadn't actually went as far as having sex with them.

I'm sure if a guy was on here admitting the same thing he'd be slaughtered for having two girls on the go at the same time.

Unfortunately you can't have your cake and eat it in this situation. If you like guy A at all, you should let him go rather essentially tell him to wait for you while you go off and ride someone else.

I know if I was guy A in this situation with a girl I'd be telling her to get lost and I wouldn't want to hear from her again.

Let guy A go and let him find someone who wants to be with him.

its just the way it has worked out - timing is playing a big role here..

i see where you are coming from but i the reason i came on here is to that perhaps people could see this from MY point of view.. and perhaps empathize with ME..

i know if I was guy A i would not like this but I am not gonna tell him regardless of what happens.. he won't ever know..

it is a genuine dilemma for me.. i have never been in this situation before.. and a moral dilemma at that - but i am just being honest..

LegacyUser

Hi OP

I'm in a very similar position to you right now. I've been seeing a chap for the last few months who sounds like your Guy B. Its good fun and nice to be sleeping with such a hottie. But we both agreed from the start that it couldnt be a relationship and thats been fine although neither of us have slept with anyone else in the interim.

Now I'm dating another fellow who I've much more in common with and I like to hang out with but who isnt as attractive or wild. I havent slept with him yet though as I wont sleep with two men at the same time. I'm holding off a little as I dont want to ditch my Guy B just yet, but I will.

So if you're looking for empathy there you go, I understand where you're coming from I'm thirty too.

Maybe if you're just out of a relationship you need a bit of fun before looking for something else serious, in which case you should let Guy A go and have your fun with Guy B and see where it goes...

dreamer_ire

multidating wrote: »

its just the way it has worked out - timing is playing a big role here..

i see where you are coming from but i the reason i came on here is to that perhaps people could see this from MY point of view.. and perhaps empathize with ME..

i know if I was guy A i would not like this but I am not gonna tell him regardless of what happens.. he won't ever know..

it is a genuine dilemma for me.. i have never been in this situation before.. and a moral dilemma at that - but i am just being honest..

The way this reads to me is your moral dilemma is whether or not you should continue sleeping with two guys. Having to choose between two guys is hardly a moral dilemma... that's simply a personal choice. I also think this has moved to a different level if you are sleeping with them both, and reading between the lines I'm guessing on more than one occassion. I wouldn't expect to be sleeping with someone and for them not to tell me that they are sleeping with someone else.

I think you need to let the first guy go, tell him you are not ready for a relationship as yet. That's how it reads to me... you've come out of a long term relationship and want a bit of fun for now. Nothing wrong in that but you do need to be honest with the first guy who seems to be committing to your relationship.

I think you need to let the first

LegacyUser

thanks to the 2 previous replies.

i have only slept with each one once - and I will not go down the road of sleeping with twon people on an on going basis - hence the dilemma.

Liam Byrne

multidating wrote: »

i have only slept with each one once - and I will not go down the road of sleeping with twon people on an on going basis - hence the dilemma.

I'd change the thread title, so.

Firstly, "dating" doesn't quite cover "sleeping with".

Secondly you're trying to decide which to go with, therefore you're not aiming to "multi-date".

LegacyUser

so what people who date do not sleep with one another?

i slept with not on the 3rd date for the 1st time.. don't think thats a crime

Wagon

multidating wrote: »

it is a genuine dilemma for me.. i have never been in this situation before.. and a moral dilemma at that - but i am just being honest..

Moral dilema my bollix! Now come on, you are using guy A and you have told everyone here that you will never tell him regardless of what happens. What you like about Guy A is that he gives you all the things the other one can't. So you want him around for that. And the other chap for the sexy time. You can't have both! You're just trying to combine them!

Look, just end it with the first guy and let the man find someone else rather than leading him on which is what exactly you're doing. Have your fun with Guy B and see where it might go in future because all things considered, that's exactly what you want. If guy A was such a great catch, you wouldn't be sleeping with someone else.

LegacyUser

thanks for all the replies.. I am going to go with guy B. We have it going on. The more I get to know him the more I like him. So there would be no point in being with guy A. now - my heart would not be in it.
i do not know what I am going to tell guy A. i REALLY REALLY want to do in the best damage limitation way possible.. any ideas?

Wagon

multidating wrote: »

thanks for all the replies.. I am going to go with guy B. We have it going on. The more I get to know him the more I like him. So there would be no point in being with guy A. now - my heart would not be in it.
i do not know what I am going to tell guy A. i REALLY REALLY want to do in the best damage limitation way possible.. any ideas?

I'd give him the straight answer. Not that you're sleeping with someone else, nobody wants or needs to hear that. Just tell him that you aren't interested in being serious with someone because you are just out of a long term relationship and you can't commit and although you think he's a real good bloke, you just don't feel the attraction.

I know it sounds a bit harsh but he'll get over it in a few days. And also, men really appreciate an honest answer. Now if you go and tell him the usual lines "i think you're a really great guy but..." or the worst of all "i see you as more of a friend", you may as well shag the other guy in front of him for all the good it will do. No man appreciates that kind of approach. So be honest with him and I gaurentee he will be fine in a few days and won't have any ill will towards you.

G-Money

multidating wrote: »

thanks for all the replies.. I am going to go with guy B. We have it going on. The more I get to know him the more I like him. So there would be no point in being with guy A. now - my heart would not be in it.
i do not know what I am going to tell guy A. i REALLY REALLY want to do in the best damage limitation way possible.. any ideas?

It's good that you've made a decision. However I think it's only fair that if things don't work out with guy B, you don't go back to guy A further down the line. It would be pretty humiliating and hurtful for him if he ever found out why you are ending things with him now.

I guess you could say you don't want a relationship or whatever, but that always seems disingenuous when the person starts seeing someone else straight away. It won't matter though if you don't see him again and he doesn't hear about it somehow. But if he does hear about it then he might feel slightly miffed which I guess he would be entitled to be.

Good luck.

LegacyUser

thanks for all those. Next question - do i tell him face to face or ?? Just so you know we have only met 3 times and most of our communication is via chat on line/text and the odd phone call.