My horrible brother...

LegacyUser

My eldest brother has always treated me like crap. I'm the youngest at 32. He's the eldest at 49. There are a few in between us. He has drifted from one relationship to another, no kids and is now single, probably for the rest of his life. He smokes/hash/takes uppers/downers (unprescribed) and is a completely f*cked up individual.

He has a ferocious temper and can change in an instant. As a kid, we were all afraid of him, my parents included. While he never hit anyone in the family, he was so prone to mood swings that if you knew he was coming home from work, you were on tenterhooks waiting to see what mood he'd be in. We fought for most of my childhood. I say we fought. He shouted. I cried. He's a complete and utter bully.
So having written the above, you would wonder what the question is I guess. Why would you want anyone like this in your life? Well here's the thing...most of my family have kids...and all the kids adore him. And he adores them in return. I'd say until they hit about 13/14, he plays with them, buys them things...he is a truly wonderful uncle. I've seen it with my spends time with them, makes them laugh. They love him. Doesnt lose the head once they are around etc.
It's like he can communicate with children, but once you become an adult, that's it.
So I now have my own child...and she adores him...he is very playful and would spend hours playing with her dolls house with her, or playing cards etc...she really adores him.
So yesterday we had an argument. Dont even ask me what it was about..but I got the usual abuse from him during the argument. I must add he is also a mysoginist..hates women..called me the most horrendous names etc...
And I've had enough. I want him out of my life. I want him gone. I can't allow him to treat me like this anymore. And I've told him so. it's like when he shouts at me, I am 5 all over again...and I hate the name calling.
So even as I ask this question, I know the answer...should I cut him out of my life..and what will I say to my daughter...she will miss him terribly...he is the only uncle who has any real time for her, as the others have their own children etc....
Before anyone say 'You need to sit him down and tell him you don't like how he treats you', this is not going to happen. I could do that, but it would fall on deaf ears.

PK2008

Im sure your daughter will get over it fairly quickly, cut this loser out of your life.

davyjose

i agree with PK. This guy might be putting on a show, or whatever, but knowing what he's like, do you really want her to cultivate a relationship with him? It's not like he's her Dad, he's only her Uncle. I haven't seen some of my Uncles in years. It's not ideal; of course you want family around. But when that family is toxic to your emotional well-being, then he can fcuk off tbh.

Also, do you really believe your daughter would swap you being happy for a few hours a week with this deadbeat?

LegacyUser

Probably should have mentioned that my daughters dad is not in the picture. This brother is the only consistent male in her life...On paper, he's a great role model to her. She wouldnt know of his temper, his moods or any of the stuff the rest of us would see.

I think in a misguided way, I look on him as the only male role model she has...I know what you're thinking, WHAT a role model..but like i said, he's amazing with her..
I've talked to my older nephews and nieces about this before...they all agree that he was the best uncle they ever had..but that he drifted out of all their lives as they hit their teens...and as older teens, they would see him arguing with their parents (my other siblings) and have all since realised what a messed up person he really is...
But they all agree they have wonderful memories of him....
Families, eh?

newtoboards

Anybody that treats you in such a manner is not really a good role model. Your daughter won't understand at the moment but you are saving her being at the recieving end of his impatience with her when she gets older. What happens if she witnesses one of his outbursts? It may be pretty bad for you but it will really frighten her so cut him if there's no reasoning with him

PK2008

Unregistered wrote: »

Probably should have mentioned that my daughters dad is not in the picture. This brother is the only consistent male in her life...On paper, he's a great role model to her. She wouldnt know of his temper, his moods or any of the stuff the rest of us would see.

I think in a misguided way, I look on him as the only male role model she has...I know what you're thinking, WHAT a role model..but like i said, he's amazing with her..
I've talked to my older nephews and nieces about this before...they all agree that he was the best uncle they ever had..but that he drifted out of all their lives as they hit their teens...and as older teens, they would see him arguing with their parents (my other siblings) and have all since realised what a messed up person he really is...
But they all agree they have wonderful memories of him....
Families, eh?

You're just making excuses to keep this guy in your life. Just get rid of him, you're daughter will be fine

Oryx

I would say you need to distance yourself, so do it. Your daughter will be ok, but may not understand right now, and will need it explained in some way.

Also, tell your brother that you have to do this. It may not achieve anything, but you need to point out to him why he is not seeing your daughter anymore. He may never change, but at least tell him, to give him the option of examining his behaviour (even if he never does).

My daughter totally adored a male friend of ours, I mean really full on hugging love, followed him around, talked about him all the time. (for no reason in particular, she just latched onto him). He emigrated, and she did miss him at first, but was happy to be told x is in such a place, he misses you etc. He gradually drifted from her thoughts, and she wasnt harmed by his absence at all. Hopefully your child will be the same.

LegacyUser

Hey Op,
Although i understand your worries over having your Brother around he obviously loves your daughter.
I would not take advise of people to cut him out of your life completely.Rather write him a long letter explaining your feeling of his mood swings and how they make you feel.Suggest anger management or to seek help with a therapist.
I have said already loss of my brother very sudden and wish no one should take for granted their siblings will be always there. As if he passed away suddenly how would you feel?
People have reasons for mood swings could many a thing and he sounds like he needs help from way back when he was small.As you pointed out.
When you write him the letter explaining to him how you are feeling perhaps the rest of the family can also.And tell him yous are there to support him and love him but he must seek some help with his anger issues that he seems to have.
Again i wish you would reconsider he has not physically hurt any of you in his life so its sounds like he is not a very happy person and can not help it.
Hope this helped take care and best of luck,Hope he listens for his sake and your families sake.

LegacyUser

Ok, you dont understand. If I wrote to him, he would rip up the letter and wouldnt read it. He has no interest in anyting I have to say. If I told him how I feel (which I have tried to do over the years), he really doesn't care. According to him, I'm a moron....I know I'm not a moron,he believes I am. He is not going to change. However, I have changed and wont accept his treatment of me anymore.
So the letter is a no no.
I think before I had my daughter, I always wanted a family that cared (none of my other family really cares about us, dont see much of them). I always wanted to instill a 'family' ethos in my daughter...this brother is the only person who has shown any interest in my daughter, in my family.
Actually, as I'm writing this, I think I'm begining to realise that this is actually more an issue about me and my family..than it is about my brother and my daughter...

up for anything

lillies wrote: »

Again i wish you would reconsider he has not physically hurt any of you in his life so its sounds like he is not a very happy person and can not help it.

No physicality needs to take place for violence to occur. Verbal, mental and emotional abuse are just as bad. He is an adult and needs to deal with his problems himself so yes he can help it.

My advice would be to tell him that he is out of both your lives until he can get a handle on his temper and moods. Children sense more than they are given credit for and while they are young most of them tend to behave in ways they know will keep the peace. This changes when they reach their teenage years which may be why he 'drifts' out of their lives.

Also you need to think of the potential harm it will do to your daughter when the only 'male role model' in her life just melts away when she will need one most. Better for her to learn to cope without him now rather than at that time.

Darthhoob

Unregistered wrote: »

Probably should have mentioned that my daughters dad is not in the picture. This brother is the only consistent male in her life...On paper, he's a great role model to her. She wouldnt know of his temper, his moods or any of the stuff the rest of us would see.

I think in a misguided way, I look on him as the only male role model she has...I know what you're thinking, WHAT a role model..but like i said, he's amazing with her..
I've talked to my older nephews and nieces about this before...they all agree that he was the best uncle they ever had..but that he drifted out of all their lives as they hit their teens...and as older teens, they would see him arguing with their parents (my other siblings) and have all since realised what a messed up person he really is...
But they all agree they have wonderful memories of him....
Families, eh?

no, no he isn't he may seem that way now but from what you say, as soon as she hits her teens, a time when she'd need a good male role model to show her men are not all gits (not that they are...but teens and hormones etc...)..he aint going to fill her with confidence about what real men are like.

LegacyUser

Upforanything....
Your post has really struck a chord with me.
My mother constantly spoke of this guy..almost every sentence began with 'keep the peace'. That expression will haunt me. It's what we all did when I was younger...say nothing to him to 'keep the peace'...
but as a child myself, you are so right. I felt the tension.
And although my daughter doesnt see the name calling etc....I am always very tense when he is around. I always make sure I have his favourite coffee in for example...if I give him a different coffee, he tuts or pours it down the sink. Never says anything, because my daughter is around, but makes it very obvious that he's not impressed....
Im sounding pretty pathetic here that Ive put up with his b*ll**** for so long..arent I...

up for anything

Don't beat yourself up over it. It takes some of us a long time to see the light and then a long time to switch it off, so to speak. When someone has been controlling you by 'fear' for so long it begins to seem natural and the way life is. It takes fear for yourself and other people to jerk you out of inaction and I think the fact that you posted at all means that you have concerns on new levels.

In my opinion you shouldn't be giving him any ultimatums as regards behaving better or you will cut him out of your's and your daughter's lives. It's crap, again in my opinion, to say that he may not realise how badly he is behaving because people have given way to him all his life and not pulled him up on his behaviour. If, as an adult, you are not self aware enough to know that you are acting the tyrant and treating people like dirt, than tough.

LegacyUser

I should probably also have mentioned...my daughter is making her communion in 2wks...this brother was the guy who was supposed to be sitting beside us in the pew (I'm not sure who else is, or can come to the church to be honest)....my daughter will be so disappointed if he's not there..
I seriously want him out of my life...I know I revert back to how I was as a kid, once he's around..it's so hard for me to explain, and like I said previously, even as I'm tying it, I realise how ridiculous it sounds. If I was reading this about someone else myself, I'd tell the OP to cut all contact and that her daughter would be fine, and probably end a much more rounded individual with him NOT in her life.
Funny how we can sort everyone elses life out, but when we are emotionally involved ourself, it seems so much more difficult.

LegacyUser

Unregistered wrote: »

Ok, you dont understand. If I wrote to him, he would rip up the letter and wouldnt read it. He has no interest in anyting I have to say. If I told him how I feel (which I have tried to do over the years), he really doesn't care. According to him, I'm a moron....I know I'm not a moron,he believes I am. He is not going to change. However, I have changed and wont accept his treatment of me anymore.
So the letter is a no no.
I think before I had my daughter, I always wanted a family that cared (none of my other family really cares about us, dont see much of them). I always wanted to instill a 'family' ethos in my daughter...this brother is the only person who has shown any interest in my daughter, in my family.
Actually, as I'm writing this, I think I'm begining to realise that this is actually more an issue about me and my family..than it is about my brother and my daughter...

I only suggested writing him a letter telling him all you feel even if he rips it up at least you know you have made the effort again.And you give the ultimatum of fix his emotional issues and respect towards you or you have to cut him out.
He calls you names (which in no way am i condoning)there is issues seeded from a young age behind it all.And it was your parents fault to allow him to continue such behaviour towards yous and them.
Sounds like he has anger and emotional issues and if he loves your daughter as much as he seems to isnt it worth one last attempt.
Cut him out until he has signed himself up somewhere to express his anger and upset without attack on you or anyone else.

But if you feel such then up to you.
Best of luck take care hope things work out better in the family.

LegacyUser

Theres no hope this guy will be signing himself in anywhere Im afraid - he thinks its the rest of the world who has the problem, not him !! And I disagree that it was all my folks fault - life was so different back then, they did the best they could do. My poor mother had previously lived in fear of my dad and I guess this brother has become exactly like my dad.
My daughter is already asking about him...where is he, why hasn't he dropped in in three days....
I have decided I dont want him around - just havent figured out what or how to tell her though!

username123

OP - detach with love. Tell him his behaviour is unacceptable to you and unless he can learn to behave in an acceptable manner there is no place in you or your daughters life for someone who behaves in such a toxic manner - end of.
Dont get drawn into further discussion - you must walk away and you must follow through if you do this - otherwise you just send the message that he can treat you any way he likes and youll let him - and any threats you make are empty (this is why is he still in your life btw, and still a bully to you, because you let him).

Dont be deluding yourself about his relationship with your daughter. Of course she senses the tension, and if he is as much of a bully as you say - she knows that too. He is a toxic influence and it is bad for your daughter to have someone in her life who her mother walks on eggshells around. Whats that gonna teach her? Itll teach her the frustration of 'keeping the peace' and thats all.

She will get over it, just say he is away and over time she will stop asking where he is.

Sometimes you just gotta cut the cord with toxic relations. i had to do the same with my own brother, a terrible bully - so I just told him no more one day and havent looked back since. My life has been far more pleasant, relaxed and less stressful without him in it. I feel good about it - never felt a moments guilt, I had to look after myself, who else was going to eh?

PK2008

You've turned into your mother OP, trying to "keep the peace", you're coming up with excuses not to give this guy the elbow.

If you wont cut him out , then you're justy gonna have to "keep the peace" like you've always done

LegacyUser

WOW.
"You've turned into your mother OP"

Those few words have hit me like a ton of bricks. One of the things that I hated about my mother (we didn't have a good realtionship) was that she was so weak with him and my dad. Not weak when it came to the girls though, the girls never really got a look-in.
the very last thing I want to do is turn into my mother when it comes to how she treated this brother.
Oh Lord.
That's a shock to me. But it's true. Crap. How did that happen.