no dress wanted

peggie

hi folks,
i got engaged yesterday but its still secret til tomorrow when we tell my parents and family, so here is only place i can ask questions to til then..

my man and i have talked about our day for the last year or so and we have very definite ideas of what we want, to be honest the date and location were picked over a year ago and we've talked through about how we want the day to go,

we're going to go to where we met for the wedding and are inviting a small number to join us. my problem is that i don't want to wear a dress for the ceremony. i was watching the wedding channel (research) tonight and it was talking about ordering them 7 months before so time-wise for december its possibly too close anyway but to be honest i just don't want one, i want to wear similar to what i wore for our first date and he's the same, we're both happy with our decision so really there's no problem ...
but weddings are never that simple are they? how do i explain that i don't want to be pressured into changing my mind,

catho_monster

have everything sorted before you tell anyone. buy the clothes, book the date and location, everything that you want do. then tell people, even - or should I say - especially in the case of close family, they'll go along with it if its all sorted, otherwise they're going to give you their well-intentioned advice and that's where it gets difficult to weigh up what you want versus what they think you want versus what they want for you.

Congrats

thats great advice catho_monster

MIRMIR82

totally agree tell noone until you have everything sorted

peggie

its all sorted in my head!
i can't buy exactly what i will wear yet as its the wrong time of the year but i guess nothing really wrong with pretending i have it already but want to keep it a surprise.. is there?

catho_monster

all I can say is that we had it all sorted in our heads too, but when we told people the story of our day, as we saw it being, they reacted (good and bad), they advised, they prodded and poked and i WISH, at this point, I had just sorted everything first, because no matter how well intentioned, they still prodded and poked.

you could pretend to have the dress sorted. only you know if you can pull that off.

I know its torture burning in you to want to tell everyone right this second, but if you could hold off just a few days and book things I'm telling you life will be simpler. If they think you have everything sorted, with proof per se of 99% it being booked, i.e. everything but the dress, they won't notice the dress issue at all and will be distracted by the "whole" thing.

peggie

your advice is good, but that's ok i'm not too worried about the booking stuff- its all decided if not booked and not open to discussion but you kinda helped show what i'm worried about- you assumed i'll be wearing a dress but don't want to show it to people, i have no intention of wearing one, i just want to avoid the expectation that i will

thanks for your feedback
peg

namurt

Depending on how supportive your family are you may still get "advice" and questions and "suggestions" but I think the best approach is to tell them about the plan for the day and slip in that you have "the most amazing outfit in mind" and you can't wait until you get to go and pick it out, etc. etc. Basically just say it in such a way that they know it's not a dress but you have an exact picture in your mind of what it will be and you're delighted about it.

Hope that helps, and good luck.

hazeler

peggie wrote: »

but to be honest i just don't want one, i want to wear similar to what i wore for our first date and he's the same, we're both happy with our decision so really there's no problem ...,

Wear excatly what you want to. Simple. And if anybody says anything to you then you can tell them "while you appreciated their advice and input, they can go flip off as its YOUR day and you'll wear what they hell you like". I have been to so many weddings at this stage, but the nicest one I was ever at the bride wore a trouser suit. I was at the afters of a wedding where the bride wore red, and I know a girl getting married in July and she's wearing purple. They all said this is what I'm wearing. End of.

peggie wrote: »

but weddings are never that simple are they? how do i explain that i don't want to be pressured into changing my mind,

Having everything sorted out before hand is good advice but its not practical as you dont want to have to keep this a secret until you have everything sorted out... You should not have to explain to anyone that dont want to be pressured into changing your mind. Thats just nonsense talk. You (as in B&G) are paying for it (I'm assuming here) so therefore the only say that goes is yours. If anyone tries to tell you you are doing something wrong or this way would be better or the rest of the blah, blah, blah that people feel they need you to hear about YOUR wedding, politely accept their opinion and then do with it what you see fit.

I'm getting married in 2 years and come from a family where the smallest party was 300. Im having 47. All my sisters and brothers got married in the traditional Irish way and we just hate that idea... I have had my fair share of nay-sayers and its 2 years away. All I do with them is smile, nod and say thank you for their advice. Its not worth changing your vision to keep someone else happy. Do what you feel is right for ye. If people don't get or accept that, then thats one less invite to send out!!

The Big Red Button

peggie wrote: »

your advice is good, but that's ok i'm not too worried about the booking stuff- its all decided if not booked and not open to discussion but you kinda helped show what i'm worried about- you assumed i'll be wearing a dress but don't want to show it to people, i have no intention of wearing one, i just want to avoid the expectation that i will

thanks for your feedback
peg

Congratulations on your engagement

If you want to avoid the expectation that you will be wearing a big white dress, maybe when you're sending out the invitations you could mention that the dress code is casual/smart casual/whatever? After all, it's acceptable to say that the dress code is black tie etc ... and it means that the guests will feel comfortable to dress down too, if they wish.