dilemma

darkdays

Lost job,mortgage,bills mounting up,saving gone after 12 months looking for job and wife is pregnant..can it get any worse. What a world to bring in a child...i'm in Construction and it's not likely to turn around in the next five years, can't move overseas now because of the baby. How can we feed a child when we are struggling as it is...we wanted a baby for years and now it comes at the worst period of our lives

darkdays

Whats the big problems having a baby in ireland, seem lots of threads say (public hospital)...as if it's a really bad thing compared to private. I have not been in a hospital since i was 7 so i don't know, is the difference that big?

I always forseen bringing a child into this world without these disasters of debt,poverty and uncertainty. We planned to move overseas for a job and were both due the medical next week....it was a great chance, we felt it was going to change our lives but she will be refused a entry permit when they find out she is pregnant

LashingLady

What country are you looking to get into? I don't think she would necessarily be refused a permit if she is pregnant?? However, I understand if she might prefer to be close to family when having first baby.

Anyway, babies are not as expensive as they are made out to be!! Honestly! Go public in the hospital, won't cost you a penny and the care is exactly the same as private or semi-private you just might have slightly longer waiting times and have to share a room with more people. However, due to the current baby boom there's not much of a difference between public and semi-private. I would advise you to call them and book now to get an appointment before 18-20 weeks as they are very busy. But you do what's called "combined care" where you share the maternity care with your doc so you should be able to go to him/her if there's any problems in the meantime.

All the stuff you get for baby doesn't have to cost too much either, you can get second-hand pram/cot/bouncer from friends and family and all the rest like clothes really just come to you.

If your wife is planning to breastfeed then there's no food costs for baby for a few months!

Seriously, both our income and spending have reduced drastically since having a baby and it's more manageable than you think.

Where are you based in the country? Have you decided what hospital to go to?

LashingLady

darkdays wrote: »

we wanted a baby for years and now it comes at the worst period of our lives

And just focussing on this part. Congratulations!!! You have wanted a baby for years and now you are on your way. I am not being patronising here it is truly wonderful having a baby.

Please just try to remember if you are in the 25-35 age bracket when we were all born in the 70's and 80's this country and our parents had NOTHING. But there was a baby boom back then just like there is now and they all managed. Yes it was tough but they managed. We were poor yes but we always had food on the table and clothes on our backs. I know when I look back at my childhood poverty was there like maybe I couldn't get the same christmas presents or new shoes as some of the kids but it doesn't take over my memories

I know how you feel let down by everything that's happened in this country over the past few years, we've just been working hard on our jobs and didn't have anything to do with this economic crisis but it is us who have to pay for it now. But if you can realise that it doesn't necessarily have to cost the earth to ahve a baby.

BostonB

Your just panicking and freaking yourself out.

Its not its a 3rd world country in a famine or war or something. You'll get by. Everyone does.

gowayouttadat

My son was born 9 months ago and at the same time my partner was laid off. Because they screwed up the paperwork I only just got my first child benefit payment. I thought it'd be far more expensive to have a baby. All the care was free. I have no complaints at all with the public system. Since the baby has been born presents have covered all his clothes up to now and will do until he's over 1 I reckon. Other than that all we've had to buy is nappies and food. That's it. The odd doctors visit here and there. They don't actually need much for the first few months. All they do is eat, sleep and poo!

darkdays

Thanks for the help but i don't fancy rasing a child just getting by, the child needs schooling,healthcare and parents who work in my book. We are looking at our options and one is that i leave and go work and send funds back...it would mean being away for 11 months of the year but to do this right we need money.

sarahlulu

I see your point, but the baby needs a Dad too. School is five years away, try not to worry about that until closer to the time.

unamused

darkdays - firstly take a deep breath and calm down...something similar happened me i lost my job and my apartment and my whole life fell apart towards the middle of last year i had to move to private rented accommodation and i am on jobseekers allowance then in december i found out i was pregnant im with my partner 10 years and although he was thrilled i was more nervous as i have always been a career person and having a family wasnt on the agenda however in saying that i am now six months pregnant we are broke beyond belief but i couldnt be happier i know weird but true
things have a way of working themselves out and although this is not how i would ideally like a child to be brought into the world it is what it is
if you have a mortgage i take it you have gone to your bank and explained the situation at the end of the day it is only money we all seemed to get caught up in the consumer based lifestyle of the last 10 years a child doesnt care about money as long as you both love them and spend quality time with them is the main thing as the beatles sang money cant buy you love
i know this all seems a simplistic approach but you need to be strong for your wife she is in for a rough ride and you having a nervous breakdown over money wont help
go and speak to your bank and try arrange a smaller amount to pay every month also do you not have some protection on your mortgage this should ease the worry of payments

Moonbeam

Why can't you get a job here?Why can't you leave the country for a job with the child?

Shazanne

This is going to sound really patronising and I honestly dont mean it to be. The most important thing that a baby/child needs is love from its parents. They wont care if their buggy is second hand or their clothes are hand-me-downs as long as they know they are loved and secure.
The fact that you are so concerned about this situation suggests to me that you are the type of guy who will really love a child. You wants what's best for the child and its important to you so his/her happiness will be even more important to you.
Things may be tough at the moment but they will improve - they have to. It wont always be this tough and you will look back and wonder why you worried so much.
Enjoy the fact that your first-born is on the way and cherish the months ahead. I wish you the very best:)

gowayouttadat

darkdays wrote: »

Thanks for the help but i don't fancy rasing a child just getting by, the child needs schooling,healthcare and parents who work in my book. We are looking at our options and one is that i leave and go work and send funds back...it would mean being away for 11 months of the year but to do this right we need money.

Having a baby is hard work. You will be needed more here than abroad. I definitely wouldn't have been able to cope in the last 9 months with my partner abroad working.

implausible

darkdays wrote: »

Thanks for the help but i don't fancy rasing a child just getting by, the child needs schooling,healthcare and parents who work in my book. We are looking at our options and one is that i leave and go work and send funds back...it would mean being away for 11 months of the year but to do this right we need money.

I don't mean to cause offence, but that sounds like a terrible idea. Do you have any idea of the stress you would be causing your partner by forcing her to raise your child alone? Yeah, the kid would have fancy branded goods but a stressed-out and lonely mum, unless you have very supportive in-laws.

The healthcare for pregnancy is free and by the sounds of your situation, you should be entitled to a medical card. As another poster pointed out, education is quite a few years away yet.

You and your partner may need to have a conversation about employment. You'll need to figure out if both of you can work and pay for childcare. Maybe your unemployment could be convenient, as you could do the childminding while keeping an eye out for work and your wife could go to work.

It's not difficult to spread the costs of the essentials you need over the duration of the pregnancy. Friends and relations can lend stuff like cots and and there is an ocean of stuff out there to be bought second-hand.

You will get by, because you have to.

Try not to focus on the negatives, this is something you've wanted for so long, don't let it be clouded by these worries.

darkdays

Moonbeam wrote: »

Why can't you get a job here?

with the greatest respect 'have you lived in a cave for the last two years'

I'm a construction site manager..it's a job that needs construction sites.

Not prepared to bring a child into this world barely getting by and we have to access our options. I'm not worried about new things for the child as our family will spoil the kid but it's the fact the child has to come into a stable enviroment. parents who know the have to leave to succeed but are unsure where in the world yet that is is not the enviroment.

cbyrd

first off i'm sorry for the essay...
the baby is on the way... what is your alternative?

when we had our first child 11 years ago. we were both living at home barely know each other (3 months dating when we found out i was pregnant)
i was earning £80 a week and he was on £120. to rent an appartment was £150 a week and we thought it would be a disaster.
We moved in with a friend her partner and their baby when i was 7 months pregnant, for 8 months..then we moved into the cramped space over where i worked,(no central heating no shower) for 2 years while we saved like manics
we bought our house and i discovered i was pregnant with number 2 baby on the day we moved in. extra childcare and a morgage and no car..:eek:
We sold up 4 years later in the boom and bought a lovely big house in the country with a big morgage that went with the times and a few loans, but as both of us were working in stable jobs we could afford it. Our family was complete...
Then i discovered i was pregnant with baby number 3 this time last year. our youngest at the time was 7.
there was no way we could afford for me to stay at home and no way we could afford childcare for 3... we bit the bullet and sold our house paid off our debt. baby arrived on jan 6th
we have no house again:eek:
i wouldn't change it for the world;)
Life changes all the time, takes you on all kinds of journeys you never planned for. so you have no money, you have your health, your wife and soon a baby, who knows in a year or two you could have a new job and this will be a distant memory.
I sincerely wish you all the luck in the world and i hope you realise what is really important. stressing yourself will not help. it will give you high bloodpressure and a bad attitude and will not allow you to think rationally.
take a step back..what is the worst thing that could happen.??
you could spend a year or 2 living with your parents til you get yourselves back on your feet.. it will not always be like this. look on it as the testing of how good you are in stressful situations.. a good barometer of how you'll do in the delivery room..:D
i really do wish you the best and i hope you will keep us posted on how you are doing.. this place is great not only for advice but to say the things you can't say at home for all sorts of reasons.. there's lots of support here
2 sayings i live my life by
when life gives you lemons make lemonade
Man plans...god laughs

BostonB

darkdays wrote: »

Not prepared to bring a child into this world barely getting by ....

Not everyone is lucky enough to have the choice.

Shazanne

"You have your health, your wife and soon a baby" - as stated by a previous poster. Read this line over and over again! I dont want to sound overly harsh here but there are many, many people who would give their right arm to be able to say that. You have to start looking at the positives here. Life is not a bed of roses for anyone all the time, but it is all mapped out for you. This is the way life is for you at the moment and, believe me, it's not that bad.

CathyMoran

I went through a very tough time medically to have my son - he is priceless to me - you have your health and a baby on the way, everything else is relative.

ztoical

darkdays wrote: »

Thanks for the help but i don't fancy rasing a child just getting by, the child needs schooling,healthcare and parents who work in my book. We are looking at our options and one is that i leave and go work and send funds back...it would mean being away for 11 months of the year but to do this right we need money.

Looking very very long term there OP...as others have said babies are cheap, kids can get expensive but frankly it's only telly and silly parents that make you think you need to buy them loads of stuff. I know it sounds like a horrible cliche but you work to live not live to work. Take it from someone whose mother was never there cus she worked insane hours when they were growing up. Doesn't matter that the work paid for nice house, good school, pretty clothes, holiday overseas etc etc gladly have shoved the lot to have had more time with my mum. I ended up resenting her for years for working all the time and it honestly made her bitter as well for ages and for a time she was always throwing it my face how hard she worked so I could have things that frankly I never asked for, it's only in the last 5 or so years that we've really been able to talk about it. Look five years down the line what do you want? To be out showing your kid how to kick a ball or thousands of miles away paying for someone else to teach them?

Your going to be a dad, it's your job to raise and develop a new human being, that's more then just paying for stuff. Yes money can be a massive worry on your brain but it's seriously time to step back and see the forest not the trees.

greg80

Going to a similar thing at the moment as a unemployed engineer and my wife is having a baby, we are 11,000 in arrears on our mortage and have over 15k in personal debt. We owe nearly 800 to the esb because our boiler broke and we can't afford to fix it so the whole winter we had to use the immersion to heat the water. We have almost no money in our account which is over drawn and get around 330 a week between us, and to be honest we can't get by. I'm depressed, every dream we had for our future is shattered,and i'm in a very dark place. I blame myself but can't see a way out, i used some of our savings last year to start a business which did not even take off. We have no wider family really for support and don't know were to turn. Our MC application was 'lost' by our great public sector and i've been chasing that up and even need a root canal now we can't afford.

Life sucks and has happy as i am for the baby,i can't even offer the child a secure home.

Hannibal Smith

darkdays wrote: »

Lost job,mortgage,bills mounting up,saving gone after 12 months looking for job and wife is pregnant..can it get any worse. What a world to bring in a child...i'm in Construction and it's not likely to turn around in the next five years, can't move overseas now because of the baby. How can we feed a child when we are struggling as it is...we wanted a baby for years and now it comes at the worst period of our lives

Firstly congratulations to you both on the pregnancy.

Sorry to read you're having such issues. Finding out you're pregnant is such a fright even when it's planned and the most perfect time in your life, so I can't imagine the shock you got.

Cliched as it sounds, it does all work out in the end. You have no idea how your priorities and worries will change once you have your ickle babs.

Is your wife currently working? If so she will have her maternity benefit once baby is born, you will also have your children's allowance and if you're good with your funds you can make those amounts work to deal with the baby once it's born.

As for your mortgage and bills, there are ways of getting help from the Dept of Social Welfare, I don't know how exactly you go about finding out how you get these aids, but maybe a call to your local counsellor/TD or the Citizen's Advice Bureau could shed some light on it?

As for the pregnancy, the GP visits are all paid for by the state and going public couldn't be any worse than going Semi Private. I went Semi Private simply to avoid the queues, but I was waiting on average 45 mins to an hour each ante natal visit as it worked out anyhow.

Congratulations again and I hope you feel more positive soon.

Moonbeam

darkdays wrote: »

with the greatest respect 'have you lived in a cave for the last two years'

I'm a construction site manager..it's a job that needs construction sites.

Not prepared to bring a child into this world barely getting by and we have to access our options. I'm not worried about new things for the child as our family will spoil the kid but it's the fact the child has to come into a stable enviroment. parents who know the have to leave to succeed but are unsure where in the world yet that is is not the enviroment.

There are jobs out there maybe just not in your area of specialty.
Take a job anywhere just to get by or Retrain in another area , relocation is always there as an option too.
These are dark days but there will be a light at the end of the tunnel.

If on the other hand you don't want the baby that is a different matter.

LegacyUser

Moonbeam wrote: »

There are jobs out there maybe just not in your area of specialty.
Take a job anywhere just to get by or Retrain in another area , relocation is always there as an option too.
These are dark days but there will be a light at the end of the tunnel.

If on the other hand you don't want the baby that is a different matter.

Moonbeam, You make it sound so simple. Do you think there would be half a million people out of work if it was as simple as just getting a job anywhere. You are being unhelpful and unrealistic.

Darkdays, here is my story. I am 3 months pregnant on number 1. My partner was out of work for nearly 18 months and just recently found a job. We lost everything and nearly our sanity but we are out the other side now thank god! The first few weeks I knew i was pregnant my OH hadn't found work and it was horrible. I was so upset all the time. I just felt that our future was hopeless and the stress of dragging a child into our mess would be too much for me! But then he found work and honestly it was like someone turned on the lights! There is no point pretending that bringing a child into financial stress is ideal - its not. But those 2 christmas's that my OH was out of work and I had so many pay cuts i might as well have been paying work - well we got to spend it together and think about how awful it would be living in a mansion on your own!

I really wish you the best of luck finding a job. Me and my OH are both in construction so I know how bad it is. We looked into the UK too and Oil rig work but we could never make it amount to much!

I am really sending positive vibes your way, but remember some day this will all be a memory!

Terpsichore

I understand you're in a really dark place because all your dreams and aspirations are shattered at the moment.

Time to open up your mind to alternatives, otherwise you will always hit that wall that you built for yourself.

Contrary to what a lot of people think, it's actually very easy to travel and relocate with a young baby, because he can only follow you wherever you're going. So if you could make a better living in the UK (I presume) it's only a ferry and a drive away.

Also, there is a huge demand outhere for home improvements. I know you're more in a leading position, but if you could even consider taking on smaller jobs in private houses on a temporary basis, maybe you could see a bit of cash coming in. We were desperate to find someone of trust to do some work in our appartment (tiling, plumbing, toilet replacement...) but relieved when we found a good worker to help. Check the website tradesman.ie for insight if you don't know about it already. And then hopefully with time, you can find your job back.

All the best!!!

Nevyn

When you find yourself in a situation like that you just have to swallow your pride, see what help and assistance there is for you, which you are entitled to as you contributed to it with your tax and prsi and learn to cut your cloth according to what can afford.

No one wants to or dreams of bringing a child into the world to get by on social welfare
and not being able to give you children the extras and advantages which having more money can bring, be it music lessons or what ever.

If can be stressful, growing up that way can be stressful but it is up to the parents in such a family to give the children things money can't provide.

I grew up the eldest of 5 and just before the youngest was born my Dad was medically discharged from the army. There was no disablity pension back then or family income suplement. My Mam got part time work and both my parent did thier best for us, made sure we had every advantage they could give.

Yes we didn't have desginer clothes, or every latest toy or pocket money or family holidays abroad, but we were fed, well kept, loved and brought up well and learned to appreicate what we had and to work for the things we wanted.

While struggling to find a new job career is a chalenge and it does mean what you had hope and dreamed for as a family life may be out of reach for some time, having parents who love you and invest thier time and skills in you is worth more imho then those who are never there and ease thier guilt by handing child expesive trinkets or large ammounts of pocket money.