need perspective!!

LegacyUser

Hey guys!!...just need a little advice so id appreciate it if ye could help out.... I met a guy on the internet a few months ago...we ended up talking day-in-day-out for over a month..then met up...fell in love..and have been going out ever since...we were not looking for love it was just on a random chat forum...but we were doing long distance 200km between us...but we saw eachother on average for 3 days every week so it wasn't 2 bad...the main reason we first got talking on the internet was because we both had the same fews on sex etc...and we both believed it was something sacred..he told me he had 1 night stand but i accepted that because of men been curious etc...then after 6 months i got some shocking news...he told me he had another 1 night stand...which might not seem like a big deal...but its just i asked him once was i the only girl to sleep in his bed..and he said yeah..it was a lie..she had been there too...and also he met a guy off the internet before and met up for oral sex..all of a sudden im thinking..is this the same guy i met off the internet?! like the guy i met had never met up with anyone off the internet before...ohh yeah and he "talked dirty" with a girl off the internet too.. the guy i knew hadnt done all that stuff...like he had previous relationships and that was fine with me...but i don't know...i didn't know what to make of everything I had found out...i still love him..i just don't know what to do..any advice?i need perspective!!!

shellyboo

You've only known him a few months, you can't expect him to disclose 100% of his past to you straight away.

So he's done stuff in teh past he didn't tell you about to begin with - that's his perogative. It doesn't change the type of person he is NOW. As long as you're confident he shares your values *now*, then the way he acted in the past is none of your business, to be honest.

whatsamsn

shellyboo wrote: »

You've only known him a few months, you can't expect him to disclose 100% of his past to you straight away.

So he's done stuff in teh past he didn't tell you about to begin with - that's his perogative. It doesn't change the type of person he is NOW. As long as you're confident he shares your values *now*, then the way he acted in the past is none of your business, to be honest.

I think the Op is just a little hurt that she found out he had previous partners after saying he didnt and after saying he never met anyone off the internet before.
I imagine the both of you are young. You are giving off the impression he was your first partner. Is this true?
Then I could see why you'd be a little hurt. If thats the case, I'd be willing to put money on upon hearing you were a virgin he told you what you wanted to hear. Saying he "shared" the same views as you on Sex. While he didnt. Sadly you were being naive here.

Op, it would seem that he is coming out now and being honest with you. Maybe a sense of guilt. Thats the issue that will spark debate on this subject. Some will feel he was wrong before, but realised now. Or others will see this as he lied, more than once. And you cant build anything on lies. Especially when the truth comes out.

The one big thing most would be worried about is one line you said ... that he met another man off the internet and gave him oral sex. If this is something you arent comfortable with, then i would say end it. Alot of women wouldnt be comfortable dating a bisexual man. others could. But the majority wouldnt.


I can see where the Op is coming from. I think it was being naive on your part. But as you sound young. It can be forgiven. You met a guy off the net, and he originally told you lies. Personally all trust for him would be out the window if i was you in that situation.

Shellyboo says its all in his past. But he lied. Finding out any sort of lies, even it was being naive on the OPs part, will change things. She has a right to feel uncomfortable with this.

LegacyUser

no he wasnt my first boyfriend but he was the first person ive ever had sex with...

seenitall

This guy lied to you about having the same values in sex as you do, so that he could use you to get what he wanted (sex). He doesn't love you or respect you, otherwise he would have been telling you about his real sexual inclinations and activities before you were intimate (or at the very least he wouldn't have been spinning lies about how he thought sex was sacred), and not after you had fallen for him. See the difference?

Now that he got what he wanted, he is letting you see his true colours, as for him there is no need to hide what he is really like any more.

I am sorry that this happened to you, but if it is any consolation at all, it happens A LOT nowadays, to a lot of young and trusting people like yourself.

You just have to be strong now, for your own sake, realise that your love is not reciprocated, learn from this experience and move on.

There will be someone loving, truthful and respectful for you in the future. Please don't stay with the manipulative player, you would be making a big mistake and hurting your self esteem in the process.

whatsamsn

Agreed with seenitall.

Op, you let someone fool you - dont worry. it happens. Even to the most sharpest of people.
I say move on. Something like this I feel cant be forgotten about due to the nature of what was involved.

Its hard to react of things when we have emotions involved. But trust me, as most will also agree, our experiences make us easier to spot when people are no good. This guy is no good.

Dont listen to anyone who says otherwise.

StarryMoon0

Trust is forged early in a relationship. WHile it is true that we are not going to divulge every little dirty secret in the first month, there needs to be a certain honesty, especially if the other person knows you have certain issues.
It was clearly important to you that he was honest about his encounters, he should have been upfront.
Ok, he DID tell you..but still..something doesn't sound right to me.

I'd be very worried about this oral thing..to each his own, thats his own perogative, but trust me, that is not something you want to be worried about.
If there are sexuality issues there has to be a lot of communication and trust.

Had you been together a long while, I'd say talk talk and more talk...
As its been a relatively short time... I'd be inclined to find soemone who shows you the respect you deserve.

Denimgirl

bananasjelly wrote: »

Hey guys!!...just need a little advice so id appreciate it if ye could help out.... I met a guy on the internet a few months ago...we ended up talking day-in-day-out for over a month..then met up...fell in love..and have been going out ever since...we were not looking for love it was just on a random chat forum...but we were doing long distance 200km between us...but we saw eachother on average for 3 days every week so it wasn't 2 bad...the main reason we first got talking on the internet was because we both had the same fews on sex etc...and we both believed it was something sacred..he told me he had 1 night stand but i accepted that because of men been curious etc...then after 6 months i got some shocking news...he told me he had another 1 night stand...which might not seem like a big deal...but its just i asked him once was i the only girl to sleep in his bed..and he said yeah..it was a lie..she had been there too...and also he met a guy off the internet before and met up for oral sex..all of a sudden im thinking..is this the same guy i met off the internet?! like the guy i met had never met up with anyone off the internet before...ohh yeah and he "talked dirty" with a girl off the internet too.. the guy i knew hadnt done all that stuff...like he had previous relationships and that was fine with me...but i don't know...i didn't know what to make of everything I had found out...i still love him..i just don't know what to do..any advice?i need perspective!!!

Please leave this guy.he pretended he was a person he was'nt because he knew you would think you'd have something in common with him.please leave him i would'nt trust this guy at all,and you sound too respectable for him.

LegacyUser

You poor girl. Dump him. He's taking the total p*ss out of you and your values. Jump ship now before he brings you down with him and destroys your self esteem.

What sort of life would you be letting yourself in for if you stayed with him? Raise your standards please!!!

Walk away now and don't let the fact that you slept with him be the reason you stay with him. It is better to have sex with someone who really cares about you.

Talk to your friends about this too. Don't be on your own and don't feel ashamed. You've done nothing wrong.

Get yourself checked out for STI as well. God knows what the p*ick has given you.

duckielover

god its like sooo simliar to me nd my bf xcept was other way around wit me bt ya he knew he wasnt my first regretably now, but he shud have def told u bout it all but was prob an attempt to spare ur feelings.. its hard these days to find sum1 who has not been with any1 and that is no excuse

Wagon

The chap is a spoofer. Believe me, you're better off not bothering to continue with him any further.