Having a really hard time dealing with rejection from a girl

Anon_IRL.Joe

I was friends with a girl about 5 months ago. We got on well. I always liked her and I felt like she was giving strong signals towards me too (wanting to meet up with me a lot and spending a lot of time together for the first few days, wanting to hang out in a quiet place). Since I've never been in a relationship before, I was obviously very nervous so I didn't make any moves as such and we didn't kiss or anything. Anyway, I was starting to become confused because after a couple weeks, she started acting very cold towards me and not really responding to my messages anymore (a rogue message every once in a blue moon).

I didn't know how to take it but we were still on good terms. A couple months later, I decided just to be upfront about how I felt and I told her that I liked her. She said she didn't see me that way.

Anyway, I decided to break off contact with her as I have been suffering from some mild depression so the rejection really hit me hard. She still sends the rogue message from time to time but I've decided not to respond in the hope that she may understand.

To get to the point of the matter, I'm having a really hard time getting over her. I've removed her from my friends lists on a couple social networking sites (status updates just make it harder to get over her) but occasionally, I find myself viewing her profile to see what she's been up to. Trying to see myself in third person, I think my reasoning is seeing whether she moved on from it (or maybe having second thoughts about what she said to me). In reality, I guess she wouldn't really have thought about it that long since she had no feelings towards me.

Over the last week, I've been telling myself not to do that and I haven't. The thing is though, I live in a small town and whenever I head in to town, I'm constantly looking at different cars going by, hoping to see her. Like the thing with social networking sites, I'm telling myself not to do it and haven't.

I have only initiated contact once with her after a few days of telling her how I felt but other than that, I haven't said anything. I just find myself thinking about her constantly and then feeling depressed that there is something wrong with me or that I will never have an opportunity to meet someone again (I have severe confidence issues with women).

I know I sound like a stalker but my intentions are honestly pure. I'm just feeling really down about it and having a really hard time dealing with it. Its been just over a month now since I've told her but I'm still feeling very down about it. I thought I'd be strong and be able to take rejection when she did but I was wrong.

Can anyone tell me what I can do to stop feeling this way? I have nowhere else to talk about these things. I'm currently seeing a counsellor and taking ADs but I don't feel like I'm getting anywhere with my counsellor. I talked to a consultant today and all he said was to stick with it and since I said that I don't feel like I have progressed since I began treatment, so he just upped my dose of my AD and that was it. Just told me to stick with my counsellor.

calahans

Dont be too hard on yourself mate. People can be strange like that - I had a similar situation years ago. The girl was being really friendly and spending loads of time with me, so much so that someone I know said that they even noticed that she was into me. Anyway I talked to her and she said it wasn't like that for her. Go figure.

You are not stalking. No contact and viewing her profile now again is no big deal. You liked her so of course you will hope to see her around. Totally normal. You will get over it with time.

Taltos

Hi OP.

Sorry to hear that she does not feel the same.

However - you deserve a big applause for having the guts to tell her how you felt. Yrs from now - you can look back on this and think - "at least I tried".

Now though - having learnt how she feels - or doesn't it is time to start moving on from this. I know this will be difficult - all the more so as you kept those feelings to yourself for so long but you really do need to continue most of what you are doing.
> limiting contact is key here.

In terms of your depression though - this is something you should try to focus most of your attentions towards - there is nothing wrong here with seeking support from another counsellor - or even a 3rd. If your present one is not doing it for you - then try getting a different view.

Be open with them with how you are feeling about this girl - speaking with someone should help you get over her, as from her reaction it does appear that nothing will ever come of that - she just sees you as a friend - unfortunately - since you saw her as more that relationship may have run its course.

As to classing yourself as a stalker - we don't have all the details here - so if you think you are then having seen that step back from that path immediately. Whatever your intentions - the only result will be - a) her becoming fearful of you & possibly b) you getting a bad reputation in your small town - and hence your self-worth may plummet even more...

Finally - well done though for having the guts for letting someone know how you feel - so many people miss opportunities by never revealing that. Hopefully the next time you will find someone who likes you - or if not you will have learnt from this how to let the rejection sting a little less. Remember - her loss - not yours

Wagon

don't be so hard on yourself. Wanting to spend time quietly together, hanging out frequently etc... it's logical to think that she's be interested in you. I've been in this situation too. I've also been rejected with herself saying "I see you as a big brother". Not a nice thing to hear.

There's 2 things you can do to helpl. First of all stop being so hard on youerself. A month is only a short amount of time. Secondly, tell her to stop sending you messages. You want some time to yourself and she isn't giving it to you. Tell her to leave you alone and you'll contact her when you feel like it. Some people are a bit slow when it comes to this kind of situation and need to have it spelled out for them in plain simple english.

LegacyUser

hi,

I am in a very similar situation to you, very very similar, and it's over 2 months since I was given the road. I think now, it's starting to pass a bit, but it's still hard. The best thing I did was to tell her not to contact me anymore, and I told her why, maybe if I wasn't as honest with her, it might be ok to keep in touch, but I don't see the point if someone is into you and you're not into them, it's only tormenting.
I also deleted them from FB, which was a good move, and told myself not to look at the profile. I didn't look at it for ages, and looked at it the other day, thinking "oh no, you shouldn't have done this", but for some reason, I didn't feel anything as such. I could see by photos she was out and about doing stuff, but I suppose maybe I'm moving on.
I was even thinking of all the bad points about that person to make it easier....

LegacyUser

You've done a damn fine job in cutting contact. I was also depressed, severely and took me months to even think about moving away from the situation. You've done a magnificent job in not contacting and deleting the facebook connection. Keep going the way you're going and its just time after that. You can't rush the process, but you're on the right track, trust me on that one.

LegacyUser

Judging by your post it sounds like she was initially into you but she became confused as a result of you taking too long to make a move so to speak (hence the decline in contact). A couple of months later you decided to put it all on the line which in her eyes it seems it was too little to late as you exhibited indecisiveness (not exactly a quality a woman looks for). I feel for you and can imagine it must be difficult. All i can say is that there are others and if one found you attractive others surely will. Keep the chin up and get your act together for future opportunities.

Anon_IRL.Joe

Thanks everyone for all the advice. I kind of realised when I was writing my original post that when I had said that its been just over a month since I've told her that really, it isn't that long at all so I guess I'm feeling more comfortable in knowing that its natural. I just want to find a way to stop clinging on to hope. I'm quite lonely and hardly get any messages or calls but when I do, I just hope its her for some reason so I see myself as a desperate loser who clings on to anyone who gives me any attention or shows interest.

@tooclose: yeah, thanks for that advice. As time wears on, things are becoming clearer. There are certain qualities or morals that I know I seriously disagree with her on (e.g.: she smokes drugs / me = big no no). After talking about it with someone as well, they've made me realise that she legally put me at risk once when she had went to buy some drugs when I was around (calling them on my phone too). I know looking back at it now, I should've said, no but I wasn't entirely sure if they were legal or not but still, I should've played safe but from her side, she was willing to accept the possibility that if the guards had caught us, I'd be in deep trouble even though I haven't bought any or don't smoke. Aside from that though, I guess I feel used as well or taken advantage of. I enjoy helping people out and I really don't expect a favour in return. I'm not saying I'm an angel but just saying how I see things. My opinion is that if someone has a problem and I have the ability to help them solve it, then why shouldn't I? In return, I just expect for the person to say thank you.

To get to the point, I helped her out with a few assignments and there was a time when she was sick for about a month and asked me to get her any notes and apologise to my lecturers on her behalf so I got all her all the notes from my lecturers and explained to them that she's sorry she didn't come in. She has only thanked me once the last time when I was helping her study for an exam (this was after I told her how I felt as she had asked me before I told her how I felt so I wanted to keep my promise). So, naturally, I'm feeling bitter towards her for not appreciating the help. I've also found that whenever she would contact me, she'd only contact me to ask for help with something but not in general. So realising these things can make it easier in thinking that I deserve better than that. The problem is just the nice qualities though, she comes across as being a very kind and a sweet person that I feel is rare in society.

LegacyUser

Seriously it sounds like you are infatuated with this woman rather than actually in love. I also firmly believe that you've dodged a bullet and this rejection is the best thing that could have happened for you. She sounds like she has a worse self-esteem than yourself. By having you jump through hoops (e.g. assignments and drugs) she was testing you and you came across as desperate by meeting her demands. You come across as a decent guy. I think however you need to work on yourself first before women. You should try going out with having fun as your primary objective. Engage in conversation with as many people as you can. Once you have mastered this you'll have no problem with women as you will come across as person with value and they will be drawn to you. Ask any woman, they find a man who is comfortable in himself extremely sexy. Oh and make sure not to cater to their every demand. No one is better than anyone.

kalmfang

man, i feel your pain OP
i am going through exactly the same thing as you

a girl i had known years ago recently got in contact and we started up talking again, and hanging out with each other
like you i was nervous about taking things further because it was obvious it was never going to last

anyway, over the last month or so she has slowly cut off contact with me and it really hurts
no reasons why or anything, just slowly forgetting who i am

the worst thing is that i know in 6 months time she will txt me again and instead of ignoring her like i should do, i will probably be as nice as pie again
what can i do, im a sucker

anyway, i hope you start to feel better soon guy
and dont be a sucker like me

T83

A bit of advice wrote: »

Seriously it sounds like you are infatuated with this woman rather than actually in love. I also firmly believe that you've dodged a bullet and this rejection is the best thing that could have happened for you. She sounds like she has a worse self-esteem than yourself. By having you jump through hoops (e.g. assignments and drugs) she was testing you and you came across as desperate by meeting her demands. You come across as a decent guy. I think however you need to work on yourself first before women. You should try going out with having fun as your primary objective. Engage in conversation with as many people as you can. Once you have mastered this you'll have no problem with women as you will come across as person with value and they will be drawn to you. Ask any woman, they find a man who is comfortable in himself extremely sexy. Oh and make sure not to cater to their every demand. No one is better than anyone.

This is the best advice youre going to get by far... Ive been through this more than once, but the first time at 16 was the hardest, and yes looking back it was because I waited too long before trying to initiate things. I've also been infatuated and thought it was love, and been the guy to sort out all of a girls problems for her by jumping through hoops, I've done the "stalking" thing but it was accidental text messages back in my day (christ I feel old)...... You'll live and learn, and they'll still confuse you at times about whether they're interested or not, but as was said above be comfortable with who you are and it'll get easier.