boyfriend threatened me - what to do

LegacyUser

Recently, my boyfriend has been getting more and more angry when we have fights. I know I can be a terrible pain, and I know it's hard to get through to me but the last time we were arguing over something he ran up to me, caught me up against the wall and put his fist to my face and shouted at me something along the lines of "he'll break my face".
Later when we'd calmed down I brought it up and said it wasn't acceptable behaviour, but he said "oh don't be silly you know I wouldn't hit you". So I'm not sure how to feel about this. For one thing, I had some bad experiences as a child and he knows this, so I don't know why he would try to scare me like that. At the same time I know he cares about me and just gets really angry and has trouble controlling his emotions.
It's happened once before a few months ago but I let it go.
How do I know if he'd actually do it? He's a loving guy most of the time.

Cullen82

Whether he would or not hit you is totally irrelevant IMO. The fact that he would even think about saying something like that to you never mind actually saying it is enough ....

Time to start planning your future without him for your own good....thats an absolute disgrace - you didnt mention anything about him apologising to you either.

Thumbs down

Unique User Name

Hi Op. This definitely isn't acceptable behaviour and you absolutely do not deserve it. I think the fact that something similar happened to you when you were younger has you believing that it's ok and it will past. I think you need to take control and end it before it's too late and he really does hurt you. The worst part is that he hasn't even achknowledged he did wrong and as you have said just replied "oh don't be silly you know I wouldn't hit you". That means he doesn't view his behaviour as wrong and is likely to reoffend.

Ickle Magoo

Hey OP,

He gets angry, pushes you up against a wall and waves a fist in your face - what do think he's going to do when he gets really angry, or really angry and drunk, or whatever?

More importantly, he's now changed the dynamic of your relationship and next time you want to argue back, it's going to make you think twice. You are going to see him getting angry and from now on you are either going to back down or start getting scared. That is no way to live your life, waiting for a punch.

Either he apologises, accepts he has anger management issues and gets the appropriate help or you should run for the hills, don't give him the opportunity to do it again, or worse.

Best of luck.

Tail Wagger

Nip it in the bud, and don't let it happen again, he should be getting down on bended knees and licking the kitchen floor from one end to the other to show you he's sorry. Don't tolerate it, tell him if it happens again your walking, and be deadly serious?

Darlughda

I'm afraid the truth is you need to walk away from this relationship. Now.

There is only one place where this will end up and that is in violence.
He will hit you and he may kill you.
I am not being sensationalist or alarmist, this is the pattern experienced by many people. If you google symptoms of domestic abuse or warning signs of domestic violence, you will see for yourself that this is a classic text book case.
Your self esteem is already low enough..."I know I can be a terrible pain, and I know it's hard to get through to me ".

No, whatever faults you may or may not have has nothing to do with his anger, emotions and quite frankly terrifying behaviour.

It does not make a difference if he claims to really love you, or is a loving guy most of the time. You have already given him the message that you will stay for further abuse.

Seriously, your life could be at stake here.

travellingbid

Walk away. I know nothing happened this time but I know of women that it started out as something like this, then it moved to a slap, then a punch................ His behaviour is completely unacceptable.

LegacyUser

This is how my dad's abusive behavior to wards my mum started.
She stayed w/him for 30 years and eventually had to leave him as the abuse got worse.
She is now doing reasonably well, but regrets not leaving him @ the first sign of violence.
Don't make excuses for you partner, as if he was truly a decent well-balanced person he would not treat you like this.
If you don't leave you may regret it for the rest of your life.
Please head for the hills and start afresh with someone who worships the ground you walk on.

Beruthiel

unregistered wrote: »

the last time we were arguing over something he ran up to me, caught me up against the wall and put his fist to my face and shouted at me something along the lines of "he'll break my face".

That's the start of an abusive relationship.
It is NOT normal behaviour and with each following arguement, it will get just that little bit worse. At some point in the future, expect to end up in hospital if you allow this to continue.

Not for one second would I ever allow someone to behave like that towards me. It is out and out unacceptable.
Tell him to get help.
Tell him if it ever happens again you will walk away and not look back.
Most importantly, mean that with every fibre of your being.

LegacyUser

OP you should not tolerate this. Either he accepts what he's done wrong, apologises AND attends some form of anger management/something similar, you should leave right now. It's not enough for him just to apologise, he needs to do something proactive about it. If he doesn't, well, quite frankly, you're worth more. He should be horrified that he lost it like that with you. The other day, my boyfriend and I were messing around (arms flailing everywhere type thing) and he accidentally hit me in the face. Despite it being accidental, and despite me knowing it was accidental (I wasn't angry or anything, it didn't even hurt!), he apologised to me for about 15 minutes straight!! I too have had some bad experiences as a child, and seeing him react like this just made me feel so safe. You should feel safe in a relationship, not afraid to make him angry for fear of what he will do. You deserve more than that. Good luck x

LegacyUser

OP I was in a relationship for 5 years with someone I thought that I loved. You sound just like me. As an earlier poster said, the next time you have a row, you WILL wonder if he will hit you.

My ex never actually managed to hit me but he did exactly the same as happened to you and Oh My am I glad I eventually got the courage to walk away. To walk away is not easy especially when you have an intertwined life but I managed it and you can too.

Please for your own sake, do it. You will NEVER be at ease with this person. You will always wonder, will he, wont he?

And remember that he is not actually sorry for what he said..... So this WILL happen again.

Best of luck OP.

To Sharlovesjohn: you need to get help for your anger. Lashing out at someone else causes them unnecessary worry and they are not there to fix you. It is only you who can fix you. They are not your punching/shouting bag for you to play with. Please get some help.

Nevyn

Sharlovesjohn why don't you start your own thread, rather then derailing this one.
Thanks.

helimachoptor

I think its time to call it a day, as a man it's not acceptable putting your hands on a woman when you're in that state of mind, the next time he may not regain his composure and you may be on the receiving end of a fist.

LegacyUser

So I wrote a while back saying about how my bf had gotten really angry and threatened me. I ended it with him 8 days ago. It was hard, because after it happened it was like I couldnt beleive he'd even be like that. But at the same time I knew it wasn't a good road to go down. He had got really angry in a couple of arguements we'd had before that, like raging angry, and I guess I thought it was a bad situation, not just for me but like I'm hardly the girl for him if I'm going to drive him so mad. Plus I was mostly hurt that he didn't think about how I'd gone through some tough things as a child and would be especially frightened in situations where a guy is threatening towards me etc. Like how could he not think about it?
He was shocked and upset when I ended it, and I feel bad now because I know how hurt he is. He admitted he was wrong and said he wouldnt do it again but...I dont know. I just had to stand by my word. I'm almost starting to think I've made a fuss over nothing. I said it to a friend and she didn't think it was even a big deal and I felt like a drama queen. Maybe alot of guys get so angry with their girlfriends? who knows?
Its so hard to know where to draw the line. Here, I guess, but its not easy...

Darlughda

You are a very brave woman, and you have done the right thing.

It is very hard in the aftermath to understand this. Yes, your boyfriend is 'hurt', because a wonderful guy he may be, but he is damaged and needs help.
However hurt he feels is nothing compared to the physical violence he will unleash upon you in retaliation if you let him back in.
You have to stay strong. You must educate yourself. Please google all the stuff that has been mentioned in this thread. Most of all, just contact this organistation
http://www.womensaid.ie/

You are still in dangerous emotional territory here, and I am sorry but your friend is no good here. There are women on here who have been through worse and we know what the danger signs are.
Please spend time to inform yourself before falling into the dangerous spiral of thinking its not that bad, he loves me really, I'm making a big fuss of nothing...

I repeat, your life could be on line here, or 20 years of violence, hospitals, coverups, shorn self esteem and damaged kids. Please contact womens aid or any other group online you find that might offer you support and answers to your questions.

up for anything

I'm glad you got out. Stay strong now and don't go back to him. If he really wants you back and understands how badly he has behaved towards you, he should seek some help for his problem and then your relationship might stand some chance.

m@cc@

As I see it, he has physically intimidated you. That has all the hallmarks of a bully. You've done well to get out of it. There's plenty of men out there who will treat you as an equal for who you are.

littlefriend

unregistered wrote: »

I said it to a friend and she didn't think it was even a big deal

Your friend is an idiot - please don't take her advice in this (or possibly any other) situation

gbee

Now, one thing to keep in mind is he will NEVER change.

Whatever is his nature NOW, will be his nature in the future if kids arrive or ye get married ~ a lot of girls marry guys thinking they will change some aspect of their character ~ they don't.

Relationships are studded with psycho erratic, erotic behaviour, if it is upsetting you it’s enough to think of someone else. Never mind this overly PC world, women can enjoy a lot of different moods ~ if only we men could accurately identify when the woman was in the correct mood for the appropriate behaviour ~ but we can’t.
Thus it can be very confusing for a young male who is basically Peacocking around and pecking at his mate, to understand that there are different moods ~ plus the male usually gets a reward far beyond his dreams during the make up process ~ this only serves to confuse him even more and actually encourages ‘what ever behaviour’ initiated this reward.
Women don’t listen … single biggest problem I find is my own wife, daughter, sister in-laws, they don’t actually listen but interpret, depending on their mood, what I’ve said.

Beruthiel

unregistered wrote: »

I'm almost starting to think I've made a fuss over nothing.

It most definately wasn't a fuss over nothing. Most of us are quite capable of having an out and out shouting match without the need for it to become physical.
There is a line, he well and truly crossed it.

I said it to a friend and she didn't think it was even a big deal and I felt like a drama queen.

No offence, but your friend is an idiot.
I would also have to wonder what is going on/has gone on in her life that makes her think this kind of behaviour is acceptable.
Take all future 'advice' from her with a pinch of salt.

Miss Fluff

You've done the right thing OP. Behaviour like that can't be excused and only end up getting way worse.

LegacyUser

Back again...I know maybe I'm just looking for excuses for him and that if someone came to me with the same problem I'd be like "chuck him" straight away. But what nobody prepares you for is the aftermath. I feel so lonely and bored. Feel like I've no social life or friends that aren't friends with both of us, nothing to keep me busy. I know thats what you go through after a break up, but it's like I brought this on myself for breaking up with him so it makes me feel even worse. I feel like suddenly all my friends amount to nothing, nobody has called around or rang to talk to me even though word must have gone around that we're broken up. And then the one time I spoke about it that girl thinking it wasn't a big deal...
Hence why I'm turning to problem pages!!
I have nothing to do but sit and think, about all the good things about him and how he only got angry like that because he actually cared about what I did so much, like because he was jealous and worried I'd leave. At least he gave a sh*t about me, which is more than can be said for alot of people I'm coming to think...
sorry to be so negetive on a friday night...it's just really hard, and nobody warns you that if you do stand your ground and have lines that someone can't cross, you'll be alone and miserable with nobody to talk to.

Katgurl

What you're feeling is natural OP and it will pass. You must be determined here. He won't change. I went out with a man for years, the first time he shook me and pushed me onto bed and held his fist in my face but didn't hit me. I was shocked but didn't leave, wondered if I was being melodramatic. But boundaries were crossed and things became worse, my own views on acceptable behaviour were skewed. Fast forward to the night I finally left him after he pinned me down and punched me so hard in the head i blacked out. I don't know if I would have managed to leave if his flatmate hadn't been there. Don't fool yourself that things will improve, he won't acknowledge what he did so there's no hope. It was same with my ex.

If you feel lonely now believe me you will feel much more alienated down line when one one everyone leaves your life because they can't bear to look on and say nothing. You'll be too ashamed to admit what's happening as your confidence dissipates and you persevere with toxic relationship.

I might seem melodramatic but believe me I'd have saved myself a lot of time and a lot of money in therapy if I'd just gone with my gut at first sign of violence and no contrition.

unregistered

unregistered wrote: »

So I wrote a while back saying about how my bf had gotten really angry and threatened me. I ended it with him 8 days ago. It was hard, because after it happened it was like I couldnt beleive he'd even be like that. But at the same time I knew it wasn't a good road to go down. He had got really angry in a couple of arguements we'd had before that, like raging angry, and I guess I thought it was a bad situation, not just for me but like I'm hardly the girl for him if I'm going to drive him so mad. Plus I was mostly hurt that he didn't think about how I'd gone through some tough things as a child and would be especially frightened in situations where a guy is threatening towards me etc. Like how could he not think about it?
He was shocked and upset when I ended it, and I feel bad now because I know how hurt he is. He admitted he was wrong and said he wouldnt do it again but...I dont know. I just had to stand by my word. I'm almost starting to think I've made a fuss over nothing. I said it to a friend and she didn't think it was even a big deal and I felt like a drama queen. Maybe alot of guys get so angry with their girlfriends? who knows?
Its so hard to know where to draw the line. Here, I guess, but its not easy...

Hi OP, well done for being so brave. That was the hard part, now you have to stick to it. You've done the right thing, he won't change and he doesn't deserve you. This whole thing reminds me of my ex, he didn't actually hit me but he was aggressive and controlling and I had similar thoughts, like 'maybe I'm really annoying and I deserve it' and 'I'm sure everyone's relationship is like this'. I had asked a few friends and they thought he just sounded bad tempered (he came across as lovely and laid back to everyone else) sometimes, so I thought, well it must be me, then, I'm probably overthinking things. Friends told me stories about their boyfriends being possessive and not liking them to hang out with guys, and I assumed that was just the norm. It sounds silly now, but he was my first boyfriend (I was a very late starter) and he was so convincing and such a good liar. I did have loads of moments of doubt, like you, but I would always tell myself I was being a drama queen. After all, he was popular and everyone loved him, he couldn't be that bad.

So we broke up after I found out he'd been cheating on me and lying to me (:rolleyes:) and of course he started snivelling and telling me how much he loved me but for me that was the breaking point. A while after that, I started seeing a friend of mine and my God, the difference was night and day. This guy worships the ground I walk on. He can never do enough for me. He's always there to listen to me. When I'm feeling stressed, he comforts me instead of starting a fight. He has no problem whatsoever with me hanging out with guys because he's secure in himself. I feel safe and happy instead of constantly on edge. I could hardly believe it when we started going out as it seemed too good to be true, but 2 years on, it's exactly the same. I wish I'd known what relationships were supposed to be like before I met that idiot because I would have told him to go eff himself the first time he tried shouting in my face.

So don't listen to his 'sorrys' and pleas for forgiveness. He had his chance and he messed up big time. Guys like this are plain manipulative, I'm sure he's just annoyed that you had the nerve to call the shots rather than he's sad because he loves you. Don't waste any more time with him! There are SO many lovely guys out there who will treat you properly.

thegoodgirl

Well done OP on getting out of this relationship you def did the right thing. And what you did took a lot of courage, ending a relaionship is very though.

I can't imagine how your feeling now but do take comfort in the fact that you have done the right thiing, time is a great healer and you do deserve so much better.

If you feel like you have no one to talk to, use us here. I'll def listen

Take care x

aidan24326

You walked away now stay gone. A guy that is physically abusive and threatening towards you is an absolute no-go. End of. To me, pinning you against the wall and raising his fist to you is, to use football terminology, a red card offence.