in fear of ex

LegacyUser

Going unreg for this, I broke up with my ex boyf over a year ago, was a long and troubled relationship. After we broke up, we remained friends mainly due to his clingyness and since knowing him really isolated me from other people and prevented me getting to know new people, I really don't have anyone else. He is suicidal, quite abusive and sometimes violent, he hasn't always been like this but it's something that has gradually gotten worse over the years. I have been making an effort to completely block him out in the last while but he just rings/texts constantly, emails under various guises, rings my family home, turns up where I live all the while threatening me with his life, sometimes mine and that of others. I am also trying to get to know people but it's so hard, even on boards he knows who I am and stalks my posts constantly obsessing about who I'm talking to.

I have let his parents and his brother know before of his tendencies but they've attacked me for it and brush it off. Today was a particularly bad day with threats from him so I contacted his brother again and his dad, forwarding texts describing how he was going to kill himself. When I contacted his brother before all he said was that he didn't know what to say, today he just said thanks for the text?! I heard nothing back from his parents. Can they really be sweeping it under the carpet that easily? I was shocked to not hear any concern from them about me and I know that they will just carry on tiptoeing around him. I know also that they are probably just worried for him and see that he's fine around them but it's me that has to put up with it behind the scenes.

I don't know what to do now, I've thought about contacting the guards but I don't know if that would do any use? What are they gona do other than record it? Who else am I supposed to contact? I really need him to stay away from me, I'm also worried that he might take things out on other people.

LegacyUser

iv been through this exact same situation and let me tell you. the only way to stop this crap is to ignore ignore IGNORE. trust me. if he rings you dont answer. if he texts dont reply. if he comes to your house instruct other people to say your not there. ask your friends to do the same. DONT RESPOND. i know it seems serious but really all this is, is a 3 year old throwing their toys out of their pram. hes learned that acting suicidal and threatening gets your attention , thats why he does it. just like a child knows it gets attention when it crys. he keeps saying hes going to kill himself?.. hes still alive. someone who wants to kill themselves will, they dont make continuous threats about it. your not responsible for him. take my advice and ignore him, in my experience its difficult to do, it takes awhile but IT WORKS. he has a family to look out for him, you shouldnt have to put up with this. you should also tell his family out straight you intend to break all contact with him, this will help.

tenchi-fan

You need to report this to the gardai. Then it will be their problem. They will tell him not to contact you. You might even consider a restraining order.

To me, it sounds like the threat of killing himself is one powerful tool at his disposal, because when he says it you respond to it. So you are just contributing to the problem.. the solution is clear. You need absolutely NO contact with him. Ever again!

Don't be concerned about him saying he's going to kill himself. It's his own problem so he needs to deal with it. He can recruit his family or his friends or mental health specialists... but not his ex! And if you report him to the gardai they will be responsible for referring him to a doctor.

greenprincess

As others have said avoid him at all costs! Change your number if you have to.

For the suicide thing, I've had a few friends commite suicide and none of them ever gave any warning that they were planning to so I doubt he is serious. Still though try again to contact his family and tell them to help him seek help because even if he isnt suicidal, he does have a lot of issues!!

Making friends can be daunting but also really fun! Maybe call an old friend and try tag along to a group night out that way you can meet new people

tenchi-fan

greenprincess wrote: »

Still though try again to contact his family and tell them to help him seek help because even if he isnt suicidal, he does have a lot of issues!!

I have to disagree! She should NOT contact his family. That is the reaction he is looking for. She needs to go to the authorities and let them contact his family.

greenprincess

tenchi-fan wrote: »

I have to disagree! She should NOT contact his family. That is the reaction he is looking for. She needs to go to the authorities and let them contact his family.

I dont know, I would love to have a lot of belief in the Garda but I dont. I have had a dealing with them in the past and if your the victim it is really very very hard and messy to prove anything. Which of course if a good system, innocent til proven guilty not the other way around. But it just makes things very hard, and causes a lot of heart ache!! And thankfully it doesnt sound like this ex has caused her any physical harm, so it makes it unlikely that the Garda's can do anything!

If she calls his parents one last time tells them she is cutting all ties with their son and the need to deal with his issues not her then she has done everything she can do and can try to move on with her life in a positive way.

TheNog

in_fear wrote: »

Going unreg for this, I broke up with my ex boyf over a year ago, was a long and troubled relationship. After we broke up, we remained friends mainly due to his clingyness and since knowing him really isolated me from other people and prevented me getting to know new people, I really don't have anyone else. He is suicidal, quite abusive and sometimes violent, he hasn't always been like this but it's something that has gradually gotten worse over the years. I have been making an effort to completely block him out in the last while but he just rings/texts constantly, emails under various guises, rings my family home, turns up where I live all the while threatening me with his life, sometimes mine and that of others. I am also trying to get to know people but it's so hard, even on boards he knows who I am and stalks my posts constantly obsessing about who I'm talking to.

I have let his parents and his brother know before of his tendencies but they've attacked me for it and brush it off. Today was a particularly bad day with threats from him so I contacted his brother again and his dad, forwarding texts describing how he was going to kill himself. When I contacted his brother before all he said was that he didn't know what to say, today he just said thanks for the text?! I heard nothing back from his parents. Can they really be sweeping it under the carpet that easily? I was shocked to not hear any concern from them about me and I know that they will just carry on tiptoeing around him. I know also that they are probably just worried for him and see that he's fine around them but it's me that has to put up with it behind the scenes.

I don't know what to do now, I've thought about contacting the guards but I don't know if that would do any use? What are they gona do other than record it? Who else am I supposed to contact? I really need him to stay away from me, I'm also worried that he might take things out on other people.

If you want to report it to Gardai then you must try to keep all the messages, emails and record voice mails. You need to be keep a written record of all of these things and bring the record to your local Garda Station. What you are experiencing could be Harassement but would have to be investigated thoroughly. You would also be asked to sign an authorisation phone for records of your mobile and house phone. You should also receive advice on what to do if your ex turns up at your home.

An investigation can take some weeks especially getting your phone records as it would form part of the investigation file.

As for reporting it and then its their (Garda)problem...not true. It is still very your problem but it could be a means to an end. Also Gardai are not responsible to get treatement for your ex unless a Garda actually witnesses an incident which raises concerns for his safety.

Hope this helps.

Bottle_of_Smoke

Could try and get a garda or priest to have a word with him. I thought restraining orders exist for these kind of people

LegacyUser

OP here, I agree with what some of you have said about enabling him, I do now think they are empty threats a lot of the time and even if not I am beyond caring at this point because it's at my expense, he has already ruined college for me, I should be finished by now but I'm held back coz of him, this all just reflects badly on me. I just want him out of my life. I have changed my number before but I am going to change it again for sure. Thing is he just turns up at my house or hangs around outside and he has done things like turn up to a classmates house when I was there and he turned up at the airport before on the way back from a college trip, he doesn't mind making a scene, he knows I can't do anything in a case where I'm at the airport with the whole class there and he won't just walk off either, he would literally follow you all the way home. I hope that this will pass.

As regards talking to his family again and the gardai, I really dont want to do either. His parents don't like me anyway for no reason and I don't know his brother but haven't got any reaction out of him before and I made it clear as day.
The gardai, well he has been physically violent towards me but nothing I could prove, I will keep any records I have alright.

I do think he needs help, he constantly makes threats against other people, you might remember that case in Bray, I don't want that to happen in the future but I can't help him coz heck I can barely help myself and I can see his family just completely ignoring the issue.

sam34

OP, i've been here, unfortunately

harassment is an offence under section 10 of the non-fatal offences against the person act

tell the guards, keep records of the texts, calls ect

send him one final message saying that if he contacts you again, in any manner, that you will report him to the guards
then do not respond to him in ANY manner

if he contacts you after that, you must report him...if you dont he'll see it as a meaningless empty threat and will keep hassling you

if he threatens suicide, dont contact his family - you have done that before, they know he is making these threats, let them deal with him

you are being manipulated and controlled here, do not let it continue

Taltos

in_fear wrote: »

As regards talking to his family again and the gardai, I really dont want to do either.

You need to take control here - he has the illusion he has the control with his crazy behaviour - but you really have the power here.
Go to your local Gardai even with your thread printed out, include written history of some of the things and let them know how serious this is...

in_fear wrote: »

His parents don't like me anyway for no reason and I don't know his brother but haven't got any reaction out of him before and I made it clear as day.

For all you know he has spun his family a pack of lies and they could think you are making up these emails. Stop all contact now with them but seek Gardai assistance.

in_fear wrote: »

The gardai, well he has been physically violent towards me but nothing I could prove, I will keep any records I have alright.

Go to them...

in_fear wrote: »

I do think he needs help, he constantly makes threats against other people, you might remember that case in Bray, I don't want that to happen in the future but I can't help him coz heck I can barely help myself and I can see his family just completely ignoring the issue.

He does need help - but he is NOT your responsibility. Cut him out of your life. Speak to the gardai and seek their assistance, let them know that you have been assaulted and you are fearful of what could happen.

This guy is a bully - plain and simple. Someone above described him as a 3yr old - that is apt - and at this stage he will not change - so do what you can to remove this child from your life.

up for anything

This man has been stalking and harassing you for a year now. It is time to go to the Gardai. Stalking and harassment of this kind can lead to murder. You don't want to end up a statistic.

http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/uk_news/4248502.stm

Contact your local women's refuge for advice and help. They have the most experience in dealing with this crime and may even go to the Gardai with you for moral support.

CDfm

OP been there & done that.

Contact you mobile phone provider on the issue.

Its a criminal offense to use a mobile phone this way and they will advise you what to do -such as putting a block on his calls.

If it really was bad I would just change my number and just let the people who need my number have it and tell them not to pass it on.

Contacting the phone provider they will ask you to complain to the guards and will basically give copies of the texts to the guards.

His phone provider will contact him and may suspend his service and the Guards will visit him.

They will attempt to ask him to stop but will not do anything else then give a warning to start.

If he then refuses to stop it is out of your hands.