Cant move on

LegacyUser

Hi,

Okay I do want to keep this short, but that never happens with me. Right so I am female and have been friends with this guy through work for a few years now, since last year we have become very close, we do everything together work, have a business, socialise...you name it...
I was in a long term relationship which ended last year and I have a child for this person, but as that ended, I guess I spent even more time with this guy now...
Right here is the issue...When we met he said he was BI, he had a male partner, and I assumed he was gay....anyway I did not fancy him at all for a long long time....but one night it just clicked in my head that I liked him, and he was all I could think about...
Anyway I want to stress that this was not one sided by any means, I posted here before about it, and basically was advised he was playing me etc....He gave/gives me mixed signals...he tries to touch, feel, you name it and spend any chance he can get with me...
So it got to hard to hold in, and we had a fight, and he kept pushing me to tell him what was wrong...like he almost knew I liked him...anyway I caved in and said yes I have some sort of feelings for you, I just said I dont what they are...so we didnt talk for a few days and it was really awkard, I told him that I didnt want to spend much time with him anymore, and I would have to back away from the business etc...I was very honest and said I am sorry it has to be like this, and he said I am not happy you dont want to be friends anymore, and didnt know I liked him, as he always slags me about how cold I am when I want to be, and how I never show any feelings for anyone, so I guess he was as surprised as me...He basically said "if I was more on the straight side you would be the perfect partner..."I have very deep feeling for you, which confuse me...but nothing will happen"....so that was that....

Anyway after a few days we talked about it some more, and he said he thinks that I only liked him in a sexual way as this was the only area in our relationship we hadent explored, I think he was right to a certain degree as he did tick all the other boxes but not that one...
He also apologised for the fact he always claimed to be BI, he said he was more confused back then, and was embrassed to come out right and say he wa gay...which is why I think I let myself fall for him, he was saying to me I am gay from the beginning, I doubt I would have allowed myself to develop any feelings...
I really want to stress how hard it is for me to fall for someone, I am like he said quiet cold when it comes to my feelings, and I hate when someone knows I like them even a little...so it was very hard to tell him....

right so we are sort of back on track...well I am hiding my feelings again, after all this happened we talked some more, and we make jokes about it....and he makes fun saying I only wanted to bed him...etc etc....
Little does he know that I have fallin for him so much, and cant stand to watch him with his partner, and listening to him, telling me he wants out of his relationship and looking for support from me...I give it to him always, and never cloud my judgement with my feelings as hard as it is....

I know you are all going to tell me to walk away....but I have invested time and money into this business, and I really do love his friendship......I am just so depressed and confused. I am not short of male attention (dont mean that in a big headed way) but I am missing out on meeting mr right....but cant get over this no matter what...

please help....really need advise/opionions..

SORRY I knew I coudnt keep it short...

LegacyUser

Please say someone has some advise for me, or words of wisdom....

limbo79 wrote: »

Hi,

Okay I do want to keep this short, but that never happens with me. Right so I am female and have been friends with this guy through work for a few years now, since last year we have become very close, we do everything together work, have a business, socialise...you name it...
I was in a long term relationship which ended last year and I have a child for this person, but as that ended, I guess I spent even more time with this guy now...
Right here is the issue...When we met he said he was BI, he had a male partner, and I assumed he was gay....anyway I did not fancy him at all for a long long time....but one night it just clicked in my head that I liked him, and he was all I could think about...
Anyway I want to stress that this was not one sided by any means, I posted here before about it, and basically was advised he was playing me etc....He gave/gives me mixed signals...he tries to touch, feel, you name it and spend any chance he can get with me...
So it got to hard to hold in, and we had a fight, and he kept pushing me to tell him what was wrong...like he almost knew I liked him...anyway I caved in and said yes I have some sort of feelings for you, I just said I dont what they are...so we didnt talk for a few days and it was really awkard, I told him that I didnt want to spend much time with him anymore, and I would have to back away from the business etc...I was very honest and said I am sorry it has to be like this, and he said I am not happy you dont want to be friends anymore, and didnt know I liked him, as he always slags me about how cold I am when I want to be, and how I never show any feelings for anyone, so I guess he was as surprised as me...He basically said "if I was more on the straight side you would be the perfect partner..."I have very deep feeling for you, which confuse me...but nothing will happen"....so that was that....

Anyway after a few days we talked about it some more, and he said he thinks that I only liked him in a sexual way as this was the only area in our relationship we hadent explored, I think he was right to a certain degree as he did tick all the other boxes but not that one...
He also apologised for the fact he always claimed to be BI, he said he was more confused back then, and was embrassed to come out right and say he wa gay...which is why I think I let myself fall for him, he was saying to me I am gay from the beginning, I doubt I would have allowed myself to develop any feelings...
I really want to stress how hard it is for me to fall for someone, I am like he said quiet cold when it comes to my feelings, and I hate when someone knows I like them even a little...so it was very hard to tell him....

right so we are sort of back on track...well I am hiding my feelings again, after all this happened we talked some more, and we make jokes about it....and he makes fun saying I only wanted to bed him...etc etc....
Little does he know that I have fallin for him so much, and cant stand to watch him with his partner, and listening to him, telling me he wants out of his relationship and looking for support from me...I give it to him always, and never cloud my judgement with my feelings as hard as it is....

I know you are all going to tell me to walk away....but I have invested time and money into this business, and I really do love his friendship......I am just so depressed and confused. I am not short of male attention (dont mean that in a big headed way) but I am missing out on meeting mr right....but cant get over this no matter what...

please help....really need advise/opionions..

SORRY I knew I coudnt keep it short...

ilovetosing

Limbo you are probably gonna get a few stock replies here from the usual run away and get out type people that sometimes post which is fair enough as that would be the opinion of some! However you have a good friendship and you are invested into a business that you want to see through. YOu want to be happy and make things work and not just walk away from that so really the only thing you can do is to get over it and get on with things!

You know he is gay! he was honest with you! You will always have his friendship and nothing more so there is no point wasting time having feelings so nip them in the bud and just move on and you will eventually find a guy that you will love and eventually you will have forgotten about all of this and all that is left are business and a friendship! Easier said than done and I know some people find letting things go very hard but thats all you can do here!

Good luck.

Taltos

You really have only a few choices here.

Ask yourself (honestly now) -
a) will you be satisfied with just a friendship with this person?
> Yes - then work towards that, try to date someone - get out there and develop feelings for someone else instead of transferring your desires onto this unattainable dude.
> No - see below, for your own sake you gotta end it - and still get out and find someone else...

limbo79 wrote: »

I know you are all going to tell me to walk away....but I have invested time and money into this business, and I really do love his friendship......I am just so depressed and confused. I am not short of male attention (dont mean that in a big headed way) but I am missing out on meeting mr right....but cant get over this no matter what...

LegacyUser

Thx guys for your replies, I know what I have to do myself, which is hard though...
I think I am more annoyed at myself for fallin for him, and at him for not telling me he was gay from the start...instead of all this flirting, and your the one crap...and I am BI....etc etc..
I hate myself at the moment......I keep telling myself he is the way he is, and I am usually a strong person, and emotionally intelligent, but little things keep niggling away in my head...and I find I am putting myself down a lot.
One thing that sticks out in all this, is when we talked about everything, and I asked him why was he more awkard around me and didnt flirt or mess anymore, he just said that he was affriad we would forget we were friends if we were out drunk one night???....etc...and plus he didnt want it to go anywhere and to keep it professional. He also said that he may end up with women again, he isnt sure...but didnt want to say that to me either, and was affraid it he was a women in the future I would be annoyed.....And then made a stupid comment like sure you just want to bed me..hahaha....

So can you see why I have been confused in all this...His confusion has made mine 10 times worse....

I dont know if I can feel like this much longer....Im going to explode...

Taltos

OP

you should be angry. You should let it all out. But - you are not the one to be angry with. From your last post you clearly painted a picture of a guy so far up his own h**e that he seems to have gotten off on playing with your head.

Look - a true friend or an interested party does not do this to someone they care about. Maybe a school kid does. But anyway - look - your relationship is not one that you should be protecting or cherishing - what have you gotten out of it?
> a true friend? Nope
> a future together? Nope
> someone who will make you feel better about yourself? Nope - you got the opposite
> someone who will be there for you? Nope - he is only there for you in so far as to make himself feel better.

This guy - bi - straight - gay - full-blown diva - clearly needs to sort himself out and learn how to be friends without always taking all the time.

Seriously - do yourself a favour. Drop all contact - go out for run, get drunk, chat to a stranger - meet a real friend - but package up all the bad feelings this friendship has gotten you and ship it away...

Reflector

Hi OP,
I know it is hard, when you fall for someone it is uncontrollable and even worse when they don't like you back. It is as if someone else has taken over your body and making you feel and do things you may not want.

In any case the guy is gay and clearly not respecting you and your feelings. You have made it clear how you feel and he is making jokes about it as if you just wanted a quick ride.

You need to distance yourself from him, at least personally. Try and catch up with some old friends and family, make your time unavailable. focus on what you don't like about him and remember that you are still the strong confident person you always were but this is just a reminder that you are human and hopefully the next person you fall for will treat you right and with love and respect.

LegacyUser

Thanks for your reply...it make a lot of sense...
Sometimes I think your right he is very selfish, and then other times I realise he is very insecure, and probably does like the fact that I like him...and its good for his ego...he is in a horrible relationship, which is over every other week...and he stays for what reasons I dont know...but I dont judge, as thats his choice...

I guess I will try and distance myself from him for a bit, and see how it goes...I will only make contact regarding the business...I know its gonna be really hard, as I will miss my friend aswell...
I do have many other friends and we all spend time together, none of them have a clue how I feel...the gas thing they all comment that its him who likes me...

I just cant wait to be looking back on this and thinking how silly it was...well I hope I am..

Taltos wrote: »

OP

you should be angry. You should let it all out. But - you are not the one to be angry with. From your last post you clearly painted a picture of a guy so far up his own h**e that he seems to have gotten off on playing with your head.

Look - a true friend or an interested party does not do this to someone they care about. Maybe a school kid does. But anyway - look - your relationship is not one that you should be protecting or cherishing - what have you gotten out of it?
> a true friend? Nope
> a future together? Nope
> someone who will make you feel better about yourself? Nope - you got the opposite
> someone who will be there for you? Nope - he is only there for you in so far as to make himself feel better.

This guy - bi - straight - gay - full-blown diva - clearly needs to sort himself out and learn how to be friends without always taking all the time.

Seriously - do yourself a favour. Drop all contact - go out for run, get drunk, chat to a stranger - meet a real friend - but package up all the bad feelings this friendship has gotten you and ship it away...

LegacyUser

limbo79 wrote: »

Hi,

and he said he thinks that I only liked him in a sexual way as this was the only area in our relationship we hadent explored, I think he was right to a certain degree as he did tick all the other boxes but not that one...

Does this mean that yous have kissed? If so did it feel meaningful? If so I can understand why you would be so confused over this.

limbo79 wrote: »

he tries to touch, feel, you name it

This really confuses me, why would someone who says he is gay act like this towards you, was he just drunk? Is it still happening or has he backed away since yor talk?

LegacyUser

Hi there,

No we have never kissed, I sometimes wish we could just to see if there is anything...

Marge2000 wrote: »

Does this mean that yous have kissed? If so did it feel meaningful? If so I can understand why you would be so confused over this.



This really confuses me, why would someone who says he is gay act like this towards you, was he just drunk? Is it still happening or has he backed away since yor talk?

This confuses the hell out of me aswell....but yes he doesnt to it as much as he used to since the chat I suppose...it was always in a flirty way, especially when we were both out etc...but it didnt always involve drink....
Maybe he wasnt aware what he was doing, and found it easy to flirt with me as I was a girl and he didnt have to back it up...thats what I think anyway...

but I am really hurting..just want to fast forward...but I feel I get a little sorted in my head, and then something happens and then I am back to square one...

kalmfang

*snip*

ha, this is the completely wrong thread
and it was a really heartfelt and emotion post too

LegacyUser

??? Im confused with the below??

kalmfang wrote: »

*snip*

ha, this is the completely wrong thread
and it was a really heartfelt and emotion post too

Zaph

I think it's pretty self-explanatory. kalmfang posted a response here that was meant for another thread and so they deleted it.

LegacyUser

I see that now...

Zaph wrote: »

I think it's pretty self-explanatory. kalmfang posted a response here that was meant for another thread and so they deleted it.

LegacyUser

okay, so I was with the guy in question hanging out, and his partner came in, and was givin out about something or other as usual, anyway the partner was showing me a text, about something that my friend was suppose to do and didnt do it (some household chore), but what caught my attention was the affection in the text- babe, love etc....and this person whom this thread is about told me he was getting rid of his partner, and wanted out of the relationship. I am a little annoyed why does he feel the need to lie to me, and why cant he tell me he wants to stay with this guy, and stop trying to pretend he is not gay....I cant be sure but I think he just says these things to me..maybe it is to keep me interested, as I really dont think he is thats stupid at all....then he tells me he is meeting up with another guy the weekend when his partner is away....I couldnt believe it...
Anyway I am disgusted with myself for having any sort of feelings for him...I mean he has no respect for even the people who is suppose to love....
It clear that he does love his partner, and for some reason even though they dont work together at all...he wants to remain with him...and now he is lying about it...
I just cant understand...

Anyway just needed a rant...thx if you read this..

Taltos

limbo7923 wrote: »

okay, so I was with the guy in question hanging out, and his partner came in, and was givin out about something or other as usual, anyway the partner was showing me a text, about something that my friend was suppose to do and didnt do it (some household chore), but what caught my attention was the affection in the text- babe, love etc....and this person whom this thread is about told me he was getting rid of his partner, and wanted out of the relationship. I am a little annoyed why does he feel the need to lie to me, and why cant he tell me he wants to stay with this guy, and stop trying to pretend he is not gay....I cant be sure but I think he just says these things to me..maybe it is to keep me interested, as I really dont think he is thats stupid at all....then he tells me he is meeting up with another guy the weekend when his partner is away....I couldnt believe it...
Anyway I am disgusted with myself for having any sort of feelings for him...I mean he has no respect for even the people who is suppose to love....
It clear that he does love his partner, and for some reason even though they dont work together at all...he wants to remain with him...and now he is lying about it...
I just cant understand...

Anyway just needed a rant...thx if you read this..

OP - not sure why you keep doing this to yourself.
You know what he is like.
You know you are being hurt.
Forget about how little respect he has - what about you???
You were somewhere with him where his partner was - do you not care about hurting him at all with this playing with fire.

I'm sorry but at some point you have to step back and take responsibility for your actions. Yes this guy is being a class A pr**k, but you too have a role here - pity you cannot see that.

LegacyUser

Hi there,

I completley agree with you on all points....I should walk away, and its my fault, I know all this, and hate myself for this. I spend time away from him, and then when I am grand in myself we meet up, and I go back to square one...
You have to understand we are friends along time before all this, and work together, and I was only around recently for work reasons, I refused to go out socially with him the last few times, I am really trying...
I am doing everything now that I would have normally done before I had feelings for him, and this is why I am also around the partner....Its so hard trying to break the habit...but we all get on so well....I know you prob think I am being a bitch being around the partner when I have feelings for his boyfriend....

I have so much to think about....I seem to only have one choice, cut all ties and forget about the business and friendship....and I am devasted over that...

I want nothing more than to forget about all this, and still have the relationship I had with him before, but I dont think it will happen...

Taltos wrote: »

OP - not sure why you keep doing this to yourself.
You know what he is like.
You know you are being hurt.
Forget about how little respect he has - what about you???
You were somewhere with him where his partner was - do you not care about hurting him at all with this playing with fire.

I'm sorry but at some point you have to step back and take responsibility for your actions. Yes this guy is being a class A pr**k, but you too have a role here - pity you cannot see that.