Married guy

LegacyUser

So I'm looking for some opinions here please...

I met a guy recently, out for drinks, we just met cos of work (he was over for meetings, I'll never see him again) and he was leaving the next day. We ended up fooling around but I said I wouldn't sleep with him because it'd be unprofessional (yes I know I shouldn't have been kissing him in the first place!). He then said he was married. I immediately kicked him out, I was kinda drunk at this stage so dont remember my words exactly. He was really nice the whole time, didn't try to force anything, but was surprised I wouldn't let him explain. He said he was seperated & getting a divorce, but at this point I didn't want to hear anything else from him.
Now as I've said, because he was a "work thing", nothing more was gonna happen. But aside from that, he's married & to me that means NO!!
I spoke to one friend & she said she'd be the same, married = no, but she said if he was seperated, then she'd think again. I'm confused. Is that not what all married guys would say when they're trying to get a girl into bed?
I just want to see what other people think, did I over-react?

tenchi-fan

You hardly knew him except from business meetings and still got drunk with him and kissed him .. yet you were horrified that he's playing the field when he's separated from his wife.

You have your standards, he has his! who's to say where to draw lines.

I have an uncle who separated from his wife 10 years ago but for whatever reason they haven't divorced (supposedly it's not as easy to get a divorce in Ireland - he was told it could take years to come through due to legal wrangling by his ex-wife) and now he's in a long-term relationship with someone else.

Of course your business associate might not really be separated. You don't know him that well, obviously, so he might have been lying. In which case you did the right thing. It sounds like you're being a bit over-dramatic though! We live in the 21st century after all!

Maguined

If he simply wanted to sleep with you then why did he tell you that he was married at all ? would it not have been simpler to not say anything and let you assume he was single ?

Did he have a wedding ring on ?

Seems to me he was an honest chap wanting to let you know the full story before anything went further.

LegacyUser

Hello, OP back again. Thanks for your replies. Just want to say the night started off with a group of about 10 out for drinks and wittled down to just us- so no agenda on my part.

Techni-fan. Yeah maybe I was a bit dramatic. I don’t know if I was horrified, but I guess I just presumed that both of us must be single? I started thinking about his wife when he said it Though for all I know she was off doing the same thing!

Maguined: I was thinking the same thing! Why would he tell me he’s married? Especially when he seemed to say it to persuade me to sleep with him (as in, “we shouldn’t do this cos of work, we also shouldn’t do it cos I’m married”). Did he expect me to say, “Oh you’re married, grand, get your pants off”? No wedding ring, I dont think. I've never thought to check for that, maybe I should start. Yeah maybe he was just trying to be honest. I do regret reacting the way I did

I’m just wondering what other people would do if faced with that news at that time. Maybe if he’d said something while we were still chatting? (not that I should expect too much info from a guy I’ll never see again really). Maybe it was an attack of conscience on his part.
Confused!

Stu

I don't know why he told you he was married. Maybe he had a guilty conscience. It's a strange one though especially as he was just about to get into your pants . Only kidding. Ah, look you were right to knock it on the head anyway. Just forget about it. You didn't do anything wrong.

LegacyUser

Ha ha! Thanks Stu, that made me laugh It was strange to tell me then, but I think its as Maguined said- he was just trying to be honest. Poor fella didn't expect to get the reaction he did I think

Elle Collins

Anon_chick wrote: »

Ha ha! Thanks Stu, that made me laugh It was strange to tell me then, but I think its as Maguined said- he was just trying to be honest. Poor fella didn't expect to get the reaction he did I think

Fair play to you. There aren't enough women out there who would no-questions-asked hoof a married bloke straight out the door. I'd say his face was a picture!

username123

Very very similar situation happened to a friend of mine - but she didnt kick him out. Anyway, turned out some weeks later, that he wasnt seperated at all. He was surprisingly honest about all of this to my pal, even saying that he preferred to be open about the situation as it was hard enough keeping secrets from the wife, and better if he was able to be open with the other person he was sleeping with. The reason he told the married but seperating part at all was it gave him the hook into seeing a new girl, and then she would become emotionally involved and when it turned out he wasnt actually seperating she didnt have the big shock of 'oh he is married' because she already knew that. He had had a number of side affairs during his marraige, and had in some cases pretended that the wife wanted to try things again but he wasnt sure, that he felt he had to stay for the sake of the kids etc...

Kimia

Really does beg the question - what did he expect you to say? That it's no problem, sure who cares if he has a wife, let's have sex? Doesn't sound like he'd much respect for you tbh.

seenitall

username123 wrote: »

Very very similar situation happened to a friend of mine - but she didnt kick him out. Anyway, turned out some weeks later, that he wasnt seperated at all. He was surprisingly honest about all of this to my pal, even saying that he preferred to be open about the situation as it was hard enough keeping secrets from the wife, and better if he was able to be open with the other person he was sleeping with. The reason he told the married but seperating part at all was it gave him the hook into seeing a new girl, and then she would become emotionally involved and when it turned out he wasnt actually seperating she didnt have the big shock of 'oh he is married' because she already knew that. He had had a number of side affairs during his marraige, and had in some cases pretended that the wife wanted to try things again but he wasnt sure, that he felt he had to stay for the sake of the kids etc...

This story is the best ever reason that there is, not to get anywhere near those "married but separated" guys out there. You just never know the truth, so girls if you have any self-respect, don't be taking them home. These guys feed on insecurity and self esteem issues, and they don't care who they hurt in the process of getting their bit on the side. Disgusting.

jimmycrackcorm

seenitall wrote: »

This story is the best ever reason that there is, not to get anywhere near those "married but separated" guys out there. You just never know the truth, so girls if you have any self-respect, don't be taking them home. These guys feed on insecurity and self esteem issues, and they don't care who they hurt in the process of getting their bit on the side. Disgusting.

All very well to say that, bit what if you were to end up becoming separated? Will you avoid having any relationships yourself until you wait out the years until you can get a divorce?

It's also worth saying that single people can also make excuses to get put of a relationship and someone genuinely separated will find it difficult to keep their wife in the dark without it being obvious to the new partner.

LegacyUser

Hi all, OP back again. Thanks again for all the replies.

Elle Collins: Why is it there “aren't enough women out there who would no-questions-asked hoof a married bloke straight out the door.”? That, to me, seems like the obvious thing to do- not because I’m a very moral/ ethical person- but because I’d feel like crap if I did sleep with him & I’d hate to think of a married friend of mine going off with some girl for a night & her having no problem with it. Now as I said above, I do regret not letting him explain a bit (just because he seemed like a nice guy & I think its rude not to let someone speak)- but I highly doubt it would have changed my mind.

Kimia: That’s exactly what I’m thinking, what did he expect from me at that point? I’m not sure I’d say he had no respect for me, rather he was trying to be honest & it didn’t go the way he hoped. Though I don’t know him well so you could be right.

Username123/ Jimmycrackcorm: Its one thing if there was going to be something between us after that night, maybe things would have been different but he lives in another country so no chance of that!

I just wonder… he travels a fair bit for work, assuming he hooks up with girls everywhere, does he tell them he’s married? It doesn’t seem like a “player” move, but rather a rookie mistake

seenitall

jimmycrackcorm wrote: »

All very well to say that, bit what if you were to end up becoming separated? Will you avoid having any relationships yourself until you wait out the years until you can get a divorce?

It's also worth saying that single people can also make excuses to get put of a relationship and someone genuinely separated will find it difficult to keep their wife in the dark without it being obvious to the new partner.

Funny you should ask me that jimmy, cos as it happens I am (genuinely!) separated. I am not avoiding getting into a relationship nor would I expect it from any genuinely separated person. But it is important to be aware that when someone tells you they are separated, they just could be lying, (of course, in their eyes, they are only telling a half-truth at worst - really married but may as well be separated for all the happiness they get at home, blah blah blah).

The key is, I suppose to know better than to let someone into your bed, your heart and your life while you still don't know him from Adam. That's why I said don't take him home. Swap numbers, go on a few dates and suss out his living situation first (meaning is he free to invite you to his for a drink or two, or is it for some reason never on the agenda - a tell-tale sign, obviously!), then see where things go. If you are too impatient to do that before starting to fall for someone in the natural progression of things, well then, good luck is all I can say...

Of course, single people can be just as manipulative and as headwrecking as the "married but separated" people, but that's not what this thread is about. They are two completely separately headwrecking set of problems to deal with.

OP, I just want to make it clear that I think you did the right thing after hearing the word "married" out of his mouth, absolutely 100%. For the reason I outlined in my first post on here.

The best of luck to you.