Parents driving me mad!

LegacyUser

Im a 27 year old women who has recently had to move back home due to finanical constraints. I left a very well paid and prestigious career path over three years ago because I was very unhappy with working in it. I have been working over the last few years in a caring role that is not as well paid but is bringing me real enjoyment and fullfilment in my every day life,and I consider myself very lucky.

As I have loans to pay off I decided the best thing was to move back home to the country and save up some money living with my parents. However,at the moment they are quite literally driving me insane!

I have completely different outlooks and beliefs on life than both my parents have. I am an atheist and have not being going to church for well over four years. On Sunday I was due to go to work at 2 pm and my dad made me get up to go to mass. When I was younger I used to go to mass just to appease them but now Im 27 I think its really my decision to go to mass or not. My dad hit the roof,and was screaming at me,calling me all sort of names under the sun to make me go to mass. My mother and sister were crying during this and saying I should just go to mass. But I felt it very important that while I know I'm under his roof,religion and spirituality is a private matter and I will not be bullied into going to mass.
He is a very dominant man and ridicules my beliefs and work constantly. My other brothers and sisters all have very well-paid jobs and he is always comparing me to them. I work very hard and its tough coming home and listening to someone demean your work.

My mother is a bit better,and would't make me go to mass but she is very materialistic,something which I am not. She is constantly asking me how am I going to get a house and get married etc etc. My parents do not get on at all,and probably remained married for the sake of the kids and for Catholic reasons. Its very difficult being around them when my dad is sniping at my mum all the time,my mum rarely stands up to my dad.

I moved back home so I can pay off my loans and save some money so I can get better qualifications as I want to become a social worker. This to them is a job for stupid people and they have no qualms telling me so.
I realise I am living under their roof so I can't say much to them.I want to have a good relationship with my mum and dad but I am resenting them more and more living at home with them. I wonder If anyone has similar experiences of moving back home and how best to deal with it?

OS119

sorry OP, no such thing as a free lunch - at 27 you don't have any entitlement to move back 'home' in order to save money, and certainly not after giving up a well paid job - however much you hated it - in order to pursue another career.

that doesn't mean anyone has any right to poke their nose into your religous beliefs, or to make you pray to the Great Spaggetti Monster in the sky - but i'm afraid that people do have the right to be utter cnuts in their own home.

you're an adult, and you get to live in the way that you choose - you chose to give up the independence of a decent salary, and having to live with cnuts is a consequence of that decision (i'm assuming you had met your parents before deciding to live with them...). don't like it? change the decision.

LegacyUser

As I have loans to pay off I decided the best thing was to move back home to the country and save up some money living with my parents. However,at the moment they are quite literally driving me insane

My mother is a bit better,and would't make me go to mass but she is very materialistic,something which I am not. She is constantly asking me how am I going to get a house and get married etc etc.

op while it is very admirable that you had the balls to leave a job you weren't happy in ..presumably you knew that you had these loans and what not to pay off before you left the well paid job...surely the smarter thing to do not have been to stay in the first job until you had these loans paid off and then move jobs??

while you may not be materialistic, i hate to say it your mother has a point, leaving marraige aside, how are you going to afford a house for yourself, i mean you cant live with your parents forever?? you said you had a well paid job before this, but are now under financial constraints, are you maybe not so good with management of your money?? its admirable that you want to go back to college and change careers...but how do you plan on being able to survive on a lower wage when you managed to get into financial problems on a higher earning job??...these questions aren't being materialistic...its just being practical...its all well an good to want a rewarding job, but equally you can't bury your head in the sand...not trying to disrespect you op just another point of view.

Like you i had a sh*t job for years and i hope to go back to college to retrain next year...but i saved damn hard and went without a lot of nice things while i was working cos i knew i didnt want to stay in that career, but i knew i had to slog it out to fund going back to college. means to an end.

I realise I am living under their roof so I can't say much to them.I want to have a good relationship with my mum and dad but I am resenting them more and more living at home with them. I wonder If anyone has similar experiences of moving back home and how best to deal with it?

no op ...you don't get to say anything to them...its their house their rules. You're 27! have you ever thought that maybe they resent having their 27 year old grown up daughter back under their feet?? There is no dealing with it. Just accept it. You made the decision to move back home...decisions have consequences. This is yours.

My parents do not get on at all,and probably remained married for the sake of the kids and for Catholic reasons. Its very difficult being around them when my dad is sniping at my mum all the time,my mum rarely stands up to my dad.

none of your business op. as above, consequences of decisions, both them, and you.

tenchi-fan

The whole mass thing.. it's not because he is religious. It's just a form of control. It appears he is trying to do good by you (saving your soul) and it also appears he is not benefiting from his actions.

He's just controlling you. Same way as the brothers used to beat up kids in institutions and said they were just serving the church.


I left my job in accounting years ago and had a great idea that i'd do teaching. got a job and moved home so i could save money & within a month i had to move out. to be spoken to like that again as an adult, I just couldn't take it so it permanently destroyed any relationship I had with my dad.

Don't mean to hijack your post.. but my advice is to get out of there if it's making you unhappy and breaking your spirit.

Alternatively, you might try just doing up a spare room into a nice living room for yourself and just explain to your dad you want a bit of space and as an adult you don't want to go to mass. Good luck though - I wasn't able to.

LegacyUser

I am a few years older than you and have been back in parent's place for a couple of months.

Luckily I'm moving out at the weekend. My folks are grand to live with. In fact, it has improved my relationship with them - gives us time to spend time (albeit a bit much) together.

In relation to mass, what you could do is "count yourself out" and let him know that you are no longer a Catholic, and then talk to your local priest and tell him that you're outta there and let your dad know that the priest now knows.

Alternatively, do what we used do as teenagers... leave the house and go for a coffee instead. He may be happy enough knowing that you're pretending to go.

Hard situation for you to be in .

Redpunto

Move out and get a job that can pay for your rent. Theres not many of us out there who can "decide" to go back and re-train.

LegacyUser

I am a bit taken aback by these responses.. I am around the same age and moved home a month after losing my job(didnt quit just laid off) Anyway i am trying really hard to get a job and can't find one for the life of me its absolute torture, i've had people look att my cv and they say its good but i still get nothing i am not in debt or anything in fact i have 20000 in the bank. Nor do I want to be in debt or spend my savings and so am living at home working in a really crap job where i barely make the dole amount every week!
I am now looking abroad although I really hate the thought of moving at my age!
I would really just love to get a job move out and be in a position to buy my own home instead of living with the parents. I do feel lucky that i do have a place to go and feel desperately bad every day that i am staying here, but sometimes you just cannot get a job as hard as you try!

Cunning Stunt

hurt wrote: »

i am not in debt or anything in fact i have 20000 in the bank. Nor do I want to be in debt or spend my savings and so am living at home working in a really crap job where i barely make the dole amount every week!

You have 20k in the bank that you don't want to spend, so you move back in with your parents -- what a hardship :rolleyes: Are you even giving them any money to pay your way, or are you just freeloading?

LegacyUser

Cunning Stunt wrote: »

You have 20k in the bank that you don't want to spend, so you move back in with your parents -- what a hardship :rolleyes: Are you even giving them any money to pay your way, or are you just freeloading?

So you think i should spend what could be a deposit on a house on rent? They don't want me to do that either they want me to get a job and buy a house instead of paying someone elses mortgage which is what i've been doing while renting since i left secondary school. I am paying my own way at home. It is a hardship when you cant get a lousy job

sarmer

Gosh I'm kinda surprised at some of the responses here!

OP your Dad was trying to bully you. Whether you live at home or live on your own it's no way to behave. Calmy explain to him you reasons for not going to mass and he'll just have to deal with it. If you give in to that, he'll bully you about other things too.

Fair play to you for recognising that you were in a career that you hated and finding something that you actually love doing. I'm in a similar position. It's all too easy to end up in a job that you hate and sticking with it cos of the money.

LegacyUser

Thank you all for the replys so far.

My loans aren't substantial but there loans I had from colllege which I am still repaying due to extortinate intrest,It was due to poor financial guidance rather than mismanagment.
Its more for saving money that I moved back into home. My sisters and brothers have all had to live at home for various reasons in the last few years,so I know that my parents don't resent having us living with them. I know they enjoy having us around as life would be pretty lonely If they didnt have me coming home and telling them funny stories from work,and they enjoy having dinner with me etc.

As for 'count me out' I defected over a year ago. I told my dad a few months ago and he screamed at me to 'F*ck of out of his house'. The very essence of Christianity!

I have a place in college in September which is all set and ready to go,so I will be moving out in a few months. I know these are my decisions and I have to deal with the consequences. However, I don't know If I agree with the whole 'His House,His rules' replys. Surely religious beliefs are out of bounds? I clean, I go on trips to the mart with my dad,I cook, I do my best to be a good daughter,but from morning to night I have to listen to criticism on my character and career. I've been here since January and now its really strating to grate.
Does anyone have any coping mechanism in how to deal with this situation,I've remained calm and passive until recently,but theres only so much that you can take before breaking point,and being almost dragged by my hair to mass on Sunday was breaking point for me.

Sarmer,thanks for the positive response I'm lucky that I discovered early that I didn't like the direction my life was headed. I know so many of my friends who continue in jobs they HATE,just for money. I can see them all cruising towards serious mid life crisis. You spend more of your life at work than home, so If your not happy their you're never gonna be happy. Whatever about my home situation now, I am a lot happier now in myself, even living with the dominant parents, than I was in my previous career and own flat.

LegacyUser

OP, you have bravery.
There are so many people in jobs they despise that are afraid to leave. (including me )
You only have one life so go find the job you enjoy and get paid for it. So what if it's not a high paying prestigious job, once it pays the bills, your happiness is worth more that your massive pay cheque.
Plus with levies and high rate of tax a big salary is whittled down easily.

Well done for finding a course so you be a professional and expert in this new area. Investigate grants and entitlements with your local VEC, you may get something.

However, get those loans paid off, I hate being in debt and nobody wants to be in debt.

Mostly I do agree with "their house, their rules" but as said, getting you to Mass is more about control then some ultra religous belief. Nothing worse then somebody who is compelled to go to Mass for sake of appearances, if it's not you then be honest and don't go. Talk to the parish priest if you want if you have issues to discuss, they're accessible and have dealt with people like you before.

GeorgeCostanza

hurt wrote: »

So you think i should spend what could be a deposit on a house on rent?

That's what most people do. It's part of being an adult and standing on your own two feet. As other posters have suggested, if you find your parents so objectionable, take some of your precious 20K and move out. You're 27, not 17. Time to grow up, tbh.

unhappy at home op wrote: »

My loans aren't substantial but there loans I had from colllege which I am still repaying due to extortinate intrest,It was due to poor financial guidance rather than mismanagment.

It seems to me that you're very fond of playing the victim - always someone else's fault. It makes no sense to be paying "extortionate" interest on a loan while having 20K in the bank. Once again, you're displaying a complete lack of maturity.

tenchi-fan

GeorgeCostanza wrote: »

It seems to me that you're very fond of playing the victim - always someone else's fault. It makes no sense to be paying "extortionate" interest on a loan while having 20K in the bank. Once again, you're displaying a complete lack of maturity.

Hi.. i was confused reading this thread. is it possible the op with the loans is a different person to the person who has the 20k in the bank?

fatmammycat

GeorgeCostanza wrote: »

That's what most people do. It's part of being an adult and standing on your own two feet. As other posters have suggested, if you find your parents so objectionable, take some of your precious 20K and move out. You're 27, not 17. Time to grow up, tbh.






It seems to me that you're very fond of playing the victim - always someone else's fault. It makes no sense to be paying "extortionate" interest on a loan while having 20K in the bank. Once again, you're displaying a complete lack of maturity.

You're mixing up posters.

GeorgeCostanza

fatmammycat wrote: »

You're mixing up posters.

So I am... apologies. I got confused over the post which started with:

hurt wrote: »

I am a bit taken aback by these responses..

But I still think the OP needs to grow up a bit..

ManOfMystery

OP

Unfortunately I'm with the others. Whilst your parent's behaviour may seem OTT and out of order, the fact remains : it is THEIR house. They're entitled to behave however they want in it. If you choose to accept their charity (in terms of them giving you a roof over your head whilst you get your career and finances in order), the price you pay is that you're going to have to put up with this.

I find it strange however that for people with a seemingly invested interest in religion, they don't seem to appreciate you're aiming for a career which is ultimately there to help people - not make money out of people or profit from them. Perhaps you should push this angle with them a bit more and perhaps they'll start to appreciate that whilst you're not religious like them in the traditional sense, you are certainly working towards a lot of the values which are held in high importance in Catholicism.

LegacyUser

GeorgeCostanza wrote: »

That's what most people do. It's part of being an adult and standing on your own two feet. As other posters have suggested, if you find your parents so objectionable, take some of your precious 20K and move out. You're 27, not 17. Time to grow up, tbh.


seems to me that you're very fond of playing the victim - always someone else's fault. It makes no sense to

It be paying "extortionate" interest on a loan while having 20K in the bank. Once again, you're displaying a complete lack of maturity.

Posters have been mixed i am not complaining about my parents at all, i shouldn't have posted on this probably. i do agree with their house their rules. i dont see anything majorly wrong though with moving in with them if they don't mind. As i and they think it would be stupid to be paying rent to some one else with no job. I can only find a job in my home town at the moment that's only part time at that.

Kimia

Hurt - I think what people are saying is that (assuming you're in your 20's or 30's upwards) it's not really up to your parents to rescue you or to provide you with a home anymore. Do they not deserve to have the house to themselves now that you and your siblings are grown up? You need to start being independent and if you have 20K in the bank you need to start using it to look after yourself and stop expecting your parents to look after you instead. You need to grow up.

OP - I feel bad for you but again your parents can do whatever they like in their own home. It's not on for your dad to force his beliefs on you but because you CHOSE to give up your well paid job and move back in with them you need to suck it up.

LegacyUser

Kimia wrote: »

OP - I feel bad for you but again your parents can do whatever they like in their own home. It's not on for your dad to force his beliefs on you but because you CHOSE to give up your well paid job and move back in with them you need to suck it up.

and part of sucking it up is to completely go against my set of beliefs and principles and attend mass? I thought that maybe my dad was being unreasonable, but reading this thread am I wrong to refuse to go to mass on a Sunday? I live in the middle of the countryside and don't fancy wasting petrol,running away and hiding in town every Sunday when my father makes me go to mass before work.

The Parish priest knows I defected because I sent the papers to him. As for my Catholic parents being dleighted that I am choosing a caring role with Catholic values etc. There the Bertie Ahern type Capitalist Catholics,who do all the superficial trappings of Catholic life,mass, roasry etc but have never read the bible and have no deep spirituality. The worst kind of religious IMO!

Anyways, is good to hear that there's other going through similar situations

Kimia

Op, sorry i mustn't have made myself clear enough. I don't think you should be forced to go to mass, certainly not. But you will have to accept that you knew what they were like before you moved back in with them! There's no point battling them because you chose this..