Worried I'm not balanced...

LegacyUser

Don't know where to start.

Can't go into much detail because there's a chance a family member is reading this too.

Basically, life at home is difficult these days. It's very stressful for me. My brother is quite depressed (kinda runs in the family... I went through a bit of a spell a few years ago as well) and he is sometimes suicidal.

We had a bad argument yesterday. Started out as a discussion about how he should go about treatment. Ended up as argument when he got angry. I stayed calm for as long as I could but I eventually lost my cool (which I felt awfully guilty about) and I feel like I upset my father and let down my brother.

Afterwards, I was so angry at myself for losing my cool like that.

Had some bad thoughts of hurting myself. I never would. Just felt like I wanted to hurt myself (maybe for punishment?). Had an image of getting a kitchen knife and stabbing myself in the stomach.

Anyway, don't focus on that too much. The bit I'm worried about is coming up.

Later, my brother said something to me that made me flip. I went outside and started smacking the wall with my hands, fisting the bins, fisting chairs, a bed in the garage etc. Just in a rage.

Went and sat down to cool off. Felt a bit better (but still bad inside... especially for losing it again).

Later, got a yogurt and sat down to eat it. For some reason, I wanted to throw my face into the yogurt. I didn't. I just stared at it. The next thing I know, my face is in the yogurt and I'm blowing yogurt out of the side of my mouth. After no more than 2 seconds, I come up in shock at what I've just done (or why I've done it).

I started crying because I feel like I've finally become what I thought I was. Crazy.

Now I'm woefully depressed. I'm engaged and completely in love with my fiancee. But because I love her, I don't want her to have to live with a nut. I worry that whenever things get stressful, I flip out.

At home, I carry a lot on my shoulders. My father can't cope and doesn't know how to deal with stuff and nobody else really helps (I have a sister but she conveniently stays out of it and goes about her own life). So it's me that bears the brunt of it and it's a bit much sometimes.

But I don't feel like I should flip like this.

I don't know what to do.

I don't want to break up with my fiancee. I just worry that I'm crazy and that she deserves better.


I guess what I'd like to know is: Is it normal to flip out like this? Or should I get some professional help? The thought of getting professional help hurts me as well. Like "That's it, now that I'm getting professional help, I'm a total nut" and I fear of the effect it would have on my father if he knew that BOTH of his sons were getting professional help.

I'm fine most of the time.

mudbath142

sorry to hear about your situation - it sounds pretty bad and also sounds like you need time out or away from the situation. Even just to get out of the house and go for a long walk and try and clear your head. I'm no expert but your attitude to professional help is over the top. All sorts of people get professional help and many others who don't probably should.
I've tried hypnosis, psychotherapy, and acupuncture to try and cure social anxiety. It didn't work but at least I could talk about it.

Do you have a friend (maybe your fiance or maybe not?) or anyone that's outside your situation that you could talk to? It sounds like you are taking on too much responsibility on your shoulder and you need help. Dont beat yourself up over what happened - it was obviously a very highly charged and emotional situation and you just reacted the way you did - end of. Try and learn from that but above all, try and get help - whether a friend or a professional

LegacyUser

Hi. OP here.

First thing I want to do is apologise for how my attitude came across concerning seeking professional help. I re-read my post later at night and was not happy at all with the way I came across.

I'm certainly not one of those people who thinks that seeking professional help is anything to be ashamed of and I'm always making effort to dispel any and all misconceptions people have about mental disorders etc (always telling people that statistics say that 1 in 4 people have a mental health problem of some kind and things like that).

I think, in the state of mind I was in at the time of posting, a fear of confirmation of being insane is what I was trying to convey. I'd also like to apologise for using the word "nut". I don't normally use such words.

I've always said that if someone has a problem with their eyes, they should go to an eye doctor (an optician), if someone has a problem with their back, they should go to a back doctor (an orthopaedic/chiropractor) and if someone has something wrong with their head, they should go to a head doctor (psychiatrist).

It's that simple and there's nothing wrong with it. Sorry again.



Thanks mudbath for your reply. I read it soon after you posted it but didn't get the chance to reply till now.

I really appreciate everything you said. It actually helped a lot. As it happens, my fiancée is very supportive about stuff. There is some stuff I can't tell her (private stuff to do with my brother) but generally, she's supportive and it does help. I don't think I can tell anyone else.

I decided to tell her about how I went into a rage and stuff. Felt like she had a right to know. She was supportive and it helped a lot. Decided not to tell her about the yoghurt thing. I'm quite ashamed and embarrassed about it really.

In general, I tend to cope with these things by myself quite well but I guess, every once in a while, it gets a bit much. Something I realised today (after having left the house) is that I hadn't been out of the house since Saturday evening and that probably didn't help my stress levels.

I usually use certain techniques to control my anger. It's worked quite well up to now but, for some reason, I didn't employ them in that situation. I've decided that if I get in a rage again then I'll seek out some kind of anger management course or ask for a psychiatric opinion.

Thanks again for your help.