is he gay?

LegacyUser

Hi all,

ok - i met a guy on line - we seemed to get on and have lots in common so we decided to meet up. We met up last nite but low and behold as soon as I met him I thought he seemed to be gay. (no offense to anyone who is gay bth). The reason I thought he seemed gay was because of his voice (really high pitched) and also some of his mannerisms, and things he told me about himself seemed v feminine; traits one would associate with someone who is gay.

During our conversation he mentioned how some guys have mistaken him for being gay.. but I did not draw attention to it. We left with just a peck on our cheeks but he rang me today saying he would like to see me again during the week. I told him I would get back to him as I have a busy week ahead.

This is a new one on me. I really think he is gay. TBH I do not think I could date him because of this.

But I do not know what to do now - do I:

1. Just tell him I am not interested - though he will be surprised by this as we got on soooo well or,
2. Meet him and tell him I think like him but think seems gay?

Is it possible that he is gay and still in denial? He is 34 bth...

InTheTrees

The paradox of the effeminate hetrosexual.

I think its okay for a woman to admit she's after a manly man, it doesnt have to be a gay thing.

Des Carter

If you were 100% sure he was straight and was just a bit on the feminine side would you go out with him?

If yes call him and arrange a date.

If no end it.

simple as that

liah

I have a friend who's an awful lot like you've described, hell, it could be him from that description. He's even around the same age. He grew up in a massive family (12 of them, with a fairly large age divide) and a lot of his siblings who are around his age are female, perhaps that's where he picked it up. But he's quite soft spoken and effeminate and conscientious, very good at relating to women, is always the kind of guy you can talk about girly stuff (or anything "deep" or "emotional") with. But he's not gay, it's just how he is.

Another mate of mine isn't as outwardly effeminate but has absolutely no problem displaying affection for male friends and he's exceptional at gay chicken (google it). He's very huggy, will tell other men that they look good in a certain outfit/with a certain haircut/whatever, point out that other men are attractive, kisses other guys on the cheek, etc. He's also most definitely not gay.

Basically, you can't know. Some gay guys are the manliest men you can find, it works both ways.

Gotta take your chances on this one, I'm afraid, but try not to pre-judge.

miss5

It's impossible to know for sure unless you ask him but if it was a date, I'm
sure at 34 he is sure of his sexuality. Some men are quite feminine but it
doesn't mean they are gay.

LegacyUser

thanks for all your replies.

Em he's more than your typical effeminate hetro.. there is something very camp about him..

I am going to meet him again anyway cos I did like him and I am not the type to just write someone off on an inclination.

But, i am surprised no one has mentioned the fact that he brought it up about people mistaking him for being gay?? I got to thinking this could be a decoy mechanism. Or perhaps it is the truth.

Also, I guess I want to know if anyone has had any knowledge of someone being afraid to come out - regardless of their age etc.

I feel like i am in dangerous water here - when we meet and I still think he is gay should I ask him straight out? My hunch would be to do so but in the appropriate way... or should i just brush him off? Which would he appreciate?

Monkey61

I am a bit confused OP. When you say you met this guy online and went out with him - did you actually go out on a date with him? Or was it just a friend thing? Did you meet him on a dating website?

If you did, then surely the fact that he asked you out on a date is enough to suggest that he isn't gay. In fact, that he brought up how people often mistake him for being gay due to his manner seems to imply that he is well aware of how he comes across but wanted you to know that he is definitely straight.

Also...a decoy mechanism for what? Do you think he might be trying to trick you into dating him by pretending not to be gay? Seriously...that is ludicrous.

Two of the most heterosexual men I know are two of the campest men that I know. It is just the way they are. Nobody can ever believe that they are straight, but they are. One of them is a recently married father of 3 kids and the other is a completely stereotypical beer drinking, football watching blokey bloke, he just happens to be very effeminate in appearance, voice and mannerisms. As both are grown men, I would trust in their ability to know their own minds and not doubt them just because of a few physical traits.

LegacyUser

yeah thats exactly what I mean by decoy! And yes I met him on a dating site etc.. i guess I am thinking "could be possibly be gay but in denial?" I have never met a guy who is straight and camp - metrosexual yes.. and effeminate yes but not camp.

MicraBoy

Camp and gay are not the same thing. I know plenty of straight guys who I think are camp as a row of tents. I also know plenty of gay guys who aren't remotely camp.

Anyway I don't see the relevance. If you aren't attracted to him for whatever reason then you should just say you are not interested. If he asks why, you can just say you are not attracted physically. It is perfectly legitimate to do so after meeting in real life. You can go down the 'lets be friends route' if you want but I don't really see the point.

Frankly it's none of your business if he is a closet case or in denial, you've been on one date and aren't into him, you don't have to sort his life out for him.

LegacyUser

I said i do like him.. and i would be attracted to him as long as i knew for sure he is not gay! I would just hate to start something with him and then find out that he is gay or bi or something.. i want straight... there are enough other complications in relationships without one not being sure of their sexuality

Reflector

hey,
Well there are plenty of Masculine gay guys so why not effeminate straight guys. could be a great relationship. If you like him why not go on a few more dates. Check it out, sure after a month you'll probably know for sure.

shellyboo

ishegay? wrote: »

I said i do like him.. and i would be attracted to him as long as i knew for sure he is not gay! I would just hate to start something with him and then find out that he is gay or bi or something.. i want straight... there are enough other complications in relationships without one not being sure of their sexuality

Look, you clearly don't respect this man's ability to know his own sexual orientation at age 34. He asked you out on a date, from a dating website, and is aware enough of how he comes across to flag it to you. What more do you want? If you can't take him at his word, leave him alone. You're accusing him of not being sure of his sexuality based on nothing more than one date, one first impression -- I wouldn't want to date someone so narrow-minded, tbh, and I'm sure he's had enough of people questioning his sexuality (as he's told you people have) without someone who claims to "like" him doing it too.

MicraBoy

I can't see how you could contemplate a relationship if you suspect him of being gay. Its early days though so if you do like him, and campness is not an issue for you in a partner, then there is no harm having a few dates to see how it goes. You may well have a better idea after a few dates, and a good hard shag.

LegacyUser

thanks again for your replies. Yeah perhaps I have been a little narrow minded.. but I have also spoke to a few friends about it and they reckon he prob is gay - and one of them is gay himself. But i am gonna meet him again and see how it goes.. give him the benefit of doubt and make up my own mind. We are meeting tonight actually.

shellyboo

I know at least three guys who you'd swear blind were gay upon meeting them, but they are 100% straight... not bi, not closeted, straight. It's a shame that we as a society have such a negative perception of seemingly "gay" mannerisms; but if that's how you feel you can't really help it. I like my men "manly" too, don't get me wrong, I just get the feeling that this will become a dealbreaker for you -- if that's the case then you're better off leaving well alone. If you can't be ok with it now, you're unlikely to become ok with it.

Just try not to string him along!

Unique User Name

Hi OP. I would definiely say don't judge a book by its cover. I've also had my sexuality questioned constantly. This is despite the fact that I am actually quite manly and partake in what people would consider to be quintessentially mens men sports such as boxing and rugby. It genuinely used to pi** me off until I realised it wasn't my issue it was the people that passed judgement.

I was actually on a date recently and the girl said that I must be gay because I was too well groomed and good looking to be straight. At first I thought she was joking but when I realised she wasn't I knew that it wouldn't work out. Anybody who is going to pre judge me like that is not worth my time. I would suspect that's how your guy would be feeling.

LegacyUser

Unique User Name wrote: »

Hi OP. I would definiely say don't judge a book by its cover. I've also had my sexuality questioned constantly.

hi, well i don't know why people have questioned your sexuality but believe me i could not help but wonder whether or not this guy is straight.. he ticks all the boxes other than the fact that he is looking for a girl friend.

No one has at all considered the possibility that he is in denial or afraid to come out of the closet.. it is a possibility.. and i am not being judgmental.. its just so apparent..

we will see

Unique User Name

Hi again OP. It could be a possibility that he is in fact gayand is in denial but then couldn't it be with any guy? I mean he's 34 years old. Surely if he was gay he wouldn't be wasting his time going out with a girl. Did he look like he was attracted to you or did he check out the waitress Shouldn't you just decide whether you like him and are attracted to him or not. Maybe you don't like his mannerisms and if not then that's fair enough you don't have to go out with him again.

LegacyUser

ok so we met up - he reckons he is not gay - quite the contrary.. though he did go through a bit of a misogynistic phase - lasted a few years where he just let with any woman who came his way (pardon the pun).. but that was after he had had his heart broken.

Chinafoot

ishegay? wrote: »

ok so we met up - he reckons he is not gay - quite the contrary.. though he did go through a bit of a misogynistic phase - lasted a few years where he just let with any woman who came his way (pardon the pun).. but that was after he had had his heart broken.

Are you suggesting the "misogynistic phase" is more evidence of him being gay? I'm unsure as to why you're making that point.

He's told you he's not gay, repeatedly at this stage. EDIT: Also the way you even phrase it "he reckons he's not gay". I'm sorry but who exactly do you think you are to assume you know this person better than he does? Do you not see how offensive that is?

Either accept him for what he is and quit the amateur psychology, or else move on.

LegacyUser

for the record - i do believe him when he says he is not gay. I was just wondering because there was so many reasons to believe he could be. And I know 2 guys who were apparently straight and one of them use to sleep with as many women as he possibly could.. but in the heel of the reel he came out at the age of 34. I came on here for opinions - I have taken them on board - but there is no reason for the abruptness - i do not think I am being disrespectful - I have not judged him and dismissed him - I was just wondering because as I have explained - so many things let me to wonder.. thats all...

Kimia

This is such a weird thread! Op why are you constantly questioning him? Either give it a chance or don't - although i don't know how much longer it'll last if you keep badgering him about his sexuality. Very strange

shellyboo

ishegay? wrote: »

No one has at all considered the possibility that he is in denial or afraid to come out of the closet.. it is a possibility.. and i am not being judgmental.. its just so apparent..

we will see

It is a possibility for EVERY man you meet; not just this one, OP. Your attitude is going to drive him away fairly sharpish if you're not careful. Stop second guessing him - who are you to say you know his sexuality better than him?

Beruthiel

ishegay? wrote: »

But, i am surprised no one has mentioned the fact that he brought it up about people mistaking him for being gay

Perhaps it has been pointed out to him so much at this stage that he has come to accept the fact that he may come across as gay.
If that is the case, then he probably mentioned it to you in order to assure you he is not.
ie - he wants you to give him a chance.

Miss Fluff

There is a very very broad spectrum when it comes to camp/butch and I think metrosexuality is pretty commonplace tbh.

I had a brief (and extremely hot) relationship last year with a guy who loved really masculine sports and yet enjoyed nothing more than baking and had so many products (girly type lotions and potions) in his bathroom that it made my eyes water. The sex was seriously hot but I just found that his overt femininity in some respects grated on my nerves. I didn't think he was gay. Way too much motion in the ocean for that , merely put it down to him growing up in a houseful of doting older sisters.

Anyway, I dumped him unceremoniously because I couldn't come to terms with his campness and still feel a bit bad about the way I treated him. He now has a GF and they are really happily pregnant, and I'm pleased for him.

If you think you actually have the potential to really like this guy, then don't let his campness stand in the way. I'm sure if he's in to you he will more than prove his heterosexuality between the sheets. Equating camp and gay is adding 2 and 2 and reaching 159 imho.

ishegay? wrote: »

ok so we met up - he reckons he is not gay - quite the contrary.. though he did go through a bit of a misogynistic phase - lasted a few years where he just let with any woman who came his way (pardon the pun).. but that was after he had had his heart broken.

And as an aside, I'd be surprised if he asks you out again seeing as you are doing the Inquisition on a relative stranger about their sexual preferences!!:eek:

LegacyUser

thanks... i only brought it up because he did.. i would not have mentioned it otherwise i do not think... and as it turns out we are meeting tonight..

Miss Fluff

ishegay? wrote: »

thanks... i only brought it up because he did.. i would not have mentioned it otherwise i do not think... and as it turns out we are meeting tonight..

OK, well no need to really mention it again to him, seems like the subject has been well and truly covered between the two of you. And he sounds keen so good luck

LegacyUser

ok we have been meeting up and we have been getting it on etc.. all good in that dept.
However, we were out last nite with his best mate - who is gay..

He tells me his mate sometimes stays over in his place after a nite out and that they sleep in the same bed??

And i do fancy him and there is chemistry but WTF? I do not know many straight guys who would be happy to share a bed with a gay friend.. ??

Kimia

How do you know his best mate is gay? Is it the same way you thought this guy was gay??

My head hurts from this thread!!:eek:

LegacyUser

For the love of God just end it!
You know the guy barely 10mins and you're constantly questioning him putting him on the defensive. Gay or straight I don't think anyone deserves the constant questioning. DOUBT usually signals DON'T. End this now, for his sake and for yours.

Chinafoot

ishegay? wrote: »

ok we have been meeting up and we have been getting it on etc.. all good in that dept.
However, we were out last nite with his best mate - who is gay..

He tells me his mate sometimes stays over in his place after a nite out and that they sleep in the same bed??

And i do fancy him and there is chemistry but WTF? I do not know many straight guys who would be happy to share a bed with a gay friend.. ??

For the love of god.

Would you stay in the same bed as a friend of yours, either gender? I'm sure you would because nothing is going to happen because you are friends. This guy is straight so what is the big deal in sharing a bed with his friend who is gay? Sounds like he's not in anyway homophobic and doesn't have the pathetic, immature hang-ups that some other blokes have. "Oh no, can't share a bed with a gay man, that would make me gay!" Get a grip ffs.

From the sounds of it, I doubt you know many guys who have gay friends at all never mind gay friends they would share a bed with. You are coming across as so narrowminded it's frightening. I agree with the above poster. End this now because there is no point in continuing when you are focusing so much on his sexuality.

Miss Fluff

Chinafoot wrote: »

End this now because there is no point in continuing when you are focusing so much on his sexuality.

+1. I think this is always going to be an issue for you OP so I really think you should just finish it now.

TheDieHardFan1

During our conversation he mentioned how some guys have mistaken him for being gay.. but I did not draw attention to it. We left with just a peck on our cheeks but he rang me today saying he would like to see me again during the week.

This is the REAL reason.

It's not that he is effeminate, has a high pitched voice or mannerisms.

Lots of men seem wussy but are really ladykillers (Warren Beatty was pretty boy, a bit of a wuss but he had sex with 3 women at day for 30 years while he was King of Hollywood.)

The truth is this guy wanted you to feel sorry for him. He pleaded with you to have pity on him.

He is needy and insecure.

He was too shy to kiss you.

You wanted a passionate man who could sweep you off your feet, rip your clothes off and f*ck your brains out.

He has no balls.

LegacyUser

i was soo wrong - he is soo not gay.. we have had a few dates since I mailed last and there will be more.. every day is a school day I guess..

LOL @ this thread. Ever watch The IT Crowd OP?


You don't look like a man by any chance? :pac:

Miss Fluff

ishegay? wrote: »

i was soo wrong - he is soo not gay.. we have had a few dates since I mailed last and there will be more.. every day is a school day I guess..

I'd love to be convinced that that's the end of this issue for you :rolleyes:

LegacyUser

ishegay? wrote: »

i was soo wrong - he is soo not gay.. we have had a few dates since I mailed last and there will be more.. every day is a school day I guess..

Well, there you go, presumably he's either straight or bisexual and you're sorted, so go enjoy the relationship and forget about this thread

ManOfMystery

ishegay? wrote: »

i was soo wrong - he is soo not gay.. we have had a few dates since I mailed last and there will be more.. every day is a school day I guess..

I'm glad it's working out for you

However I'd love to be a fly on the wall in a few years time when the "I thought you were gay when we met...." conversation comes up! :eek::pac:

zxcvbnm1

Chinafoot wrote: »

For the love of god.

Would you stay in the same bed as a friend of yours, either gender? I'm sure you would because nothing is going to happen because you are friends. This guy is straight so what is the big deal in sharing a bed with his friend who is gay? Sounds like he's not in anyway homophobic and doesn't have the pathetic, immature hang-ups that some other blokes have. "Oh no, can't share a bed with a gay man, that would make me gay!" Get a grip ffs.

From the sounds of it, I doubt you know many guys who have gay friends at all never mind gay friends they would share a bed with. You are coming across as so narrowminded it's frightening. I agree with the above poster. End this now because there is no point in continuing when you are focusing so much on his sexuality.

Ah come on - you're saying you don't think it's unusual for a really camp guy to share his bed with his gay friend?
You've gotta try living in the real world for a while.

the reality is it is VERY rare for 2 guy friends to share a bed.
And even more rare when one is gay and one is straight.

That's teh reality.

For you to claim otherwise is nonsense.

Southsider1

I have a great friend, he's a hairdresser and as camp as they come. All the men in town laugh at him as being gay.... He's shagged several of their wives who are his clients! He who laughs last....:D...Oh, and he ain't gay by the way!

rediguana25

anon_123 wrote: »

Well, there you go, presumably he's either straight or bisexual and you're sorted, so go enjoy the relationship and forget about this thread

LOL:D sorry but i had to laugh..this thread is like a comedy!! Sorry OP...but just when you think you're sorted anon_123 puts a spanner in the works and mentions the Bi word...:D

BTW myself and my ex of 9 yrs are really good friends with someone who is gay....if we were at the end of the night after drinks etc they wudn't think twice about sleeping in the same bed and by sleeping i mean passing out (i'm still friends with the ex btw so has actually happened) Just because they are 2 men doesn't mean my ex suddenly becomes gay and gets it on with our friend...

OP...enjoy what you have for now if you're sure you want to be with him..but if you're unsure at this stage don't drag it out - finish it.

Denimgirl

at the end of the day your not attracted to him because of the way he acts as nice as he may seem so just don't see him again you'd be wasting yours and his time.