Bulimia - can you recover?

LegacyUser

I'm sitting here having eaten a healthy dinner I went to great efforts to cook despite a long day at work. Following dinner I had two biscuits with a cuppa. Then the guilt hit, I had 5 more biscuits and a huge bowl of cereal. I'll throw it up when I'm done typing this.

I've been bulimic for the past year. Within months I knew it was a problem, and got counselling. I tried three different counsellors, and settled briefly with the last. Things improved briefly, but more because I felt the pressure to MAKE it work financially, so I made myself cut back, so that it'd seem worth it. But it stopped there, and within a couple more sessions I realised I really didn't like my counsellor. Despite forking out €90 a session, it was as if she couldn't remember the things I'd told her before.

In my sixth session, despite discussing it in detail every time, she actually said 'But you mainly just binge, not purge, right?' She also suggested that bulimia was nothing in comparison to anorexia. Maybe it's not, but that's surely not the point?

So several hundred euro later, I'm pretty much back where I was. I don't know what to do anymore. I'm genuinely happy with every other aspect of my life. But I can't deal with my weight. I'm not overweight, technically. I have a healthy BMI, but I have my lumpy areas.

I know some people will suggest going back to counselling, but I can't afford it. I know some people will suggest bodywhys, but I've found them very unhelpful for me, personally. I know some people might suggest exercise as a way to feel better about myself - but I do exercise. I had to stop running as I was having problems with my joints, but I walk several hours every day. I also use an exercise bike 4-5 times a week, for long periods of time. I don't have an unhealthy diet 90% of the time. But when I slip, I get so upset, so I binge and purge.

I don't mean to sound so negative, and reject any helpful suggestions people might have made - I'm just at the end of my rope. I'm scared I'll never get better. I sought help early, within months of this starting. I thought that would nip it in the bud, I thought it would be easy, but it's not.

Not only can I not afford to get help, but I honestly don't think anyone can help me. And I can't seem to help myself. And I'm tired. And worried about my health. It's become a daily thing again and I just don't know what to do.

I'm not expecting much, I just needed to vent. Thanks.

Kevster

I wasn't actually going to suggest going back to a counsellor, but i know that others here will start throwing this-and-that eating disorder agency's web-address/phone number at you. For me, none of that worked at all for my eating disorder.

I have been bulimic for 5 years now, and i'm a 27 year old male. Currently, I am doing 'it' around twice per week, and this is it under control for me, believe it or not. If you feel that this is dragging your life down and that it's 'unbeatable', then try to laern to live with it as best as you can. I fought hard against mine and even had therapy, but I couldn't shake it off. So, I decided that I was no longer going to fight it. If you can't beat them, join them - right?

So, at the moent, I kno exactly when my next binge will be - i.e. I plan them ahead and factor them into my schedule. This allows me to get on with the rest of my life in between.

Good luck and take care,
Kevin

LegacyUser

That wouldn't work for me, and I wouldn't want it to. For starters, living with this at the moment means it's an everyday battle. Every day one small food choice can be the tipping point. If I feel I've met my calorie needs (not surpassed them, just met them) then I want to throw up. Forcing yourself to throw up AT ALL, is detrimental to your health, but doing it on a daily basis?

The sore throats, the headaches, the nausea, the stomach cramps, the burst blood vessels in my face, the dizziness. You've accepted this as a part of your everyday/weekly life? Not to mention the long term damage you're doing to your oesophagus, your teeth, your throat?

And planning my binges wouldn't work...it's not an active choice for me, it's something that happens - usually at the most inconvenient times.

I know your intentions are good, but I can't ever accept this as my life. I don't want this to be my life. I don't know how or why or when things will change, but I hope I never lose the will to get past this. My life is meant to be dedicated to health - there's no way I can actively choose to do this, even for the time being.

The fact that I want change might mean sweet FA, I may still be in the same position two years from now - but I'll still never accept this as my life.

Bottle_of_Smoke

If you hadn't eaten after feeling guilty would you still plan to purge?

If you wouldn't have I guess the physical aspects could be solved by dealing with why you overeat. Maybe even hypnosis or a selfhelp book could hepl with that. Thinking Alan Carr's easyweigh as that book deals specifically with why people overeat.

Do you think its rational to purge? (no loading of the question here, I'm just trying to establish if you believe the purging will stop you from becoming overweight, or if you basically have a kind of addiction to the purging)

LegacyUser

In this particular case, if I hadn't continued to eat, then no, I wouldn't have purged. That's because I was aware that I'd eaten very well earlier in the day and had a ton of exercise. On other occasions though, I would have simply thrown up the dinner and biscuits. Unfortunately I don't think dealing with overeating is the main issue.

I only began overeating after a pattern of purging had been established. I felt guilty having eaten lesser amounts, so decided to throw up. As it continued I realised that if I was going to throw up, I might as well continue to eat more. Now it doesn't usually feel like a choice, I HAVE to eat.

Whether I think purging is rational? Yes and no. I know that it gets rid of calories, and therefore stops me gaining weight. In that way I think it's rational, in a sense. But some days I do...enjoy purging. 'enjoy' isn't the right word, but I don't know how to explain it. It's a relief - the feeling of empty. It calms me.

I feel like I'm probably contradicting myself all over the place here, so my apologies - it's very hard to describe my emotions surrounding this issue, they're all very muddled up.

mollymascara

Desperate_1 wrote: »

I'm sitting here having eaten a healthy dinner I went to great efforts to cook despite a long day at work. Following dinner I had two biscuits with a cuppa. Then the guilt hit, I had 5 more biscuits and a huge bowl of cereal. I'll throw it up when I'm done typing this.

I've been bulimic for the past year. Within months I knew it was a problem, and got counselling. I tried three different counsellors, and settled briefly with the last. Things improved briefly, but more because I felt the pressure to MAKE it work financially, so I made myself cut back, so that it'd seem worth it. But it stopped there, and within a couple more sessions I realised I really didn't like my counsellor. Despite forking out €90 a session, it was as if she couldn't remember the things I'd told her before.

In my sixth session, despite discussing it in detail every time, she actually said 'But you mainly just binge, not purge, right?' She also suggested that bulimia was nothing in comparison to anorexia. Maybe it's not, but that's surely not the point?

So several hundred euro later, I'm pretty much back where I was. I don't know what to do anymore. I'm genuinely happy with every other aspect of my life. But I can't deal with my weight. I'm not overweight, technically. I have a healthy BMI, but I have my lumpy areas.

I know some people will suggest going back to counselling, but I can't afford it. I know some people will suggest bodywhys, but I've found them very unhelpful for me, personally. I know some people might suggest exercise as a way to feel better about myself - but I do exercise. I had to stop running as I was having problems with my joints, but I walk several hours every day. I also use an exercise bike 4-5 times a week, for long periods of time. I don't have an unhealthy diet 90% of the time. But when I slip, I get so upset, so I binge and purge.

I don't mean to sound so negative, and reject any helpful suggestions people might have made - I'm just at the end of my rope. I'm scared I'll never get better. I sought help early, within months of this starting. I thought that would nip it in the bud, I thought it would be easy, but it's not.

Not only can I not afford to get help, but I honestly don't think anyone can help me. And I can't seem to help myself. And I'm tired. And worried about my health. It's become a daily thing again and I just don't know what to do.

I'm not expecting much, I just needed to vent. Thanks.

Firstly, I would like to say that I think its a good thing that you are not seeing that particular counsellor anymore, a) you were being robbed, and b) for them to say/ pass comment on 'bulemia is nothing compared to anoexia - this is just stupid, perhaps on the outside physically there is a difference, but both come with their health hazards, IMO if that were me, I would feel that my feelings were being belittled slightly, so and way to go (the counsellor) on helping you with your self esteem!!!

What I will say to you is that I really admire your courage and determination in wanting to beat this, and from personal experience, you can beat it! It is difficult but very possible IMO.

I am unable to send you a private message, but if you wish to send one to me, maybe forward an email address or something and I can talk to you more openly, reading the things you have posted brings a lot of memories to me, very similar situation, but Im four years 'recovering' so give me a bell if you wish

Bottle_of_Smoke

desperate_1 wrote: »

In this particular case, if I hadn't continued to eat, then no, I wouldn't have purged. That's because I was aware that I'd eaten very well earlier in the day and had a ton of exercise. On other occasions though, I would have simply thrown up the dinner and biscuits. Unfortunately I don't think dealing with overeating is the main issue.

I only began overeating after a pattern of purging had been established. I felt guilty having eaten lesser amounts, so decided to throw up. As it continued I realised that if I was going to throw up, I might as well continue to eat more. Now it doesn't usually feel like a choice, I HAVE to eat.

Whether I think purging is rational? Yes and no. I know that it gets rid of calories, and therefore stops me gaining weight. In that way I think it's rational, in a sense. But some days I do...enjoy purging. 'enjoy' isn't the right word, but I don't know how to explain it. It's a relief - the feeling of empty. It calms me.

I feel like I'm probably contradicting myself all over the place here, so my apologies - it's very hard to describe my emotions surrounding this issue, they're all very muddled up.

Thing is purging doesn't help. You'll absorb the nutrients that digest quickly(which are the ones most likely to be stored as fat) and vomit the ones that digest slowly(likely to be used for energy rather than fat storage)

If it leads to you not consuming enough calories you have more problems. You'll lose lean tissue as well as fat. The problem with this is that lean tissure burns up more calories than fat. So even if you're losing weight your tissue profile is shifting toward a higher amount of fat and lower amount of lean tissue. No matter how many calories you purge you won't look good unless you develop lean tissue

Therefore its no surprise bulemics are generally never in shape.

I agree your previous counsellor sounded rubbish. I've studied anorexia nervosa and bulemia and I find it shocking she would say that to a bulemic. Its meaningless. In the short term I'd argue bullemia is far more destructive to the individual.

Would you consider seeing a dietition? I think having someone explain the science behind this might really help. They could also help you with a sensible diet you could rely on.

LegacyUser

I'm no expert at all but it sounds to me like you have a mix of anorexia and bulimia. Apparently there can often be mixes between the two? If you had a problem with eating before all the bingeing and purging started there's a problem that existed prior to bulimia

LegacyUser

op nobody can give you the magic formula. Bulimia is possible to beat. Simple as. But it takes work and dedication. Read read read. Inform yourself on the personal stories of sufferers who conquered. Take their advice. Alter their methods to suit yourself. AND most importantly dont give up. If you get it into some kind of stride keep it going dont lapse back into old habits "the once off " Is never that. Finally educate yourself on the different opinions on the origins of an eating disorder. There are so many schools of thought that it can become confusing. But at the end of the day its a coping mechanism and thought process. It consumes you with fear and guilt. Is that any way to live?

-p.s please dont take the "if you cant beat them join them post" to heart. Im really quite shocked that kind of advice is allowed here. Its similar to telling a drug addict to plan their next high or an alcoholic to plan their next bender.

LegacyUser

Youre not gonna like this OP but I think you should return to counselling. Not in any hope that a counsellor can figure out your problems and tell you how to beat this though. That, Im afraid, is your job. Go back to counselling just to have somebody who you can talk to about this. That in itself will help loads, trust me. You dont have to fork out 90quid per session either. There are a lot of psychotherapists who operate on a sliding scale, you'll just have to call and ask. Some will only knock a 10 off the price while others are really good and go out of their way to give you a good price. And there are organisations that'll only take what you can afford:

http://www.dctc.ie/

and also

http://www.villagecounselling.com/

So if you can only afford 10 quid they'll only charge you 10 quid. Cant get any better than that.


But like I said, this is your ship and you gotta steer it yourself. The counselling will help insofar as having a non-judgemental person to listen to you, thats massive. But you have to calls the shots, no point in turning up every week and expecting somebody to tell you what you should do, thats not gonna work, you'll get nowhere in a hurry.

I agree with you on the bodywhys thing, personally I dont think theyre great at all.
From what youve written it sounds as though youre being a perfectionist with the food. You have a slip and then thats it, all bets are off. What happens here is that you have a biscuit or whatever and then you tell yourself that this is a disaster, you beat yourself up for breaking, being weak etc and the resulting negative feelings are overwhelming so you eat to comfort/distract yourself from these feelings. Only works temporairly though, as before long youre filled with remorse and them puke it all back up in an attempt to undo the damage.
You can get out of this, you can beat it so the thats the first thing you need to keep telling yourself. If you tell yourself you cant then you wont. I know thats an old chestnut and all that but its true. Never give up and I promise you'll get your reward. I did it and if I can you can, anybody can. I just never lay down and let it beat me. And when im talking about not giving up Im not talking about trying to control more, im talking about educating yourself, developing your self awareness to the point where you understand why you binge and purge. Developing skills to cope with negative feelings and ultimately being brave enough to let go and not try to control so much.

This book will help loads:

http://www.amazon.co.uk/Overcoming-Bulimia-Workbook-Step-Step/dp/1572243260/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1273313938&sr=1-1

Hope thats of some help to you.

dontbemean

Three years ago, i used to make myself sick 3 or 4 times a day. it was just awful and i couldn't see any way out of the pattern. i was only 22 but my teeth were beginning to rot. i feel for you OP. i can't give advice as it's a case of finding your own individual way out of the disorder, but what worked for me was starting a course of antidepressants (SSRIs) for depression/anxiety. Obviously bulimia and depression often go hand in hand and each problem will contribute to the vicious circle. So often taking care of one problem will help with recovering from another.

A lot of people will recommend counselling - this didn't work personally for me. I found getting the help of a doctor much more helpful. I know people have their own thoughts/experiences with the medication issue, but for me antidepressants saved my skin. I don't know where I'd be without the drugs. I can actually get out of bed and live my life - doesn't seem like a huge compromise from where I'm standing.

The way taking SSRIs helped the bulimia was that throwing up was no longer an option if I truly wanted to get better i.e. recover from depression. Throwing up a meal meant the possibility of throwing up a pill. I just didn't have that kind of money, or time, to waste.

Two years since starting the antidepressant (Lexapro, 10mgs) I am a healthy weight (oddly lighter than when i was bulimic) and haven't made myself sick for about 1.5 years. In the first six months after starting the pills I experienced perhaps two relapses, but quickly saw that I couldn't keep this up. Also, the effects from the pills made me see what a life without crushing despair and anxiety and constantly weighing myself/throwing up could be like. I wouldn't go back to how it was for a trillion quid.

I just wanted to write to let you know that there IS a way out of the pattern - it doesn't have to be this way.

xx