hate and revenge

LegacyUser

Just a bit of a background.. a year ago I was trying to start a new life in dublin. My dad basically started a row over nothing, called me every name under the sun and criticised every decision I ever made.. and the move to dublin ended up with me just changing my phone number and staying in a room in Dublin depressed. a month later, i booked a holiday and asked my cousin to come along, just to try to rebuild things a bit. my brother invited himself along and made every second a misery. when i came home i lost contact with a lot of people while my brother went around telling everyone his convoluted version of events.

My sisters wedding was coming up and I held things together and even spent time in the same room as him .. we even took part in the same convos even though we didn't speak directly to each other. But after the wedding I just cut ties and I haven't spoken to him in a year and I rarely speak to my dad although we are on better terms.

For the past 3 years my brother has been claiming unemployment benefit in one form or another.
He was always doing pretty well with cash in hand work (around €400-500 a week + €200 dole). Then the work dried up and later he signed on the free dole.
He lives with his girlfriend. She pays for their flat and holidays. And he gets €200 a week because he didn't tell the dole office that the person he is living with is his girlfriend.

But after a year of trying to avoid places he might be, especially out at the parents house, I just can't do it any more. Yesterday I was ready at 12.30 to go out to my mam's house for dinner and she phoned me to say "oh, your brother is here." He's literally like a cancer in my life.

So I just thought.. he has all this free time and free money.. I just wished he wasn't enjoying life so much. I wish he couldn't afford to go drinking in pubs in town then staying over at my parents, and he couldn't afford to run a car just to go on silly little spins that make his life so nice. So out of hate and jealousy I went onto the report social welfare fraud website and squealed on him for not declaring his means.

I regretted it instantly and I told my mam who was unbelievably upset. he wants to go to college and she thinks that it will wreck his chances because you need to be claiming the dole for a year to get all the grants and benefits going. And I'm annoyed too, because my brother is fairly evil in a way (must run in the family).. he would do anything for revenge. I just hate him so much though.. I know I need some sort of counselling or something. I want to cut him out of my life but as I said before.. he's a cancer. I don't think I can do it without cutting my family out too and I think it might come to that.

Yesterday my brother's girlfriend said to my mam "see you tomorrow" and mam said "actually (i'm) coming out for dinner today" and she just said "ok"... my mam phoned me there and I just said, no.. i'm tired.. i don't want to go out. it's such a mess. I'm not sure what to do. i'm thinking of just going abroad and trying to start a new life but i'm not sure how i would cope entirely on my own.. especially in my present mindset. but i have no quality of life here and i've too many bad memories. thankfully I'm not feeling suicidal but instead I feel I just got used to thinks being like this..

Overheal

Well first off I wouldn't be hard on yourself for reporting your brother. If he's maliciously causing you ruin and exploiting the Dole system is says a lot about his sense of Ethics and Morals. Frankly, those kind of people have it coming to them. The hardest lesson of being a dick is learning that someday its going to ram you in the ass.

I feel I should ask though, what was the row that caused your Father and Brother to start this feud with you?

LegacyUser

there was no row.
my dad is a control freak. i was watching tv and he started saying my neck looked stiff. I said it was ok. he said i should see a doctor. i said i was fine. then he said i didnt reply to a text he sent me the week before. i just said "my volume was off because i was at a gig..." he just kept at me, then started slagging off the job i had, and throwing anything that went wrong since i left college. bearing in mind this was on the day i was moving out, and the day before i was starting a new job. pure jealousy on his part really.

He was always a bully and my brother learned from the best.

abroad, my brother was slagging off the whole time. i just got my new job and was on a tight budget, so he started saying i was cheap (e.g. because i was drinking local beer instead of paying €4 for a bottle of bulmers in the supermarket), then he zoned in on me tapping my foot .. which i do when i'm feeling a bit stressed (of course i was stressed).. all his conversations were focussed on how brilliant he is at playing people and using people, and after a few drinks he was unbearable.

i'm not exaggerating how disgusting he is. the problem is, he is really, really good at playing people. he has no conscience at all. he only cares about himself. he's basically a damaged individual, because when i jumped through hoops for my dad (when i was younger) he learned to play up and he'd make my mam cover up for him because she was afraid of my dad.

these are deep-seated problems for me..... and everything would be so much easier for me if my brother just disappeared.

MagicSean

From the sounds of it it's your brother that needs the counselling. He obviously has some issues with you. I wouldn't be too hard on yourself for reporting him either. He probably would have done the same to you. It doesn't sound like you have much of a life away from your family. Maybe you should focus on making friends in Dublin and let the family stuff cool off for a while.

Overheal

Well I wouldnt make him disappear or anything..

But, it sounds like you have a potential load of dirt on him. Perhaps you should send all those chicken home to roost for him. The things he's gloated about; the people he's cheated - tell em'. Tell everyone. No lies, just the plain truths.

Denimgirl

questions1 wrote: »

Just a bit of a background.. a year ago I was trying to start a new life in dublin. My dad basically started a row over nothing, called me every name under the sun and criticised every decision I ever made.. and the move to dublin ended up with me just changing my phone number and staying in a room in Dublin depressed. a month later, i booked a holiday and asked my cousin to come along, just to try to rebuild things a bit. my brother invited himself along and made every second a misery. when i came home i lost contact with a lot of people while my brother went around telling everyone his convoluted version of events.

My sisters wedding was coming up and I held things together and even spent time in the same room as him .. we even took part in the same convos even though we didn't speak directly to each other. But after the wedding I just cut ties and I haven't spoken to him in a year and I rarely speak to my dad although we are on better terms.

For the past 3 years my brother has been claiming unemployment benefit in one form or another.
He was always doing pretty well with cash in hand work (around €400-500 a week + €200 dole). Then the work dried up and later he signed on the free dole.
He lives with his girlfriend. She pays for their flat and holidays. And he gets €200 a week because he didn't tell the dole office that the person he is living with is his girlfriend.

But after a year of trying to avoid places he might be, especially out at the parents house, I just can't do it any more. Yesterday I was ready at 12.30 to go out to my mam's house for dinner and she phoned me to say "oh, your brother is here." He's literally like a cancer in my life.

So I just thought.. he has all this free time and free money.. I just wished he wasn't enjoying life so much. I wish he couldn't afford to go drinking in pubs in town then staying over at my parents, and he couldn't afford to run a car just to go on silly little spins that make his life so nice. So out of hate and jealousy I went onto the report social welfare fraud website and squealed on him for not declaring his means.

I regretted it instantly and I told my mam who was unbelievably upset. he wants to go to college and she thinks that it will wreck his chances because you need to be claiming the dole for a year to get all the grants and benefits going. And I'm annoyed too, because my brother is fairly evil in a way (must run in the family).. he would do anything for revenge. I just hate him so much though.. I know I need some sort of counselling or something. I want to cut him out of my life but as I said before.. he's a cancer. I don't think I can do it without cutting my family out too and I think it might come to that.

Yesterday my brother's girlfriend said to my mam "see you tomorrow" and mam said "actually (i'm) coming out for dinner today" and she just said "ok"... my mam phoned me there and I just said, no.. i'm tired.. i don't want to go out. it's such a mess. I'm not sure what to do. i'm thinking of just going abroad and trying to start a new life but i'm not sure how i would cope entirely on my own.. especially in my present mindset. but i have no quality of life here and i've too many bad memories. thankfully I'm not feeling suicidal but instead I feel I just got used to thinks being like this..

The fact that you regretted it instantly after reporting him shows your not full of hate your full of anger of what your brother is like and actually youmust have a flicker of feelings for him.hating is not good for your soul,the reason you don't like himis because of his darkside so why are you behaveing like him?I think you should take a deep breath and start to think rationally.tell parents you just don;t like being in his company he rubs you up the wrong way and brings the worst out in you and you don;t want to be that kind of person.I hope in time the 2 of you will renew you relationship.life is very short don't live on regrets!!

profitius

You were wrong to report him. He's still family even though you don't like him. Anyway thats done now so no point dwelling on it.


The current situation you're in is nobodys fault but your own. Obviously your family has some issues and it seems so do you. For instance you're as childish in many ways as your brother.

Look at how I'd deal with it. If I was in that situation with somebody like your brother I would find him annoying too. The difference is I would just see him for what he is, somebody who has issues. I certainly wouldn't be getting upset with him or letting somebody like that drag my mood down.

So you have to start seeing your brother and father for what they are. Its nothing to get angry or stressed about. You have to rise above that sort of behavior and when you do it won't bother you anymore.

StillWaters

I agree, you really need to learn to stop letting these people dictate your life and moods. You and your dad had a silly fight, and you end up changing your number and 'living in a room depressed'.

To be fair, your brother sounds irritating, but why not just restrict the amount of time you spend with him? I do think it was mean spirited to report him to Social Welfare, particularly when he is hoping to return to college and claim BTEA in order to improve his lot in life.

I think you need to broaden your horizons and your world a little in order to learn to be more tolerant of others, your suggestion of travel is quite a good one.

L.Jenkins

I have had problems myself with an extremely close friend who I used to go out with this weekend. Now I've had problems with family myself, but hate and revenge are such powerful and destructive emotions. I've never let personal grievence ruin a relationship though, as much as someone has hurt me and pretty much deserved a good bóllicking for it and got it. I always sought to resolve any problems. Now I know it's much easier said than done for some, but would you not try and resolve any issues, before it becomes a little too much for anyone too resolve. At the end of the day, friends come and go, but family is always there whether they like it or not.