I hate how shy I am

LegacyUser

I've been very very shy all my life. And it really is getting me down. I'm almost 20 now, and in the last few years it has been bugging me a lot more.
I don't have a lot of confidence in myself, I have pretty low self esteem. I have been told numerous times that i'm pretty and that, but when I'm out with others I always dwell on my faults.
I''ve tried so many times to have the "don't care what anyone thinks" attitude, but it's so much easier said than done. I'm fine when I'm with friends, almost the opposite. I'm still not loud with them, but I'm comfortable with myself for the most part.
I find myself trying to get drunk in order to loosen up and be able to talk to people. I know this isnt the right way to go about it, but otherwise I sit there awkwardly (even when I'm with friensd).
I'm scared that people think i'm weird. In fact I know some people do. I've heard people calling me "weird shy girl". I'm also afraid that people mistake my being quiet for being rude.
I feel that my shyness and esteem issues are holding me back a lot. And no matter how much I try to just let go, I cant. My anxiety/stress has even led to me having problems physically. Nothing of major concern, it's like irritable bowel syndrome but in my oesophogus area. It's a horrible uncomfortable feeling which I get when I'm anxious (often when I'm going out somewhere/meeting new poeple etc), but I am working on it and it has somewhat reduced.
I have considered counselling. And I think it could possibly help. There is a free service at my college. But actually going there and doing it is the problem. I have made plans to do it many times before, yet when it comes to it I keep putting it off.
I'm just really sick of how I am. And I want to change.

Gannicus

Hi Shygirl. You've taken the first step by admitting you problem. (its a bit A.A. Cliché i know) What hobbies do you have. have you ever or do you currently play any sports. I was a very coy child myself and I started to get more confident and out there when I took up a sport(s).

LegacyUser

I'm not a sporty person, but I do go horseriding a few times a week and help out at a yard.

When I was younger I did try do the whole sports thing and youth groups and all that, but I still never really managed to fit in with the other people.

LegacyUser

Hi OP,

Im 20 and in college too and about a year ago i remember feeling the exact same way you do. Iv always been quite shy and I feel it held me back. So i resolved to change it. Iv spent the last year doing lots of things to try and help with it. Iv took up a few sports and hobbies. things i always wanted to do but for one reason or another never did. As Big Steve pointed out sports and interests are a great way of getting out of your comfort zone and you should try that.

You say that you have thought about counselling, well i went to the counselling in college for a few months recently and i have to say it has helped hugely. I know going for the first time is really scary but after that it becomes fine. Ring up and make an appointment tomorrow, you wont regret it. They will help you figure out the reasons behind your shyness, which i think is key.

Like you, im not really shy at all around friends, its only with people i don't know. I think its just a case of getting out of your comfort zone as much as possible. Try each day to do something your afraid of. For example i set myself the target of striking up a conversation with one stranger every day for a month! it sounds silly, but it really helped! At first it was just a few words with the guy in the dart station or a chat with the barman, but after a while i started talking to people in college and making friends! For me it snowballed and i gradually built up confidence around people. I cant say i still don't get shy sometimes but im definetely way more confident around people than i was this time last year!

So you definitely can change it and be less shy! Its just a case of Recognising it and resolving to change it by taking small steps.

jenny4385

shy girl
i could have posted that myself but never had the courage too....
i feel like i have to drink to come out of my shell when im around people..

inmyday

jenny4385 wrote: »

shy girl
i could have posted that myself but never had the courage too....
i feel like i have to drink to come out of my shell when im around people..

i think alot of people do, but wont admit it.

LegacyUser

Hi Op,
I was very quiet when I was younger, I used to think about everything before I said it because I was afraid how it would be perceived by others. I was a bit better with my friends but quiet enough in comparison with the rest of them! I am still shy in ways; I don't like being the centre of attention in a group of people but when it comes to talking I can pretty much chat away to anyone!!

I think that the only way you learn this is by practice!! Unreg 33's suggestion is good; (aiming to strike up a conversation with someone new, once a day)
Put yourself into situations where you are meeting new people, the more people you meet and talk to, the easier it will get!! To be honest sometimes talking to someone you've never met is easier than talking to someone you've known for a while (an aquaintance).

Ask questions -people always like to talk about themselves, don't worry about what you're saying because most people don't care! Some people u won't get on with, but don't blame yourself.

Lilly77

Its great that you're recognising this now, you're still very young and can nip this in the bud now. I recommend a book by Fiona Harrold, " Be your own life coach". Read it and underline parts that really stand out and apply to you and keep it so you can re read it when you need to. Truly confident people are very rare imo. So dont beat yourself up that you're the only one who feels like this. But you can take action to improve your life. Good luck.

neoB

I know your pain all too well . I've been shy since day one. My name has even the word shy in it! Eventually you just get fed up of not joining up in stuff, and get tired of being called stuck up and what not.
Take it a day at a time and try something different like a goal list. Thats what I did and I know it sounds silly. But I would say a greeting, then add on some other words later. And soon I was holding an actual conversation. Use some humour. Talk about something you're passionate about. That gets my mouth moving. Practice in a pub(hoping to escape reality too?), library(hey is that a good book?), store(Is that any good?) wherever. Yesterday I saw these guys with six dirt bikes, I had no clue who they were but they look like they were having fun. so I went over and said "hey, take me with you!" I'd never dream I would be speaking to random strangers and maybe thinking they thought I was strange. But you know, have fun with it! Eventually you'll come out of it. It took me 24 years ;P.

LegacyUser

(haha, the image verification was "there shyer" =P)

But anyway, thanks for all the advice! I am intent on trying talking more now, even if it is just something small. I know I shouldnt be worrying if people think i'm strange, when in reality people barely take notice.
It has been eating me up, and it really is something i need to get out of the way!

LegacyUser

First your not alone and you sound lovely

I'm 25 and everything you've said sounds so familiar,
My best advice is get help sooner and stop putting it off, There is lots of help out there a counceler or phycologist are your best option but also there are books and support groups. Theres a social anxiety group at the matter hospital its a night course for 12 weeks, its good because everyone there is in the same position. What I found from the course is it helps you identify things that you may not be aware of like negative thinking or avoiding social situations and then over time small things become harder and harder

JimmyCrackCorn

Iv only worked hard at breaking my social anxiety in the last 5 months or so. I was never good around strangers in particular the opposite sex.

The only way i found that helped was to well just approach people and strike up a short conversation get there name give them yours and go. Start with " i have to get back to my friends, can i ask you something quickly..." then short chat name and gone.

First night i did this a woman i just looked at leaving turned round and said "What are you looking at", It was the best thing she could have said after that i knew no matter what happened i wasn't going to get a harsher response and became more fearless than i ever thought possible.

I know it sounds strange but for me that's big progress for me any girlfriend i had i met through friends in small groups. The same goes for friends all my know each other. (if that makes sense)

This is going to sound strange but the only way to get confident in yourself is to meet your fears head on. Start small and get one step out of the way each time.

ogh and btw everyone is weird in some way. Thats what makes them interesting.

Best of luck

bedrock#1

I'm 28 and let my insecurity get to the stage where i couldn't function when out with people unless drunk or on drugs...

It built and built and ultimately ruined 2 relationships and cost me numerous jobs.

I have recently started counselling and hopefully i start to improve but you are on to a winner doing it now when you are only 20, i wish i had done it years ago. I feel i've wasted so much of my life (granted i'm only 28.... but your 20's are when this can have the worst effect on you)

well done and i wish you all the best, lifes too short to waste any of it!