How to figure out why you're not liked

LegacyUser

There was a thread recently where someone was talking about not being everybodys first choice, in terms of friends not inviting that person on social nights out etc. Always being excluded or the one people forget to call when theres a party or whatever.
This pretty much sums up me and my life. I know people suit themselves and can be selfish but there comes a time when I have to stop looking at others and start looking at myself. I always thought I was a good person, a good friend, I couldnt see the reasons why people just didnt seem too pushed about having me around. But I have been taking a look at myself and if im being honest Im starting to see a few things about my personality and the way I behave, that would be a little off putting. And as a result Ive been thinking back and remembering times when I would be offensive, ignorant, arrogant, rude, pushy, controlling.........and on and on. The thing is now Im wondering about parts of my personality that I cant see, my blindsides. I can see more than I could before but Im worried as to how much I dont see.
I guess my question is: Has anybody been through this kind of thing before, where you see things about yourself that arent so great and you try to change? What happened, where you able to change and as a result did people responded to you in a different way?

P.s. Im not talking about fundamentally changing who I am at my core, Im talking about changing behaviours that have developed for one reason or another.

gagiteebo

I'm going through a similiar experience...not in the way that people exclude me etc, they don't but I'm looking at myself and realising that in certain ways I'm not who I thought I was....we all have positive and negative aspects to our personality and it's hard to work on the negative aspects and to be honest I don't know where to start either. I don't want to change for others, for myself really...I don't want to be so moody or self-involved at times etc

Drumpot

This can work both ways . . I used to be the person everybody wanted to be around (still am to a degree), but I was doing more harm for myself by always trying to be that fun guy that everybody loved . .

As much as it is nice to have people wanting to be around you, you also need to keep parts of your own personality that you want (ie not change only for others)

Obviously the key is to find some sort of balance . . Dont beat yourself up... Accepting that you have unlikeable traits is a big part of rehabilitation. You will never get yourself perfect so dont set the bar too high . .

Work on the traits you know are annoying and eventually you will see a difference . . . You will feel better about yourself and people will want to be around you more . . If there are other traits, they will eventually get sorted (if you continue to work on yourself) . . Part of the process would be to speak to friends/family whom you trust and respect . . Tell them how you feel and what you think . .

Good luck . .

Denimgirl

Drumpot wrote: »

This can work both ways . . I used to be the person everybody wanted to be around (still am to a degree), but I was doing more harm for myself by always trying to be that fun guy that everybody loved . .

As much as it is nice to have people wanting to be around you, you also need to keep parts of your own personality that you want (ie not change only for others)

Obviously the key is to find some sort of balance . . Dont beat yourself up... Accepting that you have unlikeable traits is a big part of rehabilitation. You will never get yourself perfect so dont set the bar too high . .

Work on the traits you know are annoying and eventually you will see a difference . . . You will feel better about yourself and people will want to be around you more . . If there are other traits, they will eventually get sorted (if you continue to work on yourself) . . Part of the process would be to speak to friends/family whom you trust and respect . . Tell them how you feel and what you think . .

Good luck . .

Alot of times if a girl is pretty she won;t be asked out a lot by her friends because of being a threat and getting more attention girls are very cunning and calculating they won;t want a pretty girl in their company getting more attention then them.so don't be beating yourself up and thinking its you.fare enough if you think you have traits you think you should work on fine.just be a positive easy going person.

Kanoe

if your sense of self worth is based on what others think of you it won't take long to feel invalidated by others, and if that's the case you might like learning how to value yourself despite the stuff you don't like anyway

and remember that all those things "pushy, rude, controlling" etc..are transitory states, like emotions, they do not define "you".

pwd

Yeah self awareness is good.
I've changed things about myself after recognising things I didn't like, or realised were destructive. Behaviours and responses, rather than my core self, like you say. It's just maturing really - you can mature a lot more if you try to be self-aware.
New people respond to you in different ways.
People you already know will see you exactly the same, usually, no matter what.
New people won't really get it if you tell them that you used to be different, or not believe you or something.
It's true that first impressions last, I guess!

edit: I don't think you should change to make people like you though. Personally I think it's important to learn to be ok all by yourself. If you're ok by yourself you'll find relationships of every sort tend to go better.

Zillah

Unreg010510 wrote: »

I always thought I was a good person, a good friend

I can't count the times I've heard people say something like this when they're talking about why they don't really have any friends. Being good doesn't mean you're interesting - to be honest I think some of the most uninteresting people I know are very nice individuals. People want to spend time with those with opinions, interests, strong likes and dislikes. Stop worrying about being a good person, just be yourself and people that you match up with will naturally want to spend time with you.

Also, take a look at the people in question. Do you actually like them and enjoy their company or are they just the people who happen to be there and you feel like you should spend time with them? Maybe you're not suited for each other, they've noticed it and you haven't.

LC2010HIS

I always feel like the back up too
Totally get you
I always try my best with ALL aspects and regarding social life, people just pick and pick at me until they find a reason to hate on me and I dont know why ..not feeling sorry for myself, even though it looks like it, but I always try to see the positives in others and the majority of people I know, dont do the same for me.
I get how everyone else is first choice.

sashafierce

This post has been deleted.

Denimgirl

sashafierce wrote: »

This post has been deleted.

I'm the same, I'm always the first to make compliments and be there for my friends but it's rarely returned I'm actually coming to the point were I am reevaluating my friends and thinking about cutting them out altogether and find new ones as the ones I have apart from 1 are not as true and loyal as i thought they were,one imparticular seems to be take,take take and asking me for everything money shoulder to cry on yet when I'm in a situation she's never there and off with her other friend it's like i'm just someone to make her feel good when she's down then when she's strong i hardly hear from her.

LC2010HIS

Denimgirl wrote: »

I'm the same, I'm always the first to make compliments and be there for my friends but it's rarely returned I'm actually coming to the point were I am reevaluating my friends and thinking about cutting them out altogether and find new ones as the ones I have apart from 1 are not as true and loyal as i thought they were,one imparticular seems to be take,take take and asking me for everything money shoulder to cry on yet when I'm in a situation she's never there and off with her other friend it's like i'm just someone to make her feel good when she's down then when she's strong i hardly hear from her.

Im reevaluating too atm . Im wondering though, maybe their the problem. Im gonna be honest. I have 2 "close" friends coz no one else likes them and avoid me coz of them. They are immature and sneaky and horrible sometimes- my bday, we went to nclub (im young so,,,u stick with ur friends right? right. so the minute we went in ,i was abandoned. Lucky a girl i know from school was with me all night. But everytime i went over to them the had an excuse to run off. 20 times. On my bday and I followed them around. No im not attention seekin, but everytime its their occassion i make sure its their occassion. And thats a recent incident. Im always the one starting convos so the 2 of um talk to me. Im always ringing. Texting. I "tested" my theory. I didnt start a convo with them last week and they didnt utter ONE word to me, only kept talkin to eachothr.
Now, when one of them have been quiet i always ask "you ok?" subtly CAUSE I CARE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Not one word to me. They scurried off after class and made me feel like i did something wrong and it continued for a week. Just because i didnt talk first.

*wipes brow* Rant over lol
Thats the recent stuff. Wont get into the other stuff

I have to TELL THEM theres something wrong with me. They notice and dont care. Id go out with a guy - No "how did it go, tell me everything" - I tell them and press for reactions ....
I present my "close, best" friends ....:P

cafecolour

I've made adjustments multiple times over the years. I was a drunken clown in school & uni, which was fine but gets tiring and definitely doesn't age well.

I used to have a more of a mean/putting-people-down sense of humour. It was with friends who knew it was a joke - I've never been one to mock strangers - but even that got to the point where I decided it just wasn't pleasant, and aggressively worked to be nicer.

I've veered back and forth between being someone who shares too much with friends to being too emotionally closed off with everyone. I'm still trying to find that balance.

All and all though, it's good to have some sense of different people think of you, but if you worry too much about it, you'll never talk to anyone.

LC2010HIS

know exactly what you mean.
dunno how to describe it.
ever since i was a kid, ive felt bad for being myself. I was bullied in primary school. And up to junior cert. thing is, it was different people, but exact tactics.
It doesnt still have a huge impact on my life, but thats where it started.
this whole being a back up.

spurious

If other people don't 'like' you, the problem is theirs, not yours.

Drumpot

What the f**k is going on here ?

Ok . . Firstly, Im a guy, so I cant speak from "women" experience . .

However, I have a close group of friends who I would rely on for anything . . Money, support . . Anything . . Since I was 18 . . Nothing less and I gave nothing less. .

I am lucky, but NOBODY should feel in anyway that they have to change for others. . Real friends point out your faults, but they forgive them even if you continue. Real friends love you no matter what. They are an extension of your family . .

I have a couple of friends who only have me as their friend and I feel sorry for them because they are wonderful people. The amount of close friends you have is not a reflection of you, its just as easily a reflection of the people you are surrounded by. . Dont ever beat yourself up because you think you are not good enough . .

If you care enough to ask for advice, chances are you care more then the average person which makes you better then most . . Perhaps all you lack is a bit of confidence . . Seriously, its easy for me to say (I admit that), but you people deserve all the credit for even recognising that you dont like parts of your personality. . BUT that doesnt mean you are doing anything wrong . . Hey, I have sh*t loads of things well wrong with my personality but if people dont like it, thats their entitlement. . I have no problem with that . . You are who you are, thats just awesome . .

LC2010HIS

why do people make u feel its your fault?
everyone else cant be the problem...majority rules and all that

LegacyUser

Drumpot wrote: »

What the f**k is going on here ?

Ok . . Firstly, Im a guy, so I cant speak from "women" experience . .

However, I have a close group of friends who I would rely on for anything . . Money, support . . Anything . . Since I was 18 . . Nothing less and I gave nothing less. .

I am lucky, but NOBODY should feel in anyway that they have to change for others. . Real friends point out your faults, but they forgive them even if you continue. Real friends love you no matter what. They are an extension of your family . .

I have a couple of friends who only have me as their friend and I feel sorry for them because they are wonderful people. The amount of close friends you have is not a reflection of you, its just as easily a reflection of the people you are surrounded by. . Dont ever beat yourself up because you think you are not good enough . .

If you care enough to ask for advice, chances are you care more then the average person which makes you better then most . . Perhaps all you lack is a bit of confidence . . Seriously, its easy for me to say (I admit that), but you people deserve all the credit for even recognising that you dont like parts of your personality. . BUT that doesnt mean you are doing anything wrong . . Hey, I have sh*t loads of things well wrong with my personality but if people dont like it, thats their entitlement. . I have no problem with that . . You are who you are, thats just awesome . .

I agree with you one hundred percent.Everyone has faults and those who judge on others and act all mighty towards their friends are not friends at all.
If they were true friends the things that do put them off in nice way they should call you to attention on it.So you can realise you have said or done something that upset them.
But i agree with you post completely.

+1

LegacyUser

Hi,
OP here. Wow, some great responses. This is a difficult problem to understand and obviously Im not alone in how I feel. I understand the people saying you shouldnt change for anybody and in an ideal world this is true. But its not an ideal world and in reality if theres something that people dont like about you then they'll avoid you. Ive seen it at first hand. Its hard for me to see my own blind spots but I can see this situation playing itself out with other people. I see some people and they just repel others where ever they go with the way they behave and talk. And I can tell that these people dont see it, they dont see why others dont like their company. I dunno maybe some folks have been lucky and have grown up surrounded by people who love them no matter what. Thats not true for me and from some of the posts here, its not true for others aswell.
I would never get to a stage where Im trying to please others but at the same time I think you gotta be aware of the way you act around people, be aware of the things you say. I know recently Ive become aware of how I can be blunt with people, or judgemental and I can see how this would alienate others. I used to think I was a great guy, that people really liked me, but that didnt reflect reality. The hard truth that Ive had to face is that in general people dont like me. And im not saying they actively dislike me either, I know they dont. Im just not the guy people will miss If Im not around.
I saw this documentary about seve Ballesteros and in it Peter allis said something along the lines of: There are people in life you admire greatly but dont love, Seve isnt one of those people, seve is loved by everybody.
And I guess thats it in a nutshell. Personally I feel people respect me, but I dont feel that people love me.

legend365

If your too available, people will put little value on your time.

LC2010HIS

Ever since the start of 1st year, ive felt as if people just avoid me like they know something about me i dont. People just dont bother with me. Like, i reckon im approachable and friendly. The adults in my life think so but why dont people my age just accept me?? ...i cant talk to my friends cause their not my friends.
I put alot of effort into making friends and all i get is bitchiness and get ignored .... i dont know what im doing wrong.
I want it to change in college but i have a feeling its gonna be the same it gets me down alot and i dont feel like being strong and dismissing it anymore. Im fed up to my teeth of it being honest.

steelcityblues

Feel for the OP on this one. I'm 27 and have never been in a huge circle of people because I value more knowing a handful of people really well, rather than having dozens of 'friends' who I wouldn't 'know' in the psychological sense.
Unfortunately, about half of the small number of people who I seriously have been close to in life (not counting family), slowly but surely backstabbed me. Still have three people in particular who I can rely on though!
Think of it this way OP it is better to be something of a loner and have lived a life of purpose, rather than being Mr. popular and in reality, accomplished f*ck all. Hope you live or are living the former.

LegacyUser

Drumpot wrote: »

What the f**k is going on here ?

Ok . . Firstly, Im a guy, so I cant speak from "women" experience . .

I am lucky, but NOBODY should feel in anyway that they have to change for others. . Real friends point out your faults, but they forgive them even if you continue. Real friends love you no matter what. They are an extension of your family . .

Hey, I have sh*t loads of things well wrong with my personality but if people dont like it, thats their entitlement. . I have no problem with that . . You are who you are, thats just awesome . .

I am a woman and I completely disagree. Who you are and how you act impacts on other people. Not everyone is awesome - read these threads! Introspection and self reflection is not about changing for others - it is about improving yourself in a way that opens you up to new opportunities. Kind of like job training, you learn more, take more education to round out your strengths / abilities. And no I don't forgive my friends and continue on no matter what they do or what their faults are - why would I? To me that is true self entitlement to expect you can do whatever you want, treat people however want, act as toxic as you want and everyone is just supposed to love you and accept you no matter what.

OP - I think often that we go through things in life that kind of shape our personalities, traumatic events, rejection, abandonment, fears....all those things make us put up little defense mechanisms that our actions are filtered through. Those defenses may work great in situations where there is a valid fear but not so great in other situations.

And I think that strong friendships are not a list of do's or don'ts. Just being able to check off a list of good friend actions doesn't make you someone people want to be friends with. It is how you relate the the other person and how you do those kind, well intentioned actions and in what context. For example complimenting someone is good but if it done too often, or in the wrong context or x,y,z it may be as well received. Friendships to be are about the dynamic and what works with one friend may not work with another - you have to tweak your interactions to work for each friend.

For example...I became friends with another woman a couple years ago. She was kind, considerate, generous, she went out of here way to do things for others. She was very responsible in arranging and canceling plans...over all I'm sure she thought she was a terrific friend and on paper she was. The problem was that there was a part of her that was needy and she couldn't see that...so slowly people pulled away because how she went about being a considerate, generous, kind friend put people off, she tried too hard. I tried to stick it out and just define the boundaries but eventually I too found the friendship was wearing me out and I pulled away. I really really wish at some point she had asked why does this keep happening to me?

If you have a good friend you trust who you know will be honest, sit down and ask them why they think this is happening from their perspective? Don't take their feedback as criticism but rather as information you can use to tweak how you approach certain friendships. I've done this with a few friends and it has really helped.

unreggd

I'm the same, but my situtation is kind of ironically annoying

I'm always tryin to plan stuff for people to come to (cinema, bowling, gig, town etc)
but people always seem to say no, for stupid reasons

So I've thought, well maybe the just dont like me

Yet...

when they organise a night out, they ask me to come along, like they really want me there

or if we meet for a chat they'll say "We have to do somethin soon"

I think as of late my biggest turn-off is that I dont talk behind peoples backs :rolleyes:
theres no pleasin anyone!

2manyconditions

legend365 wrote: »

If your too available, people will put little value on your time.

This is an interesting concept but one line isn't enough - Are you saying for e.g. that someone appearing needy or a person always saying 'ya' instead of sayin 'no i'm busy' the odd time devalues a person.

I find it hard to understand why being available would mean that people would change or have a view on you as a person/friend

Nolanger

You shouldn't care if you're liked. Popular people are mostly wa*kers anyway. We need more square pegs and less team players.

LegacyUser

Friendship wrote: »

OP - I think often that we go through things in life that kind of shape our personalities, traumatic events, rejection, abandonment, fears....all those things make us put up little defense mechanisms that our actions are filtered through. Those defenses may work great in situations where there is a valid fear but not so great in other situations.

And I think that strong friendships are not a list of do's or don'ts. Just being able to check off a list of good friend actions doesn't make you someone people want to be friends with. It is how you relate the the other person and how you do those kind, well intentioned actions and in what context. For example complimenting someone is good but if it done too often, or in the wrong context or x,y,z it may be as well received. Friendships to be are about the dynamic and what works with one friend may not work with another - you have to tweak your interactions to work for each friend.

For example...I became friends with another woman a couple years ago. She was kind, considerate, generous, she went out of here way to do things for others. She was very responsible in arranging and canceling plans...over all I'm sure she thought she was a terrific friend and on paper she was. The problem was that there was a part of her that was needy and she couldn't see that...so slowly people pulled away because how she went about being a considerate, generous, kind friend put people off, she tried too hard. I tried to stick it out and just define the boundaries but eventually I too found the friendship was wearing me out and I pulled away. I really really wish at some point she had asked why does this keep happening to me?

If you have a good friend you trust who you know will be honest, sit down and ask them why they think this is happening from their perspective? Don't take their feedback as criticism but rather as information you can use to tweak how you approach certain friendships. I've done this with a few friends and it has really helped.

OP here, good to see this discussion is still going strong. The story in the above post is an interesting one. That woman you spoke about, do you think that people pulled away from her because her motives werent entirely pure? what I mean by that is, do you think that the reason she did so much for other people was because she was trying to manipulate them into liking her? And on some level people can sense when this is going on and withdraw.
Its a hard one to call, ive been on the verge of doing things for others but have stopped to consider my motives. And sometimes my motives arent so great: Giving, but only giving because Id want something in return, like praise, admiration or friendship.
But like I said its a hard one to call because sometimes its difficult to tell what my motives really are and if giving is appropriate or not.
Asking somebody you trust to give you feedback on how you really are in the world is a good idea but hard to execute. I mean it would have to be a really good friend and the problem with that is most of the people posting on this thread wouldnt have a friend like that in the first place. Theres also a strange scenario where people will avoid you or not include you but wont even be aware of their reasons for doing so. For a friend to be able to give you feedback they'd need a good level of self awareness to begin with I think.
The "dont be too available" comment is a puzzling one I find. I understand the concept and its the kind of device or tool Pick up artists will use to hook up with women. But it basically boils down to acting with a certain level of dishonesty in your life. Pretending that youre not around on a particular day or time when you really are. Thats playing games and its messy, a bit childish aswell. If somebody calls me up and asks me to go to the movies or wherever and im free, I'll go. I wont lie and say no im not available. Maybe other people play games and pretend theyre unavailable when in fact they are and so maybe Im the fool, but Id rather be honest and friendless than lie with people wanting to hang out with me as a result of that lie.

LegacyUser

unreg240510 wrote: »

OP here, good to see this discussion is still going strong. The story in the above post is an interesting one. That woman you spoke about, do you think that people pulled away from her because her motives werent entirely pure? what I mean by that is, do you think that the reason she did so much for other people was because she was trying to manipulate them into liking her? And on some level people can sense when this is going on and withdraw.
Its a hard one to call, ive been on the verge of doing things for others but have stopped to consider my motives. And sometimes my motives arent so great: Giving, but only giving because Id want something in return, like praise, admiration or friendship.
But like I said its a hard one to call because sometimes its difficult to tell what my motives really are and if giving is appropriate or not.
Asking somebody you trust to give you feedback on how you really are in the world is a good idea but hard to execute. I mean it would have to be a really good friend and the problem with that is most of the people posting on this thread wouldnt have a friend like that in the first place. Theres also a strange scenario where people will avoid you or not include you but wont even be aware of their reasons for doing so. For a friend to be able to give you feedback they'd need a good level of self awareness to begin with I think.
The "dont be too available" comment is a puzzling one I find. I understand the concept and its the kind of device or tool Pick up artists will use to hook up with women. But it basically boils down to acting with a certain level of dishonesty in your life. Pretending that youre not around on a particular day or time when you really are. Thats playing games and its messy, a bit childish aswell. If somebody calls me up and asks me to go to the movies or wherever and im free, I'll go. I wont lie and say no im not available. Maybe other people play games and pretend theyre unavailable when in fact they are and so maybe Im the fool, but Id rather be honest and friendless than lie with people wanting to hang out with me as a result of that lie.

Hi OP
I think in the case of the woman I talked about that she had lost friends in the past so she was trying harder and harder to be a good friend. Part of it was for self-validation I think, and her need to see herself as a good friend. part of it was I don't think she knew what it was that was pushing people away so she kept trying more. I know a few people thought she was a bit manipulative but I didn't see that part.

And I agree with you that a friend who could help you with self awareness would need to be self aware themselves. This is where a counselor might come in handy - to give you feedback on how you come across or how you interact and respond to others.

As for the "too available" comment, I find someone who is always available tends to scare me a bit and I would probably pull back. Why? Well I think part of what makes friendships is that people have varied interests that make them well rounded people and gives them things to talk about. So if you don't have any interests or activities that would make you genuinely unavailable at times, that would worry me. It is normal for a balanced, healthy person to say "oh I wish I could come...but I have volleyball, or I am going to a movie, or my family is getting together, or I'm going on a trip, or I have art class, or etc... Do I think you should make something up - no. Do I think you should join activities, classes, programs, that expand you horizons and make you genuinely unavailable - yes!
A second concern I have if someone is too available is that I am their only friend and that puts a lot of pressure on me. I like to mix up my friends and because most people are busy and unavailable at times - the mixing happens naturally as each time you go out the group is a bit different pending on who comes. So I don't want to hang out with any one person every single time I do something but if I know that you are sitting home doing nothing and always available I would feel guilty for not inviting you out. I don't want to feel that your social life (and happiness/loneliness) depends on me - and that is how I would feel if you were too available.

LegacyUser

Friendship wrote: »

I think part of what makes friendships is that people have varied interests that make them well rounded people and gives them things to talk about. So if you don't have any interests or activities that would make you genuinely unavailable at times, that would worry me. It is normal for a balanced, healthy person to say "oh I wish I could come...but I have volleyball, or I am going to a movie, or my family is getting together, or I'm going on a trip, or I have art class, or etc... Do I think you should make something up - no. Do I think you should join activities, classes, programs, that expand you horizons and make you genuinely unavailable - yes!

excellent posts here, and I used to be that very person you spoke of in a previous post. I thought my purpose in life was to be as good a friend as possible. I went out of my way to do things for friends. I had no life myself because I was afraid to try anything in case it went wrong. I lived through others. I was afraid to make mistakes (with friends and in my own personal life). I often resented my friends however because I saw them doing things I would've flagellated myself over! I saw them being 'nasty' to their partners (I realise now they were just being human), they'd say 'hurtful' things to me (I realise now they were just exasperated by my constant niceness and availability, or else they were just having a bad day!).

Going back to college gave me the push I needed because it was something I was really scared of doing, and I was terrified of making a big mistake. By going back to college, I learned so much about myself and I learned how others saw me. It was hard, hard to suddenly come to the realisation that I wasn't the nice friend I thought I was. Hard to suddenly realise that my friends probably thought I was a huge pain in the butt (they stuck with me though, I don't know how I'll ever make it up to them : ).

I now allow myself to be human. I get annoyed with friends and tell them what they've done has annoyed me-the difference between now and the way I was in the past is that I don't build it up into a huge all or nothing argument! I also pick my battles, which means that now everything isn't an affront to me. I understand my friends more now, and don't think they've failed at being a 'nice person' if they lose their temper or forget to text me back.

In short, a weight has been lifted from my shoulders.

legend365

2manyconditions wrote: »

This is an interesting concept but one line isn't enough - Are you saying for e.g. that someone appearing needy or a person always saying 'ya' instead of sayin 'no i'm busy' the odd time devalues a person.

I find it hard to understand why being available would mean that people would change or have a view on you as a person/friend

Its a tough one to explain. I've heard it on here before and it just stuck with me.

It makes sense though. I know people who never go on work nights out. No reason just one of those 'yes' people who never show up yet people still ask them out everytime. Whereas another person is always jumping at the chance of going out and it comes across as...well..desperate or something to that effect.

I think its more of a subconscious matter. People don't choose to think like that but it just kinda turns out that way

I think with really close friends though it doesn't matter. You know eachother so well that its never a factor.