Sick of my life. Ideas for changes?

LegacyUser

hi all. heres the story. got made redundant 2day after 9 years in the job. still live at home with the folks. have no real friends. lads i worked with were either older than me and married or young lads out of school. im 27 so kinda stuck in the middle as each group would have different social lives. im not a drinker and hate crowded pubs and loud music. i have being running around like a fool after a girl for the last year or so and she is wasting my time. im crazy about her but every time i try walk away so drag's me back with false hope but im afraid in-case its a chance to get with her and i miss it. sad i know.

any ideas for how to go about changing my life?

Drumpot

Sorry to hear you lost your job.

Take a deep breath . . 9 years in a job is a long time in this day and age . . Take a break and allow yourself time to relax, recharge your batteries and get back on the saddle . .

Then try to take control of your life mate . . easier said then done, I know , but its the first step in getting things back on track for yourself . .

I lived at home until I was 25 and even at that I only moved out because I had a partner, so in that regards I could very well still be at home if I wasn't lucky enough to meet somebody ! ! So, dont worry about that . . In all fairness, try and look at it this way, you are better off then 300,000 of us who are in negative equity!

Dont beat yourself up regarding that bird . . You might be a sucker for awhile (we all have our moments), but eventually you will either get her (and realise that you dont actually want her) or you will just move on . .

LegacyUser

cheers mate. i know it could be a lot worse and i know a lot of perple have way bigger problems than me. its just getting me down at the moment

LegacyUser

Im in the same position feel like such a loser right now! And i'm obsessing over a guy I normally wouldn't touch with a ten foot pole. I don't know whats wrong with, i'm sure these two assholes we're nuts over are getting a nice ego boost out of it so at least someone is benefiting... i just hope it passes soon as i am so depressed over it! when i actually try and seperate myself from my situation i just think wtf get over it but for some reason i cant.
i feel the only way to get over it is to meet other guys but i dont like drinking either and its so hard to meet people when living at home

LegacyUser

i know what ya mean. my biggest problem was i use to see this girl everyday in work. dont have that problem anymore so maybe it wont be as hard from now on....

Drumpot

Sometimes , particularly when we are vulnerable (and feeling low), we see things in people (opposite sex) that might not normally be a trait we would be attracted to . .

Ive been to coucelling before and one of the things I learned was to read into why I have done things in the past and what motivates me to do things going forward . . Doesnt mean I always get things right, but it certainly helps explain alot. .

When I was younger I was a really sociable person and was usually the centre of the craic of a night out . . The truth was that I was dieing inside and felt like the loneliest person in the world . . I couldnt talk to anybody as I thought they wouldnt like me if I actually had a sad side of me!

Eventually I learned to speak out (had an intervention with my friends who were shocked but delighted to help, thats a differant story).

BUT . .Part of my rehabilitation was to go out with differant girls at differant stages. Looking back it was a subconscious choice on my part . . Let me explain . .

The first girl who I truely cared for was a ballbuster . . She didnt take any crap off me, but everybody was shocked that we got together as she was completely the opposite to the kind of girl that I would usually go out with (or be attracted to). She was in many ways the opposite to me, quite introvert and certainly not as outgoing . .

Anyways, I went out with her for the guts of a year. Invariably I fked up many many times, as I had drinking issues (many many more stories on that!) and eventually we broke up, I was devastated.

Not too long after that I met another girl who was , in self esteem terms, very much lacking in confidence (again opposite to my previous girlfriend). My friends and family were also surprised that I went out with this girl. Sure enough after a couple of months I screwed that up (part of me thinks I did it on purpose, i was never good at breaking up!). Then the fear of being on my own (something I never liked) took hold of me and I was single for the guts of 6 months before meeting my next girlfriend (my wife to this day).

It was only when I stopped looking for a partner and enjoyed my own company (being a single person) did I find her.

But I had my own self esteem issues that I had built up . . The first girl I mentioned was the right girl at the right time. . I needed somebody to be a kind of dictator (kick me into some shape) and then the next girl had such low self esteem, it helped build up mine .. So in a weird way, I went into a bootcamp relationship and then a self esteem building relationship. .

Through this process I ended up with my wife in a relationship where I wasnt with the person because I needed them(a partner), it was because I wanted to be with them.

I know I make things sound very easy but believe me those were extremely difficult years in which I had to fight against alcohol, depression and self harm among other things.

And Bhha, I wasnt trying to be condescending (by saying things could be worse), I was trying to help you look at your life from a differant perspective . . Ive learned to downgrade my perception of things when I feel down. .

I dont get a sale - "well I might be unemployed, at least I have a job" .

If my mother has to go under another opperation "well I am lucky I can be there to help her through rehabilitation" . .

Feeling low or depressed - "thank god for my beautiful wife and awesome son"

For me, a big step in feeling better was to buy a rabbit . . People (friends etc) dont understand the significance it was for me .. I bought him as he didnt hurt anybody else, didnt hurt me and he gave me a feeling of accomplishment (I could look after something that gave me a feeling of purpose and good about myself).

What works for me does not work for everybody, but theres nothing wrong with feeling down . .The most important thing to do is to find out why and try to help yourself feel better (walking, pets etc). . I always found when I felt the worst I preffered to try to help others deal with their problems (cause it means I didnt have to think or deal with mine), this is a big no no . . I believe you can only truely help others when you help yourself get back on track . .

LegacyUser

That makes a lot of sense drumpot. I think for me its that i'm so down on myself at the moment. i feel like if this guy couldjust like me maybe i'm not such a loser. i dont know why i cant accept he is not right for me and try and find someone who is.
i dont know if its the same with you op.. but i'd say we really need to get out there and stop sitting around thinking of people we're not going to get anywhere with especially as drumpots probably right once we get them its very likely we won't want them..

seenitall

I hope I am not being too off-topic, but your thread has an unfortunate title, OP. I don't think it is reflecting the actual topic as well as it could be.

Change "Dick" to "Sick" maybe?

LegacyUser

ya it should be sick not dick. the joys of writing topics at 3 in the mornin!
tbh sameas i think i would be happy with this girl and she would be happy with me.. out of curiosity what type of guy do you go for??

Zaph

bhaa wrote: »

ya it should be sick not dick. the joys of writing topics at 3 in the mornin!

Fixed

Drumpot

sameas wrote: »

That makes a lot of sense drumpot. I think for me its that i'm so down on myself at the moment. i feel like if this guy couldjust like me maybe i'm not such a loser. i dont know why i cant accept he is not right for me and try and find someone who is.
i dont know if its the same with you op.. but i'd say we really need to get out there and stop sitting around thinking of people we're not going to get anywhere with especially as drumpots probably right once we get them its very likely we won't want them..

One of the things you should ask yourself is why are you so desperate to be with somebody?For some of us, sharing our lives with a partner is just a basic desire . . For others, at certain times in their lives, it can be wanting to have somebody to help us get over something that is currently upsetting us . . In essence, we want a partner to share our pain . . We can see potential people who we think will fill a void in our lives. .

Learning to pick yourself up is not easy on your own, but if you can do it, you will more then likely end up in a better/healthier relationship that isnt based on a need , more based on desire and love.

Might i also ad that we can tend to beat ourselves up when we feel down . .Its ok to be depressed, its ok to feel bad about ourselves, its ok to feel sorry for ourselves and its ok to ask for help . . The worst thing a person can do is keep things bottled up inside of them . . Eventually it will catch up on you . .

Do you know what else ? Its also ok to think better of yourself. Its ok to give yourself praise when you do even the slightest good deed . .I remember when I was going to councelling and I had felt sh*tty about myself for a long long time . . Coming home on the bus, I offered my seat to an OAP . . I felt great . . Such a simple thing, but I allowed myself to feel good about myself for the first time in a long time . .

I used to be the funniest person in school/college. People used to say "how can somebody be so happy", but in truth I was desperatley unhappy in life. It was only when I learned to trust my friends and family with sensitive personal issues that I was able to have more meaningful relationships with partners . . Relationships that were more then just crutches or filling voids . . My life is still not perfect but it is certainly more fullfilling . . When I get down, there isnt much I can do, but I know things will improve . . I sometimes come home so stressed, I just go to my rabbit, pick him up, give him some treats and straight away I feel a bit better . . Doesnt solve my problems, but sometimes even little boosts like that can mean so much . .

There are people who care for you and no matter why you are feeling down its not trivial. Its the most important thing in your life, thats more then enough to justify your sadness .. Dont beat yourself up for feeling down . . Just try to remember that you took a big step asking for help . . Thats more then many people and shows that you want things to improve . . Good luck guys and remember, you are not alone . .

LegacyUser

bhaa wrote: »

ya it should be sick not dick. the joys of writing topics at 3 in the mornin!
tbh sameas i think i would be happy with this girl and she would be happy with me.. out of curiosity what type of guy do you go for??

tbh I dont know what 'type' of guy i go for, it depends on their personality, I just like guys who are funny and you can have the craic with. the guy i am obsessing over could be funny but mostly its at other peoples expense and i just am realising he is not a very nice person. i'd say he is insecure himself. Also looks wise he is not my type at all, not that is important but it is making me wonder why i'm so hung up on him. There is other stuff about him that i dont want to say on this that would normally make me run away but for some reason..

So what exactly is the story with this girl? have you gone out with her or only dreamed about it lol!! And how is she holding you back from moving on? just knowing the bones of your story with her though i can't help but think why are you wasting your time with someone like that(i'm slowly realising the same for myself here!), surely if she was interested you'd know by now and actually its bullsh!t if she is stringing you along, why settle for anyone who would do that. its lousy

LegacyUser

ah its a long story and really hard to explain.. we were never a couple as such we just went on a few dates. didnt work out as she was dating someone else at the same time and she went into a relationship with him. she worked in the same place as me so i saw her nearly every day and i didnt want it to be weird so i kinda stayed friends with her.. dont know the hold she has on me. i know she is not into me as anything more than a mate. i asked her out last year when she was single. i love her to bits and would do anything for her. im afraid to walk away incase i never hear from her or see her again. stupid i know but thats the story

LegacyUser

call her and tell her how you feel !!!!!!!!