Bad luck with guys will i ever get a break?

showgirl

hi all,

i have a really depressing issue - i just cannot get a break with guys! Lately all i have been meeting are guys who are just up for a kiss and a lay and then thank you mam!!! i am 30 years old and have had 2 boyfriends my entire life - ( both of them lasted only a few months)

it seems i have a problem with keeping guys! i dont get them that easily either but that is def down to me not having confidence enough to think that a guy would be interested in me! i have lost out on a few guys that i thought fancied my friends and not me and then found out later that it was me that they were interested in!! i know im pretty i get told it all the time and that i suppose is the reason i get a guy when i do! but keeping the guy is my problem! i dont always sleep with them on the first night - it depends on the circumstances - i would really need to like them! but none of them ever seem to want to meet me again! im quite a funny girl and always the entertainment on a night out with friends - can have a laugh with guys and really chatty so its not like i am too shy for guys!! Why would they not want to ever see me again! i dont understand it!! if i were a guy i would love to date me - So what am i doing wrong?? how can i ensure that i get these guys to want to meet me again!! I am always me and i dont put up a defence etc,.....`

Any advise would be appreciated!
thanks

LegacyUser

You say you are the entertainment etc on a night out

could you be too full on? Too loud etc?

I love a lively girl but if she is full on as soon as I
meet her it's very off putting

Unique User Name

Hi show girl. I definitely would not take it personally if I was you. Regardless of gender, people can be quite insincere and difficult to read. I've had a similar experience with ladies. I came out of a four year relationship about 6 months ago and have dated quite a bit since. A lot of the girls really showed interest and then after maybe 3/4 dates they stop texting or else just don't want to continue it any further.

With all of these ladies (bar my 4 year relationship) it hasn't even come to the sex stage so that's certainly not it. I'm always myself too and I truely believe that being the case I'll meet someone who is just right for me as I'm sure you will too. Don't give up and be true to yourself you'll find someone who loves you for you.

magneticimpulse

I agree with the above poster. Im same age and I could nearly write something similar. I dont think its personal at all. I think you cant just meet some stranger in a bar or online dating. I think some interest has to develop over time that will keep the 2 of you interested. A common hobby or sport. After a while, looks disappear anyway, so its good to date someone you consider a friend, spend hours chatting to and enjoy their company.

Snogs, sex are all well and good, but there has to be something more in common then just that.

LegacyUser

showgirl wrote: »

So what am i doing wrong?? how can i ensure that i get these guys to want to meet me again!!

this is where you're going wrong-your attitude. If you're asking questions like this, it sounds to me like you want to please people. If you were secure in yourself, you wouldn't ask the questions I've quoted above.

I know this because I used to ask the exact same questions! It took me a long time to realise that I had to be happy and comfortable with myself to meet a man who wanted to get to know me. And looking back, I can understand why I wasn't being successful with men even though I wasn't clingy, didn't play games etc.

If I met a male version of the way I used to be, I wouldn't want to get into a relationship with him. He might be a nice guy, but deep down I would know that he was looking for my approval. To put it bluntly, I don't want a man I need to be constantly giving reassurance to-I want a man who has the confidence in himself to say 'Here I am, flaws and all'. I can only assume men look for the same in women.

Good luck with your search, it doesn't have to be all doom and gloom though! I've had the most amazing experiences, met lovely people along the way : )

G-Money

I'm in a similar boat OP except I'm a guy and I'm 33. As with you, I lack confidence etc so when I'm out on a night out, I never approach girls. The only exception is if I'm up dancing and a girl grabs me or something then I will say something to her but it's often just a few words of waffle then we keep dancing.

I've tried the internet dating thing and it's been hit and miss at best. I was recently on a site and out of all the girls I mailed, I got 2 replies. And my mails weren't the cookie cutter template style where I just copy and paste and change the girls name. Each one was unique to the girl and based on the info I could ascertain from her profile, which often wasn't much by the way either! One of the replies was so cold and sharp, it became apparent why the girl in question was still single. But that's besides the point.

I don't really know what the trick is. People say to join clubs and take up a sport or whatever, but that's all well and good except I hate all sports except Formula 1 motor racing I've occasionally thought about trying salsa dancing as a way to meet women and to also see if I possibly might like it. Although to be honest, my confidence and self esteem are holding me back. I keep thinking to myself "They won't want to get that close to me etc".

I've recently started trying to lose weight and have begun walking a lot which I surprisingly like. I wondered was there some sort of club I could join for that but I haven't really looked into it.

People say you should stop looking then the person will show up when you least expect it. That's all well and good as long as you keep going out and doing things and putting yourself a position to meet people. I think it can be easy to say to yourself you are going to stop looking and let yourself slide into a habit of not going out as much which means it's less likely you will meet someone.

I think the best advice I'd ever seen was from someone who replied to a similar thread before. Like you they were fed up of the dating game, or lack of, so they said to themselves they were going to go out to as many things as possible, even if they didn't feel like going. So nights out, parties, everything. Sure enough at one of these things, she met a fella.

Anyway I really should take some of that advice myself and go out more, although sometimes if I'm tired or whatever, I really don't feel like it.

LegacyUser

grandmaster: "I think the best advice I'd ever seen was from someone who replied to a similar thread before. Like you they were fed up of the dating game, or lack of, so they said to themselves they were going to go out to as many things as possible, even if they didn't feel like going. So nights out, parties, everything. Sure enough at one of these things, she met a fella."

That is the best advice I ever heard. kinda like that film the yes man with jim carrey!

showgirl

Mayebits wrote: »

You say you are the entertainment etc on a night out

could you be too full on? Too loud etc?

I love a lively girl but if she is full on as soon as I
meet her it's very off putting

I suppose i am a bit loud but i like having a laugh and usually the guy is the same or otherwise it wouldnt be happening between us!! i do understand what you are saying, but if i tone it down then i dont think that i will be approached by guys as it is my personality that gets their attention! to any other guy i would just be a plain Jane if i wasnt as funny and bubbly as i am so that is probably why i am so outgoing!! i do think im pretty but i just know that there is far prettier than me and that i will def not be looked at if i dont have something else going for me!

unregistered wrote: »

this is where you're going wrong-your attitude. If you're asking questions like this, it sounds to me like you want to please people. If you were secure in yourself, you wouldn't ask the questions I've quoted above.

i always feel like i am pleasing people whether it is at home, work, friends, strangers - i would hate to be not liked! i find i apologise a lot to people for things that are beyond my control - I want so badly to be in a loving relationship that i would do anything for a guy that would want to stay with me! but then i jsut think that there is something wrong with me when he doesnt call or jsut doesnt want to see me again! all my friends tell me i am great to be around so then i jsut dont understand why i cant get a boyfriend - maybe i am so desperate that they can sense it - ( i dont think i give tell tale signs away) wouldnt be me!!

grandmaster wrote: »

I've recently started trying to lose weight and have begun walking a lot which I surprisingly like. I wondered was there some sort of club I could join for that but I haven't really looked into it.

Grandmaster - I,like you, have started to lose weight aswell but i dont think that is the reason im not able to keep a boyfriend! i can get them which means that they were attracted to me for another reason and my weight did not repulse them! i am a size 18 which i am adamant at getting down but for now that is what i am but it has never stopped me meeting men - i didnt mention my weight because i honestly dont think its the issue here - to be honest i wouldnt want a guy that couldnt take me for who i was anyway!!! a guy that asked me to hook up with him a few months ago and because i worked with him i said no but then i had a change of heart and he then said that he wasnt in a place to date women passed a remark last weekend that he couldnt be with this other girl because she was massive - i took total insult to that because he had recently asked me to hook up with him but yet, here he was, telling me that this girl was massive! i though it cruel ....( and i am slightly bigger than her) ......i jsut dont know what goes through guys heads!!how could he have not thought me massive or why did he want to hook up with me???

i do get out as much as i can and i put myself out there! in the past 4 months i have been with 5 guys which is great for me cause i am not great for approaching them but when they come to me i can have a laugh with them!! But none of them want me for keeps - its like im just good for one night only and thats it!

im going to keep trying but i just wanted to know if anyone could tell of any sure things that i could be doing that is frightening these guys away from me!!!

A friend told me not to put out on the first night - i dont always do this but if i thought it would help i could stop having sex with them!! i like the closeness and i think that is why i do it!!

LegacyUser

Hiya OP.
I'm in a similar situation to yourself except I'm 33 and a size 20.
Like you, I've no problems attracting men and getting hit on. I could go home with a different fella every night of the week if I wanted to but no one seems to want to actually 'date' me properly....or in public to put it more correctly.

I've come to the realisation (not to be harsh) that while men are attracted to bigger woman, they are not mature enough to actually admit that to people. They are cowards and are afraid of what their friends will say and what people will think.

Hang in there, you just need to find someone who is self-confident enough not to worry about what other people think about who he finds attractive.

showgirl

moi aussi wrote: »

no one seems to want to actually 'date' me properly....or in public to put it more correctly.

I've come to the realisation (not to be harsh) that while men are attracted to bigger woman, they are not mature enough to actually admit that to people. They are cowards and are afraid of what their friends will say and what people will think.

I never thought of it that way before - makes sense though!! It is a very childish attitude when you think about it but i suppose its reality! i am a people observer and when i see men with larger women it always gives me hope that if that guy liked her for the size she was then why wouldnt some guy be able to like me for the size i am!!

I have made a pact with myself that i am going to do everything i can this year to get a guy and do all the things i missed out on when i was in my 20's that most of my friends got to do!!! The harsh reality is now that most of my friends are coupled up which leaves me as the spare part on nights out! i thought it was great at the start that they had boyfriends so surely they had friends for me but guess what - most of these guys friends are married already!! Just my luck!!

anyway the search continues!! hope my luck improves

TitoPuente

unregistered wrote: »

To put it bluntly, I don't want a man I need to be constantly giving reassurance to-I want a man who has the confidence in himself to say 'Here I am, flaws and all'. I can only assume men look for the same in women.

Hmmm. I'd have to disagree. While you really don't want to be with someone that's looking for reassurance and validation all the time, it's pretty important to be emotionally available and let your partner know where they stand with you. I've been in more than one relationship, for a reasonable length of time, with women who played your game and after months and months I never knew where I stood with them and they never reciprocated any of my occasional validations. These relationships became frustrating and I ended them. Not out of my own insecurity but just because of the fact that I felt the relationship was going nowhere/that we were just going through the motions and there was no real romance there.

Even as a man, I don't want to be in a relationship with a cold fish who's afraid to tell me how she feels about me... once in a while at least.

LegacyUser

op stop having sex on first date they will respect you more

LegacyUser

TitoPuente wrote: »

Hmmm. I'd have to disagree. While you really don't want to be with someone that's looking for reassurance and validation all the time, it's pretty important to be emotionally available and let your partner know where they stand with you. I've been in more than one relationship, for a reasonable length of time, with women who played your game and after months and months I never knew where I stood with them and they never reciprocated any of my occasional validations. These relationships became frustrating and I ended them. Not out of my own insecurity but just because of the fact that I felt the relationship was going nowhere/that we were just going through the motions and there was no real romance there.

Even as a man, I don't want to be in a relationship with a cold fish who's afraid to tell me how she feels about me... once in a while at least.

Oh good god I definitely agree! It's just not possible to maintain a relationship if you're not open to the give and take that comes with relationships. I personally don't play games and never would. It's a huge sign of disrespect to mess around with someone else's emotions.

But when you initially meet someone, I think it's a turn off if you get the impression that they need to be validated. My thinking is 'They've just met me, why do they think I hold the answer to their uncertainties?'

As I've said already, I would have been one of those people who had uncertainties and sought others to validate me. At the time, I would have sworn blind I didn't have any uncertainties! After a lot of soul searching, I found that this was MY stumbling block and addressed it.

To the OP, it's amazing what factors affect our ability to meet someone. The point about size was interesting, and it sounds true too. Such a pity, because there are a lot of men missing out on great relationships with great women just because they're afraid of being slagged by their 'mates'. The advantage of this however is that when you do eventually meet that special someone, you'll know he's a man who knows his own mind which is needless to say a very attractive attribute in a partner : )

Best of luck