I think my aunt is marrying a con-man

LegacyUser

The title says it really.
My aunt, who has been perpetually unlucky in love, has had a whirlwind romance with a local man she met a year ago. He moved into her house after two months when he lost his job. He was supposedly from a wealthy farming background (what he told her anyway) but never has any money and contributes nothing to the household bills as he spends his dole money looking for work.
He proposed after another couple of months and she was over the moon. I was with her last weekend trying on wedding dresses and from what she has said, she is footing the bill for most, if not all, of the wedding expenses.

I am trying to be objective in my post. The guy is nice, but there are a few things about him that just don't add up. I cautiously broached the subject with another cousin of mine and she said she was releived I brought it up because she has been having the same thoughts about my aunts fiancé.

I do not know what I should do. I love her to bits and I am really glad she's happy but she has had a rough time with men over the years (one ex was violent) and I know if this doesn't work out she will be devestated.

seenitall

The situation sounds like you summed it up pretty accurately in the title, OP.

However, your aunt may turn out to be one of those people who will only learn the hard way. If she is getting MARRIED to a guy whose very subsistance she is financing, and she is financing all of the wedding as well, then she sounds like she is too deep in Desperation Central to care about what anyone else says anyway.

You can try broaching the subject with her, but honestly, if it were me, I'd leave her to it. I think on some level she knows full well what she is doing.

Walls

If you say this, you will be permanently blocked by your aunt. She will take it as a sign you and other members of your family think she can only be attractive to a man as an easy mark.

What you can do is suggest with a great deal of respect, that she protect herself financially; that her assets are clearly demarked from the family home and that she is not paying for everything. Another suggestion might be pre-marriage councelling which can work out a lot of tangles.

Are you sure he is a con man? He might be opportunistic, but a full blown confidence trickster is rare...

LegacyUser

I know she will be very hurt if I bring this up but I think it will be nothing compared to how hurt she might be if this guy is what I think he is.

As this is a small country I do not want to give too many details. The man may not be a con man (maybe its too strong a phrase) but he has been caught out on few things. He said he had a house he would sell to contribute to my aunts home, but when she suggested going to an estate agent for some information, he said the house was "tied up". Turns out, he was referring to the family home which he hopes to inherit when his folks die and he did not own property outright. He also told her he had relatives abroad who would help arrange a wedding there, but again when she said it was a great idea and would save a few bob, he said he couldn't get in touch with them and they'd be better off at home.

I know I sound like this is a bit petty but even though he is nice, it is something about him I just don't trust. I know my aunt can be a bit naive and I just don't want to see her generosity (she is very good to friends and family) being taking advantage of.

Walls

If you say this to her though, you are in fact saying that she is both unlovable and foolish in the extreme. Even if you are right, she may be so offended that you are not listened to. If you do decide to speak to her, choose your words very, very, carefully.

LegacyUser

My aunt got done over by her boyfriend/fiance about 20 years ago to the tune of oooh, let's say a lot of cash when he nicked their life savings and headed back to his home country.

If we had known at the time that he was about to do her over, we'd have warned her because she deserved better.

Tread carefully though, tease it out. Maybe say to her that you have some "concerns". If she doesn't listen then leave it at that.

lady of the flowers

definitely thread carefully and google his name/address etc to see if anything dodgey comes up...

Beruthiel

do anything??? wrote: »

I do not know what I should do.

You should do nothing.
She is a grown woman, in charge of her own life and in total control of where she wishes to lead it. Be that to a good or bad place.

My sis picks one waste of space after another. She's been married twice, now living with someone that I cannot find one redeeming feature in.
Have I ever said a word to her? Nope.
Not my business who she picks to love and whatever I was to say wouldn't make one jot of difference.
See, the heart wants what the heart wants.
If I were to say a word, it would damage our relationship and at the end of the day, I'm there when these men come and go.

Emme

I don't like the sound of this man. Maybe your aunt has all the possibilities covered and is making him sign a pre-nup before they marry. Unfortunately there are no guarantees nowadays and it's all very well to mind your own business and stay out of it, but if your aunt doesn't organise a pre-nup she could well lose half her property along with this guy and suffer an impoverished and lonely old age as a result. It could also drive her over the edge psychologically.

Con men and confidence tricksters are very perceptive and manipulative. They can smell desperation a mile away and hone in on it like a vulture to carrion. It isn't an ideal world and if you care for your aunt advise her in the most diplomatic way you can to look after her interests. If the man cares for her he will be happy to sign a pre-nup, if not then she's well rid and better off alone.

He might be from a wealthy farming family, but that means nothing when it comes to assets. It does mean that you might be able to do a background check on him and find out what he's really like and if he has conned any other women.

Good luck.

lazygal

Prenups are not enforceable in Ireland, you can't plan the dissolution of a contract before it has been agreed and as marriage is a contract prenups are almost useless.