bf wont tell ex about me

LegacyUser

ive been going out with my bf for 3 months. he had an ex that he was with for nearly 10 years, they broke up because she was pressurising him into marriage while he felt he wasnt the marrying kind. now he is with me and says its totally different, he can see us getting married one day and loves me but he hasnt told his ex he met me. he gave me the impression they didnt speak but i found messages from her when i was using his phone one day when out of credit. i asked him and he admitted he talks to her every week. she has told him she has a new bf but he doesnt want to tell her he has met me. am i missing something here because im starting to feel bad about myself and a bit mistrustful of him

Kiera

To be honest, its none of her business. He doesn't have to tell her. Its his private life. The only reason my ex knows i have a new BF is because he posts on boards and saw me mentioning it. I would never have told him. What's the point?

LegacyUser

well as they speak every week they class themselves as friends. they would text a few times a week and usually a phone call. she knows everything thats going on in his life except about me. he knows everything thats going on in her life including she has a bf.

i wouldnt expect him to say anything if they werent talking but as he shares a lot of his private life with her and they talk so often and he gave me the impression they werent talking and i only knew from having his phone for a few hours i feel its weird

probably if he had been honest with me and i knew they talked all along it wouldnt have crossed my mind but i find all of these incidents together quite unsettling

G-Money

I think I agree. He's not with her anymore so he's not really obliged to tell her everything about himself. I don't know if it's just me but I think sometimes people can come across as smug or something when they mention they've started seeing someone. Almost as if you are rubbing their faces in it. I don't think it happens so much between friends, but if two people were previously a couple, then it's much more awkward.

He's not obliged to tell her, she's not obliged to know. I think you're taking a small issue and blowing it up into something huge and there's no reason for doing so. Let it go and just forget about it. If i was going out with a girl, I wouldn't really give two f****s who she did or didn't tell.

He very well may have his own reasons for not telling her and it's a little unfair to ignore that and make the issue all about you. You even said they don't speak or something, so perhaps it was a bad break up.

I'd say leave it OP, it's no biggie.

Good luck.

ilovetosing

new gf wrote: »

he wasnt the marrying kind. now he is with me and says its totally different, he can see us getting married one day and loves me

TBH OP I think this is something you should be more worried about!!! 3 months he loves you and thinks its diff and you could be married! Ehh I will call total and utter BS on them comments. Not the marrying kind and now suddenly he is!

OT, don't be worrying about his ex not knowing! like its been said its not her business!

Millie

I would think differently to the others on this.
Okay he doesn't have to mention that he is seeing you but the fact that he was hiding being in communication with her....I smell a rat.

This happened a friend of mine who was seeing a guy for months, he was continually in contact with his ex unbeknowst to my mate and when she did find out he denied it.
If they are ex's then why are they speaking/texting each other on such a detailed level (she and he know everything about each other lifes except for you...)

Also he is saying he loves you and can see himself marrying you but yet he fails to mention this to her.

Sorry OP but I'd be very doubtful that he is fully over his 10yr relationship yet.

LegacyUser

Millie wrote: »

I would think differently to the others on this.
Okay he doesn't have to mention that he is seeing you but the fact that he was hiding being in communication with her....I smell a rat.

This happened a friend of mine who was seeing a guy for months, he was continually in contact with his ex unbeknowst to my mate and when she did find out he denied it.
If they are ex's then why are they speaking/texting each other on such a detailed level (she and he know everything about each other lifes except for you...)

Also he is saying he loves you and can see himself marrying you but yet he fails to mention this to her.

Sorry OP but I'd be very doubtful that he is fully over his 10yr relationship yet.

thanks everyone for your repsonses.

there seems to be some confusion from my first post. he is in constant contact with her but i wasnt aware of this. when he was telling me about the break up he said that he had never felt she was 'the one' and she was pressurising him all the time to get married (which after 10 years i can see why tbh) and he felt it was either make or break so they split up. he said she went beserk and they stopped even speaking to each other. he never mentioned that they had started speaking to each other again or never mentioned her name in conversation etc. so from this i never realised they were speaking again or on such a constant level so that is point one of why i'm feeling uncomfortable. i guess i kind of feel its a bit behind my back

they have split up nearly 3 years ago, she has told him about a guy shes seeing and even wants him to meet her new boy. but still he doesnt mention me

he tells her about his family problems and work problems and sends her random how are you messages and other things like if theres a match i hope your cheering for us today etc. i saw the messages because his exs name is the same as my best friend and on the iphone i clicked on there conversation thinking it was the conversation i had with my friend. when im at his i use his phone a bit if im out of credit/battery as there isnt a local shop for about 10 min drive or twenty min walk so neither of us could be bothered heading out for credit if i can use his phone which he doesnt mind. after i saw the messages he still didnt mind me using his phone. when they are swapping so much private info and even silly little messages i dont understand why he wouldnt also mention he has met someone

even now that i know they are in contact he never ever mentions he has been talking to her but would mention hes been in touch with other friends. if i ask him has he been talking to her he would always say no not really we dont talk that much

i still talk to one of my exs through work and my bf gets very jealous about that. my ex knows about my ex and my bf always wants an every word report on my ex if he has been in contact and what about etc

i know his i see myself marrying you is a lot at the this stage tbh im not really midning that i was just giving background info. if we come to that stage then we will address it then but its not something im looking at now, but this issue wiith the ex has made me feel uncomfortable

any further thoughts other than forget about it?

and thanks millie for a different point of view. tbh i hadnt thought he might still be into her as they broke up 3 years ago and while he talks very highly of her he always says he just couldnt see a life with her, she wasnt the one, and he stayed with her mainly because there were no problems and it was easy to continue until the idea of marriage brought it to a head. i wonder though if she is still into him and he likes the attention or something?? i guess i dont know but i feel uncomfortable and dont know what i should do about it if anything

Millie

They split up three years ago but yet tell each other everything (except about you).
To be honest I don't think I have as much contact as they do with my best friend!!

Why should he be telling her about his family, job etc when you are his girlfriend and he should be telling you all of these things???

And then your boy has the audacity to grill you about any contact with your ex.....kettle calling the pot black and all that.

And why oh why would she want your boy to meet her new boy??

I don't know OP maybe she has a peverse hold still over him but he is also willingly happy to play along with her.

When it comes to ex's and new relationships I firmly believe you can't have it both ways.
Of course they were together for 10yrs and there is a lot of history there so I could cope with the odd email etc. However they are split up 3yrs so it's defo time that either they get on with their lives or get back together.

LegacyUser

new gf wrote: »

and thanks millie for a different point of view. tbh i hadnt thought he might still be into her as they broke up 3 years ago and while he talks very highly of her he always says he just couldnt see a life with her, she wasnt the one, and he stayed with her mainly because there were no problems and it was easy to continue until the idea of marriage brought it to a head. i wonder though if she is still into him and he likes the attention or something?? i guess i dont know but i feel uncomfortable and dont know what i should do about it if anything

You don't stay with someone for 10 years, just because there is no problems. You're only going out 3 months, he's lied to you about no being in contact with the ex.
He seems to instigating a lot of the chats, sending how are you message etc.., family/work problems.
- Not telling her about you
- Getting jealous about you talking to exs, obviously he things its wrong to do so.
It all seems funny to me.

Snowie

Op what your doing to your self and to your bf is unfair.

They where with each other for ten years, thats a lot of history.
For some people they can still stay as friend who are plotonic.

From what Ive read, the guy has nothing to hide at all. You braught something up he was truthfull and still let you use his phone so its not like hes hiding something.

Could it be that maybe she contacts him more then he contacts her? Most broken reletionships have this thing that they need to get over and its called habit. Some people can brake the bonds in two minutes others in a few years, maybe shes the one holding on to the habbits. After all he said he see's things going places with you.

Why is it so important that he says hes got a girlfriend to his x He really has no need to.. Its his buisness, maybe hes trying to keep her at arms length. but not doing it in a mean and cold manor..

You said she wants him to meet her new bf, she wants him to not him, personally speaking I think he has no interest in meeting him IU know I personally wouldnt have any interest in meeting any of my xs bfs Id be like why?

I think maybe you should just cool of and hink about it beacuse holding on to something so small an unimportant could in the future jeperdise your reletionship.

i like to say I can see where your coming from but I dont think you need to be so worried. well thats my take on it. easy for me to say, because im not in those shoes. but its the truth.

LegacyUser

yeah it just feels funny to me

his mother told me a lot about there relationship and she said she always thought the girl was lovely but not the one for him and they were more friends than long term relationship thing. he said they hadnt had sex in the last 2 years and it had all dwindled out.his mother also says he never looked at his ex the way he looks at me etc.

anyhow its really more the concern over the current thing of him not telling her about me that is confusing me. i dont understand why he wouldnt tell her he is dating someone new given that she told him shes seeing someone new. he does talk to me about his problems a lot more than he talks to her but she would know of the issues while he would discuss them with me. i dont know who instigates the conversations. ive tried talking to him about my feelings on this and to find out a few unanswered questions but didnt get anywhere. he always has an urgent work call to make or receives or something he just has to do or gets distracted

honestly at this stage im thinking of going through his phone to check dates and times etc to see who is instigating it and if theres any flirty texts although i know its wrong to do that

LegacyUser

snow monkey thanks for that. there are a few points there i hadnt thought of.

tbh if he had just talked this out with me im sure i would be over it but whenever i try he always finds a way out of it or its just a lot of shrugging and i dont knows going on. i feel uncomfortable because he told me theyd stopped talking completely but never told me they had re started again and i found out by mistake as opposed to him just saying oh i heard from x and shes well kind of thing. its a combination of the impressions he gave me, that i had to find out by accident, they talk so regularly, they dont about their lives and her bf but he wont mention me and that he wont talk to me about it. it all adds up funny in my mind and i just dont get it

wurzlitzer

It sounds like this guy may be an egomaniac, and I am not sure I would be comfortable with a guy being in contact with his ex so much.

I went out with a guy for eight years, he initially wanted to marry me after a whirlwind romance, but never commited.

Turns out, he had been in three previous relationships, where he ended it, yet he still is contact with all of them, wanting to know all that was happening with them. his last girlfriend he once confided in me emailed him love letters saying she was still in love with him, he would tell her he was in love with me, but he did not break contact which now i think was not appropiate. i.e he loved his ego being stroked.

I asked to stop contact he would not....it rotted the relationship. I realise now i put up with a lot of his BS.

And like your situation he did not like it when i talked about my previous ex, so i stopped, and it was never reciprocated.

I would tread very carefully

Maybe wait for a while and see if the issue of him being in conatct with her so much still bothers you and maybe ask him to tell her and maybe cut back on the contact.

IMO I have to say here tbh men and women staying friends after a relationship is BS.

True respect and acting appropiately is truly lost with our generation.

magneticimpulse

he prob has dated a few girls over the 3 years since breaking from the ex. Your only dating 3 months. This doesnt just apply to the ex, but I think men in general, want to really know someone is serious before announcing to the world they are dating someone. I mean 4 months ago, you prob didnt even know who he was. In 4 months time you or he could be dating someone different. I think its quite normal that he hasnt told people after 3 months...after being in a 10 year relationship, 3 months is a very short period of time.

Just give it time, im sure after a year, everybody will know you 2 are in a proper relationship.

LegacyUser

thanks again for feedback

he has told people about us, thats not my issue at all. ive met most of his friends and theyve all told me that he is crazy about me etc. for 3 months we have a great relationship. this issue with his ex is just bothering me. its only her he hasnt told about us. i just find it odd that when he talks about his friends and who he has seen or been in contact with that he would never have mentioned her and gave me such a strong impression they didnt talk plus i had to find out by accident. that he wont talk to me about it i find really concerning and i dont really know what to do about it. i think if he just talked it out with me it would probably be ok but am i wrong to think i deserve an explanation

wurzlitzer thanks so much for your story

vicecreamsundae

i wouldn't wprry about the fact he didn't tell you they got back in touch. he probably should have mentioned it, but i don't think there was anything malicious about it -you've seen the messages and they're not flirty, and she's told him she has a boyfriend and stuff. maybe he didnt want to worry you or hurt your feelings by saying they were talking again.

but not telling her he's seeing you? that would piss me off. it would make me wonder if he wanted his ex to think he was still available. i have a friend who's boyfriend didn't tell his ex about him, but it was because the ex had been very depressed since the break up, and in a case like that, i might not push someone into telling the ex, but if she has a new boyfriend and they've been broken up three years, it's a whole different story.
ask him why he hasn't mentioned you, when she's told him about her boyfriend.
and then tell him how that hurts your feelings, that he won't acknowledge you, how it seems like he wants his ex to think he's single and that's worrisome.

and then ask him what is up with this double standard where he is super jealous and keeps tabs on your ex, but is keeping in such close contact with his own.

LegacyUser

i havent examined the messages, i guess shock got the better of me. some of the phrases were very 'cutesy' which could be flirty or not. i didnt go through his phone to see the messages or others or content etc but i feel i need to although i know its dishonest. he wont talk to me about it and i genuinely dont know what to do here