In love with best friend....

LegacyUser

Well I met my best friend a good while ago and wasn't attracted to him at the time as I didn't think I was gay, then couple of month's later I suddenly developed these feelings for him and realised that I was gay (he's gay too). I told him I liked him and of course got the whole "just be friends" thing. I was crushed and depressed, I'm still depressed like 8 months on, I cannot get over this person as he's my very best friend, I see him everyday and do everything with him. I can't just simply stop seeing him as I don't have a large circle of close friends. I have horrible mood swings whenever I see him kiss other people and stuff, he did like me once but not anymore. I feel this is seriously taking it's toll on the friedship and my own life as I feel I'm not worthy ans that there's something wrong with me, I know that's not the case. I'd just like to hear bout anyone who ever went through this or a breakup and how they coped with it as I'm not coping very well as I bottle everything up and feel like crying all the time. Any advice would greatly be appreciated, thanks....

Renraw2

honestly OP? I'd leave it. You could lose their friendship if ya cling on to it. Time is a great healer, it really is. I went through a break up and was driven near demented but I eventually came out of the spiral. It does take time and varies from person to person but ya have ta let it go first in order to mend the pain. Hope it works out for ya

Rick_

Been there, done that, only my friend wasn't gay, (although I still suspect to this day that he is at least bi-curious).

You need to distance yourself from him for a while. I know he is your best friend in the world and you don't have many others, but that's the same as me, and I had to do something so I did more things at home with the family or hung around with the other few friends I had and tried to not be with or talk to my mate for a while. It was very hard at first but after a while I totally forgot about him and really started to enjoy myself and my life without all these depressing / rejected thoughts in my head.

We do talk now, but mostly through text on the phone. In the odd time we would meet on the street it's not awkward or uncomfortable, we can chat and I can actually be in his company without getting lost in daydreams thinking to myself "if only you were mine..."

It'll be hard for you to do, but you know you have to do it for your own health if nothing else. Holding it all in isn't helping and never will. Perhaps the best thing to start you off would be to have that cry you really want to have. Get it out of your system and then starting the process of distancing yourself for a while will seem easier. You've grieved for the loss of what could have been and are then ready, mentally, to move on with your life.

Oh, and remember, no matter how bad it seems about not being able to be with mates you fall in love with, just remember it's better to have these people at mates than to not have them in your life at all, so don't think that another act of telling them how you feel is going to go down well and may drive him away completely which will only make you feel worse.

You said that he did like you once, but now doesn't. Did he give you a reason for this? Maybe it's because he values you more as a friend and doesn't want to lose that connection with you if you end up breaking up. It seems he would rather just have you as a best friend than a lover, and that's probably the best way to have it.

LegacyUser

unregistered wrote: »

I'd just like to hear bout anyone who ever went through this or a breakup and how they coped with it as I'm not coping very well as I bottle everything up and feel like crying all the time. Any advice would greatly be appreciated, thanks....

It all sounds too familiar...
Bottling feelings up makes them more intense and stay for longer. I was attracted to someone, it took me time before I could realise it wasn't a dirty secret or a painful cross to bear. When I eventually told a friend what was going on, it seemed to put it in perspective and I felt a little better because of it.

My friend did not fancy me and I had to assume it would never change, despite my mind being very good at giving me fantasy scenarios, "If you just hung on a little while longer, then maybe..." Forget it. It's the carrot on a stick that keeps you in a rotten situation.
In the meantime my feelings weren't changing either. You can't just decide to just stop being attracted to someone. So instead, for months I had been staying in an unhealthy situation, living with the guy. I felt rotten, and time didn't improve things one bit because he was always there.

I had a small circle of friends too and that argument is not good enough, unless you think it's okay for you to be suffering. There are other circles out there. Go find them and give yourself some space. Friends don't necessarily come in circles either, you can meet up with your other friends without the guy being there.
It has to be done to be honest. Try imagining being where you are for another 8 months.

Chuchoter

I am in an identical situation, except my friend is straight and I never outright told her I liked her, but the long lingering looks might have gave me away. Now the friend is like incredibly awkward around me after I came out (its hardly like I'm some perv about to jump on her). I still want to spend all my time with her but I just can't. It hurts too much to see her so uncomfortable around me. If you're just finding it too difficult maybe just give the relationship a break, make some new friends get a new boyfriend and then get friendly with this guy again after a while.

LegacyUser

Eternal Wonderer wrote: »

You said that he did like you once, but now doesn't. Did he give you a reason for this? Maybe it's because he values you more as a friend and doesn't want to lose that connection with you if you end up breaking up. It seems he would rather just have you as a best friend than a lover, and that's probably the best way to have it.

Yes he did give me a reason, he said once we really became best friends when he "liked liked" me, he wanted to keep it as that as this was really the first time either of us had ever had a best friend. Everyone always comments on how close we both are and sorta envy it. I suppose what's annoying me is that I let this happen, I wasn't attracted at all back when he liked me. We've gotten through an awful lot together, arguments and family related problems, in a way we both rely on each other, especially at this time in my life when people are begging to know about my sexuality.

Rick_

All I can say to you is that I was exactly the same way with my best friend, we told each other everything about our lives, stuff no-one else in the world but us knew, were in each others house every day, did everything together and we so close, it was amazing, I couldn't imagine a better friend. Of course, I totally fancied the hell out of him but knew there wasn;t a chance, but let myself believe that maybe, someday, it just might. Shortly after we first met I told him I was gay and he was really happy I told him and said he was honoured that I felt comfortable enough to tell him. We laughed about it all the time. He is totally straight, but there are the few instances that plant seeds of doubt in your head. After telling him drunkenly one night about really liking him, he laughed and brushed it off, but when I said it again sober he sort of got weird with me for a while, but then we got close again. There were a few instances where we got close to doing stuff with each other, but it never happened. We were both drunk one night and pecked on the lips and held it for what seemed like an eternity (he initiated it), which we have done before but it was a friendly, messing about thing, nothing more, and the pecks only lasted a half a second. I always wondered if we held it because both of us wanted to snog, but were afraid to be the one to initiate it.

Anyway, he has a girlfriend now and spends the majority of his time with her and her few friends and family, so we don't talk much, usually only by text now or the very rare occasion we meet each other on the street we stop and talk for a few moments then seperate. We were the best of friends for like 4 years and then he met his girlfriend last summer and they have become inseperable since. Everything we did, even our sense of humor and everything is now between them two and I feel so left out that I don't have that connection with him any more and I resent her for having it now. Anyway, this is getting slightly off topic.

Basically what I'm trying to say is that even having this guy as a friend is something you will take for granted until he is gone. You can't make him love you again, so wait and see what happens but don't expect him to just drop everything and come running to you. Now that the two of you have your feelings out in the open then it might give you both some thinking for the future. He fancied you when you wern't ready, he may not now, but if he liked you in the past he may change his mind again in the future. Then again, he might now, so don't be getting your hopes up just yet. And don't let the fact that you aren't together get you down. You would feel a hell of a lot worse if you fell out and never spoke to him again. It's the lesser of two evils, so have him as a friend rather than not at all. I only wish I still had my friend around as much as I had. I don't resent him for going and getting a girlfriend and having a life outside of my house, but I do regret letting myself get too wrapped up in the friendship and thinking it was gonna last forever and that maybe we would have been together in the future. It caused so much hurt (and still does every now and then when I sit and really think about it), and looking back, it just isn't worth it. Life's too short, so distance yourself from him for a while if needs be, try something new, join a club or do a hobbie course in the evenings and try and meet new people, or even just spend more time with other friends away from this guy. Familiarity breeds comtempt and you're just gonna get more annoyed the longer you have him in your head or in your presence, so keep your mind off him with other things and eventually your strong feelings for him will get weaker and weaker until you barely think about him at all and probably won't fancy him. It sounds impossible, but it can be done, and in those moments when I was out living my life and doing somehting other than thinking about him, were some of the happiest times I;ve had in years. So don't let it get you down.

Bottle_of_Smoke

It is impossible to have a close friendship with someone if you have feelings for them. You need to cut him out and move on. Otherwise you're just going to encounter misery over and over.

Kanoe

the longer you leave it the more you get hurt.

Barna77

Been there, done that, cried a lot. The worst years of my life but got over him.

Donnaghm

Barna77 wrote: »

Been there, done that, cried a lot. The worst years of my life but got over him.

Yup, I was in the same boat. I'm still not over him tbh.

LegacyUser

So do you ppl stay good friends or is that physically possible, as even the idea of my best friend getting with someone else makes me cry, it's really bad. I know I should meet new ppl for my own sanity but I can't not be best friends with this person. Do you drift apart eventually or simply lose interest in them?

Donnaghm

unregistered wrote: »

So do you ppl stay good friends or is that physically possible, as even the idea of my best friend getting with someone else makes me cry, it's really bad. I know I should meet new ppl for my own sanity but I can't not be best friends with this person. Do you drift apart eventually or simply lose interest in them?

Hmmm, I'm still best friends with him but you have to realise it's unrequited love and that nothing can happen between you two and move on and find someone else. I certainly contemplated distancing myself from him for my own sanity but I couldn't.

Barna77

unregistered wrote: »

So do you ppl stay good friends or is that physically possible, as even the idea of my best friend getting with someone else makes me cry, it's really bad. I know I should meet new ppl for my own sanity but I can't not be best friends with this person. Do you drift apart eventually or simply lose interest in them?

Donnaghm wrote: »

Hmmm, I'm still best friends with him but you have to realise it's unrequited love and that nothing can happen between you two and move on and find someone else. I certainly contemplated distancing myself from him for my own sanity but I couldn't.

It wasn't easy to see him having a long string of one night stands or gfs.

I gathered the guts to tell him what was going on. He was kind of shocked. Everything was fine for a while. Then I made the huge mistake of moving in with him. I don't know waht happened but he began to behave like a bastard. Our friendship deteriorated but it helped me to get over him.

We are still good friends but we haven't talked to each other in a while now.