to go or not to go, that is the question

LegacyUser

I just broke up with my long distance boyfriend, or rather he broke up with me.

It was via msn.
I want to go and see him to finish it properly.
I feel I need to hear him say it and see him in person, so I can mentally process it and believe it, and move on.

He obviously doesn't want to see me.

Would you go anyway?

seenitall

No, I wouldn't.

Getting dumped is not only about having your heart broken. It is also about the humiliation of rejection.

You do not need that humiliation reinforced by this guy in a face to face meeting. It may seem like you do at the moment as the break-up is still raw, but you really don't. If you do go and see him, there is a good chance that you will end up feeling like a fool down the line, when your feelings for him cool off. Don't risk that and don't give him any satisfaction of boosting his ego when he sees you still caring about what he says after you have been dumped.

Good luck.

Nikbik

Absolutely not - What do u expect him to do, See you and think he's made a mistake? No offence but if the coward cant pick up the phone and finish it what's to say he'll blank you and make you feel like a right thick... Tell him that's fine and wish him good luck and leave it at that. Chin up there's plenty more nice fishys in the sea than that clown

Faith

My boyfriend broke up with me over the phone - or at least I knew it was coming - and I made him drive up the next day to finish it in person. I'm pretty glad I did, actually.

LegacyUser

OP Here -

The conversation finished with a phone call, and the break up had been coming.
I have no expectations regarding getting back together, but I know myself that in a week or three I will start rationalising everything and with no grounds hope will creep in.

I want to see him, because I need a moment that I can't rationalise away.
I need that rejection because when it's absolute and final, it will force me to move on.

seenitall

What do you mean you need that rejection???

You got that rejection - YOU GOT DUMPED BY MSN AND BY PHONE!!

I really don't get it - why would hope of a relationship with someone who dumped you start creeping in?? Have you no pride?

TBH, it sounds like you don't, and that, far from wanting to see him in order "to extinguish any hope", (and despite what you are saying to justify your motivation) you actually want to get him to change his mind. Otherwise there would be no reason whatsoever to go see the guy.

If you had truly accepted that there is no turning back, you would not care if you never saw him again.

Self-respect. A great thing. It's either there or it isn't.

Faith

seenitall wrote: »

What do you mean you need that rejection???

You got that rejection - YOU GOT DUMPED BY MSN AND BY PHONE!!

I really don't get it - why would hope of a relationship with someone who dumped you start creeping in?? Have you no pride?

TBH, it sounds like you don't, and that, far from wanting to see him in order "to extinguish any hope", (and despite what you are saying to justify your motivation) you actually want to get him to change his mind. Otherwise there would be no reason whatsoever to go see the guy.

If you had truly accepted that there is no turning back, you would not care if you never saw him again.

Self-respect. A great thing. It's either there or it isn't.

seenitall, that's ridiculously harsh, and completely out of line IMO. I'm recently dumped, and I still regularly think about us getting back together. The relationship was great, why wouldn't I hope that we might get back together? Yes, he dumped me, but emotions and logic are completely seperate things. I know the relationship is over, I know it's best that way, but it'll be a long time before I stop hoping he'll come back to me. I've tried everything to quench that hope, but doing is not as easy as saying. I've been exactly where the OP was, and I completely understand why she wants to see him.

He dumped her, of course she hasn't accepted there's no turning back. She's probably in shock. It took me about a week for the shock to wear off. Phones and computers allow people to say things without having to look the other person in the eye. It's the coward's way. But when you're dumped that way, you often need the closure of having that person look you in the eye and say "Yes, even with you standing in front of me, I want to break up". If she doesn't see him, the OP will continue to think "well, maybe if he saw me, he'd remember he loves me". It's irrational, but it's how it goes. What's more is everyone I've talked to who's been dumped admits to having the hope of getting back together for a while, no matter how toxic the relationship or how awful the dumper was. It has sweet fúck all to do with self-respect and pride. It's an irrational emotion and there's nothing you can do about it.

OP - here's the thing though: Even if you see him, don't expect it to be enough to force you to move on. I saw my ex twice, and it still didn't push me into moving on.

Anyway, I'm not arguing this any more on thread. OP if you want to chat about things, feel free to get in contact with me.

ash23

If he were willing to meet and you felt you needed it, then I'd say go ahead.

But if he is refusing to meet with you then don't force it. You will look insane.

He might quite likely slam the door in your face and you'd feel like a total knob afterwards.

Go and lick your wounds. But don't degrade yourself by becoming the girl he tells his mates about when discussing psycho exs.

Dignity at all times.

road_high

Faith wrote: »

seenitall, that's ridiculously harsh, and completely out of line IMO. I'm recently dumped, and I still regularly think about us getting back together. The relationship was great, why wouldn't I hope that we might get back together? Yes, he dumped me, but emotions and logic are completely seperate things. I know the relationship is over, I know it's best that way, but it'll be a long time before I stop hoping he'll come back to me. I've tried everything to quench that hope, but doing is not as easy as saying. I've been exactly where the OP was, and I completely understand why she wants to see him.

He dumped her, of course she hasn't accepted there's no turning back. She's probably in shock. It took me about a week for the shock to wear off. Phones and computers allow people to say things without having to look the other person in the eye. It's the coward's way. But when you're dumped that way, you often need the closure of having that person look you in the eye and say "Yes, even with you standing in front of me, I want to break up". If she doesn't see him, the OP will continue to think "well, maybe if he saw me, he'd remember he loves me". It's irrational, but it's how it goes. What's more is everyone I've talked to who's been dumped admits to having the hope of getting back together for a while, no matter how toxic the relationship or how awful the dumper was. It has sweet fúck all to do with self-respect and pride. It's an irrational emotion and there's nothing you can do about it.

OP - here's the thing though: Even if you see him, don't expect it to be enough to force you to move on. I saw my ex twice, and it still didn't push me into moving on.

Anyway, I'm not arguing this any more on thread. OP if you want to chat about things, feel free to get in contact with me.

Couldn't agree more. Your expereience sounds exactly like mine. Even though I knew the relationship was going nowhere it still hit me like a train when it ended and 3 months later i still harbour those irrational hopes of us getting back!! Even though I know this will not happen you still pine for what might have been. As you say it is human nature.

ash23

mfitzy wrote: »

Couldn't agree more. Your expereience sounds exactly like mine. Even though I knew the relationship was going nowhere it still hit me like a train when it ended and 3 months later i still harbour those irrational hopes of us getting back!! Even though I know this will not happen you still pine for what might have been. As you say it is human nature.

It's not the same. She asked him drive to her. He was willing to do that and to have that conversation.
Your ex does not want to see you. He does not want to do the "breakup" thing. He is a coward.
You going to see him is not the same as asking him to come to you.

You can say to him "You are not doing this over the phone. You will come here and have the decency to say it to my face". But if he says "no way" then you leave it at that. You do not show up at his door uninvited and unwanted.

Go and see your mates and have a great big rant about what a weak willed, shamefaced b@stard he is and how he didn't have the decency to break up with you to your face. Also watch the episode of Sex and the city where carrie gets dumped by post-it and then rants to her exs friends about it. You will cringe so badly at that episode. It's painful to watch. She looks like a nutter. It will put you off doing anything drastic.

munstergirl

Delete his number, email, NO CONTACT.
Got any friends let them know you've been dumped.
Invite them round to cheer you up.
What part of "Your dumped" do you not understand. "IT SUCKS"
But only YOU can make yourself feel better. And you will.

lazygal

Faith wrote: »

seenitall, that's ridiculously harsh, and completely out of line IMO. I'm recently dumped, and I still regularly think about us getting back together. The relationship was great, why wouldn't I hope that we might get back together? Yes, he dumped me, but emotions and logic are completely seperate things. I know the relationship is over, I know it's best that way, but it'll be a long time before I stop hoping he'll come back to me. I've tried everything to quench that hope, but doing is not as easy as saying. I've been exactly where the OP was, and I completely understand why she wants to see him.

He dumped her, of course she hasn't accepted there's no turning back. She's probably in shock. It took me about a week for the shock to wear off. Phones and computers allow people to say things without having to look the other person in the eye. It's the coward's way. But when you're dumped that way, you often need the closure of having that person look you in the eye and say "Yes, even with you standing in front of me, I want to break up". If she doesn't see him, the OP will continue to think "well, maybe if he saw me, he'd remember he loves me". It's irrational, but it's how it goes. What's more is everyone I've talked to who's been dumped admits to having the hope of getting back together for a while, no matter how toxic the relationship or how awful the dumper was. It has sweet fúck all to do with self-respect and pride. It's an irrational emotion and there's nothing you can do about it.

OP - here's the thing though: Even if you see him, don't expect it to be enough to force you to move on. I saw my ex twice, and it still didn't push me into moving on.

Anyway, I'm not arguing this any more on thread. OP if you want to chat about things, feel free to get in contact with me.

This has summed up how my relationships have ended. I have always hoped that we'd get back toegether. One guy dumped me by text, of all things! The other just did a disappering act. I can honestly say it would have been easier if they had done it face to face. I can't explain it. Maybe its a respect thing, I mean it takes 30 seconds to write a text so I was left feeling that all I was worth was 30 seconds of his time. If you are in a relationship you have to take on board the fact that you are not just dealing with your feelings but also with someone else's, even if you are breaking up you ahve to consider the other persons feelings.

Dumping people by text/phone/email is never the right thing to do and is a sign that the person doing the dumping has no respect for the other person, they are only thinking about themselves. People KNOW it is a shtty thing to do and they should not do it.

I should add OP I am now in a very happy, healthy relationship with a man I know I want to be with for a long time so you will come through this, I promise.

seenitall

Faith, I certainly don't want to argue on here either! That's not why I contribute to PI threads, I contribute as and when I see that I have something useful to offer in way of advice, but of course it will differ from someone else's advice a lot of the times - we are all different people with different experiences behind us and that will be reflected in our advice.

My experience tells me that nothing good can come of OP travelling to see the man who already dumped her, unless one counts humiliation as a good thing. However, obviously we disagree on that, and I get the feeling the OP will probably do what she wants to do, rather than consider the consequences of what will happen at the other end, and how it will make her feel.

That's all fine, some people need to learn from their experience and no one elses.

I don't think I was out of line at all, especially about self-respect being a great antidote to hoping against hope,and therefore I am leaving that post as it is on here, but if it comes across as being harsh, all I can say is maybe I have seen more life than I should have and it made me more thick skinned than is needed at times. Apologies to anyone concerned!

Millie

I agree with Seenitall.

OP if you want to maintain any sort of dignity or self respect you will not go knock on his door and require an explanation.

My mate was heartbroken and wanted to do just as you do now but 3 years down the line and she cringes when she thinks about it and is so awfully, awfully glad she didn't.

Be strong....

magneticimpulse

no, break ups are what they are, break up. He does not want to have contact with you. He didnt want to see you to break it off and he wanted to do it by MSN. So you have to understand, its completely finished, over, no more that person, you will never date that person ever again. Its over.

Do yourself a favour, keep your respect and never contact this guy again. Its just preventing you from meeting your mr.right!! One day longer thinking about this loser is one day lost finding mr.right for you.