Girlfriends Mates

LegacyUser

Ok, not a very serious problem, but one that could cause problems down the line

.Let me just start by saying that I am a confident, outgoing guy and will get along with and talk to almost anyone. I'm polite and friendly and and can hold a conversation.

I'm also well rounded and well educated and can talk for hours about sport, music and trivia.

The problem is when I'm out with my girlfriends mates. most of them work together and thats all they talk about. Either that or people they know. They never ask me about me or whenever I try to change the subject to something I can discuss, they just don't take the bait and continue to talk cr ap.

This results in me sitting there, staring into space waiting to go home. I dont really care if these people think I'm anti-social, but I love my girlfriend and dont want to piss her off. I do make an effort, but I like having interesting conversations and try not to talk rubbish. This has resulted in a few arguemtns between my and the girlfriend.

My friends do their best to include my girlfriend in conversation, and, out of respect, will only talk about things she can relate to.

I'm considering not going out with her mates anymore, I just cant hack it. They mean no harm and dont mean to exclude me, but most of the time im just a spectator to their banal conversations and in-jokes.

Any advice?

Beruthiel

My advice would be to stop going out with her when she's meeting up with her mates.
Meet up with her on a different day.

seenitall

"I'm considering not going out with her mates anymore, I just cant hack it. They mean no harm and dont mean to exclude me, but most of the time im just a spectator to their banal conversations and in-jokes."

This. That's what I would do anyway. You don't owe it to someone to be meeting them if they don't have the common decency to include you in their conversations. Talking about work while in the company of non-work related people is just plain rude. You don't owe anyone anything here, least of all your gf, if she is so obtuse as not to see the extent of her mates' rudeness that you have been having to put up with.

road_high

Sounds a bit familiar...recent ex has friends for years that he grew up with all the rest...they used often have rows and he would come home to me upset often by them...but he always ran back to them; one or two of tem in particluar just took a dislike to me personally mainly as they viewd me as a threat to taking away their precuious pal...in the end i nver went out with him mainly to avoid these people's company.
Heal of the hunt we are now broken up and he is pally pally with them as before. So that is my experience of a partners friends. Not always the case but just illustrates to me how damaging they can be, escpecially if things in the relationship are not going well.

MissMotivated

Yeah definitely stop going out with her when her friends will be there. They're just so rude!!!
I'm with my OH 4 1/2 years, we were both out one night a couple of years back and ended up going to meet about 10 of my friends, he was all up for it, and I swear they barely spoke to him, I was caught up in conversation with a couple of them and thinking he would be talking to some of the others but turned around and he was sitting in the corner on his own, I felt so bad.
Now we're a chatty bunch when we get together but some of these girls would bring out a girl they've just met and expect us to be all about them yet they coudn't even make my OH feel welcome.
Since then I have not asked him to meet them with me because I don't think he should have to sit uncomfortably with none of them making the effort. Also it recently came up with a friend that he never comes out with me to meet them and I explained why. But this girl is under the impression a boyfriend should make the effort regardless whether we do or not!!!
I think girls are like this unfortunately, my OH's friends are completely the opposite I am always more than welcome around them and they treat me as one of the lads!
Your girlfriend should understand

ilovetosing

yeah dude thats the only real solution here and altho I know you dont want to piss the GF off you can do nothing more! For me its so important that I can get on with my GF's mates and her with mine! I would avoid even mentioning it to her again because 1 - its not gonna change man and 2 they will think ur a nob end if you say it to the GF who in turns say it to her mates!

LegacyUser

hi Op,

im in the same boat, seeing my gf 1 year now and her friends are very tightly knit. I would be known as been chatty and good company but this crowd i just cant penetrate. I cant engage with them in any way, if its not old college stories they talk about it, then its people they know from the same small village they are from or holidays they all went on together. im not missing time after time they talk the same stuff, i nearly feel like ive been present at all these things ive heard the stories so much.

anyway, i felt like a knob sitting there not being able to contribute to the conversation so i managed to tackle them one by one, at the bar or when people had gone to the bathroom and slowly i managed to get to know them, but it was painful.


OP i fully feel your pain, all ill say is endure it, try to grab one or two lone to chat to them and hopefully the group will open up. otherwise i would advise saying no to invites, this way they will start to notice you arent there and eventually when you do meet them again they might make an effort with you.

Millie

MissMotivated wrote: »

I think girls are like this unfortunately, my OH's friends are completely the opposite I am always more than welcome around them and they treat me as one of the lads!
Your girlfriend should understand

Not sure about the girls you hang out with but not all girls are like this.
Most definately the gang of women I hang out with not be so rude as to exclude my OH or anybody else's.
That's just plain rude be it male or female.....

seamus

Myself and my wife tend to go out separately when we're meeting our respective friends. We didn't know eachother before we met and so I don't share any real common ground with her friends nor she with mine.

It's OK enough now with old schoolfriends as everyone has diverged somewhat, so I can actually find things to talk about, but if she's going out with colleagues, I don't go with her because I'll be bored while they talk shop all night. There's nothing wrong with this, it's normal. Talking shop is great when you work in that industry. It's torture when you don't.

So just don't go out with her and her workmates any more. Couples don't have to do everything together.

MissMotivated

Millie wrote: »

Not sure about the girls you hang out with but not all girls are like this.
Most definately the gang of women I hang out with not be so rude as to exclude my OH or anybody else's.
That's just plain rude be it male or female.....

Ok I didn't mean all girls but alot of the ones I know are like this. Saying that if there's only 3 or 4 of them they make more of an effort but there can be up to 20 of us together some nights. I find my friends who are single can be the ones who don't bother. Either way I wouldn't put him in that position again, it is plain rude

bedrock#1

age gaps can play a part in this as well. i'm 28 and my ex is 22 and her mates just talk rubbish. When we started going out i made a huge effort to get to know them but not one of them reciprocated. But then again that's the culture we live in now. Nobody of that age talks about anything except crap on facebook they joined or how many cans they drank the weekend before. Small talk is boring as hell.....

LegacyUser

OP again,

Thanks for the replies. As regards to age gap,we are the same age. Maybe I'm coming across too strong on here.

They are actually nice people and don't mean to be rude. We've been together for almost a year, but due to certain circumstances, we havn't met all of each others friends, but most, but I'm hardly the new guy.

I make an effort for my girlfriends sake, because one night I got quite frustrated and just sat there. Afterwards my girlfriend said they were asking if I was alright, and I told her exactly what was on my mind. She said I should try to make more of an effort. I gave her the benefit of the doubt and said "fine, I will".

And I did. But they share no common interests with me as regards to college, literature, music, sport. I hate to feel like I bring a bad atmosphere to the gathering.

It is not important to me if my friends and girlfriend get along or not, but out of respect they will include her in conversation. On the other hand, my girlfriend wants me to get to know her mates, so just refusing invitations would hurt her.

We don't meet with her friends that often, but whenever we do, my heart just sinks and I get into bad form! I do ttry to get them one-on-one, but its quite awkward because you run out of things to say when the weather is the only topic!

seamus

silentman wrote: »

And I did. But they share no common interests with me as regards to college, literature, music, sport. I hate to feel like I bring a bad atmosphere to the gathering.

There's nothing worse than being the lemon in the corner who has no interest in talking about what Brad and Angelina are doing this week.

If she's really insistent that you both go out together, then the best thing you can do is invite your own mates along whenever you do. Even if only one or two turn up, you'll have someone to talk to, which means that there are more diverse discussions taking place, and you might find that some of your girlfriend's mates would prefer to talk about that and in doing so, you'll get to know them better.

You often find in big groups of friends that one or two individuals tend to direct the topics of conversation, making it inaccessible for any newcomers.

John Mason

op, i know where you are coming

i limit the amount of time i spend with my oh's friends for this reason. i have nothing in common with the girls - i mean absolutely nothing. i just cant get excited about designer shoes or the fact that lilic is the in colour this season, or how brilliant the new take that song is :rolleyes:

i go out when i have too i.e. weddings and the any of the guys birthdays. the guys are great but they have this really weird thing going on where all the guys sit one end of table and the girls at the other

explain to your gf that you wont be going out with her friends unless there is an occasion but that you have no problem with her going out with them without you.

i refuse to put myself in that situation - likewise i have some friends my oh has nothing in common with and dont expect him to come out with me

Cullen82

Howya,

I've felt this pain before but you need to realise you're going out with your girlfriend not her friends.

Just keep it civil and try to go on these nights out (with her friends) as little as possible - Yeah her friends are probably not interested in you (because you're untouchable) but who really cares - They're not going to make your life any better so just get on with it.

You have'nt said what age you are but I'm presuming they're on the young side - 20's max...they'll grow up eventually !

PS. Whatever you do DONT ever argue with your girlfriend about her friends

LegacyUser

Thanks for all the advice, I was thinking of not going out with them anymore, but thought it was bad form on my part. I can now go to bed with a guilt-free conscience!

I do realise I'm going out with her and not her mates, and she's a great girl and I really see a future in this. I just don't want it to cause problems down the line, because I am quite opinionated but realise for a relationship to work, it takes sacrifices on bith sides.

Thanks again, and all the best.