Always wondering..

backwards

Hi

I’m wondering if anyone has any advice or thoughts about this?

Ok so, went out with a girl for a good number of years. Very serious, and madly in love.
We broke up just over 2 years ago, due to our individual lives being empty. Losing independence, and losing all touch with friends. We both ended up very unhappy, our lives were missing friends, hobbies, and we seeked all our entertainment from eachother, and breaking up was what we needed to do, or end up in a marriage to fill the gap.

It was tough, but we’ve both got through it.

Recently she contacted me asking me about my life, and telling me she wonders if what was wrong in the relationship now is fixed. She still wonders. I replied telling her I am very happy, but I too wonder etc, and I wonder if I’ll regret never giving it another go. We both feel the same now about eachother. She is travelling with her boyfriend that she met 2 months after we broke up, and they lived together, probably still do. They have gone over a lot of the same route that she and I did a few years ago traveling.

She replied saying that she would love a chance to meet for coffee and see how we are together. I explained that I need the next year to do my own things with no distractions. Of course I would love to meet her, but I really need this time, sometimes we have to do things for our own good.

However she is travelling still and will be for a while, as she has to be fair to her boyfriend and not leave him stranded. (But I’m not sure where that leaves us? All this has been said, but everything’s slow motion? What does that mean?)

So where this leaves me, wondering about her, is she still the same person? Have I grown differently to her? Wondering that because we both feel we still love eachother, do we actually? Wondering if other people go through this and just get on with their lives? Wondering if she deserves another chance because of how she hurt me completely replacing our relationship with someone new? Wondering everything?

Any thoughts..? Anyone in similar situations? Any opinions?

Thanks for your help.

Quazzie

Well one thing that sticks out to me is that she seemingly is willing to turn her back on her current boyfriend of two years to meet up with you. My question is, do you think that someone who could do that is the type of person you want to be with?

If you spend the next year wondering what could have been it'll be a wasted year and you'll end up exactly where you were back then. Whether you can or cannot work it out is irrelevant to whether you actually want to work it out. Every single decision you make in life can be questioned and if you spend your life wondering about whether you made the right or wrong decision then you'll eventually stop living life now and end up living in the past.

Its seems from your story that you were a passing thought in her day and since she's got in touch she's been the predominant thought in yours.

Peggypeg

Well you won't know if it'll work until you try. There no way anyone here can answer that for you. Just wait until she's single before you contact her again. It's a bit sick of her to contact you when she's with someone, sick and cruel. If you want to do the right thing you'll tell her that you would like to try again and she should contact you when she's single, and only when she's single would I discuss this with her. She sounds like a user to me, so maybe you're better off without her to be honest. What kind of person contacts an ex and says those things when they're already in a relationship? That's just selfish and nasty.

backwards

Hi Folks,

Thanks for the quick replies.

You're right, what I want to do, and what I think might happen are different things. I suppose I want to give it another go, sometime in the future.

In terms of her turning her back on her boyfriend. She doesn't love him. She said she has gotten swept away with things. She has a fear of hurting anybody in the same way as she has been hurt before through our breakup, and struggles to face up to the truth. I suppose she went along with things after I pushed her away, and asked her never to contact me again, regardless of how she may feel. Am I a bad person because I broke up with my OH, because it wasn't right, and because my ex was always in the back of my mind?

Admittidely, she shouldn't contact while still with someone. It was a smple email to begin with and I asked the questions. And she answered open and honestly.

The Person I used to go out with, never betrayed me, never gave me any reason to doubt the love. We were 7 years together. We lived together for 6.5. I know her pretty well. Perhaps the breakup has changed her into this kind of person though? Perhaps she is now someone selfish that would turn their back on someone?

I've just assumed she went into a huge rebound thing, and has stayed in it because she's not strong enough to get out of it... ? I could be wrong?

Peggypeg

Regardless of why she's in the relationship, she is. Being weak and not wanting to hurt someone does not mean it's ok to string someone along until you get back with your ex. I really think you're missing the point. She's with someone, she's not single, leave it alone until she is. Don't promise her anything, don't break up that relationship or you'll be just as nasty as she's being.

Also why the hell is she with someone she doesn't love for 2 years? Does he know that? Honestly getting the feeling you're better off without that one.

LegacyUser

selfish and nasty? maybe, but should she stay with the guy she is with now, just to suit him? It could be best for both of them in the long run.
Maybe she doesn't want to rock the boat just now while they are off in some far flung country travelling.

On the other hand, she is going to be sharing a bed with that guy travelling, but knowing full well, she isn't into him.

I say go with the gut feeling, and if the gut tells you to give it another lash, so be it, but I suppose, think over the reasons why you broke up the first time around.
People change, for sure, and maybe this time around it could work.

Why did she get in touch with you? If she didn't think of you , she wouldn't have. Maybe it's reawakened some dormant thoughts you had of her.

I wouldn't agree with "she sounds like a user". How do we know? Is she using yer man for money? I suppose you could say she should just return home ,and not stay with him.

Tell her if she's single, you'll meet up and would love to consider it, but it wouldn't be fair on yer man for her to string him out longterm. Watch that space particularly...

Best of luck. It's nice to liked...

backwards

Peggypeg

I should have mentioned that I would never ever consider breaking up a relationship. I would never force anything that wasn't natural.

Previous to her contacting me, I had been in contact with her Sister (genuine issues that concerned me). Sortly after that I got the email from her, asking how I am. (Maybe I indirectly initiated her contacting me.)
My reply to her simply stated that I too wonder. I emphasised the fact that I need the next year and maybe longer to do my own things, as does she by the sounds of things. And maybe someday in the future we could meet for coffee (obviously if both of us were single).

In my last post I was only trying to explain that the person I used to know is not a nasty person by nature. It's not right what she's doing, and I feel terrible for her boyfriend. But she has to live her life.

You can love someone, but not be in love? Like I was with my ex for over a year. I couldn't help not being in love. All my friends tried to convince that it was normal. But in the end I eventually realised it wasn't right, and I wasn't in love.

I have made no promises and I have told her not to make any to me.

Thanks for your feedback.

backwards

Hi gowiththegut

So she has told me that she does not want to leave her OH stranded as he would be uncomfortable about that. She signed up to go traveling with him, and does not want to desert him. She said she would be home in the morning if it was only herself to think about.

When she got in touch, she said it was strange that I had been in contact with her sister, because she thinks about us all the time. She wonders about everything, and regrets so much.

I won't put any ultimatums on her to break up. I want her to be happy regardless of what that means. What will be will be. She knows what's best for her and her life. I don't want to get in the way of fate. I want her to do whatever she wants to do. If she wants me then she will do whatever's right. Then if she wants me, she will still want me when I am ready to consider something again.

I would doubt very much she is a user. If anything she is the one going the extra mile for her OH.

Thanks for this gowiththegut. Sometimes I think I am too soft. But I only want what's right. I am not waiting for her. I am meeting other Girls. I am loving my life, and enjoying having all my hobbies, friends, and independance back. I do love her, very much. But I am a strong person and am not selfish. And I only want what's right both of us.

Us as a couple were soul mates in every way. But spending 6 years together, only with eachother, in the end left us empty inside. Us working again is not a case of us changing who we are. Simply was a case of getting our own individual lives back on track and feeling happy in ourselves.

LegacyUser

backwards, I know exactly where you are coming from.....

backwards

So... tell me.
Am I being too soft with her? I don't feel that i am. I feel like I'm just leting her do what she wants to do.

I just want someone to tell me I am not crazy to not let it bother me too much that she is doing what she is doing and what she has done? Don't get me wrong, it hurt at the time. Now all that seems to matter is that there could be a day when we could be together again!

Me being able to rise above this stuff, does it mean I am better off without her? Or maybe that's something I have to face to know if I'm better off without her or not?

Cheers

LegacyUser

do you think she would break up with the guy but still stay travelling. That has happened to people...
You should get on with your life for now, and keep in touch if she gets in touch, and play it by ear. If it's meant to be.....

backwards

Maybe she should...
She did tell me that she is not happy in general. She doesn't want to be traveling at the moment. She wants to be back home near friends and family and think about what she wants from life.

If they broke up I guess she would go home, which would leave her OH in a bit of a hole!

I don't know if I'm too gullable sometimes!

LegacyUser

well, she's putting someone else before herself by what she's telling you, which is not a bad thing, as in she is considerate to who she is with now, not wanting to hurt his feelings, even though she seems to have a thing for you still.
But there comes a time when she will have to please herself not others. I am guilty of that, of pleasing others except myself...Sometimes that ain't good..
If I were in your shoes, I'd be a bit cagey about it all, just as a defence mechanism. Don't drop your guard, but if at the back of your mind, you'd like to give it a shot, then keep that fire burning. You only get one shot at life, and it doesn't matter what anyone else on here says, go with the gut. There is a girl/woman out there somewhere in the world, with another guy, who is thinking of you. F**k, that has to stand for something (to me anyway)....

backwards

Thanks :-D
You just made me smile!

I too am guilty of putting before me sometimes.! nightmare! I think it has to be done sometimes.

I wanted to make sure that I am not being too gulable in all of this. That my gut feeling is not a stupid one, and that her reasons are genuine.

I am very cagey. And as I said what's ment to be will be. In the meantime, I am very happy knowing she still loves me, and maybe thinks of me. So I guess if we love eachother now, we will do in 10 years.

Maybe then we might both be in a position to try something out!

LegacyUser

She's with another guy, maybe now she realises what she really wants....(you)

LegacyUser

she is a user because she is using her boyfriend. she does not love him and still stay with him for 2 years, for emotional reasons (rebound, comfort, avoidance to face herself after the break-up). only she is a 'nice' user.

while she doesn't want to hurt others, it is just because SHE herself is afraid to be that bad guy. if she sincerely is thinking for her boyfriend, even though she does not love him, she should break up with him ASAP.

BUT, as we are human being, we all are selfish. and love is something complicated. who is at no fault?

even though you guys will get back, be aware to give her time and space to clear up the pieces from her current relationship. better give her time to be a single a while to sort herself out. although she does not love the guy, surely there are a lot emotions to end the relationship of 2 years. i believed they once have happy moments as you guys did.

yes, follow your gut, but face the reality as well, be aware not to 'romantise' the union.

backwards

I have a lot I want to do for myself in the next year or maybe more. And by the looks of things after her rebound for so long she will need time for herself.

Yes if the time is right sometime in the future, and we are both single, then we can consider meeting, if by that time we still both want to.

I can see both sides of the arguement here, and was hoping I wasn't being too gullable. I think her reasons for staying with her boyfriend are genuine. But I wondered what everyone's opinion would be on the matter.

Being selfish is an unfair term here, I think. It's very difficult when you come out of a long term relationship to know what is what, what's love. What you had didn't work, so maybe it's ment to be different. Maybe it's normal to not feel head over heels in love with someone. These were just my thoughts over the past few years. I imagine it's the same for most after a very long term relationship.
So being selfish is a part of it, but I can understand that maybe she doesn't want to let her partner down.

My ex and I broke up a good few months back. I have not dated any other girls, and this has made things easier on her. (We are friends). I also spent weeks talking things through with her and helping her to understand how I felt. Most people told me break up and cut contact. But she's a great girl. I just didn't feel how I should have. But she never did anything wrong, so I feel she deserves to be treated well, and she didn't deserve to be ditched.

We don't know if my ex is telling her boyfriend she loves him every day. If she is, then this is wrong, but perhaps she is having a normal relationship, with no promises. (Who in their right mind, goes into a relationship with a girl single for 2 months after being in an intense long term thing for best part of a decade, and expects it to end up in marriage, blisful love, or happy ever after.) All I'm saying is we can't judge on what we don't know.

Thanks..

LegacyUser

I was not judging anything or any one. But was just trying to show your the other side of a coin, which you were trying to paint it in rosey colours.

I dont need to know the whole story, I don't need to know the intentions or her heart.

But the behaviour of being with someone you know you dont love and allowing yourself to express your feelings to an ex. while you are still with the person that you don't love is not a bit decent behaviour. This is a fact.

If she is not clear about her love to her present boyfriend and still want to try, it's acceptable. But if she is with him just because of guilt and fear (to break people's heart), it's very inconsiderate of her.

But again, if I were her, I may be the same. If I were you, I may be the same.

I can feel you still have strong feelings for her. Maybe I am wrong.

I wish things work out for you.

And maybe it's better that you stop dating for awhile so to be fair to those girls who are seeing/ going to see you (unless they know things are casual and most probably going nowhere).

sbsquarepants

I'll keep this short and to the point OP.
This would be a big mistake in my opinion, how many cases have you ever encountered where getting back with an ex worked out well? I personally don't know of a single one. She's your ex for a reason, and she's also proving herself to be less than trustworthy. I'm sure you care about her and her about you, but that doesn't mean jack s'hit when it comes right down to it.
Leave the past in the past, would be my advice.