What can I do to put an end to my ex's issues?

LegacyUser

Hi, I broke up with my ex almost 3 years ago, just because I was 19 and it fizzled out. We had been together since the start of college and so we had made all the same friends. It was a very friendly split at first, until last January. I had moved on and assumed he had too though we hadn't seen each other with a new guy/girl. Then I met a great new guy in college. I did not flaunt this or anything but my friends did know about him. Around this time, my ex's best friend, who had always been quite malicious and manipulative, a sh*t stirrer, seemed to use this new guy to turn my ex against me. My ex couldn't see that he was being manipulated. And still can't.

The ex started showing up at my house (which I shared with mutual friends) for "tea" etc. after nights out and say strange things to my new guy, inappropriate comments, etc. Eventually it got so bad that I called him out on it and told him I felt his best friend was manipulating him and that his comments towards my new guy were wrong. This conversation was drunken and I know I should have said this stuff sober but I know I wasn't unreasonable or overly harsh in what I said.

However, since then, instantly and ongoing for the last year and a few months, he has completely changed. He hates me. Like, actual genuine frightening hatred. And although we are finished college, we see each other a lot because I live with college friends and he lives an hour away, at home on the dole. I have tried numerous times to ask him to just get past it and be friends, but he won't even talk to me. I've then reduced it to asking him to at least stop with the open hostility around our friends as it makes everyone awkward, but he won't listen. He won't talk to me at all. He holds such true hatred for me that it scares me. My friends all notice it and the girls think he's scary but a lot of my circle are guys and they just don't realise that I don't want things to be like this. They seem think it goes both ways but all I want to do is sort it. I don't talk about it to them because I feel its wrong to put them in the middle but maybe he's bad mouthing me to them, I don't know. I get the impression he is but that they ignore it.

Its so bad that on a night out in our group, if I'm having a good time, just dancing with the guys and the girls, not flirting with someone or doing anything unusual, and he just stops, stands to the side and glares at us. Like the mere fact I'm enjoying the night ruins it for him. Two weeks ago, he even went so far as to go for me and try to punch me on a night out, and he slapped another friends girlfriend in the face just because she was chatting to me and dancing with me. He was actually insane, out of nowhere. In a way, at least this incident shows my friends that he is very hostile without being provoked, they had to hold him back to stop him attacking me. He even texted to apologise, which I'm sure really pained him to do, and I think he only did this because our friends gave out to him. I replied thanking him for apologising and telling him that we have to stop the hostility for our friends sake. He didn't reply to that.

Since then, nothing has changed. I just don't understand why he's so angry in the first place, and why, so long afterwards, this hatred hasn't dulled. Some friends think he still loves me and is bitter. But is that really it? I don't see why. Is it just the manipulative friend? If I claim it is, I sound like I'm being bitchy. I even worry that maybe he's depressed or something, sitting at home. But then again, he was like this during our final year of college too. What can I do to fix this? I hate to think that my friends might think its my fault, and I hate that perfectly nice college reunions, etc. are being ruined by this. But I feel its gone way too long to text or anything. What can I do??

LegacyUser

if he's threatening to hit you, or your girl friends, you should go to the gardai. sounds pretty unstable to me, and very bitter and pent up. Don't let it get out of control...

Gyalist

Unfortunately, you can't put an end to your ex's issues. All you can do is take steps to protect yourself. The guy seems to be obsessive and willing to resort to violence. It's up to your social circle to exclude him from their activities. It may also be a good idea to have a word with your local gardai so at least that they have a record of your concern.

Although you meant well, it was probably a mistake to reply to his text. The lesson that he would have learned from this is that bad behaviour is guaranteed to get your attention, especially since he hasn't faced any real sanction for his actions. Cut all contact with him and let your friends know that you don't want to be around him.

If he can't let go of the past, that's his problem and trying to be friendly and cordial to him is actually rewarding his appalling behaviour.

OS119

omgomg wrote: »

if he's threatening to hit you, or your girl friends, you should go to the gardai. sounds pretty unstable to me, and very bitter and pent up. Don't let it get out of control...

^^^that^^^.

but i'd add that if this guy is belting other people, in public and around your social group, just for talking to you, then your social group ought to be asking questions as to why he's included.

if however your 'friends' think its entrely reasonable for your ex to thump random women who talk to you, i'd suggest that you get yourself some new friends pretty sharpish!

Peggypeg

hey OP,

First of all BIG HUG, that is an extremely stressful situation. To give you your dues you've handled it really really well.

I'm only out of a somewhat similar situation but defo not as bad as the one you describe. I had a fight with my best friend in August of last year. We had all the same friends so it was very ackward for everyone involved. Thankfully we made up about a month ago and it was a great relief to everyone. Our group would be extremely caring and we're all v. supportive of each other so when this happened no one took sides. Everyone made sure to stay in contact and socialise with both of us and so it's been really easy to get back into the friendship because other issues haven't arisen from it.

The situation you describe sounds like a f*cking nightmare, like mine only 10 times worse!!! My advice would be to continue on as you have and just continue on reacting in the same mature, polite and let's face it; sane manner. I know it's desparately unfair but if you do anything else you'll be putting yourself in the wrong. People will eventually see him for what he is (a phycho) and they'll stop wanting to be around him. However, if he's violent towards you I would report him to the Gardaí, no one should EVER put up with crap like that. To be honest I wouldn't be blaming his friend, maybe he is manipulating him but if he is your ex is allowing himself to be manipulated. So yeah my advice is just to continue ignoring him and getting on with things, eventually he'll realise what a knobhead he's being and so will everyone else. Also you'll come out of this with your dignity and self respect intact, I doubt he will.

The very best of luck.

seenitall

This sounds way more serious than "just" bitterness and hatred toward you. The way he sounds from your description, there are some mental health issues going on there, and people like that who are showing violent tendencies should be dealt with very strictly and efficiently, ASAP... in an ideal world.

I have to admit, violence scares the hell out of me and I would have been making sure that even that first incident you witnessed gets reported to Gardai. Please do this without delay if he ever pulls a stunt like that again. I know that, unfortunately, Gardai can't do much until someone gets hurt, but involving them even in a minor way sends a strong message to him and those around him that you are no easy victim.

The best of luck to you.

LegacyUser

OP here, thanks for the replies so far.

I agree that there seem to be mental health issues, but I'm not in any postition really to help him. If I try to do anything, likelihood is I'll be seen as overreacting, and that my ex's friends and family will think I'm trying to sabotage or punish him in some way by claiming he has mental issues. I tried to tell his older brother, who is a neighbour and who I am still friendly with, that I'm worried about him. The brother said my ex won't talk to anyone except his best friend, and agreed that this best friend is manipulating my ex.

Most of my female friends have moved to a different city. The friends that I have left close by who know my ex are all male and even though they are truly good friends in many ways, they're just a bit useless at getting involved where there are emotional issues. Like they wouldn't be a great shoulder to cry on after a break up or that. They're just typical lads! I genuinely think that they don't realise how bad his behaviour has become, they're almost oblivious. It seems crazy to me that they don't see this, but after one or two of them asking me why I don't just make up with the ex, I realise that they don't have a clue just how bad the situation is.

A good few of them saw the incident where he went for me, but only two of them came said anything afterwards (these two comforted me and told me that they all knew what he was like) and it was never mentioned again by anyone. I suspect one of the guys who comforted me is the one who made my ex text and apologise, because it was his girlfriend that was slapped for dancing with me so I am sure he was angry. Apart from that, I just think none of them are willing to get involved. Maybe its my fault, I do tend to put up a front and so maybe they don't realise how scared and upset this makes me.

Should I say it out to them and ask them for help? I just don't see them doing anything about it. Remember, he wasn't always like this. I remember him as a fun and normal guy, and that's probably how they still see him, whereas in my eyes he has changed completely.

As for the guards, I just don't think anything good will come from it. While obviously its not ok for him to go around slapping girls, the incident I described was the worst it has gotten (so far) and no-one was really hurt. If I go to the guards, my friends will definitely think I'm either overreacting or attention seeking, and the guards probably wouldn't give me the time of day.

Do you think I should risk losing my friends (I'm not saying they'd abandon me actively but they would surely distance themselves from me in an effort to stay out of it) and try to get this guy help, or go to the police? I just don't know what to do but I'm stuck in this living situation, with no-one nearby to talk to, for at least the next year or two.