So I have this friend.....

LegacyUser

Seriously, its a friend, not me!

She really likes this guy she works with and isn't sure how he feels.
They have been working together for over a year and get on really well. She's liked him for ages but isn't sure how he feels.
They spend a lot of time together, meeting up for coffee and after work for drinks etc, usually at his suggestion. He spends a lot more time with her than anyone else he works with. He's a 'guy's guy', all his mates are guys, so its a bit odd he is deciding to spend so much time with my friend if it's only as friends. But he has made no moves, at all, despite having plenty of opportunity. He isn't the type to get off with random girls anyway - as far as she knows he has not been with any girls since she's known him. And no he's not gay (allegedly!).

Everyone they work with, including her boss, have asked if there is something going on between them. They keep making comments about some 'vibe' between them, that they seem nice together - I've noticed it too even though I'm very rarely in their company, he seems to have a lot more time and respect for her than for others. Its gotten to the stage that some people at work don't believe her when she says they're not together and think they're just keeping it a secret. They even avoid them when they see them having coffee together as they think they are interrupting something.

So its come to a head and she has decided to tell him how she feels. She text him to tell him she wants to talk about something, something personal, and does not want to discuss it at work. She has mentioned this a few times now, but he seems to be avoiding having this discussion. Otherwise he is acting normally.

Basically she is fed up. Does he like her or not? If not why is he sending mixed messages? We both reckon he must be blind or stupid if he doesn't realise how it looks to everyone and what people are thinking.
Does he know well what she wants to talk about and is avoiding the issue? - very unfair IMO.
Even if he's not interested, everyone thinks something is going on and she's worried this may prevent her from meeting someone else.

So any advice? Should she pin him down (figuratively!) and just tell him? Or is the ball now in his court?
Is he 'just not that into her' and should she cut her loses and move on?

Any (constructive) advice greatly appreciated!!!

LegacyUser

I may well get outvoted on this, but I vote for "Tell him".

Sometimes the most intelligent of people have incredible stupidity issues when it comes to picking up signs. Could be a confidence issue either. I've busted my ass flirting around guys who didn't react and didnt reciprocate until I spelled out how I felt. They said in one case they were too shy & in others that they just couldnt believe that someone was being that forward with them, or that they were getting the signals wrong.

Either drop heavier hints or pin him down (figuratively or literally, your choice) and tell him.

jdivision

The text she sent him, it would sound to me that she wants to talk to him about a boyfriend or some guy she likes. She should just ask him to his face to go for a beer and while there say that you know we're such good mates, do you think we could be more?

LegacyUser

Well she did intend to tell him, but feels he may be giving signals now that he doesn't want to have that particular conversation. I mean he can't be completely stupid! So she's wondering if she should save herself the embarrasment.

Its unlikely he thinks she wants to talk to him about another guy she likes, he's not the person she would chose to have that sort of conversation with.

Your right on the being shy/lacking confidence part. They are both kinda of shy, not the kind of people to flirt obviously with someone or 'pounce' on anyone (mores the pity, maybe).

She only once ever got up the courage to tell a guy she liked him, and it didnt go well....

Its more than just a question of 'will I tell him or wont I' - she's kind of angry at him for kinda stringing her on (intentionally or otherwise) and now apparently avoiding the issue thats been bubbling under the surface for a long time, and expecting things to go on as before. Could of course be he is totally oblivious, but even that is infuriating!!
Also, they work together, so could get awkward.

But essentially I agree, she should tell him, she needs to know I guess, one way or another. I've told her in the long run, regret is the hardest emotion to deal with.

LegacyUser

Soihavethisfriend wrote: »

Could of course be he is totally oblivious, but even that is infuriating!!

Infuriating? Yup. But also a very likely answer. Really. The vast majority of males are completely oblivious to signals, or, as I said earlier, they DO pick them up then convince themselves that they've obviously read them incorrectly, so they never act on them.

Your friend should grab life with both hands. Should she hear the wrong answer, it may sting short term, but never knowing the answer at all will play on her mind for years to come.

MrKingsley

Soihavethisfriend wrote: »

Well she did intend to tell him, but feels he may be giving signals now that he doesn't want to have that particular conversation. I mean he can't be completely stupid! So she's wondering if she should save herself the embarrasment.


Its more than just a question of 'will I tell him or wont I' - she's kind of angry at him for kinda stringing her on (intentionally or otherwise) and now apparently avoiding the issue thats been bubbling under the surface for a long time, and expecting things to go on as before. Could of course be he is totally oblivious, but even that is infuriating!!

I wouldnt put it past the guy to be completely stupid. I had a similar situation recently when a girl from work who i was friends with asked me what the story was with us. Turns out that i should have seen all these 'signals'.

Even though i did like her i never actually convinced myself that she could have been into me so i kept my mouth shut til then. im definitely glad that she brought it up though.

The work thing might be awkward but if the option is between maybe ending up with someone she really likes or maybe having a couple of awkward weeks in work then she should ask him what the story is. She has very little to lose i think and like i said he might just be stupid:)