Not attracted to gay people!

Nean

Hey guys,
So I'm a closeted gay guy in my mid 20's, and I'm pretty sure no one knows. I've loads of straight guy friends, and I'm pretty sure that most people couldn't guess that I was gay . One of the (many) reasons why I haven't come out is that I'm just not attracted to other gay guys, only straight ones. I know, it's ridiculous. Well some aren't bad to look at I guess but when they start talking I just get turned off. Truth be told, I don't know a lot of gays, but the ones I do know of and all the gay celebrities on TV all seem to have a certain aura about them (even the one's that are not over-the-top flamboyant) that just turns me off. Hope I haven't offened anyone, I don't have a problem with them, I'm just not attracted. For anyone who's been on the scene for a while, do other people like me (straight-acting gay guys) exist or am I completely F U CK E D?

Annasopra

No, there are lots of people that are gay but not stereotypically gay, you just have to look - for example, The Rainbow Warriors Rugby Team or some of the football teams - are you into any sports - this is a good place to start

Tricity Bendix

Nean wrote: »

I'm just not attracted to other gay guys, only straight ones. I know, it's ridiculous.

Its not ridiculous at all. You're attracted to masculinity, and there's nothing wrong or even uncommen with that. Most of the readily-identifiable gay people are only identified so readily becase you can pick up on their effeminite/camp/non-masculine traits. But really gay men come in every shape and size and hue, and not all of them are 'on the scene'. I know if I had relied on the scene to find someone I'd most likely be a very lonely person.

Dwn Wth Vwls

I would say the type of person you're interested in may even be the majority. Perhaps not, but there's certainly no shortage of them. You should definitely try the various social or sports groups. You don't really need to be out either, you're not going to bump into your straight friends there.

Reflector

Not to be too critical but have you thought that maybe your not fancying of gay people may be a reflection of how you see yourself. A lot of gay people experience this and I believe it comes from two sides.

1. A problem with homosexuality and internal homophobia that when the person hears that someone is gay they immediately see it as a turn off .

2. An admiration for straight guys as they are off leading a life that you desire, scoring girls, one of the lads etc.

You need to take a look at where you are heading relationship wise, I don't believe that you don't fancy gay guys at all but you need to accept your own sexuality and love yourself for it.

You have to love yourself before anyone else will.

Tricity Bendix

Not every gay guy who finds typically masculine traits attractive has internalised homophobia.

Reflector

Yeah I know this but it's just from the OP's post. I think its important that if he does come out he acknowledges that it may be something rooted deeper than this.

Kanoe

not sure about internalised homophobia but I understand the tenets. Initially I found it difficult to relate to more obviously gay women, their sexuality practically defined them and I'm too lazy to try work out who they are rather than what they are. I do find feminine qualities attractive though - and less intimidating. I'm curious about this "aura", what does it say to you personally?

Nean

cheers for the replies guys. Truth be told, I only fully came out to myself last week. I've always known, but being gay was something I tried not to think about as it would just depress the **** outta me. Then one sleepless night last week I started thinking about my situation and for the first time in my life it didn't feel bad to be gay. I don't know why.
Reflector, I don't think what you said is 100% true but your post definitely struck a note. I definitely went through a long period of self loathing and homophobia, as I'm sure a lot of gay people have, but I thought I'd gotten over that. Maybe I haven't, but I think I'm on the right road. Even posting here anonymously is a huge step for me.
I have it in mind to come out to everyone this summer, but the fact that I don't appear to be attracted to other gay people is kind of making me think what's the point, I might as well spend the rest of my life with a woman.
Again, I don't mean to offend or sound ridiculous, but I just can't wrap my head around how gay guys find feminine qualities in other men attractive. After all, being gay is about not being attracted to femininity in the first place, right?

Reflector

Hi Nean,
Fair play, I know it seems like there is noone else like you but thats not true. A lot of guys go through what you are feeling. You have to remember that you are not attracted to every straight guy and therefore will not be attracted to every gay guy either. There's plenty of masculine guys out there and believe me you will meet them once you are ready to.
Best of luck

Annasopra

Nean wrote: »

the fact that I don't appear to be attracted to other gay people is kind of making me think what's the point

The point is really that you are not attracted to stereotypically gay men - ie men who are camp, effeminate. As lots of us have pointed out gay men come in all shapes and sizes and there are lots of them who are masculine

stephen_n

Johnnymcg wrote: »

No, there are lots of people that are gay but not stereotypically gay, you just have to look - for example, The Rainbow Warriors Rugby Team or some of the football teams - are you into any sports - this is a good place to start

Take it you meant emerald warriors?

There are a few guys on the team so straight acting that i thought they were straight and was kind of shocked when they weren't!

O/P I would imagine there is a possibility that the reason you don't like gay acting people and I'm not talking about OTT ones is maybe they reflect something of your own supressed personality which would be quite uncomfortable to deal with. I don't think there is any TYPE of gay person, this idea of straight acting or "flamboyant" being the only two options is a myth IMO there are all sorts of degrees involved in the difference and alot has to do with how comfortable people are with themselves. I have actually found myself acting "flamboyant" at times to fit in when that is not who I am at all but as I became more comfortable with my own sexuality I was able to just act how I felt!

Beruthiel

Nean wrote: »

Then one sleepless night last week I started thinking about my situation and for the first time in my life it didn't feel bad to be gay. I don't know why.

Can I just say, in order to accept others, you must first accept yourself.
As you've only just done that last week, I would suggest that you relax and give yourself time. The rest will come.

Untense

Nean wrote:

... I just can't wrap my head around how gay guys find feminine qualities in other men attractive. After all, being gay is about not being attracted to femininity in the first place, right?

Who says all gay guys find effeminacy attractive? Do you think you're the only one who doesn't or something?

Nean wrote:

Truth be told, I don't know a lot of gays...

And yet you're writing all gay men off as if you've met them, even the ones that you might find attractive.
Not all gay men are effeminate. But you're right, he ones you find attractive aren't very forthcoming, so you might as well just stay in the closet and date women...

L1011

Untense wrote: »

Who says all gay guys find effeminacy attractive? Do you think you're the only one who doesn't or something?

In fact, going off recent discussion here, those that have effeminate traits and/or find them attractive are quite likely in the minority on here!

TylerIE

Nean wrote: »

Hey guys,
So I'm a closeted gay guy in my mid 20's, and I'm pretty sure no one knows. I've loads of straight guy friends, and I'm pretty sure that most people couldn't guess that I was gay . One of the (many) reasons why I haven't come out is that I'm just not attracted to other gay guys, only straight ones. I know, it's ridiculous. Well some aren't bad to look at I guess but when they start talking I just get turned off. Truth be told, I don't know a lot of gays, but the ones I do know of and all the gay celebrities on TV all seem to have a certain aura about them (even the one's that are not over-the-top flamboyant) that just turns me off. Hope I haven't offened anyone, I don't have a problem with them, I'm just not attracted. For anyone who's been on the scene for a while, do other people like me (straight-acting gay guys) exist or am I completely F U CK E D?

I used to feel very much like that and also felt totally F * * * * D also - and considered that I may as well just get married as im not really into gay guys!

Like so many other posters have said its just because the "normal" or "straight acting gays" are not flamboyant that you dont know them.

A big step in actually coming to terms was one night in town when I was yet again walking up and down Georges st considering going to the Dragon for the first time... And on Dame St I see this guy who I think is absolutely stunning, obviously looks after his image/fitness (But not excessively), I hear him talking to his friends and hear a normal mens south dublin accent. I assume hes going to one of the normal clubs and when hes walking up Georges St in front of me he goes into the dragon.... At the door I hear him talking about the boyfriend being inside... There has been a few milestones for me and that was one - realising and seeing that a "normal" and "straight acting" guy could actually be "out" and in a relationship with another guy...

Originally I only knew Graham Norton types and the (as someone else put it) the "three beer queers" who were and will always be closeted and "straight"...


But I got to meet a few guys who you wouldnt assume were gay - who were sound, lived a life, had friends, a social life, plans, etc!!!

Untense

lst wrote: »

But I got to meet a few guys who you wouldnt assume were gay - who were sound, lived a life, had friends, a social life, plans, etc!!!

Lived a life and had plans....? I must be operating on an old copy of the gay agenda.