fiancee wont set the date

LegacyUser

after 6 months of dating i proposed to my partner 2 months ago. we have a great relationship i knew she was the one for me after 2 weeks. i think about her constantly always try to do nice things for her, i get on very well with her family and its the same in return. we said we would start planning the wedding immeditaely and look at buying a house and talk about starting a family. my mum has been buying her bridal magazines and she has hardly looked at them. we know our wedding budget and its pretty reasonable so she can have a nice wedding but she doesnt seem bothered? anytime i bring it up with her she just says yeah maybe we will see and then has something to do like dinner or her phone or anything. she is drop dead gorgeous and while i dont think im in the same league i havent changed since she met me and fell in love with me. ive taken her on two weekends away to see wedding venues, in one place she went to the spa instead of looking at the banqueting hall. she said she had already seen it online? she really doesnt seem interested and ive no idea whats going on. any ideas

slowmoe

maybe she just wants a bit of time to enjoy being engaged. it sounds like you have a fairly full steam ahead relationship, 6 months isn't long to be in relationship before you're engaged although of course it works for some people. i would guess that between the romantic breaks turning into wedding locations and bridal mags from your mum aftre 6 months she is probably just feeling pressure with the house and kids stuff too.

i would guess the best thing to do is talk to her and see if this is the problem and maybe take a weekend break that is solely about romance and enjoying this new stage in your relationship without pushing her into the next before she is ready. people still need time to prepare for being married when thay are engaged. not everybody is ready to get married the second they get engaged.

congratulations op and good luck

Chinafoot

no date wrote: »

after 6 months of dating i proposed to my partner 2 months ago. we have a great relationship i knew she was the one for me after 2 weeks. i think about her constantly always try to do nice things for her, i get on very well with her family and its the same in return. we said we would start planning the wedding immeditaely and look at buying a house and talk about starting a family.

How old are you both? You got engaged very quickly and maybe she feels a bit pressured with all this talk of buying a house and having babies. Why do you feel the need to rush it all? Like the previous poster said, maybe she just wants to enjoy being engaged and being in a relationship with you without the stresses of a mortgage and children. Most people have a few years together before they take on all that responsibility, maybe she wants that for herself but feels like she can't tell you because you're being very full-on.

no date wrote: »

my mum has been buying her bridal magazines and she has hardly looked at them. we know our wedding budget and its pretty reasonable so she can have a nice wedding but she doesnt seem bothered? anytime i bring it up with her she just says yeah maybe we will see and then has something to do like dinner or her phone or anything.

First of all, tell your mother to stop buying her wedding magazines. Yes its a nice gesture but it also adds pressure that she doesn't need. The wedding plans should be down to the both of you, not either of your parents. I'm not suggesting that your mother is trying to interfere, but your fiancee may not be too keen on your mam supplying her with the mags.

Having a decent budget doesn't mean she wants to get married right now this second. Its not always about the big wedding that you've dreamed of since you were a little girl.

no date wrote: »

she really doesnt seem interested and ive no idea whats going on. any ideas

Have you asked her? If you're planning to marry this girl then you need to sort out the lines of communication here. Ask her why she doesn't want to set a date.

Equally, look at your own part in this and ask yourself if you are moving too fast and pushing her towards something she isn't ready for. Maybe she's freaked out and doesn't know how to tell you. Ask yourself why you need a date set right now? Why can't you just be happy in the relationship as it is now and get to know each other a lot more?

Peggypeg

Hey OP,

After reading your post, if I were your gf, I would be long gone, honestly you wouldn't see me for dust. Talk about smothering!!!! You only know each other 8 months and you're pissed that she's dragging her heels when you have a wedding, house, family and kids to get sorted. Slow down for god's sake or you're going to lose her. Honestly if you were my bf I would be freaked out and long gone. Maybe she wants to have fun and all you're offering is mortgage repayments, loans, labour, ****ty nappies and huge responsibilities, maybe they were her long term plans and now you want her to move them to short term plans? Give her some time and space. Do you actually want and love her? To me it sounds like you're in a race to get wife, house and kids ticked off your list. How old are you? I'm not trying to be funny but is there a good reason this all has to be done immediately?

muinteoir09

Peggypeg wrote: »

Hey OP,

After reading your post, if I were your gf, I would be long gone, honestly you wouldn't see me for dust. Talk about smothering!!!! You only know each other 8 months and you're pissed that she's dragging her heels when you have a wedding, house, family and kids to get sorted. Slow down for god's sake or you're going to lose her. Honestly if you were my bf I would be freaked out and long gone. Maybe she wants to have fun and all you're offering is mortgage repayments, loans, labour, ****ty nappies and huge responsibilities, maybe they were her long term plans and now you want her to move them to short term plans? Give her some time and space. Do you actually want and love her? To me it sounds like you're in a race to get wife, house and kids ticked off your list. How old are you? I'm not trying to be funny but is there a good reason this all has to be done immediately?

A VERY sensible post. Just enjoy being engaged and lay off the pressure.

LegacyUser

Peggypeg wrote: »

Do you actually want and love her? To me it sounds like you're in a race to get wife, house and kids ticked off your list. How old are you? I'm not trying to be funny but is there a good reason this all has to be done immediately?

OP wrote:

after 6 months of dating i proposed

OP wrote:

i knew she was the one for me after 2 weeks.

OP wrote:

do nice things for her

OP wrote:

get on very well with her family

OP wrote:

she is drop dead gorgeous

OP wrote:

i dont think im in the same league

Sounds to me like you just wanted a wife and pushed her into marriage very early to keep hold of her. While I'm all for romance and if it's right you just know. But you sound , like you idolise her rather than being in love with her.

Have you ever had a good old fight, no one is perfect do you know all her flaws. If you love someone, you know because you love all the things about them that annoy you.

Plus if you are going to marry someone and can't even ask them a question about planning your wedding, it's not good.

Cheap Thrills!

Yeh OP, you sound a tad suffocating. You sound like you want to get her good and trapped before she can change her mind.

She will sense that and resist so relax the death grip a little bit!

Chinafoot

Cheap Thrills! wrote: »

You sound like you want to get her good and trapped before she can change her mind.

I'd say you're bang on the money there given the OPs "she's out of my league" comment.

krudler

no date wrote: »

after 6 months of dating i proposed to my partner 2 months ago. we have a great relationship i knew she was the one for me after 2 weeks. i think about her constantly always try to do nice things for her, i get on very well with her family and its the same in return. we said we would start planning the wedding immeditaely and look at buying a house and talk about starting a family. my mum has been buying her bridal magazines and she has hardly looked at them. we know our wedding budget and its pretty reasonable so she can have a nice wedding but she doesnt seem bothered? anytime i bring it up with her she just says yeah maybe we will see and then has something to do like dinner or her phone or anything. she is drop dead gorgeous and while i dont think im in the same league i havent changed since she met me and fell in love with me. ive taken her on two weekends away to see wedding venues, in one place she went to the spa instead of looking at the banqueting hall. she said she had already seen it online? she really doesnt seem interested and ive no idea whats going on. any ideas

you've known the girl 8 months, I'm pretty sure theres a pair of socks under my bed I've had a longer relationship with, you're getting married not planning a weekend away, its a huge step for someone to take and you seem like you just want to get it over and done with as soon as, thats not a very romantic notion. she's agreed to marry you, so its just coming across like you want to get it "locked down". ease off or you'll lose her.

afkasurfjunkie

sheesh, my boyf proposed after 8 years, we set the date a year later for 1 years time, and he still thinks we are rushing it! 8 months is a bit of a whirlwind romance imo.

seenitall

What has happened here is that the fiancee has woken up, smelled the posessiveness and desperation-laced coffee, and is currently chomping at the bit to run for the hills. She doesn't have the "heart" (the "spine") to tell the OP she changed her mind.

OP, you need your insecurities and personal boundaries worked on with professional support before thinking of getting into any kind of relationship, because the story in your post is not how you conduct a mature and healthy relationship.

santana75

no date wrote: »

after 6 months of dating i proposed to my partner 2 months ago. we have a great relationship i knew she was the one for me after 2 weeks. i think about her constantly always try to do nice things for her, i get on very well with her family and its the same in return. we said we would start planning the wedding immeditaely and look at buying a house and talk about starting a family. my mum has been buying her bridal magazines and she has hardly looked at them. we know our wedding budget and its pretty reasonable so she can have a nice wedding but she doesnt seem bothered? anytime i bring it up with her she just says yeah maybe we will see and then has something to do like dinner or her phone or anything. she is drop dead gorgeous and while i dont think im in the same league i havent changed since she met me and fell in love with me. ive taken her on two weekends away to see wedding venues, in one place she went to the spa instead of looking at the banqueting hall. she said she had already seen it online? she really doesnt seem interested and ive no idea whats going on. any ideas

Oh dear oh dear. Sometimes in life people have blindsides, parts of them that they cant see but are glaringly obvious to others. The above post is your blindside OP. Try to read over what you wrote from a detached perspective, like it was a mate of yours who'd written it. What would you say to that friend?
Youre selling yourself down the river with this girl and trying desperately to make it all happen as you'd like it to happen. This is inspite of her reactions. Take a step back, let things play themselves out naturally and dont try to push her into where you want her to be in your life. Ease off man.

SeekUp

While I agree with everyone that she's probably feeling a bit rushed, I can definitely see the OP's point of view, which might be something similar to, 'she said yes, so she obviously wants to marry me . . . what's the problem?'

The problem is that while she probably loves you and wants to marry you, she probably doesn't want to do it tomorrow. (Or in three months. Or in six months. Or whenever.) It's great that you guys get along with each other's families; I'd try to spend less time planning and more time getting to know them, and enjoying this new phase in your relationship. At the very least, talk to your fiancee -- not necessarily about a wedding date, but certainly about whether she wants a long engagement and even how she feels about the wedding itself. Maybe discuss more about what the two of you expect out of marriage, and maybe less about where the reception will take place.

Being engaged is a great time and while it can be stressful, it's also full of enjoyment. I'd guess that she just wants some space to take it all in, and experience it with you.

How Strange

OP, my OH and I got engaged in Sept 09, we set the date after chatting about it for a couple of days and got married in Feb 10. We were together for 5 years. I can say hand on heart if my OH had asked me in Sept 07 if I wanted to marry him I would've hesitated. I just wasn't ready and felt I didn't know him well enough to be sure this was the man I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. That said if he'd asked I might have felt that I should say yes because I loved him and then I'd have held out for a long engagement.

It seems your OH isn't ready for marriage and she's either hoping to prolong the engagement or she hasn't the courage to tell you she made a mistake. You seem to be completely ignoring her hesitancy and are trying to pressure her to fit into your schedule of wife, kids, mortgage. You really seem to be railroading her into this against her will.

Chill out. Put all talk of weddings on hold for a while. Get to know each other because IMO if you're only together 8 months then you don't know each other very well at all.

Talk to your OH without putting any pressure on her and LISTEN to what she has to say.

MIN2511

Right; OP i do not see anything wrong. It's either she's interested or not; some people meet and end up getting married within a year. I've seen it done countless of times; the culture in Ireland is that you meet someone, date them for 2/3 years(if not more), get engaged and then marriage... This takes between 5-9years; a lot of people think they need to know someone that long to marry them-not true!
At the end of the day; you would never know another person like you know yourself. Even after courting for 7years a lot of these relationships don't work!

I think you need to talk to her; tell her what you're thinking...

LegacyUser

Also, here's a thought - how often does it happen that someone turns down a proposal? Well, I don't know the answer, but I don't hear of it that often. I hear more often of people who got engaged but then later decided for whatever reason that they could not go ahead with getting married to that person.

Embarrassment is a powerful thing and with someone you've only known for 6 months, you are probably not comfortable farting in front of them, never mind having a huge serious conversation about how close you are to settling down or knowing if they're the one for you for life.

I'm NOT saying she doesn't love you, but I do think there is a chance that when hit with a proposal after 6 months, she would say yes because she would be embarrassed to hurt you by saying no - after all, it's not that she doesn't want to be with you. But maybe she wants to be with you in normally-progressing relationship in which you are both still getting to know each other over the first couple of years.

After all, this reaction of hers now, the seeming disinterest, is an aspect of her character that you did not know up to now. There's probably plenty more where that came from, on both sides. You should be enjoying it, GRADUALLY growing closer together as you get to know each other.

SarahSassy

MIN2511 wrote: »

Even after courting for 7years a lot of these relationships don't work!

But a lot of these relationships break up after 7 years cos there is no given committment at that stage. I honestly think if you dont know within 2 years then you are not likely ever to know.

OP, give her some space. She obviously doesnt want the whole white day thisn RIGHT NOW but will in the future as she accepted your proposal.

LegacyUser

i already own a home so the mortgage wouldnt be huge and my fiancee already has a 4year old so im keen for us to keep adding to our family soon as she has said she wouldnt want tto only start having ore kids when hers is 10 etc. i know it seems like we know each other a small time but it feels like we've always known each other. all our friends and family have expressed there support and delight at our engagement as everyone can see we are meant to be together. i said she is out of my league as i feel she is an amazing woman and im so lucky to have her. i cant wait to get married as i cant wait to wake up to her as my wife every morning and make her life better every day. i want a wedding of 150+ guests but she says she only wants about 10! she feels that people spend to much time planning the event and focussing on the material side then the actual marriage and making the commitment etcc

munstergirl

Talk to your girlfriend only she knows what she wants.
Sounds like to me she does not want a big wedding, why not suggest rome, vegas, gretna green, registery office.
Ask her what would her ideal wedding be?

seenitall

no date wrote: »

i already own a home so the mortgage wouldnt be huge and my fiancee already has a 4year old so im keen for us to keep adding to our family soon as she has said she wouldnt want tto only start having ore kids when hers is 10 etc. i know it seems like we know each other a small time but it feels like we've always known each other. all our friends and family have expressed there support and delight at our engagement as everyone can see we are meant to be together. i said she is out of my league as i feel she is an amazing woman and im so lucky to have her. i cant wait to get married as i cant wait to wake up to her as my wife every morning and make her life better every day. i want a wedding of 150+ guests but she says she only wants about 10! she feels that people spend to much time planning the event and focussing on the material side then the actual marriage and making the commitment etcc

Uh oh... Red flags all over the place. YOU HAVE KNOWN THIS WOMAN FOR 8 MONTHS - you hardly know her at all, and vice versa. I wish you heeded more of the advice given to you on here, OP, but it doesn't seem to be getting through...

The best of luck to you, and I really mean it.

I just happen to think you live in cloud cuckoo land.

seamus

no date wrote: »

my fiancee already has a 4year old

This adds another dimension to this whole debacle.

Remember that when you are marrying her, you are also "marrying" her child and becoming this child's new family/new father.

This child is the most important thing in your fianceé's world - more important than you and always will be. So she has to think of what's best for the child, first and foremost. While your fiancee might want to marry you, she needs to consider whether or not that is what's best for the child.
Is it good for the child to create a new family with a man she's known less than a year? What happens to the child if this new relationship breaks down?

She's an adult, and in the worst-case scenario that it turns out she's married a drug-dealing, wife-beating alcoholic, then she can deal with that. But she can't risk bringing a child into that because the effect on the child could be way worse.

Look, not only do you need to take your foot off the accelerator, you need to turn off the engine, get out and go for a bit of a walk. If you're married before you've known eachother for two years, it'll still be too quick.

Chinafoot

no date wrote: »

i already own a home so the mortgage wouldnt be huge and my fiancee already has a 4year old so im keen for us to keep adding to our family soon as she has said she wouldnt want tto only start having ore kids when hers is 10 etc.

She has 6 years before her child is 10! Why does this need to happen for you right now? You need to seriously take on board the advice seamus has given you in relation to her kid. This is not just about you and her, she has her child to consider, and like seamus said that child will always come before you and rightly so.

no date wrote: »

i know it seems like we know each other a small time but it feels like we've always known each other.

This is called the honeymoon period which you and your fiancee are currently in. You may feel like you've known her all your life but the fact is you haven't. You know you haven't. You're caught up in the first flushes of love and you're moving way too fast.

no date wrote: »

all our friends and family have expressed there support and delight at our engagement as everyone can see we are meant to be together.

It doesn't matter what other people think. Other people can see two people starting a new relationship who like each other very much. Nobody can say you're "meant to be together".

no date wrote: »

i said she is out of my league as i feel she is an amazing woman and im so lucky to have her. i cant wait to get married as i cant wait to wake up to her as my wife every morning and make her life better every day.

And why do you feel you need to be married right now in order to do this? Why cant you make her life better everyday as her partner and give yourselves time to get to know each other properly before making a huge commitment that will affect not only the two of you but also a vulnerable 4 year old?

no date wrote: »

i want a wedding of 150+ guests but she says she only wants about 10! she feels that people spend to much time planning the event and focussing on the material side then the actual marriage and making the commitment etcc

Well she has a point. You seem very concerned about the outward appearances of the marriage and what other people think and less about the practicalities of everyday married life.

If you know that she wants a small wedding why are you bringing her to hotels to see banqueting halls? No wonder she doesn't want to discuss it with you! She's told you she doesn't want a massive wedding yet you're persisting with this. How you expect her to just agree to set a date when you cant even agree on what type of wedding you want is beyond me.

Like seenitall, I really hope you'll take onboard whats been offered to you in this thread but I really don't think you will. There is clearly a distinct lack of communication in your relationship and you're moving way too fast. You're not considering her position as a mother nor are you taking her feelings into consideration regarding what type of wedding she wants. Stop thinking about the opinions of others who are on the outside looking in. They know nothing and their opinion is irrelevant. (Edit: yes I do realise the irony of this statement...however, the OP needs to start talking to his girlfriend, not just people who are all about the "oh you're so meant to be together!!")

What matters is what you and your girlfriend think. Start talking to her.

ilovetosing

OP you are deluded mate! You are wayyyy to OTT here and If we can tell that from a few posts on Boards then I can only imagine what it is like comming across for her in person and seeing you every day.

good luck with whatever happens

magneticimpulse

hi OP where can I find more guys like you?? Honestly, after 6 months of knowing someone you ask them to marry them?? You do know marriage is not just for Christmas...its for next christmas and 20 christmas's after that. You sound really young with very little experience in women.

News flash, marriage is not going to change your life from now. Its a piece of legal document that says you 2 are a couple...but honestly, its not going to make you a happier person. I cant say myself as I am not married. But if a guy was as eager as you to get married I would seriously ask myself questions...like why is he in such a hurry? Does he not just love me as I am? Is he not just willing to spend time to get to know me and progress and live each day as it comes?

Your girlfriends previous relationship obvisously didnt work out and she ended up with a kid who does not have their father around them 24/7. Maybe your girlfriend is thinking that she wants things to go slow after previous experience. To not make the same mistake again and rush into making more kids, for the relationship to break down and end up with 2 kids with 2 different fathers etc etc. Also weddings cost alot of money. Is it like 30,000euro or something stupid? Then people have to give the couple money and spend the night in the hotel, more crazy money which people dont have in the recession right now!!! Stop thinking about marriage and just spend the money on a nice holiday and getting to know your girlfriend more.

Seriously ive dated guys and thought they were the be all and end all the 1st 6 months, only to realise after 1 year we had nothing in common and really didnt like them. Chill out!! Otherwise you will get your heart completely ripped apart