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Girlfriend has an eating disorder

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  • 27-04-2010 10:17am
    #1
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭


    Just to make things clear from the start, I'm not looking for any medical advice here. I just want to hear from some people who have been through the same kind of thing, and hopefully find out what helped them...

    My girlfriend (30) of a little over a year recently revealed that she has an eating disorder (she says its sort of borderline between the two main ones, but it seems a lot closer to bulimia given my limited understanding of it)
    She kept it from me for so long because she was worried that I'd just dump her as soon as I found out, which couldn't be farther from the truth! (I love her to bits, warts and all, and just want to help her...)
    She has a routine of eating in bed before sleep, which means she keeps that food down and also doesn't have problems with lunch at work, but the evenings and weekends are where she has the most problems with food. It has come to the point where I'm refusing to cook anything for her, because I know that she will just throw this up straight afterwards and then not feel like eating at bedtime...
    I'm really not sure if refusing to cook for her is the best way of doing it, but all I care about is that she keeps at least something down each night. I just don't know what else I can do to ensure she eats :S (and don't want to force her into doing anything)

    So I guess any links to resources, or a bit of moral support would be more than welcome here.

    She's due to start seeing a counsellor again soon, and I've pushed the idea of us doing it as a couple, which should hopefully be mutually beneficial for both of us...


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    #2
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Hi OP,

    I'm afraid I can't offer you a whole lot of advice, except for to be as supportive as you possible can. I've suffered from bulimia on and off since I was 15 (I'm now 27) and have been very bad with in the past year. In that time, I was in a six year relationship and only once told my boyfriend about it, after we were going out about a year. I told him after we had been out for a good few drinks and we only talked about it briefly. The next day it was forgotten about and to this day, I still don't know if he just tried to brush it under the carpet, thought I was only messing or not that ill, or if he just genuinely didn't remember because we were drinking. Anyways, after that I was so afraid to mention it again, because I was sure he'd be disgusted and break up with me.

    The shame that comes with bulimia, is unlike a lot of other diseases. It's embarrassing and you genuinely can't stand the thought of people knowing what you do. So the fact that she confided in you is such a sign of trust, and the fact that you've been so supportive and non-judgmental is absolutely brilliant. I'm not blaming my ex, but I think if I had had that support, I might not be in the same situation that I am now, still making myself sick years later.

    I think what you've suggested about counselling is great, but she will need to do some sessions on her own as well, probably before you do it together as a couple. You could go along with her for moral support, but wait for her outside for the first couple of sessions. Anyway, I'm sure the counselor will give you guidance on this.

    Also, just my opinion but refusing to cook for her doesn't sound like the best idea to me, but I could be wrong. I think she should really try to get into a 'normal' habit of eating dinner and keeping that down, rather than eating before bed. But it's obviously not that easy, is it.

    Best of luck, I sincerely hope she gets better, and just keep on being the lovely supportive boyfriend that you seem to be.


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    #3
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    yep im currently dating a girl who has anorexia/bulimia

    she told me after about 4 months
    she thought id hate her and dump her but i just gave her a kiss and a hug

    refusing to cook/monitoring her eating/making comments about her weight, either positivly or negativly, is a no no/not taking her out to meals are all no go areas...dont do any of these!

    i simply ask, maybe once or twice a week "how has your eating been this week? wanna talk about it?"

    yes its hard but its an illness just like anything else so its not her fault.

    best of luck


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    #4
    mollymascara
    Closed Accounts Posts: 95 ✭✭mollymascara


    Snarf! wrote: »
    Just to make things clear from the start, I'm not looking for any medical advice here. I just want to hear from some people who have been through the same kind of thing, and hopefully find out what helped them...

    My girlfriend (30) of a little over a year recently revealed that she has an eating disorder (she says its sort of borderline between the two main ones, but it seems a lot closer to bulimia given my limited understanding of it)
    She kept it from me for so long because she was worried that I'd just dump her as soon as I found out, which couldn't be farther from the truth! (I love her to bits, warts and all, and just want to help her...)
    She has a routine of eating in bed before sleep, which means she keeps that food down and also doesn't have problems with lunch at work, but the evenings and weekends are where she has the most problems with food. It has come to the point where I'm refusing to cook anything for her, because I know that she will just throw this up straight afterwards and then not feel like eating at bedtime...
    I'm really not sure if refusing to cook for her is the best way of doing it, but all I care about is that she keeps at least something down each night. I just don't know what else I can do to ensure she eats :S (and don't want to force her into doing anything)

    So I guess any links to resources, or a bit of moral support would be more than welcome here.

    She's due to start seeing a counsellor again soon, and I've pushed the idea of us doing it as a couple, which should hopefully be mutually beneficial for both of us...

    This unfortunately is a very common problem. One of which Ive been through myself and have managed to manage over the last few years with the right help and support, so there is hope for recovery.

    Here are a couple of links, www.bodywhys.ie and www.eatingdisorders.ie , I know one does a peer support group that meets every week, which is great, because as the prev post mentioned there is a lot of shame involved and it is a safe place to go and talk to others in similar situations without feeling judged.

    I think its awesome how supportive you are, what I will say is that she has to do this for herself and all you can do is be there for her if she needs to talk etc. Educate yourself around the disorder using the links above, as far as Im aware, there are also groups for loved ones, which help and support them too.

    I wish you both the best of luck, and hope she finds recovery :)


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    #5
    xzanti
    Moderators, Entertainment Moderators Posts: 10,436 Mod ✭✭✭✭xzanti


    samehereop wrote: »
    refusing to cook/monitoring her eating/making comments about her weight, either positivly or negativly, is a no no/not taking her out to meals are all no go areas...dont do any of these!

    Yes, eek refusing to cook for her? :( that's gotta hurt, I'm sorry but that sounds almost like a punishment.. I know it's hard for you to get your head around it, it is a very complex condition.. A close friend of mine suffered with it for years.. And yes monitoring her eating and watching her is more than likely just going to lead to her resenting you.. Don't become a disciplinarian, be her friend, be someone she wants to come to and know she won't be judged, I'm not saying you judge her but she may see it like that.. The disorder becomes like a persons best friend, she will do anything to protect it if she feels it is threatened.. Have you spoke to her about getting outside help?

    There are a few good places out there if you look.. a lot of GPs will be able to refer you to somewhere..


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    #6
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    I'm bulimic myself, but unfortunately can't think of many suggestions for you - which must sound awful. But honestly, it has to come from her. I can't think of many things that you can do for her, other than what you have done - which is to ensure that she knows you love and support her.

    Refusing to cook for her might not be a good idea. I get where you're coming from - the idea of enabling her bad habits must be awful. Have you considered asking her about what kind of foods she'd like you to cook? I know from a personal point of view, I have a range of meals and foods that I'm happy to eat and keep down, they're 'safe foods'. If she feels a meal is healthy, and if she knows the cooking methods you use, she may be more likely to keep it down.

    Ultimately, living by 'safe foods' is no way to live, but until she's in a better place, it may lessen the strain surrounding food in your relationship.

    The fact that she has come to you is a testament to your relationship. The shame surrounding bulimia is unreal.

    I wish you both all the best - I hope she can pull through this, and that it will merely strengthen your relationship by dealing with this as a couple.


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    #7
    CTCSG
    Closed Accounts Posts: 1 ✭CTCSG


    In response to your question about eating disorder resources for your girlfriend, I think you might find the Eating Disorder Resources section recently launched on Eating Recovery Center’s website very helpful. Resources include information on insurance with eating disorders, possible college triggers and navigating food-centric festivities. To access these valuable resources, please visit http://bit.ly/bS8teK. I hope this information is helpful!

    Crystal (Eating Recovery Center)


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    #8
    Nevyn
    Closed Accounts Posts: 43,045 ✭✭✭✭Nevyn


    She needs to see the counsellor on her own and you need to look for a support group for yourself/

    http://www.bodywhys.ie/

    That site has a lot of helpful information and a section for those supporting a family memeber or loved one as they deal with thier issue.

    http://www.bodywhys.ie/supportingSomeone/family-friends-carers/


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    #9
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    OP, your girlfriend is lucky to have you. People who have ED's need a lot of support because it is so hard for them to change their habits. I myself have suffered from an ED but I am not recovered. When I look back I cringe at what my loved ones had to put up with. I will be forever grateful.

    As said before, try the websites -
    http://www.eatingdisorders.ie/aboutus.htm

    She may know of some therapists around your area. It is very hard to get the right counselor - your GF may have to try a few people.

    Also here is a book that is fantastic

    http://www.amazon.co.uk/Getting-Better-Bit-Sufferers-Disorders/dp/0863773222

    It is written by Janet Treasure who is top in the field of ED's in the UK. I used her other book as my bible.

    This will not be easy for you so you need to make sure that you have a support network as well. You should not try to "fix" your GF - you can only act as a support mechanism.

    Ultimately your GF has to take responsibility for this herself. She will go to counseling on her own though you may be invited in at the end of a session - depending on how the counselor works. ED's are caused by deep emotional stress - your GF will have to work though this in order for the ED to subside - it is only a symptom of her problems.

    Also, ED's can bring with them a multitude of unhealthy habits - these will be hard to break and will not happen immediately. it is a case of "fake it till you make it".

    How you can help:

    You should encourage her to enjoy life.. go for days out or what ever she enjoys - basically she needs to enjoy other things in life as oppose to obtaining pleasure from food alone. She seems to be trapped in a circle of pleasure and guilt - which is typical in people with bulimia. She needs to learn that food is fuel as well as pleasure - but most importantly it is fuel - to help us to enjoy our life, or work or what ever.

    You should cook as you normally would for two people - if she eats and purges then so be it. Not cooking for her is making an issue for out if it and giving more power to the ED - you should avoid this.

    I would really hope that she gets through this - it will be hard to worth it - some people do not deal with this problem and it can stay with them for a long time - and it is awful as it really lowers quality of life. It is there where ever you go.


    if you need anymore info let us know, good luck and take care of you.


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