Torn

LegacyUser

Hi. This is just annoying me at the moment and I guess I'm just looking for some advice. I was going out with a girl for a few years and she broke up woth me. I was upset at first but I moved on (or so I thought). After a while of being single and doing my own thing I decided to start dating again. Went out with a couple of girls but nothing too serious. Started seeing this new girl now and things are going great. She's a lovely girl and I really like her.

However, I recently found out my ex has a new bf and it really hurt me. I thought I was over her but if I'm so crushed by this clearly I'm not. That being the case is it unfair to keep seeing the new girl. I think we could have something great but if I'm still feeling for my ex surely it's not fair on the new girl?? Surely I should take a chance tho???

LegacyUser

hey, sorry to butt in on your post but i would like to know what people think of this too. i'm on the other side of the story tho, i'm the new girl... his ex broke his heart and i'm convinced he still harbours feelings for her..
Sorry OP but would really love to hear peoples experience on this from both sides...

TitoPuente

Well you're obviously not over your ex yet. How long ago did you break up? How long is that 'while' exactly?

LegacyUser

Hi. OP here again. It's been 4 months since we broke up. I'm over her in the sense that I know we weren't right for each other and I would never get back with her if she asked me regardless of the circumstances. But yeah it hurts to think of her with someone else.

Bonito

You said it yourself Op. Don't ditch this new girl, though. Explain it to her and see how she feels about it and what her opinions are. If you talk it out there's a good chance you can leave things on good terms and stay in touch. Sounds like you need a little bit more time to get over your ex. For me it was when I realised one day I hadn't thought about her in ages and when I did I felt nothing. No pain no nothing. Just all the feelings were gone and I didn't care what she was doing or who she was seeing and I was finally able to move on.

LegacyUser

Thanks for the responses everyone. Heymetoo, I'm just wondering does it bother you that your new guy feels like this? I mean personally, I wouldn't ever get back with my ex so the new girl has nothing to worry about there and I'm sure it's the same with your guy. But I don't want to hurt her either knowing that I still have some feelings like this. I know in the past when a relationship has ended it took me a very long time to move on and I missed some great opportunities with fantastic women because of this. I guess I'm afraid of doing that this time. Thanks Bonito I do know what you mean and its the best feeling in the world when you get to that point I just wish I was there now!!!!

LegacyUser

hey OP, it didn't really bother me at the very start cos it wasn't serious between us but now that i'm starting to have more and more feelings for him (which i wasn't expecting) it is starting to bother me quite a bit.
At the start we did the whole swopping ex. stories, brief relationship history etc.. thing is his descriptions weren't always so brief and i found that her name would just pop into conversation frequently over random things. Places they went, things she said and stuff like that.
i have told him that it bothers me a little bit, i don't mind him talking about her but i would prefer if he was honest about his feelings. i told him straight out that me and him wouldn't work out if he was lying to me about not having feelings for her and stringing me along.
He swears he doesn't and to be fair he's toned down the talking about her an awful lot but it's still on my mind.
Don't want to fall for him completely when his mind is elsewhere!! But then again, his answer to me was that since he's met me his feelings for her are going out the window and he no longer cares what she does anymore.
hope he's not lying either.
Just be honest with your GF, whatever way you decide to go, she will appreciate it.
Good luck OP x

LegacyUser

Thanks heymetoo. To be honest I'm starting to fall for the new girl too which I wasn't expecting. The diff is though I lied. I know I shouldn't have but I told her that I didn't have any feelings at all for my ex. Clearly thats not the case though. I don't want to tell her now and risk losing her. I'm fairly good at not mentioning the ex at all so she isn't suspecting of me but I feel guilty for keeping her in the dark too. I'm sure your bf isn't lying if he says his feelings for her are going the more he gets to know you. I thought that was happening with me but maybe not now. I think whats making things harder for me is that my ex texts me every couple of weeks asking how I am etc. I should prob ignore her when she does but I can't help but feel that I owe her more than that you know.

Jaxxy

Try not to feel too badly about it, I think that's a fairly common issue. I was split up with one of my exes for over a year when I found out he had started seeing someone else. Although I knew I was completely over him and had started seeing other people myself the idea of him being with someone else made me feel physically ill.

It does pass though and try not to let it ruin your current relationship. Four months isn't a long time when you've been with someone for years. Some people take longer than others to recover from a break-up. Give yourself a chance!

LegacyUser

Thanks JaxxYChicK your post made me feel a lot better. Nice to know I'm not the only one :-) I know it does pass as it's not the first time around for me. It's more just the moving forward with someone else when I'm thinking of my ex with someone else that brings on the guilt!!! You're right though I should give the new relationship a chance. She's a great girl and I really do like her.

LegacyUser

maybe you told her that cos you thought she'd walk? it's a natural reaction and go easy on yourself, you probably didn't realise yourself that you'd feel this way when you found out your ex was with someone else.
I wouldn't go back telling her you lied. Maybe cutting contact with the ex is a good idea... i mean if you've no intention of going back to her then it makes sense!
Good luck with the new girl OP hope it works out! (For me too!) :P