It must be over ? Is it

LegacyUser

Can I ask... if you are contemplating having an affair when your married - does that mean your marriage is over.. I also have NEVER been unfaithful with anyone my entire life.

We have been to counselling, resolved some issues and I am now being told maybe he is getting 'too old for sex' - he is only 43 - I 'm early thirties and just can't imagine the rest of my life without the intimacy...I just feel like it is one excuse after another..

But we have children and big mortgage and stuff ...should I just go my a rampant rabbit and be grateful he isn't beating me or the kids etc..

Taltos

Am with SF on this.
Too old for sex at 43 - gawd - only have a few years left <sigh> - seriously though - as men age our drive can lessen - and it can be caused by any number of factors - eg
> too much stress
> fitness level - ie overweight
> poor diet
> feelings of depression
> partner letting themselves go (don't jump all over me on this one...)
> not feeling an emotional bond
> lack of intimacy
The last 2 can be caused just from the daily trials of being a parent - children come first and all that.... So key for couples to take time out to "date" / spend time just reconnecting...

As to the counselling - maybe try another counsellor? Or even go to the GP for the old V. As you can tell - there are just so many things that it impact a man's desire - and at the same time there is only so much you can do.

Maybe do invest in a bunny - it might bring a spark back and he might be tempted to join in.
But give the counselling another shot - lay out all your cards - you expect your marriage to be a physical relationship - and how important that is to you. He needs to hear this - and just as importantly you need to hear his response.

Best of luck.

edit: one thing - what is he doing to change... As SF said you only have 1 life - as does he - surely he is not happy with the situation and is trying to change... If only you are willing to fight here then you need to find out why he does not hold your relationship in high enough regard to fight just as hard to save what you have.

Cheap Thrills!

You are trapped by the mortgage and kids. He won't have sex.

It is over. Unreasonable behaviour. You can't be expected to suffer enforced celibacy for the rest of your life. A rampant rabbit is just no comparison to proper sex.

Excuse after excuse eh? Shows he doesn't care. He is just playing delaying games. He could be playing away himself or who knows what. He's broken the contract anyway. Stringing you along anyway.

'Faithfulness' is not required by you at this point. You two have no sexual relationship so its not possible to be 'unfaithful'. You should tell him clearly you are done being strung along and move on.

Taltos

Cheap Thrills! wrote: »

It is over. Unreasonable behaviour. You can't be expected to suffer enforced celibacy for the rest of your life. A rampant rabbit is just no comparison to proper sex.

Bit harsh? Only unreasonable behaviour we are privy to is lack of sex. Agree with rest 100% though.

Cheap Thrills! wrote: »

Excuse after excuse eh? Shows he doesn't care. He is just playing delaying games. He could be playing away himself or who knows what. He's broken the contract anyway. Stringing you along anyway.

Where are you getting this? Excuse after excuse? And then the leap to him playing away? - could be true but even so quite a leap.

Cheap Thrills! wrote: »

'Faithfulness' is not required by you at this point. You two have no sexual relationship so its not possible to be 'unfaithful'. You should tell him clearly you are done being strung along and move on.

Sorry but this is BS. Faithfulness is a relationship cornerstone - if you are going to play the field then get out of the relationship - otherwise you are just adding pain to your pain bank - either for you or your partner or children.

ManOfMystery

Nobody is too 'old' for sex at 43. Many couples continue to have sex into their 50s, 60s, 70s, even later! So that's a complete and utter fallacy.

A rampant rabbit is all fine and grand, but it won't provide intimacy which I suspect is what you crave.

Asides from the lack of sex is your husband affectionate? Kisses, cuddles, etc? Just trying to work out whether it's purely sex he has no interest in or if he's become distant in other ways.

seamus

Without much information, we can't really make any determinations as to whether your marriage is over or not. Marriage isn't all about sex. No sex doesn't mean the end of a marriage.

However a point blank cessation of all intimacy does indicate a problem from his side. But you haven't said that this is the case, so we can't really say.

Can I do this ? wrote: »

I am now being told maybe he is getting 'too old for sex'

Who said this? He did? As Taltos says, there are a number of reasons why someone may become disinterested in sex. Obviously sex drive does lessen with age, but for someone to decide, "That's it, don't need it anymore", usually indicates that the problem isn't age, it's something else. It's usually a problem with health - fatigue, weight, fitness, stress, hormonal/nutritional imbalances - but it can also be caused by lifestyle.

The other thing you may need to consider is any disparity between your sex drives. If he's still interested in sex, but perhaps not as much as you are, then it's probably just the case that you're a women at the prime age for sexual overdrive, and he's an older man unable to keep up.

If the latter is the case, then go easy on him - the more you want sex, the more pressure there will be for him to perform, and therefore he'll feel like sex is a chore rather than fun. To relieve yourself between sessions, just go ahead and get the rabbit.

Cheap Thrills!

Taltos wrote: »

Bit harsh? Only unreasonable behaviour we are privy to is lack of sex.

But his refusal to have sex and attempts to obfuscate the matter with 'Im too old for sex at 43' is outrageous. That is plenty of reason to end the marriage. It is totally unreasonable behaviour.

Taltos wrote: »

Where are you getting this? Excuse after excuse? And then the leap to him playing away? - could be true but even so quite a leap.

OP said

I just feel like it is one excuse after another..

Yeh, it is a leap but there has to be some reason he is withholding sex. There could be a bigger picture, the husband is trying to cry off sex but keep the wife onside as well at the same time. Why, whats his motivation?

Taltos wrote: »

Sorry but this is BS. Faithfulness is a relationship cornerstone - if you are going to play the field then get out of the relationship - otherwise you are just adding pain to your pain bank - either for you or your partner or children.

I fully agree she needs to get out of it, as I said, unreasonable behaviour on his part. But you can't call it a 'relationship' when one party has decided to cease sex. He has broken the contract. He can't be a Dog in the manger about it. Not wanting her himself but expecting her to remain celibate. She informs him its over and that due to his unilateral decision the relationship contract is void. His decision. He can't have it both ways.

Miss Fluff

Who said he's maybe too old for sex? Did he say that himself or did someone else suggets it?

When was the lats time you have sex? How frequently do you have sex? Is she still affectionate with you? Has he had a life changing incident happen recently, i.e. has he been made redundant? Is he going through a bereavement?

More info please....

seamus

sunflower27 wrote: »

As the OP is in her early 30s, I think it may well be over if he doesnt want sex, isn't prepared to work on it and keeps making excuses following counselling.

Agreed, but we haven't got enough information to make all those assumptions.

seamus

sunflower27 wrote: »

Well, the OP is considering an affair - it's quite obvious, to me anyway, that this isnt a short-term problem that she thinks will be sorted out in the foreseeable.

It could just be a case that she's not getting it as much as she would like. That's not a short-term problem, but it doesn't indicate that there's anything wrong with the relationship per se.

A lot of people seem to have decided that the husband has completely shut her out and refused all forms of intimate contact permanently. We have no information on which to make those assumptions.

Without more information from the OP, any major advice could be overkill or at least jumping the gun.

LegacyUser

Me again,

Listen you guys thanks for the response, I know I was a bit cagey, it was just in case anyone knew me.

I suppose to answer your questions, I would be more demonstrative and affectionate normally than the hubby... but not in a clingy way if that makes sense.

I suppose I am irked because as I was told 'I'm getting too old for this' - but he can play soccer and gaa and train to beat the band.

I wouldn't have think I would have a wildly high sex drive, 3 maybe 4 times a week, but down to 2 a month now, which I am finding difficult, and it is becoming harder because if I am in any way affectionate, he is assuming I want sex and backs off - and I have to almost say before I kiss him - listen, not looking for sex, that is not the way it should be.

There has been no reduncancy or financial stresses (no more than anyone else) we have had no deaths or anything that can cause emotional stress that I could say is an underlying issue. We have been to counselling on other issues and can actually discuss it in a calm manner, but he says I am like a you know what in heat.. He will get aroused, but makes me feel like it is chore - that he has to more than he wants too.. and I am not lying there thinking of England.. I would try to be be on top or do as much of the work as possible and yet ...

I am started to get excuse my language but pi$$ed off now. I have not put on any weight recently and am only 5 lbs heavier than when we met 10 years ago after 2 children and still fit into a size 12 - so it's not like I have let myself go .. I try to dress well and I'm just thinking we are becoming room mates more that husband and wife..

I think there will be a frank discussion this weekend as I am weary..I don't believe in being unfaithful I never have, I believed my marriage vows when I made them and I do have two children to think about, I do actually think that sex is not the issue, but the straw that broke the camels back. No body I would think walks out on a marriage and decides to become a single parent because they aren't getting any ... So do I just suck it up (excuse the pun) for the sake of my children who adore him ?

Cheap Thrills!

Can I do this ? wrote: »

No body I would think walks out on a marriage and decides to become a single parent because they aren't getting any ... So do I just suck it up (excuse the pun) for the sake of my children who adore him ?

Of course they would.

He 'gives it to you' twice a month and makes it seem like a chore.....well, you can't go on like that.

Like I said before. If he doesn't want you others will.

I know kids are involved and so it has to be handled sensitively but you need to be realistic. I have a friend in exactly the same position and she has been complaining about it for years, yet doesn't leave him.

Nothing changes and I feel so bad for her, all her good sexual peak years being wasted on someone who doesn't fancy her but won't let her go.

It's no life without sex. You won't be able to suck it up long term. You might for a few months but what happens when a nice handsome man throws you the eye? Are you gonna say no ?

It would be better to be in a position to be able to say yes with a clear conscience.

Miss Fluff

Sounds to me like he is punishing you for something.

What issues were you both trying to resolve through the marriage guidance counselling sessions you attended?

LegacyUser

Hi,

Issues that we were trying to resolve was a family bereavement on his side, also I started a business that took 18 months to get started and then really started to take off and he was angry with me that I 'packed in my job' and he had to become the main bread winner. Then he had an accident and quit his job and decided to stay at home and mind the kids..

It got to a stage where he wouldn't even hold my hand and we were sleeping in seperate rooms and he would almost recoil at my touch, and I eventually told him if we didn't get counselling we were finished because I couldn't go on like this... that is when all the issues surfaced and we did get most of them resolved.

But now it just feels like it's not worth the hassle... Marriage is about compromise and requires patience, understanding, compassion, Passion, laughter, and so many more emotions... I am at the moment only feeling isolation, sadness, lonliness, desolation, anguish, hurt and rejection..:-( LOL - if I wasn't sad before writing this I am now ..

magneticimpulse

Well 1st off many people are saying life is not worth living without sex...hang on, there are many people on here in their 30s and are single and have not had sex for years (me included), let alone the joy to get it as regular as twice a month.

Its all well and good to have sex and like you said its not the be all and end all. Your marriage seemed it went in a dip and your husband might not have fully recovered from the personal issues he was having. He went to counselling with you to save the marriage, so he obvisously is quite caring.

But from a person who doesnt get sex...its not a natural "right" that everyone should have. Doesnt mean that my life is not worth living...or yours or anybody elses if they dont get sex.

You have to do more things to fullfill your life. Go to the gym more, burn off the sexual frustration. Do you even love your husband? Marriage is not all roses forever and of course it will have bad patches and life experiences (death, finance, jobs) which will influence it. You cant have your 20s back or this crazy fantasy with the gardener. You chose married life and its certainly not greener on the other side. You seem you want to have your cake and eat it.

Trust me, being single and no sex for years on end...is not any more fun. Ad in your children and the problems they will have and views they will have on relationships and marriage.

Ickle Magoo

Hey OP,

Would you consider going back to the counselling? From the details you give, it sounds like there are still an awful lot of issues that have to be resolved. I know you are really angry at your husband for withdrawing emotionally and punishing you by withholding intimacy but I presume there is a reason he does that? There must be serious issues on his side that are driving his behaviour?

I know it's probably not what you want to hear but I'm sure a marriage without much intimacy, not satisfying your wife and causing enough upset to risk permanently damaging or destroying your marriage is not your husbands idea of fun, either. He sounds like he's hurting too and perhaps internalising and withdrawing is his way of dealing with that?

I think you need to sit him down and tell him you can't go on with the status quo, tell him if you love him and still want to work things out. Just be honest about where you are and where you want things to go, try not to use blame, just tell him how you feel - ask what he's thinking and see if he would consider going back to marriage counselling to get things resolved once and for all and perhaps learn to communicate with you better?

Best of luck!

Miss Fluff

+1, sounds like you both could really do with going back to counselling. Do you think he would be open to that? From the outside looking in it sounds like he has an issue with your career taking off so successfully and him being left at home to mind the kids. That's just speculation though, you should really attend regular marriage guidance until you really get to the root of your issues so you can try and work through them together.