Miss your child(ren)

Klingon Hamlet

What do you do when you miss your child(ren) so much it feels like your heart could explode? When you get to be with your child(ren) for short periods of time, but know you're missing the best chunks of their life/lives? It's a genuine question because I'm really very upset at the moment

di11on

Crap man, that hurts.

I don't have an easy answer but I'm thinking that your kids are lucky to have someone who cares about them so much.

Stick with it and play the long game, whatever the situation.

January

Klingon Hamlet, I take it you're a single parent yes?

If so I've never experienced the kind of separation from my children that you probably have but on two occasions I have been separated from my daughter longer than I'd have liked, not by much though!

First time was when I was in Manchester just before Christmas, it was a last minute trip and I didn't have time to get my daughter a passport to bring her with me so I left her with my parents. It was the time the snow was bad in England and we were delayed on the way home, thought we weren't going to make it and didn't get home til after midnight so we left her in my parents an extra day and the second was when I was in hospital giving birth to my second child and was kept in for longer than expected. Both times I just cried! I couldn't help it, I missed her so much. It's an horrible experience being separated like that

Hope you're ok.

You poor thing. I don't know what to say to be honest. I know how it feels to miss your children. It's the worst pain anyone can ever feel (IMO) My situation is different to yours though so I can't even offer any advice

Is there anything at all that you can do to change the fact that you only see him/her for short periods of time?

Klingon Hamlet

Time, patience, hope, perseverence. Being male and unmarried in Ireland is a big minus.

Klingon Hamlet

Klingon Hamlet wrote: »

Time, patience, hope, perseverence. Being male and unmarried in Ireland is a big minus.

I think being male full stop is a big minus in this situation.

I'm sure you don't need to be told this, but make sure that every minute you spend with your child is wonderful. Make many memories. And tell them you love them all the time.

Nevyn

Write to him, write what you are feeling, write down you memories of him, all of it so it doesn't fade, who know one day he may read it.

Thaedydal

Thaedydal wrote: »

Write to him, write what you are feeling, write down you memories of him, all of it so it doesn't fade, who know one day he may read it.

That's great advice Thaedydal

Deliverance

Hope your ok Klingon. I'm a single dad with access so I get how you feel, it can be tough at times. I tend to plan out the time spent with my daughter (4yrs) and we have a good time. I always look forward to our time together and make the most of it. As a result she always looks forward to being with me and really enjoys our 'Quality' time together.

When you think about it sometimes parents that spend all the time with their kids take this for granted and possibly spend less quality time than a parent who appreciates every moment.

There is the flipside to having them constantly. I had my daughter for over a week and a half all day every day awhile back. Believe me when I handed her back I had bags under my eyes and went straight to bed afterwards.

If you don't mind me asking how regular is your access?

MonkeyTennis

Hold tight.. be the best Dad that you can in that time you can and never ever give up.

Best wishes

Superdaddy

Klingon Hamlet wrote: »

Time, patience, hope, perseverence. Being male and unmarried in Ireland is a big minus.

So very very true, never give up the fight. I have been paralysed with the same feeling all day today. My 7 year old son was abducted 2 years ago and i am still grinding through the high courts. I haven't seen him since mid february, I only get to talk to him on the phone. He is in a bad way too and he is heart broken for 2 years now. It's awful to listen to your child tell you that he cries in bed at night while hugging pictures of his daddy, it's awful to be asked everytime "when can i come home Daddy?" And never being able to answer. He told me yesterday that he and a friend at school are going to build a wish machine so he can be with his Daddy again. He cries in school all the time because he misses his daddy. There no point crying to his mother and he knows this, her happiness comes first in her world.

Thaedydal wrote: »

Write to him, write what you are feeling, write down you memories of him, all of it so it doesn't fade, who know one day he may read it.

I do this, i set up an email address for him which i will give him someday when he wants to know what happened.

Klingon Hamlet wrote: »

What do you do when you miss your child(ren) so much it feels like your heart could explode? When you get to be with your child(ren) for short periods of time, but know you're missing the best chunks of their life/lives? It's a genuine question because I'm really very upset at the moment.

This is a very dark time and it hits you like a ton of bricks sometimes, i simply can't move outside the house when it happens, it is also very dangerous, only today i had to remind myself what i've got to live for. Its feels like a physical sickness, sick stomach, massive pressure building in your head, a lump in your throat, lethargic and simply blank of all positivity.

Here's how i get out of it.
1.Tell somebody how you feel, i'm lucky to have a very supportive girlfriend.
2. Talk to somebody in the same situation as you, i have a couple of lads who are going through the same, just give them a buzz for a chat and see what progress they are making.
3. Best of all, go to bed and cry yourself to sleep or just go someplace quiet and have a cry. It really works, there is a great sense of relief afterwards. To be honest i had a little cry writing the first paragraph of this post and i feel better already.

Don't drink alcohol, i tried that, it makes it worse and it becomes a crutch, same goes for any drugs. It's actually depression we have and you need to battle out of it for your child and continue fighting to spend time with him/her. It'll come good eventually.

Best of luck mate, if your talking to Donnacha tell him the Carlow lads are asking for him.

My son called me Superdaddy:) but i'm not the only one!

Splendour

Klingon Hamlet wrote: »

What do you do when you miss your child(ren) so much it feels like your heart could explode? When you get to be with your child(ren) for short periods of time, but know you're missing the best chunks of their life/lives? It's a genuine question because I'm really very upset at the moment

Hey Klingon, I was thinking about starting a thread in this vein myself so thank you for bringing this very painful subject up. I have my son every second weekend and to be honest, its just not enough. I so look foward to picking him up on the friday evening and when I drop him back on sundays, there are many times I've cried because it hurts so so much.
Because my Ex moved a good distance away, I haven't a clue about my son's every day life, who his friends are etc. I so long for him to come home to me from school and tell me how his day went. My situation is not helped by the fact that my Ex absolutely hates me and causes hassle and stress constantly.
Having said that, I know compared to your case, and others, I'm blest in that I see my son every couple of weeks. I really don't know how you cope.
I know people mean well when they say things like ' he'll know when he's older what really went on, blah blah...' That may well be so but right now I'm missing out on my son's life and IT HURTS LIKE HELL!!

di11on

Thaedydal wrote: »

Write to him, write what you are feeling, write down you memories of him, all of it so it doesn't fade, who know one day he may read it.

I agree. I know someone estranged from their dad and your efforts at keeping up contact will mean a huge amount to your child. If not now, in times to come. Your child needs to know that you did all you could to keep in touch. I believe this is very important. Don't give up. Even if it feels like a one way street, your child needs to know that their dad did all he could.

ocos

What does a father do in the situation where the kids are in early teens and only want to spend their free time with their friends. My partner struggles to get his kids to even spend a few hours a month with him now!
Its so hard on him

K-9

Klingon Hamlet wrote: »

What do you do when you miss your child(ren) so much it feels like your heart could explode? When you get to be with your child(ren) for short periods of time, but know you're missing the best chunks of their life/lives? It's a genuine question because I'm really very upset at the moment

Superdaddy said it better than I ever could. The stress, loneliness and feeling of helplessness can be over whelming.

The feeling you'll get when you see them again makes it all worthwhile, so keep the chin up. It does get better.

Eoineo

While I'm not a single parent - I'm a wife to a father who doesn't have custody of his daughter. I hope you understand what I mean. My advice to you is meant in the best possible way & comes from years of supporting him in being the best parent he can be.

Live your life as best you can.

Don't put your life on hold for access/custody through the courts. Use the courts system if you have to but don't depend on it changing your life. The only person who can change your life is you.

Don't expect the other parent to ever understand where you're coming from.

Expect the worst and hope for the best.

Pick your battles

Don't be afraid to express your feelings (in an age appropriate way) to your child. "Daddy misses you when you're not here" etc etc.

Don't be afraid to express your feelings to friends and family. You'll be surprised who might be able to offer you support.

The idea of writing a letter/email is great. If you're not great with the written word consider recording video or sound messages for the child. Sometimes you can convey your emotions better that way. As a child I was separated from a family member for a while. They recorded themselves reading me a bedtime story which I listened to every night.

Remember this time will pass.
Years ago my husband and I believed relations would get worse with the mother of his child. They haven't, they've improved. We believed that he would have to fight for all his time with his child and nothing could be further from the truth.

Klingon Hamlet

I've made videos of us in our short times together; kept them privately linked on youtube so only I can release them to whom I want; and stored up on the hard drive. I think it's gonna be good for him later to see me and him together laughing---it might bring back old memories.

I write stories and poems, sometimes about him and other times about how it feels without him. He's on my mind constantly and I'm learning that it's Ok not to think of him 24/7---because I know I love him and it's OK to be me, to have my own time.

It's the future that worries me. He's not even in school yet. Schools favour female parents in these situations. I hope not to be excluded but I anticipate it happening. I will do what I can to know my boy and his life every day...and to catalogue the times when he's with me...store them so we can relive those moments again when he's older. Proof I was always there for him, in mind if not in body.

gizzemoto

I feel your pain Klingon , I absoutly Love my kids, and have not been allowed to see them since the 3rd of april, It really breaks my heart and i feel so empty and hurt, its such a pure love when you love your children, and its unconditional, but when there been used like pawns as a sence of control against you its worse , they are 9 and 10 and and i want to cry, i do cry and dont know how to feel, my son has been subjected to PAS since my-ex and i split, Both there phones have been taken from them, any the only way i get to speek to them is on loud speaker on her phone, and in the back round im been called every name under the sun. I dont know what todo, I do hope to see them soon and i wont give up.

Deliverance

Klingon Hamlet wrote: »

I've made videos of us in our short times together; kept them privately linked on youtube so only I can release them to whom I want; and stored up on the hard drive. I think it's gonna be good for him later to see me and him together laughing---it might bring back old memories.

I write stories and poems, sometimes about him and other times about how it feels without him. He's on my mind constantly and I'm learning that it's Ok not to think of him 24/7---because I know I love him and it's OK to be me, to have my own time.

It's the future that worries me. He's not even in school yet. Schools favour female parents in these situations. I hope not to be excluded but I anticipate it happening. I will do what I can to know my boy and his life every day...and to catalogue the times when he's with me...store them so we can relive those moments again when he's older. Proof I was always there for him, in mind if not in body.

You are a great Dad Klingon. Your situation is so unfortunate and I feel for you. At least you are doing the best that you can despite the circumstances.

The law is an ass really isn't it i.e. outdated? It seems to be based on the traditional sense of the irresponsible biological fathers who have done a runner in the past and the strong mothers who were left to pick up the pieces.

The guys that ran in the past have done irreperable damage to good Fathers like us. Some continue to do so. I have no respect for people like this.

Times have changed and Dads are becoming much more responsible. The law is not keeping up with the changes in society. Fathers do tend to take more responsibility these days and also tend to be great as an actual parent. Point in fact is dads who post on here and elsewhere I'm sure.

A change in the Law is needed really to give Dads the benefit of the doubt in an equal sense. Surely a change is coming in this sense?

I imagine that an inequality is in existence via the law at the moment. Surely it is defunct to show a bias against men who are just as good if not better as parents in some cases.