was he out of line or not

LegacyUser

i cant believe im posting here but i really need an unbiased view on this. to try to keep it short my boyfriend had my atm card and forgot to give it back to me (innocent mistake i'm positive) anyhow i only realised after i'd left my house and texted him. he was at a friends with a group of people and was only about 5 mins away from me. i had no cash or other cards but he wouldnt excuse himself from his friends to pop out to give me back the card. i offered to go to him but he still refused -asking me to please understand. i didnt understand how i wasn't important enough for him to say oops have the gfs card back in two, she really needs it. i feel he was selfish and i'm upset. he can't see why. i walked for two hours into town to meet my friends as i only had a few cents in wallet and couldn't pay for bus. he said he assumed someone else would give me money but never checked with me at the time if i was with anyone or if i had any money. i'm really mad and upset and he just thinks i'm overreacting -any opinions? head wrecked

yourmother

Personally, no I don't think you're over-reacting. I'd be really annoyed, if he really cared about you surely he'd be worried when you were asking for your card back ie. that you needed money.

blairbear

One of my male friends did this to me a few weeks ago. I left my card in his house after hanging out there. He lived pretty near (but not without walking distance) and drives, but from Saturday morning until 10pm Sunday night, didn't return the card. It was a weekend, so I couldn't physically get money out of the bank and had fifty cent on me. He knew I'd no money on me too. A friend lent me money for the weekend, but I didn't ask for much cos I was embarrassed borrowing money, so couldn't go out that weekend. I was RAGING at him and how rude and inconsiderate he was, especially since I found out afterwards that he'd been lying round the house on facebook, hungover all weekend.

Anyway...just saying I understand how infuriating that was. It was realy selfish and immature of him. I wouldn't dump him over it, but you need to make it really clear how much of a selfish, silly little boy he was being over it. You can't change what happened now.. He probably knows well he was in the wrong but won't admit it.

What was he doing in the friend's house by the way and do you know the friends in question?

pwd

You don't usually get unbiased posts on this tbh, though I know what you mean.

Sounds completely bizarre tbh. Why didn't he want you to call to the house he was at? Can't think of any explanation apart from him not wanting you to know what he was getting up to.

monkey brain

Hi there,

I do not think you are over reacting at all. The fact he had your card and did not remeber to give back to you, and also that you were willing to go meet him after he could not bother to meet you...i would actually think if someone did that to me that they were joking..it makes no sense! so dont feel crazy and stand your ground.It is just about basic mutual respect.

Neyite

i would be furious with him to be honest: fair enough an honest mistake was made but his attitude after it really stinks - you offered to pick it up and he wouldnt let you???

in another point, what was it he wanted you to 'understand' - this part of what he said made no sense? is it that he wanted you to understand that his friends/social life are more important than helping his girlfriend when she is badly stuck???

there have been lots of times where ive ended up at work where my OH has my card, and vice versa. you dont leave someone without access to their own money ffs.

keep being mad at him until you get a sincere apology from him. you deserve nothing less

Riskymove

OP you were not out of line, its really bad behavior

but.....why could you not go to where he was, if it was only 5 mins away, rather than walk 2 hours into town?????

slowmoe

thats really bad form. i would be completely questioning the relationship if someone had done that to me. you shouldnt have had to offer to go to him. he should have immediately explained the situation to his friends and gone to give it back to you. he could have always gone back to them. knowing that someone cant access their own money and you have thhe power to do something about it but choose not to is extremely selfish.

op to be honest it sounds like your boyfriend either doesnt respect you enough to leave his evening for a few mins when you are stuck or he is to selfish to ever think of someone befor ehis own enjoyment. im not sure i would be sticking around after a stunt like that

did you get your card back

dudara

The question that's bugging me is why he wouldn't leave what he was doing, or why he didn't want you coming in? That's bizarre behaviour.

LegacyUser

thannks so much for all the replies so far.

i will try answer all questions without giving too much away (although probably that ship has saled)


he was asking me to understand that he couldn't leave his friends house to give me back my card. i was supposed to be in town for 7.30 and he said he would call me about 9.30 to arrange meet up for card. obviously i didn't understand why he couldn't excuse himself for a few mins to return my card. he also said he was at dinner and couldn't really text me and he felt it was rude for him to leave a meal that someone had prepared for him. i cook for him all the time and most of the time he'll walk off or turn off tv or be messing with his phone. i can't see how he doesn't think that its much ruder for him to leave me without my bank card or how he couldn't explain the situation to his friends and check with them if they could leave but he didn't mention my predicament to them at all. after about 4 unanswered texts i gave up on him.

i only knew the area where he was not the street or house so i couldn't march up to the house. he now claims that he didn't realise i had offered to go there.

slowmoe - yes i have card back now. i ended up meeting him later in evening just to get my card back. he wouldn't give it to me at first and kept insisting i get in the car to talk and so he could drop me home. i told him i'd no intention of going anywhere with him or even talking to him, that i was very hurt by his actions and i just wanted my card back. after about ten mins of me asking for my card and him saying he would only give it to me if i got in the card i just said i would cancel it and get a new one and walked off. he followed me down the road and got out of the car with the same thing, just get in and i will give you the card, i love you so much, i need you, can't be without you etc. i got the card off him and kept walking and he followed me again. texted asking could he please take me home, he is so upset and needs to know i'm safe (didn't seem too concerned about that when he was at his friends) we shouldn't be apart etc. i texted him saying i've asked you repeatedly to leave me alone, thhis is stalking (was really really mad) and he replied saying ok i'm sorry.

yourmother- thats what i would think but now he claims that he assumed i had money. which makes no sense to me. why would i be desperately looking for my card if i had money.



if i had money i would have just been happy to get it back from him later. he then said he assumed someone else would be at home that i could borrow money from and says if he realised i was stuck he would have come to give it to me. i feel that he is being insincere and he's only saying it now to stop me being mad. if he had been concerned about me surely he would had said all this during the night to make sure i was ok? it just seems like when he stopped answering me and asking me to understand he couldn't leave that he really wasn't concerned about me or the impact he had on my evening and now just wants me to shut up about it.

LegacyUser

opinions please wrote: »

surely he would had said all this during the night to make sure i was ok? it just seems like when he stopped answering me and asking me to understand he couldn't leave that he really wasn't concerned about me or the impact he had on my evening and now just wants me to shut up about it.

Sounds to me like he was a completely selfish twat and knows it and is trying to weasel his way out of it. If you're not in love with him I would leave him, sounds like a taste of things to come and sure who wants to treated like that? Fair play for having it out with him, you were completely in the right on this one. So yeah if it's over I'd leave it that way. If you're mad about him I'd give him ONE more chance on the clear understanding that the next time he puts his friends feelings and his own before yours he'll be dumped so fast his head will spin.

Best of luck.

S23

He sounds like a complete fcuking wanker who is doing his level best to backtrack over some Grade A wanker behaviour.

No he didn't think someone was going to be able to lend you money. I'm sure from what you said you made it perfectly clear that you needed the card a.s.a.p .

He was 5 minutes away (i'll come back to this) and couldn't leave to give you your card. His excuse is someone had made him dinner and he couldn't leave because it would be rude. Like if he said to whoever it was 'my girlfriend is going to come round so I can give her back her bank card so i'll pop out for a minute' whoever he was allegedly with would have been mortall offended? I don't think so. If I said that while at some of my friends place or they at mine, all you'd get in reply would be an 'okay sure go ahead'.

Which leads me to another thing. Was he really where he said he was? I'm thinking he wasn't. It would be one explanation for his bizzare behaviour. Especially if you discount the 'I couldn't leave because it was rude' explanation.

More likely he a) wasn't 5 minutes away in the general area or b) he wasn't with who he said he was or maybe even both.

Its more likely that he refused to give you your card because he wasn't actually just 5 minutes around the corner in an area you vaguely know but were without the actual address.

Or another possibility is that he was with someone who he couldn't excuse himself easily from and especially not with the excuse of 'oh I have to give my girlfriend back her bank card'. I'm thinking he may well have been with someone he didn't want to be mentioning his girlfriend to and because he couldn't think of another reason for leaving this persons company for 5 minutes and then coming back (or as I said maybe he wasn't as close as he claimed anyway) he simply refused to give you your card back.

At best he's a complete d*ckhead who knew exactly what he was doing but couldn't be bothered to make a minor effort to get you your card back and left you with a two hour walk and no cash. Then decided after the deed was done to make up some rubbish excuses and ask for forgivness for something he knew was wrong while he was doing it but yet that didn't stop him.

At worst he's a total liar who wasn't where he said he was or with who he said he was when you asked for your card back. Add to that he still left you in the lurch because he refused to give you your card back. This is quite possibly because he didn't want to have his cover blown. Personally I think there is every chance he was in a different place and with different company (and yes I do mean female company) that he told you.

Either way I don't think much of the lad and I know I'd be pressing hard for some real answers if I was in your shoes. And by real answers I mean none of this 'oh I thought you'd get money off someone else' 'I didn't know you we're totally broke' 'I couldn't leave for 2 mins because it would be rude' nonsense.

And if and when real answers weren't forthcoming I'd be sayng cheerio to this loser.

Best of luck to you

LegacyUser

op thats insane.

if anybody text me saying do you have bank card, i need it i would instantly know that i had to get it to them. you should definately not have been put in a position where you needed to text more than once or where you were going to him, never mind multiple texts (ignored-what a jerk) or having to take on that walk. especially in the rotten weather we had yesterday, what a pig.

so he says he didnt know you were offering to go there, maybe, maybe not but its obvious you needed the card and if he was in any way caring he would have immiediately left to go to you. if he was in a formal work type situation then he should have absolute minimum suggested you had gone to him. he didnt do either-he texted you saying understand im with my friends and then IGNORED you. he didnt even check to see if you had money or access to it or if there was anyone around to give it to you. he just assumed???wtf ???


clearly he doesnt care about you or respect you or he is to much of a selfish bol!ocks to care.

no matter what the anser is i would run miles

and if he follows you in the car again i would get a restraining order. following a girl alone in a car at night is seriously creepy, and where he wouldnt give you the card unless yoou bent to his ridiculous ultimatums of getting in the car is unbelievably controlling. op this has all the signs of an abusive relationship, if its not now then its clear it could turn into one easily. he is controlling you, not respecting you, having his fun while you were prevented from yours and following you????

RUN RUN RUN

MistyCheese

opinions please wrote: »

he said he assumed someone else would give me money

opinions please wrote: »

now he claims that he assumed i had money.

opinions please wrote: »

he then said he assumed someone else would be at home that i could borrow money from and says if he realised i was stuck he would have come to give it to me.

So he first assumed that you had money, then that someone else with you would give you money and finally that someone at home could lend you money? These three assumptions don't really go together. I'd say he's just saying whatever he thinks will get him off the hook.

slowmoe

Neyite wrote: »

in another point, what was it he wanted you to 'understand' - this part of what he said made no sense? is it that he wanted you to understand that his friends/social life are more important than helping his girlfriend when she is badly stuck???

there have been lots of times where ive ended up at work where my OH has my card, and vice versa. you dont leave someone without access to their own money ffs.

keep being mad at him until you get a sincere apology from him. you deserve nothing less

this whole post is bang on the money. you came second to his friends regardless that you were very stuck. he never bothered to consult you on if you had money or if people were around to loan until later (which is still putting you in a bad position i might add) and sounds like he thinks he did nothing wrong. keeping you from having access to your own money and not droping what he was doing IMMEDIATELY and coming to you with it is unacceptable behaviour

as other people said i would be thinking strongly that he is chaeating on you. any friend could understand someone having to leave for a few mins to return a bank card, that he didnt even want to tell them sets off major alarm bells. he clearly was chatting someone up or getting it on and didnt want to mention he had a girlfriend. dump him op. and find yourself someone deserving who treats you with a bit of respect

LegacyUser

Yeah, sounds like he was doing something he shouldnt have been doing, or with someone he shouldnt have been with, if I was you Id buy a new sim card now I have the bank card back, wipe him out!

LegacyUser

Thanks again for all the replies. I sent the thread to him in the hopes it would hammer it home. All i got back was 'well i guess that speaks for itself'.


So i think his response is speaking for itself and this relationship has come to an end. Thank you everybody for showing me that i'm not insane and that my hurt feelings aren't just an overreaction

LegacyUser

I hope you're ok OP.

I know it probably doesn't feel like it right now, but on the bright side you've probably been saved from even more heartbreak in the future.

As another poster pointed out, at best he was just a selfish and inconsiderate prat or at worst a cheater. Either way, i'm sure you can do far better for yourself than that

Best of luck!