Can a cheat really change?

LegacyUser

hi all, long story short i'm back with my ex about 6 weeks now, last year while i was pregnant he started cheating on me with a girl from the internet he'd never met before. He constantly denied there was something going on but for a finish i just wouldn't let it drop until he admitted it to me.
so, he left me to go be with this girl. i was only 2 months pregnant at the time and lost the baby after this happened. (about a month later)
we were together around a year when this happened. This incident completely broke my heart and smashed it into little pieces.
I had no contact with him for 6 months until he came back begging for forgiveness and i let him back.
The thing is and i know i'll probably get slated for this... i still love him. For all the horrible things he's done he really seems to have changed.. he's gone out of his way to prove that he's sorry and is so caring, loving and affectionate. He's gone back to the way he was when we first met.
And here's the big BUT! i am so terrified he'll hurt me again, so far we haven't had sex (my choice) and i'm very slow and reluctant to let him back in completely.
Has anyone here been with a cheat that has changed?? can this relationship work after what's happened?
Would really appreciate any opinions just trying to get my head round it. I've tried being with other people but have zero interest i can only think of him>
HELP!!

LegacyUser

Op what age are you, do you have kids etc?

LegacyUser

i'm 28. I have no kids. I was in a 5 year relationship before this one and the feelings i had didn't even come close to what i feel for this one.
Anyone any advice please?

julie2tubz

If I were you I wouldn't go back to this guy because even if he's changed you'll never have peace of mind. You will always be wondering and doubting him.

This is no way to live in my opinion. It is just a headwrecking situation that you don't deserve.

krudler

Get rid, cheaters will tell you whatever you want to hear to get back in your good graces when it suits them, where was he for six months after you lost the baby? For me once the trust is gone, its gone, think about it if you let him back in you're letting him get away with it, and forever more you'll have doubts and suspicions in your mind, every time hes late home, or doesnt ring you, or is acting wierdly around his pc or phone, alarm bells will sound, does that sound like a fun way to spend your life?

dudara

Do you trust him and do you think he has attoned for what he did? If you think he has, then it's up to you to give the relationship another go.

However, don't go into this relationship if you think that you will be looking over his shoulder the whole time etc. That lack of trust will destroy you.

Curry Addict

there is a huge difference between cheating on someone And walking out on someone u made pregnant to cheat with someone u barely know causing you huge distress.

he failed you and your unborn child on many levels. way too many levels .

Greyfox

I don't think cheaters ever change. I'd never take a cheater back cause I know I could never ever trust a cheater again

LegacyUser

Yes, he has treated me appalingly, there's no getting away from that (hard as i try!). according to him He finished it with her cos he was wracked with guilt about leaving me in my condition.
He's now talking about long term plans, he wants to build a house, have a family with me etc.etc.
IF (very big IF) i do decide to trust him again, i don't want to be looking over my shoulder like you said...everytime the phone rings or he's on his laptop for long periods of time...if i'm gonna do this i want to trust him completely and i really don't know if i want to be put thru something like that ever again. (wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy)
But also, i don't want him coming back to me Just because he feels guilty, the guilt will eventually wear off and i'll end up with a very unhappy man who isn't in love with me and will probably cheat again.
Thing is, how do i tell if it's the guilt or his heart talking??
thank you for all your advice guys, everything you are saying makes sense.. it helps to get it out in the open, i can't really talk to friends about this as they want nothing to do with him.

Peggypeg

Hey OP,

He cheated on you when you were 2 months pregnant with his baby and the baby then died. Considering all you've been through I'm going to say this in as nice a way as possible. He is a horrible, horrible, horrible person, that doesn't change, EVER!!! There is just no way in hell you should let someone like that back into your life. Please get into councelling to find out why you would even consider it. Please have some self respect and dignity and cut all contact with that guy, he's poison. The only thing he'll ever bring you is heartache, on top of that your self esteem, confidence and self worth will be erroded away. I'm hoping with all my heart that you see some sense and cut all contact. If you think of getting back with him just remember how badly he's made you feel, remember how you felt after the miscarraige, hopefully that will make you see sense.

Best of luck.

dudara

Again, I'm going to go against the grain here and say that the only person who can answer this is you. A relationship can fail because of infidelity. But recovering from infidelity can make relationships stronger. Many people here on Boards in long-term, mature relationships will testify to this. Of course, on the other hand, the damage done can be insurmountable.

I think that you are asking the right questions i.e. Can I trust him? Is he returning for the right reasons? These are very important questions. You and him need to have serious conversations - the only way a relationship grows is when both people know and understand the expectations in the relationship.

Take your time, have the discussions. But if you do go back to the relationship, both of you will need to leave your luggage at the door.

vicecreamsundae

if it was a case of him getting blind drunk one night and kissing someone else and then feeling terrible about it, i'd feel like it could just be a one off and he might deserve a second chance...but he intentionally met a woman from the internet, repeatedly and then lied about it? i'm afraid that's the kind of guy i would never trust again.

there's a difference between screwing up once and consciously seeking out an affair and keeping it secret.. and while you were pregnant?! ugh.

i know a lot of women who've been in positions like this and take them back because they still love them. i know it's not easy to shut out someone you love, but i think you're just going to learn your lesson the hard way, except next time he will truly break your heart. i'd avoid like the plague.

ziedth

^ this is the main point IMHO.

Allot of people can slip up and make a stupid mistake once but after that it goes into deception which is worse then the act itself.

So no, seeing as he went around cheating till you forced it out of him I think it could easily happen again.

That point is all moot though as leaving you while pregnant to be with a girl he doesn't know is def (and I really hate the term) a deal breaker.

Elle Collins

The truth is some can and some can't OP, but in your case I would advise that you let him go because IMO what he did was unforgivable. I'm sorry, I know that's not what you want to hear, but the thing is even if you and he do make a go of it, even if it feels like it's working out for a time, you will never get rid of that niggling in the back of your mind, and that's no way to live a life or conduct a relationship. I'm sorry.

ilovetosing

Elle Collins wrote: »

The truth is some can and some can't OP, but in your case I would advise that you let him go because IMO what he did was unforgivable. I'm sorry, I know that's not what you want to hear, but the thing is even if you and he do make a go of it, even if it feels like it's working out for a time, you will never get rid of that niggling in the back of your mind, and that's no way to live a life or conduct a relationship. I'm sorry.

Op I feel for you and tbh this advice right here is the best you will get. For me It happened and I tried to forgive and forget and I did do that! I forgave and I tried to forget but even tho you get over it you will never get over that lingering feeling over your shoulder that he/she could be off doing it again! This was the case for me and my ex and it took me 8 months after the incident to realise this!!

Thank god for youth is all I'll say!

Everything happens for a reason! This happened to you because YOU WERE NOT supposed to be with this guy because there is someone a million times better waiting you just have to wait till you find it and believe me you will.

LegacyUser

Thanks for the replies guys, to be honest, i'd much prefer if he had got drunk and slept with someone as a once off rather than actually seeking her out. That, i would find easier to forgive.
He's still being nice as pie and i'm really struggling to plaster a fake smile on my face... he says he's all excited that i'd even consider talking to him again, let alone being with him..says he was in a strange place in his life and he panicked when he found out i was pregnant, worried if we'd have enough money and what his family would say and blablabla
so instead of doing the manly thing and talking about it, he closed up, lied and ran away with someone else.
according to him it's the biggest regret he's ever had, blaming himself for me losing the baby cos i was so stressed etc,.
This girl he was with has found my profile on facebook and sent me a P mail on it today, telling me he shouldn't be with me that he should be with her and that i need to get over myself and stop giving him the guilt trip, I'm by no means a violent person, never have been but if she keeps this up or approaches me she will be getting a slap.
i don't know what he's told her but i've had enough.
It's the last straw for me.

washiskin

What a bitch :eek:

Really it's breathtaking how f**king hateful people can be.
You deserve so much better than this, OP.

Kick him the f**k out and tell him to keep that skank on a leash :mad:

Taltos

OP

He abused your love and trust.
And now you have his ex in your life?

I mean - come on - do you deserve to be with someone who really could not give 2 F**ks about you? He clearly doesn't.
And her telling you to stop giving him a guilt trip - well something stinks there.

If it was me. I would just close the door on him right now. Calmly tell him - that yes what he did was horrible - it was his choice, and your choice now is to remove him from your life permanently.
Sometimes when you make a crappy choice - you just gotta live with the consequences...

Sorry this happened to you - but imagine 10yrs down the line - with maybe small children - can you put them thru what he has just put you through???

Peggypeg

isitpossible? wrote: »

It's the last straw for me.

Oh, thank god. I mean talk about doing you a favour!!! you should be buying that girl a bunch of flowers not slapping her. Think about it, what has she saved you from? A lifetime of being with a useless, spineless, cruel, heartless so and so. God help that girl is all I can say, can you imagine being so pathetic as to send you that message? The poor girl mustn't have an ounce of dignity or self respect. Honestly OP, I would consider even the thoughts of getting back with that waster as sheer maddness. I'm so thankful that you've opened your eyes, you deserve so much better. I honestly mean it OP, what he did is so scummy it defies words and there is just no justification for what he did. Please don't let him weasel his way back in, look at him through newly opened eyes and see him for what he is; a spineless, weak, pathetic, cheating, lying, man-child.

P.S If you haven't gone to counselling I would urge you to go, you've been through an awful lot and the fact you even considered taking him back means your still vulnerable I think, please look after yourself and come back here if you need to chat.

FreudianSlippers

Honestly I think a cheat is always a cheat. I do think cheaters can make a conscious decision not to cheat in the future, but the temptation is always there for them. I draw parallels to smoking: Sure, you can quit smoking... but if someone hands you a cigarette and tells you "here have this, your S.O. will never find out!" you would be temped to take a drag or have a couple fags. It is about whether or not you have the willpower and the desire not to "smoke" (read: cheat) again, not whether or not you are tempted.

dudara

isitpossible? wrote: »

This girl he was with has found my profile on facebook and sent me a P mail on it today, telling me he shouldn't be with me that he should be with her and that i need to get over myself and stop giving him the guilt trip, I'm by no means a violent person, never have been but if she keeps this up or approaches me she will be getting a slap.
i don't know what he's told her but i've had enough.
It's the last straw for me.

Ignore her and take the higher ground. People who have to resort that kind of cr*p will inevitably get what they deserve.

Ickle Magoo

isitpossible? wrote: »

Thanks for the replies guys, to be honest, i'd much prefer if he had got drunk and slept with someone as a once off rather than actually seeking her out. That, i would find easier to forgive.
He's still being nice as pie and i'm really struggling to plaster a fake smile on my face... he says he's all excited that i'd even consider talking to him again, let alone being with him..says he was in a strange place in his life and he panicked when he found out i was pregnant, worried if we'd have enough money and what his family would say and blablabla
so instead of doing the manly thing and talking about it, he closed up, lied and ran away with someone else.
according to him it's the biggest regret he's ever had, blaming himself for me losing the baby cos i was so stressed etc,.
This girl he was with has found my profile on facebook and sent me a P mail on it today, telling me he shouldn't be with me that he should be with her and that i need to get over myself and stop giving him the guilt trip, I'm by no means a violent person, never have been but if she keeps this up or approaches me she will be getting a slap.
i don't know what he's told her but i've had enough.
It's the last straw for me.

You really need to put the blame at the right door. How does she know your facebook page? Why is she saying these things? Why is she even in your life? I don't think it's going to do you any good to get mad at a women your partner left you for. He's made the mess, he's made the situation here - no-one else. You have to remember that and stop pushing the blame onto the "other woman".

Can cheaters change? Yes, of course. Cheating on one partner and not another is fairly common. The difficulty is when it's someone who cheated on you changing their ways within the same relationship - or whether a relationship can survive infidelity on the kind of level and in the circumstances yours did? I think only you can answer that but if you are going to spend a lifetime looking over your shoulder, I don't think it's really worth it - plenty of good guys out there.