Selfish?

LegacyUser

I have a problem.

Firstly, let me start out by saying that yes, I probably am the most selfish person alive and I am aware of that fact.

Bit of a background. I’ve a history of depression, anxiety, panic, self harm and one suicide attempt. It started after I was sexually abused by a family member as a child and emotionally abused by my mother ever since. I started to self harm when I was 9/10 (don’t really remember the finer details) and was doing it regularly up until about 2 years ago. That’s when I tried to take my life (overdose, puked it all back up almost as soon as I’d swallowed). So I made a deal with my then counsellor – I wouldn’t self harm again (long story). Then I finished college, took hold of my life, moved out of home and hadn’t really looked back. Until recently.

I left home about 18 months ago because I was offered an amazing opportunity. It involved moving a good distance away from home, but that was part of the draw. My mother has a problem with alcohol. I wouldn’t classify her as an alcoholic, but she does have some reliance on drinking, and she changes when she drinks. When she has had just one or two beers she’s fine, her bad mood is gone and she’s ok to be around. But she rarely stops at those one or two and when she drinks more she gets verbally abusive (never wanted you, tried to abort you, you’ve messed up my life, I wish I’d never had you, nobody likes me, etc etc etc), which is difficult to listen to. When I was at home I’d hear these things and then go cut myself to relieve the pain.

The past few months have been difficult for her. Family circumstances have changed and she doesn’t see herself as having a say in the family life. She’s had to take a paycut in work. She’s got loans coming out of her hole and isn’t paying up so she’s going to get a summons to court to pay. I’d help her if I could but I earn just enough to get by (I get around €1200 a month, pay €400 rent, €100 bills, €200 car loan, doesn’t leave much for me nevermind to help pay her bills). She’s been bailed out before by family members – around €20,000 in total – but still she’s ended up in debt again. I do my best, I buy her new clothes and try to get home as often as possible to see her, talk most days on the phone etc.

It’s a single parent family btw, and I’m an only child. She’s living with other relatives at the minute (same people she’s lived with all my life). These relatives are worried about her. So am I.

I’ve been home the past few weeks for recouperation after an illness. So I’ve been here for the bad parts of her day that I’d normally miss. I’m scared for her, she’s crying constantly, she’s got no interest in life and the only time she smiles is when she’s got a beer. I’ve been told by relatives that she’s only happy when I’m around – if this is happy I’d hate to see sad… Which is a lot of pressure on me!

I’ve started seeing somebody, it’s the first time I’ve ever mentioned seeing somebody to her. She doesn’t like it, even though she’s never met him, and is constantly making smart comments about him and his profession. She’s also got an unhealthy obsession with my sex life and asks questions that I’m not comfortable answering. There’s nothing to answer anyway, nothing has happened with this guy – he respects my decision to want to wait a while. But I can’t tell her that because if I did I’d be mocked for not doing anything with him. I get mocked if I don’t want a drink (you’re such a bore!) or if I choose to stay in and watch a DVD when everyone else is heading out (no wonder you have no friends).

Last night she went out. She’d been grumpy since Friday night, we’d a falling out over something ridiculous. Yesterday she was okay, but last night she had a few drinks and was mumbling about not wanting to go on, and how if things didn’t work out she’d just give up. I can’t listen to this. The way she’s been treating me I’ve wanted to cut myself every day. I’ve got lots of stuff going on in my personal life at the minute and I can’t deal with her stuff at the minute.

She got home some time around 3, woke up the whole house, and called a lot of people. She also called the samaratins, so I’m glad she’s talking to someone, but it makes me worry any more.

I don’t know what to do. If I stay I will hurt myself, and that’s not a threat or anything, I know my body and my responses to what’s going on, and sooner or later I know I’m not going to stay strong and I’ll cut.

So what do I do? Fight or flight response tells me to protect myself, get out of here and sort my own head and problems out before trying to help her. But I’ll always worry – what if I’m too late to help her after sorting out my own stuff?

Cheap Thrills!

You are not one bit selfish. Your Mother is though.

I don't doubt she is depressed and has a drink problem but she seems to be playing helpess (taking no personal responsibility) and refusing to help herself.

The other thing she is doing is trying to manipulate you with guilt. Threatening suicide is a powerful weapon that people find very hard to deal with. no wonder You are so stresssed.

You are not responsible for your Mam, she is. You can't solve her problems, you are only human. It doesn't look like the other relatives in the home can either.

I'd really get out of there if I was you. Ignore her ranting and blaming you or anyone else. Don't react to the poison she is spouting.

A very good book on the subject is 'Toxic parents' by Susan Forward.

MagicSean

You have to look out for yourself first. Then you can try and help your mother. If you spiral back down you won't be much help to her. Get back to your own life but try and keep in regular contact with her so she knows you're still there. Don't take any abuse though. The minute she starts to get abusive tell her you can't talk to her when she is like that and leave the room or hang up the phone. Then try again the next day. Its very easy to get sucked in and before you know it you're rowing about something. So you have to recognise the signs and stop it before it starts.

In regards to her drinking and debt there isn't much you can do. You can't help someone who won't help themselves. Getting bailed out by her family has thought her nothing so she may have to hit rock bottom before she will try to change. That's why it's important for you to keep in regular contact, even if it is only brief phone chats, so she knows you are there when she needs you most.

miec

I don’t know what to do. If I stay I will hurt myself, and that’s not a threat or anything, I know my body and my responses to what’s going on, and sooner or later I know I’m not going to stay strong and I’ll cut.

Hi Op

The answer to your question is the above. Another Op suggested 'Toxic Parents' I would urge you to read it, I did and it changed how I related to my parents. It is a weird paradox that abusive parents tend to have children who will do everything to help them and their loyalty defies logic despite the abject cruelty and evil behaviour.

I know you feel a loyalty to your mother, but you should use that loyalty for yourself. Your mother is responsible for her own life, it sounds like she is very damaged and in that she tried and almost succeeded in damaging you. Her behaviour drove you to suicide and years of self harm, you have had the amazing strength to build a life for yourself away from the ugliness and now she is trying to pull you back into that. You owe it to yourself to look after yourself. You are being pulled by guilt, and I wonder whose words are those when you call yourself 'selfish', you or your mother. You are not selfish but you do have the right to a decent, good life but only you can do that and it may mean some very tough decisions.

LegacyUser

Hey guys,

OP here.

Thanks for your replies, nice to know I'm not alone.

It's just difficult to try and cope with all of the issues I have in my life at the minute - her, my other relatives & their concerns for her & their own issues, issues with friends, dealing with issues related to work... It's all too much

Have made an appt to see a counsellor during the week, hopefully a big rant will help.

Afraid to say much more about what's going on here online because I'm paranoid people will find out who I am!

mollymascara

belfast_belle wrote: »

Hey guys,

OP here.

Thanks for your replies, nice to know I'm not alone.

It's just difficult to try and cope with all of the issues I have in my life at the minute - her, my other relatives & their concerns for her & their own issues, issues with friends, dealing with issues related to work... It's all too much

Have made an appt to see a counsellor during the week, hopefully a big rant will help.

Afraid to say much more about what's going on here online because I'm paranoid people will find out who I am!

Reading your posts, IMO, you are stronger than you believe yourself to be. More importantly, YOU ARE NOT BEING SELFISH!! (just wanted to stress that).
It is believe by some that an alcoholic is more than just excessive drinking, it is the behaviour and damaged caused as a result.
You cannot fix a problem like that, it is up to the individual to sort themselves out.
Reading what you've written, you seem very overwhelmed by your current situation, and I would agree with you that "a rant" with the counsellor will help clear any frustration and allow you to tackle your own issues you are having.
What I will say, first and foremost, minding yourself isnt being selfish at all, it is quite the opposite. Help yourself, sort through your own issues, and then if possible help your mother.

I can kind of relate to some of what you have posted, so if in need of a rant before your apt, PM okay

I hope you can find it in yourself not to punish yourself but to mind yourself

LegacyUser

Thanks for your support guys, makes me feel a little better to know that I'm not being selfish or not the only one who's had mommy issues!