Can't handle it anymore

LegacyUser

I've come to the realisation recently that I've fallen completely for a girl (lets call her Jane) I've known for the past year and a half.

Prepare for cliches: I think about Jane all the time, before I go to bed, when I get up. As I'm working my mind will drift to her. I don't like to think I'm idolizing her as I know she has flaws, I think the phrase "love is blind" seems appropiate.

I love everything about her, nothing she has done or could do could put me off her.

She has a boyfriend (Tom) , the guy is a complete using tool who continously guilt trips her into being with him saying a load of rubbish to keep her to himself. Over the time I've known her she has broken him with him after he showed his true colours only to get back with him after 6~ weeks of begging.

I understand she obviously has feelings for him and hopes that he will change. Also he is her "first" so theres that connection there that maybe she feels shes a girl in a love story (!).

I am always there for her and regularly drop large hints about how much I like her, without making it TOO obvious. She never puts me off with these hints by accepting them and responding with a look that says she likes me too.

As I write this I am in the middle of alot of stuff in my life and I feel this is the cherry on top - I am coming to tears now just thinking about Jane and Tom being together. She deserves so much better and I know I can give it to her.

I try to get it out of my head to concentrate on my work (which is VERY important at the moment so I really don't need this effecting it) but it regularly swims back in there and nearly makes me feel sick to the teeth.

I'm waiting for the next opportunity for Tom to show his true self so I tell Jane how I feel. I need her to know. At least once. No time is right I know that so I figure the best thing to do will be to help Jane through it the next time and tell her how she is worth so much more.

I just don't know what to do, I just can't hack it at the moment...

zxcvbnm1

Dude - you have it bad.
Saying that, a lot of people have had it bad at some point - including myself.

You want my advice - you have to get out and find some other women to like. They are everywhere.
I know that you think no-one could possibly live up to jane - but its just a mindset.
In all likelihood she is probably aware u like her and is enjoying the ego boost. The fact is she is going out with Tom by choice.

In a nutshell - you have to move on or else u will go insane.
If that means cutting off all contact thnme so be it.

Either that or else just tell her how you feel. She probably wont reciprocate though. But at least you'll get it out of your system.

By the way - why didn't u make a move in the past when she broke up with tom?

LegacyUser

When she last broke up with Tom I made some advances (though I didn't realise at the time just how much I would grow to like her) but they weren't reciprocated.

When they werent reciprocated I thought she must'nt like me and managed to move on for awhile but within weeks I started not being able to get her out of my head, she grew on me more and more.

I then learned that at the time I was making advances she was going through some extremely traumatic stuff in her life regarding her family and that left me with the impression that she didnt want to get into anything with me because her head was so messed up at the time.

Several weeks later as I mentioned she got back with Tom, my thinking behind this along with the guilt tripping and begging is that Tom was something familiar to her.

Maybe I'm just making excuses but my strongest feeling is that I LOVE this girl and if I let her slip without so much as a fight - what does that say? I need to fight for her, she is everything to me..

Ickle Magoo

OP,

Sorry to say it but I think you have to move on. You've told Jane you like her and unless Jane is blind, she'll know how you feel and yet she hasn't finished with Tom and she hasn't given you any signs that she wants a relationship with you.

From a female perspective it's quite awkward to have a male friend fancy you and she may well be being polite and trying not to hurt your feelings. Whether her bf is a tool or not is largely academic, I don't think convincing yourself that she's "only" going out with him because of X, Y or Z is going to help.

By all means spell out how you feel but I think you'd be better off cutting contact and getting over her - maybe tell her to give you a call if she finishes with Tom and wants to go on a date and leave the ball in her court? Either way, I don't think it's healthy to be obsessing over an unrequited love and you are better off getting some kind of closure.

Best of luck.

beks101

Tell her how you feel. Life's too short and if you don't you'll always wonder if she felt the same.

Be prepared, however, for your feelings to not be reciprocated and/or to lose your friendship with her and the heartache that will ensue from there. Maybe you're already too far in the friendzone for her to even consider you romantically. Maybe she enjoys the ego boost.

Or maybe she feels the same.

It's a huge risk, but you sound miserable and need either progression here or closure. The only way you'll get out of this is by telling her. Bite the bullet, you can do it!

zxcvbnm1

abouttoexplode123 wrote: »

When she last broke up with Tom I made some advances (though I didn't realise at the time just how much I would grow to like her) but they weren't reciprocated.

When they werent reciprocated I thought she must'nt like me and managed to move on for awhile but within weeks I started not being able to get her out of my head, she grew on me more and more.

I then learned that at the time I was making advances she was going through some extremely traumatic stuff in her life regarding her family and that left me with the impression that she didnt want to get into anything with me because her head was so messed up at the time.

Several weeks later as I mentioned she got back with Tom, my thinking behind this along with the guilt tripping and begging is that Tom was something familiar to her.

Maybe I'm just making excuses but my strongest feeling is that I LOVE this girl and if I let her slip without so much as a fight - what does that say? I need to fight for her, she is everything to me..

Ok - so in a nutshell when she was single you did make a move and she didn't reciprocate - and then later got back with Tom ?

Ok - this all seems fairly cut and dry to me.
She likes you as a friiend - she fancies TOm.

You can go on about family issues all you want - but if she fancied you more than Tom she wouldn't have ended up with Tom after you making a bit of a move on her while she was single.

Bottom line your choices are this

1) Just tell her outright right now so u can draw a line under it
2) Tell her nothing and continue to see her as a friend (and drive yourself insane)
3) Cut off contact with her and try to forget about her.

I don't really see any choices outside of those 3.

For what it's worth, I was crazy about a girl for 2 years before also. In the friend zone. Over analyzing every little nuance.

I eventually told her how i felt - assuming she was not interested.
And guess what - she wasn't interested. But it drew a line under the whole thing for me and i found it surprisingly easy to move on.

gonnaplayrugby

its life man, the boy next door never wins. you have it lucky she likes u as a friend, the girl i like doesnt even like me dat much.