has my ex "set the bar" or is it just me?!

LegacyUser

i'll try to keep this as short as i can...

i'm mid thirties gay woman, had a few relationships in my time, about 6 years ago i met the woman who i believe is my "soulmate" (cringe) and at the time, she said i was hers etc. we had an unbelievably strong INSTANT connection, to the point where it was sometimes telepathic (REALLY don't mean to sound so airy fairy here...).

we were together for a while but it soon became clear that we were both at very different places in life, so it ended....badly, and we havent spoken since.

since then i've been with a few women and had one serious relationship that ended about a year ago and have just recently met a lovely woman who is funny, clever, witty, hot, successful and mad into me - all the boxes are ticked. the problem is - because i had SUCH a strong connection with the one from 6 years ago and was SO attracted to her, everyone else i meet doesn't come anywhere close. its like she "set the bar" and no one makes me feel what i felt for her....

now, i am 100% over her and over the relationship but i just feel like i'm never going to have that with anyone again. i know it sounds a bit dreamy and even a bit silly and i don't believe in the whole "there's one person for everyone ad thats it" theory, but i'm wondering if its me? have i completely romanticized the connection with the one from 6 years ago or am i really just not meeting people that wow me? do i give this thing with this new woman a go and see if i "develop" that mad connection or is it a case that if it's not there initially, it never will be? have i built her up to such a high standard, that realistically, no one will ever match it?

i really don't know what to do, any advice would be great...

Wurly

Hey there OP.

Think back to the time that you were with your ex. Was there anything that irritated you or annoyed you about her as a person?

Was there anything that frustrated you in the relationship?

Bring yourself back to the break up. Things must have been bad to break up and not speak again. Think about that...

When you've answered these questions to yourself, stay with them for a while.. Hopefully you may find that the unbeatable connection may not be as brill as you remember. Because like everything, it had its bad points.

We can have so many different connections with people. One may feel telepathic, one may involve the exact same type of humour... So by idolising your ex like this, you are missing out on different types of connections with other women. And because it's not the same type of connection you are getting, then you are automatically dismissing it as 'not good enough'. It may be good enough given the chance but you wont allow yourself to get to that point.

Entertain the notion to 'not believe everything you think'. We all look back on moments of our lives and think things were much better than they were. If they were indeed so great, then would you not still be together?

It's okay to look back and remember a beautiful connection. You are lucky to have had that and the memory should be cherished. However, it is beginning to contaminate your present and ultimately your future. You have to put your foot down on your own mind here.:) When it's running away with itself, you have to say 'stop'. It's learned to do this when a new person comes along. It's not working and it's not useful. So you have to tell your mind to shut up.

foolish

I think you need to look to the future here & not stay in the past. You've met someone you like, who is attractive, "ticks the boxes" as you say.What is preventing you from taking a chance with this person? If it is purely idealised memories of the past, then that would be a mistake. If it is because you don't feel chemistry, then don't proceed. Everything is a risk. Love is rarely there - or even being in love - is rarely there when you start off with someone but it can grow and you can end up being quite surprised. If you're instinct about this new relationship is good, then go with it. If this new girl makes you happy, then go with it. See where it takes you. I'd be interested to know what it is that is preventing you from proceeding with it.

Beruthiel

settingthebar wrote: »

now, i am 100% over her and over the relationship

I don't believe you are.
If you were, you wouldn't be looking for the same things in other people.
I've had had a few serious relationships in my time, each one very different and each one with their pros and cons.
No two were alike.
To expect that they can be is unreasonable.

You have to let that relationship go. I mean, really let it go and stop expecting other people to fullfill your expections in the same way.

Your new g/f sounds great, why not just enjoy her and see where it goes.
Without the expectations.