Lost respect for uncle

LegacyUser

Prompted by another thread & want to be anonymous.

My partner and I were discussing who we would invite to our wedding. My mum thinks we should invite all the aunts and uncles on both sides so as to not cause a rift.

However, I found out a number of years ago that one of my uncles fathered a child when he was 20. He refused to get involved with him, abandoned the mother and basically opted out of his life completely. His son grew up in the same small town and it seems everyone knew my uncle had been a tw*t but never called him on it. He has since married and has a family of his own.

I really object to him treating his son like this. He is a different man to me now and I have really lost the admiration and respect I had for him growing up. I know people react to things differently but he has still not taken any monetary or emotional responsiblity for one of his children and I find it hard not to see him differently. If he was a friend I would not want him at my wedding if he had behaved this way.

Should I keep the peace or stick to my guns? My mum thinks I should just do the traditional thing and not make waves as it wuold be obvious that he was the only one not invited.

Seems like you already know what you want to do.
To be honest though, a wedding is about two people getting married, and while it's great to have people you know and love around you, inviting someone doesn't mean you're agreeing with their life choices, it just means you invited them. You're always free to ignore them on the day.

dilallio

It's a difficult decision.
On one hand, you and your partner are fully entitled to invite whoever you wish, and if you have no respect for your uncle, then you should leave him at home.
The issue here though, is if you don't invite your uncle, and he's the only aunt / uncle left out, what effect will this have on the rest of the family.
The last thing you or your partner need now, is to open up a rift in the family which will cause stress before or during the wedding.
None of his brothers or sisters raised the issue before, so it's possible that they may see you as a troublemaker. Do you need the potential hassle now?
There are other ways you can show your annoyance to him, without affecting what should be a fantastic day for you and your partner. Good luck with the decision.

Taltos

You might not agree with his choice. You might not have made the same mistake he did. But - what gives you the right to judge him?
Yes he is your uncle - but who knows what went on in that relationship?

Having lost respect for him is one thing. But to forcibly ostracize him for a decision he made when he was 20 (not much more than a kid himself).

Look life is too short to be judge-jury and executioner. You don't respect him for his choice - but it was his choice and he has to live with it - so let him get on with his life and get on with your own. I don't mean to criticize you on this - but it seems like you are on track to involve yourself in someone else's life choices when really you should be more concerned with your own.

OS119

dilallio wrote: »

The issue here though, is if you don't invite your uncle, and he's the only aunt / uncle left out, what effect will this have on the rest of the family.
The last thing you or your partner need now, is to open up a rift in the family which will cause stress before or during the wedding.
None of his brothers or sisters raised the issue before, so it's possible that they may see you as a troublemaker. Do you need the potential hassle now?
There are other ways you can show your annoyance to him, without affecting what should be a fantastic day for you and your partner. Good luck with the decision.

to take a contrary view, should you live the rest of your life in hock to what other people think?

you could further argue as to whether you are actually that concerned with the views of people who believe that having a nice, quiet family life is more important than the fact that a child has been abandoned by its father?

OTOH, you should be very wary of digging up old issues, particularly if all of what you know is based on what others have told you (because they want you to think in a certain way) and is of a 'she said, he said' nature.

we never really know what goes on behind closed doors, and while i think that people should be prepared to stand up for what they believe in rather than just look for a quiet life and damn the consequences for everyone else, we should be very aware that the likelyhood of us knowing the full story of some of the most private and intimate parts of other peoples lives are pretty remote.

a possible solution is to talk to a trusted observer, and it'll have to someone who both respects you as an adult, and who had a prety good view of what went on - and to then make a decision, or perhaps take the less challenging route and go for a much smaller, more private wedding - meaning you won't have to invite any of them, and by-passing the issue of this particular uncle who you can then quietly phase out of your life.

good luck,though i'm not sure there actually is a 'right' answer for this one!

fasty

Just invite him. People do bad things sometimes, it happens. If the issue is how you feel about what he did, talk to him about it.

tenchi-fan

You don't know the full story unfortunately. Maybe he didn't want to be involved with the child's mother and that meant it was not possible to have a relationship with his son.

It's something that happened a long time ago so there's no point in you dragging up all the old arguments again.

S23

I'd agree with sentiments from a couple of the posts but I'll keep my advice simple as I can for a complicated situation.

You do not have to live your life 'in hock to what other people think'. I agree with that completley. You are your own person and you can do as you please as you make your way through life and stand by your own convicitions. What others think shouldn't really change that. So if you firmly believe in something don't be afraid to take a stance on it.

However, you presuambly have limited information about what went on. Also, you haven't called your uncle on this yet if this is a big issue now. You found out a number of years ago about this but you obviously haven't made it clear thus far how you feel about it or it wouldn't be such a sticky issue now. All I'd say is that, while you can do what you want, to decide to take a stand on this now is very poor timing at the least if you really are after a family wedding.

Last word on the subject. Since you don't appear to have raised this issue with your uncle have you interacted with him much since you found out? If its a yes then I'm afraid you should have done the nessecary and let him know how you felt (if thats what you want) a long time ago and talked to him about it.

However, if its a no and you don't see this man really then why the hell are you inviting him to your wedding. I'm sure this will upset people but why the fcuk do people invite people they for all intents and purposes don't actually know to their wedding days just because of a tenuous link of being related. Its actions that define people (isn't that what this whole post is about) not the little tags society give them.
I've been invited to "cousins" weddings etc.. over the years. Your talking about people I don't know, don't interact with, don't see and after going to their wedding and going through the motions it would return to the same thing. Why would I go to a strangers wedding just because of a little tag like cousin or uncle. If I don't know the person then I don't really care about them. And if I don't care then why would I go?



It's very backward thinking IMO. Not the family wedding. I fully understand inviting people you love and care about. But the inviting every tenuous and distant relative you have, most of whom you don't know and for all intents and purposes don't care about. I never got my head around that.

I'd say the smaller more private wedding is the way to go. Invite the people you care about and who care about you. No point inviting 50-100 extra strangers who are there for a free meal and a piss up. Its one of the (if not the, depending on the person of course) biggest days of your life. Its about you and your partner. Not your relatives.

Anyway, bottom line is its your day and you can do what you like. Just choose your words wisely as your timing of making this an issue seems like it might be pretty poor to be honest!

Jumpy

Why do people have so much trouble minding their own business in this country?
If you dont like him, dont invite him.
What he did in his past is quite simply none of your concern.

krudler

Everyone has a few skeletons in their closet, you included op, that people may think of them differently if they knew about them, something that he did when he was barely an adult doesnt really have any bearing on his current life. were you even alive when this happened? its not really any concern of yours either way.

LegacyUser

Thanks,
To fill in some blanks, my grandparents told my uncle to step up to the plate, not marry the girl (even though this was 30 years ago) and support his child (he had a good job&has since been very successful in the same company). They were very upset at not having contact as this would have been their first grandchild, but my uncle, as the eldest child, was calling the shots and got his way.
I could understand a 20 year old not having guts, even though he was an adult and had his own home at the time, he knew that sleeping with her could lead to preganancy as this was pre-contraception, but he just abandoned this woman.
Like I say, if I or my partner found out a friend of ours had done this we would find it difficult to have them in our lives.
My parents and his are funding the wedding so obviously they have some say, and other than this we are a close family and I do want the rest of my aunts and uncles and my partners to be part of this0we have already fought a battle over a civil ceremony so I'm not sure I'm ready for another one!!

Taltos

And yet we are still back to - why do you believe you have the right or the duty to call him on this now?

Focus on your own life not others... Life really is too short for this type of drama - I don't say this to make light of you - but by focusing on this - who are you helping? Him? His parents? Your parents?
You will be opening a can of worms here - hope you are prepared for the backlash. It can be ok to be indignant about things like this - but who gave you the right? Yes you have your morals - but if you believed that strongly in them I do not think you would be posting here at this stage - maybe after the wedding wondering why the family is splintered due to your raking over old wounds...

Boskowski

It presumably happened quite some time ago. The guy was 20 and he did the wrong thing, but from your post I gather you probably weren't even around then. So what has it got to with you then?

If you single him out it will raise question-marks and if the rest of your family have any common sense their asking 'whats this all about' being answered by 'oh its this child thing, thats why' will make them go collectively 'wtf?'.

Invite him to the wedding for peace of the family's sake and also because you don't know the full story and it's none of your business. Thats all you're being asked of. You're not being asked to be best friends with him after...

iguana

Maybe an off the wall suggestion but have you considered contacting your cousin? Instead of focussing on being angry with your uncle it could be an idea to do something positive instead and forge a relationship with his son, your cousin.

tbh

you talk about guts.....have you the guts to tell him why you're not going to invite him? If so, feel free to tell him. If not, you're not really in a position to judge him.

OS119

OP, if this bloke were a convicted kiddy-fiddler would you believe that 'its none of your business' just because it happened a long time ago to someone else?

he's done something you really don't approve of, our actions make-up, and define, who we are. if you don't like who he is then don't invite him.

if people give you grief for making a moral stand rather than opting for a quiet life - 'ah, who gives a fcuk about a little kiddy anyway' - then i'd suggest that these probably aren't people you'd want at your wedding either.

fcuk him, and fcuk anybody who sticks up for him.

Taltos

opinionspls wrote: »

(even though this was 30 years ago)

OP - you need to be clear on your motivation here and what you are looking for from this....

Cause pursuing this is one way to make sure your wedding lives in everyone's memory... Maybe not for the right reasons...

LegacyUser

My motivation is that I do not agree with abadoning a child he created while giving his "legitimate" (I hate that word but it will suffice) children are given every opportunity.

I have done some background digging and I know due to financial contraints my cousin was unable to go to college and has been slagged about his background and his rich brothers and sisters. His half-siblings never lacked for anything but my uncle has never contributed a penny of his money or a minute of his time to his child.

I would feel the same if my brother did that. It is a terrible thing to deny your flesh and blood time, money and emotional connections and I do not think it can be excused. I pick my battles; I have other issues I have given in on regarding the wedding but I have thought about this and dicussed it with my partner. It is not a lightly made decision but I want thoughts on if I am doing the right thing by not including him.

I think it is approaching criminal behaviour to leave a child and mother to fend for themselves in difficult circumstances while setting up home and giving your "proper" children every advantage.

Jumpy

OS119 wrote: »

OP, if this bloke were a convicted kiddy-fiddler would you believe that 'its none of your business' just because it happened a long time ago to someone else?

he's done something you really don't approve of, our actions make-up, and define, who we are. if you don't like who he is then don't invite him.

if people give you grief for making a moral stand rather than opting for a quiet life - 'ah, who gives a fcuk about a little kiddy anyway' - then i'd suggest that these probably aren't people you'd want at your wedding either.

fcuk him, and fcuk anybody who sticks up for him.

Yes, its skewed moral levels like yours that cause problems here.
Man who does not see his child =/= kiddy fiddler.
Maybe use an example that doesnt compare him to such as that.

Taltos

opinionspls wrote: »

My motivation is that I do not agree with abadoning a child he created while giving his "legitimate" (I hate that word but it will suffice) children are given every opportunity.

I have done some background digging and I know due to financial contraints my cousin was unable to go to college and has been slagged about his background and his rich brothers and sisters. His half-siblings never lacked for anything but my uncle has never contributed a penny of his money or a minute of his time to his child.

I would feel the same if my brother did that. It is a terrible thing to deny your flesh and blood time, money and emotional connections and I do not think it can be excused. I pick my battles; I have other issues I have given in on regarding the wedding but I have thought about this and dicussed it with my partner. It is not a lightly made decision but I want thoughts on if I am doing the right thing by not including him.

I think it is approaching criminal behaviour to leave a child and mother to fend for themselves in difficult circumstances while setting up home and giving your "proper" children every advantage.

Thanks for clarifying your motivation here. Keep in mind though that this will though make what should be a day to focus on you and your partner all about instead your uncle and his son.
if you can accept this and it will not detract from your enjoyment of the day then that is fine.

Personally as an earlier posted suggested instead of making this the highlight of your wedding I would prefer to talk to my uncle or brother or whomever. He may decide to keep the peace and stay away.
But to be honest - it is actions like this that can cause family feuds... So why not just invite him and invite his son... Show that irrespective of what your uncle has chosen you instead want to embrace the cousin into your family...

edit: pls note doing this will cause friction too - esp if the son has not already been introduced to the family... (still with my earlier why...) but giving you some options if your mind is made up...

tenchi-fan

OS119 wrote: »

OP, if this bloke were a convicted kiddy-fiddler would you believe that 'its none of your business' just because it happened a long time ago to someone else?

he's done something you really don't approve of, our actions make-up, and define, who we are. if you don't like who he is then don't invite him.

if people give you grief for making a moral stand rather than opting for a quiet life - 'ah, who gives a fcuk about a little kiddy anyway' - then i'd suggest that these probably aren't people you'd want at your wedding either.

fcuk him, and fcuk anybody who sticks up for him.

Worst advice ever on boards.ie.

LegacyUser

opinionspls wrote: »

Should I keep the peace or stick to my guns? My mum thinks I should just do the traditional thing and not make waves as it wuold be obvious that he was the only one not invited.

Your uncle is and always will be a loser whether you invite him to the wedding or not.

I think you should invite him, pass yourself with him ('lovely weather') etc and then move on to people who mean more to you. He's really not worth worrying about, thinking about what he did is affecting you way more than it should.

+1 to the suggestion of getting to know your cousin. Maybe invite him to the wedding?

S23

One other thing regarding your motivation OP if you don't mind.

I get what you don't like what he has done and it's fully understandable. However, does your uncle already know this? Does the man know you think he's a bit of a prick and you find what he did abhorrent?

You've know about this a few years so presumably if the whole thing fcuked you off so much you've said your piece or let it be know you don't like the man already. In that case he'd hardly be expecting to be invited to your wedding.

If, on the other hand, you have know for a few years but never bothered making an issue of it or letting your uncle know you think he's a bit of prick and what he did was way out of order then why exactly is it such a big deal to let him know now?

If you've been able to live with it and him for a few years without saying a word about it then surely it can't be that big an issue for you and I'd fail to see why all of a sudden its imperative you make an issue out of it now

glasta

Have you talked to him about this? If not I think not inviting him to your wedding would be pretty low. If it was my niece, I would be exceptionally hurt if she didn't invite me over something she never discussed with me.

Talk to him about it. It happened many years ago. Get his side of the story. We all do things we aren't proud of. Get the full story. Are you willing to essentially end your relationship with your uncle over this? It's not about the wedding, it's about whether you're willing to discuss this issue to heal your relationship with him. If you don't want to heal the relationship, then at least have the courtesy to tell him why.

Personally I would consider it none of my business if I was in your position. I'd tell him I think it was a rotten thing to do and that I was disappointed to hear about it, but at the end of the day it is his life, his mistakes. He would still be my uncle and welcome at my wedding.