confused over friend and boyfriend

LegacyUser

ok where to start:
back over two years ago, had given on men, and what happens, meet a nice guy (call him . happened slowly wasnt as they say in the movies: like fireworks kinda a slow burner, but ended up after year of meeting him, caring for very much guy B.

Guy B is calm, easy going but this is the is also main problem I have with him, He lacks any ambition, he seems happy to dirft along, I know he loves me but Im seriously starting to doubt I can stay with him. He lost his job 6 mths after we meet and hasnt worked since. we never do anything, weekends away, even nights out have dried up! All we do, he comes to see me and we sit in the house.
I have spoken to guy B on this issue, have told him he has to get a job, (before anyone shouts....... I know jobs are difficult now) but nearly two years is a long time, He has stopped even making an effort to look!
Guy B knows how I feel about the lack of job, (and hate saying) "no prospects "

I may sound superficial but I want to be confortable in life and not struggling all of the time, now the way it is with guy B, we cant even afford holiday or weekend away let alone a house etc in 5 or ten years.
we dont live together I work away from home all week.


Roll on to now, above feeling bubbling under the surface.


about a 8mths ago, nice fella (Guy A) moves into my house share, initally thought nice, friendly, sound, got on well from beginning. Guy A has girlfriend of 6 years. as I said we got on well, pulling the piss out of each other etc. Socially if we out together as house etc people would comment on how well we got on. I developed a crush on guy A, never told him, ingored it really mainly due to my commitment to guy B, and Guy A's girlfriend of 6 years!
Guy A ticks alot of boxes for me, attractive, ambitous and a bit firey......I like a good agrument sometimes! he has a decent job that takes him travelling and has a great social life. Guy A was safe, in that I knew my crush would never go anywhere etc. so I let him become my friend.
Last week the situation blew up, after drinks Guy A, hugs me and rests his forhead on me and says "this is difficult but I find you so attractive!" we spoke for a while, and that was that. nothing happened.

this thing as been distracting me beyound belief since. I knew I had a crush on guy A, but never considered it properly. Once he said it to me, I got butterflys in my stomach and wanted him.

a few days later, today basically guy A, after some small talk says he as sorry for telling me he found me attractive, he just was horny and i was the nearest thing! he told me he loves his girlfriend and lets draw a line under it all.


after writing all this I think I know what i need to do,
but I want some opinions.

sorry for length: and guy A and B thing.......

The Recliner

I think the fact that you put the marker "Guy B" on your boyfriend and didn't refer to him as "Guy A" is an indication as to where your head is at

I would assume that in a numbering system or marking system that your boyfriend would be number 1/A

Despite your feelings or lack thereof towards your boyfriend your housemate has a long term girlfriend and whilst he was inappropriate with you he hasn't indicated that he is willing to break up with ehr or cheat on her

Deal with your own situation first and wait and see what happens with your housemate, one situation is not dependant on the other

Your relationship may have runs its course but that doesn't mean that his has, he may just have been going through a rough patch with his girlfriend

LegacyUser

I agree, housemate has stated catergorically that he loves his girlf and will not be breaking up, so Im not holding out for that, housemate was inappriopate with me, but nothing happened and i wouldnt be personally comfortable with it even if it had, I will not be cheating on my boyf.
my boyf will be extremely hurt if we break up, it will destroy him, dispite our ages, mid twenties (me having more experience with relationships, he always says i was his first and only love....)
The numbering system, well initals of either guy might have been too obvious....but yes after re reading it i see your point.

advice is good! keep it coming........

Miss Fluff

Let's deal with A and B as two completely separate issues here. Because the subtext seems to be that you'd like to go straight from being with B to A if A can guarantee a relationship.

You are evidently not at all happy with B. You have different ideals and it seems the spark has gone. You need to decide (and put A out of your head for now) if you seriously think you have a future with this guy. You want a comfortable life, your partner doesn't see it as a priority - that's a dealbreaker imho.

A is attached. So are you at the moment. He has reaffirmed that. Having a crush is fine but you would be ill-advised to act on it while still attached. If you want something to happen with this guy then probably best that you split up with your BF.

Gyalist

confused op ** wrote: »

my boyf will be extremely hurt if we break up, it will destroy him, dispite our ages, mid twenties (me having more experience with relationships, he always says i was his first and only love....)

That is never a good reason to remain in a relationship. So what if he is hurt?

ash23

You're using your current boyfriend as a safety net until something better comes along. You say you don't want to hurt him. But if guy A had dumped his gf and wanted to be with you, you'd dump Guy B without a thought as to how much worse he would feel being dumped for someone else. So it isn't about sparing his feelings.
Because if you wanted to spare his feelings you'd break up with him before you end up leaving him for someone else.

As soon as someone better comes along you'd be gone.

Guy B is your safety blanket, your comforter. He deserves to be more than that to someone who he is in a relationship with.

It might hurt him now but it would hurt him more to be strung along for another few years until another Guy A comes along, one who isn't attached.


PS Guy A doesn't sound all that great if he's coming onto a female friend just because he is drunk and horny and you're the nearest thing to him. On top of having a long term GF. Rose tinted glasses I think. You're looking for an escape route from Guy B. Might I suggest you consider Singledom as a valid option.

LegacyUser

my boyf doesnt deserve to get hurt, he has been nothing but loving and caring towards me, and is happily unaware it seems as to whats going on with my head at the moment! so I would feel quite protective over him, protective is probarly not the right word, loyal maybe (if anyone says a bad word against him....I often defend him)
this is why I'm confused, I love my boyf but I'm not sure if its the sexual, all comsuming love and this housemate has made me feel a small bit of that, ie looking forward to spending time with him, even if just making tea etc together, I get excited to see him.
just wanna repeat im not harbouring any sort of romantic fantasy that housemate will break up with girlf, and come and sweep me away, I'm annoyed that he told me, I could have ingored the crush on him, and worked on things with my boyf. housemate is due to move in weeks anyway for work, so It will not go anywhere.....

LegacyUser

Ash 23

"You're looking for an escape route from Guy B. Might I suggest you consider Singledom as a valid option.

"


at the end of my first post I said I thought I knew what I should do, and wanted opinions and you have hit the nail on the head there.
it just helps to have other opinions....... who wont suger coat it.

LegacyUser

well firstly in my humble opinion GUY A is irrelevent, hes not interested, you say you understand that but - do you really?...GUY A and GUY B makes it sounds like you have a choice between these 2 men...you don't, GUY A doesn't want you, hes made it clear nothings going to happen..he was horny ...you just happened to be there.

it really seems that you're just staying with GUY B because he's "safe" but you know damn well that if someone better comes along you'll drop him in a heart beat. But i mean he'll do for now right?...cos hes "safe", "familiar" , "comfortable"

I know he loves me

my boyf will be extremely hurt if we break up, it will destroy him, dispite our ages, mid twenties (me having more experience with relationships, he always says i was his first and only love....)

umm..you do realise no where in your op do you say you love your bf, care for him yes...but well thats not the same now is it?

of course he'll be hurt, but thats not a reason to stay with someone. How did you get all relationship experience? part of that experience is dealing with breakups, it won't destroy him, just as your breakups didn't destroy you.

I may sound superficial but I want to be <b>comfortable</b> in life and not struggling all of the time, now the way it is with guy B, we cant even afford holiday or weekend away let alone a house etc in 5 or ten years.
we dont live together I work away from home all week.

of course the irony is that isn't it also <b>comfort</b> that makes you stay with your bf?


*reading over that it comes across a little harsh, but the amount of my friends in your situation is mind boggling...you're mid twenties...if ever there was a time to settle its not now! yes some people find being alone a scary prospect, but you're not gona (excuse the terrible cliches) find "mr right" while in a realtionship with "mr ok"

LegacyUser

so forget guy A, general consensus??

I know lots of couples that were together since 17/18 and are now breaking up, But i thought when I met my boyfriend that we were old enough to know what we wanted, I was 23.
the last poster is right, It just makes me sad, I honestly thought my boyfriend was it for me, but i cannot stay with him, if we dont have the same ambitions etc,

to deal with boyfriend.....I may talk to him this weekend regarding my feeling particularly regarding his lack on employment and my general feeling that its not right between us, or that we are acting like we 40 yrs married, when we young?
is it a good idea to talk to boyfriend to try and communicate how i feel about these things? we have spoken before when he assured me, he would try.......and find something ie a job, that hasnt happened.

Its like what happened with guy A (housemate) , dispite him not being interested in me, made me realise what I want from any relationship/man.

ash23

*OP wrote: »

so forget guy A, general consensus??

I know lots of couples that were together since 17/18 and are now breaking up, But i thought when I met my boyfriend that we were old enough to know what we wanted, I was 23.
the last poster is right, It just makes me sad, I honestly thought my boyfriend was it for me, but i cannot stay with him, if we dont have the same ambitions etc,

to deal with boyfriend.....I may talk to him this weekend regarding my feeling particularly regarding his lack on employment and my general feeling that its not right between us, or that we are acting like we 40 yrs married, when we young?
is it a good idea to talk to boyfriend to try and communicate how i feel about these things? we have spoken before when he assured me, he would try.......and find something ie a job, that hasnt happened.

Its like what happened with guy A (housemate) , dispite him not being interested in me, made me realise what I want from any relationship/man.

You can't accept him for what he is. You want to change him and mould him into the boyfriend you want.
It won't work. He is who he is. He is laid back and not driven to find work and not overly concerned about "providing" which is fine. He'll meet someone who doesn't have these concerns either and they'll be blissfully happy with their nights in and shoe string lifestyle.

But thats not what you want.

I also think it would be unfair to lay all the blame at his door. You don't have feelings for him. It reads from your OP that maybe you never really did (been there too!). you may have cared for him and loved him but not in the way he loved you. Thats not his fault. You also have been toying with the idea of someone else. So to basically telling him he has done this, that and the other which has resulted in you not loving him anymore, isn't fair.


You've talked to him before. He hasn't changed. Just end it. Tell him you don't feel the same anymore etc etc. Don't tell him it's because he did or didn't do things.....he'll promise to change and he won't and it'll be back to square one. End it and stick to it.

LegacyUser

I am kinda also in the same position as you i too have a boyfriend who i have been with a long time we also are like an old married couple when we're only in our twenties and i hate it every day i think about breaking up with him as i am so unhappy at the end of the day he is a great guy but he is just not for me and one day i hope to get the courage to leave him so take it from me it wont get any better things will only get worse with him and god knows i have tried telling my boyfriend but to no avail.

LegacyUser

okay, if i am to break up with him, I will not be blaming him for any of it, I will be blaming myself, I will explain how i feel, but I will not blame him.
thank you all for advice, esp ash 23.
I know I have a crush on housemate, hopefully it will pass in good time.
It was like I wanted some of housemate traits ie ambition and some from my boyfriends triats eg calming nature, to mix together into one person, you would think im old enough by now to know thats not how it works!

I feel certain now what i need to do, i just needed a kick to decide.

this week has been wasted on this issue, I have exams and work to contend with, so next week my focus will be on that, and only that. Im usually very good at compartmentalization, It should have happened here, I dont normally let personal over spill into other areas!
thanks again to everyone that replied.