How do I reinvent myself?

LegacyUser

During a counselling session, I realised that I've had an undercurrent of depression all my life, even as a child. I was never able to socialise, and always felt different, and unable to be part of the gang. One part of the problem was that nobody ever told me I could be anything, I always felt inferior, and genuinely believed there was something wrong with me and that I'd have to settle for second best, or even twentysecond best.

I was watching a movie the other night about two guys. One was a good looking, witty, smart, jack the lad, who everyone liked, and who didn't care what anyone thought. The other was a notorious depressive, who moped around, and reeked of depression and introspection. I cringed when I watched him, as I realised this is what people saw when they looked at me, no matter what kind of party hat I tried to put on.

I want to be the first guy, the one everyone instinctively likes. But everything in my makeup is the depressive guy. It's all I know, it's all I've ever been. Giving off an air of depression comes as natural to me as breathing, even when I am in good form and happy in myself. People look at me and feel sorry for me. Girls smile politely, but none will ever see me as a potential partner.

I need to reinvent myself, from the ground up. I have started, by changing my image bit by bit, by throwing out loads of stuff I gathered up around myself for years, by getting rid of things that used to interest me but don't any more, and by taking interest in new things I never considered before.

But I cannot feign the witty, smart, jack the lad. I have a good sense of humour, but quick responses and relaxed, spontaneous chat don't come easy. I have to work exhaustively hard to put on an image for half an hour, that I cannot sustain. The old, depressive me is just too ingrained, and seems to peep out from behind the mask whenever I blink.

I'm tired of people smiling politely but dismissing my company. I want to walk up to a group of people and meld seamlessly with them, instead of looking and feeling like a donkey at Ascot. I've read the books, I'm a great peoplewatcher. I make eye contact and smile. Yet still I am doing something fundamentally wrong. And I don't know what it is.

kjl

Look, I'm all for reinventing yourself, go to the gym, buy some nice new clothes or what not, but the real change has to come from the inside.

You need to face facts, you are not the guy in the movie and you never will be, you can't change who you are. What you need to do instead is to get to like the person you are. Once you can like yourself, other people will like you too. When you are out, don't be self concise about yourself. People aren't judging you, they are more concerned about themselves than you.

I sure you are a cool person in your own way, and I'm sure that you have millions of funny and interesting stories. Just go with the flow.

I know there is no perfect answer to this problem, but a great start would be to write a list of things that you are good at, or things you know about. Why not post them here.

profitius

OP to change yourself you first need to have an image of the person you want to be. You need to get into the habit of seeing yourself as being like that.

You say that your current self image is very ingrained. Well its the same for everybody. Thats why you need to focus on the image you want.

This is a slow process especially in the begining but as you start to see some little results it'll give you confidence and bit by bit you'll transform yourself and people will notice and be attracted to that positive energy.

To get into the habit you need to constantly remind yourself consciously about focusing on the person you want to become. Therefore a good idea would be to leave reminders around your home.

kjl wrote: »

Look, I'm all for reinventing yourself, go to the gym, buy some nice new clothes or what not, but the real change has to come from the inside.

You need to face facts, you are not the guy in the movie and you never will be, you can't change who you are. What you need to do instead is to get to like the person you are. Once you can like yourself, other people will like you too. When you are out, don't be self concise about yourself. People aren't judging you, they are more concerned about themselves than you.

No offence but thats nonsense. Its what losers say and its also wrong.

sponsoredwalk

Why do you have to change yourself and act???

I just read an article in the Journal Nature about the archetypal mathematician - in the early 1700's he was regarded as a man of the world, actively seeking out truth and engaging in all things political and philosophical. Now, if you read a book or turn on the tv the typical mathematician is deluded and crazy, a loner and a freak etc... but a genius really :rolleyes:

What I'm trying to say here is that you, in watching a film and trying to identify with fake characters, are only fooling yourself & will never be perfect or be any type of character other than yourself.

I thought we all learned our morality from "Never Been Kissed" when Drew Barrymore breaks into her speech about not faking it and being happy with who you are...

...just me then...

If you're just freaking people out when you meander up to them why don't you take an interest in these people and ask questions that interest you as opposed to focusing on how you appear to them. Stop waiting for others to act so that you can react accordingly, ripple the waters and show people who you are.

I also advise you not to assume flat out that girls are "assessing partner qualities" like robots with some evolutionary scanner machine, again just be yourself and try to communicate with people as it seems from your post that all you're communicating to people is fear - and people don't like to be feared

kjl

sponsoredwalk wrote: »

Why do you have to change yourself and act???

I just read an article in the Journal Nature about the archetypal mathematician - in the early 1700's he was regarded as a man of the world, actively seeking out truth and engaging in all things political and philosophical. Now, if you read a book or turn on the tv the typical mathematician is deluded and crazy, a loner and a freak etc... but a genius really :rolleyes:

What I'm trying to say here is that you, in watching a film and trying to identify with fake characters, are only fooling yourself & will never be perfect or be any type of character other than yourself.

I thought we all learned our morality from "Never Been Kissed" when Drew Barrymore breaks into her speech about not faking it and being happy with who you are...

...just me then...

If you're just freaking people out when you meander up to them why don't you take an interest in these people and ask questions that interest you as opposed to focusing on how you appear to them. Stop waiting for others to act so that you can react accordingly, ripple the waters and show people who you are.

I also advise you not to assume flat out that girls are "assessing partner qualities" like robots with some evolutionary scanner machine, again just be yourself and try to communicate with people as it seems from your post that all you're communicating to people is fear - and people don't like to be feared

+1

great advice there.

Emme

Whythelongface? wrote: »

I was watching a movie the other night about two guys. One was a good looking, witty, smart, jack the lad, who everyone liked, and who didn't care what anyone thought. The other was a notorious depressive, who moped around, and reeked of depression and introspection. I cringed when I watched him, as I realised this is what people saw when they looked at me, no matter what kind of party hat I tried to put on.

How do you know everyone likes the first guy? He might think everyone likes him because he doesn't care what people think, but the truth might be very different.

Whythelongface? wrote: »

I want to be the first guy, the one everyone instinctively likes. But everything in my makeup is the depressive guy. It's all I know, it's all I've ever been. Giving off an air of depression comes as natural to me as breathing, even when I am in good form and happy in myself. People look at me and feel sorry for me. Girls smile politely, but none will ever see me as a potential partner.

For all you know girls could be trying to get beyond your shell - I bet there are some who would really like to be with you but feel rejected by you. You're probably thinking "oh she doesn't like me" and you walk away, a self-fulfilling philosphy. This mightn't be the case at all, I bet there are plenty of women who like you and would prefer you to the first guy.

Whythelongface? wrote: »

I need to reinvent myself, from the ground up. I have started, by changing my image bit by bit, by throwing out loads of stuff I gathered up around myself for years, by getting rid of things that used to interest me but don't any more, and by taking interest in new things I never considered before.

This is a good thing and advice we could all take.

Whythelongface? wrote: »

But I cannot feign the witty, smart, jack the lad. I have a good sense of humour, but quick responses and relaxed, spontaneous chat don't come easy. I have to work exhaustively hard to put on an image for half an hour, that I cannot sustain. The old, depressive me is just too ingrained, and seems to peep out from behind the mask whenever I blink.

Why would want to feign anything? Have confidence in who you are and be yourself. If you allow your true self to come through things will start to get better for you.

Whythelongface? wrote: »

I'm tired of people smiling politely but dismissing my company. I want to walk up to a group of people and meld seamlessly with them, instead of looking and feeling like a donkey at Ascot. I've read the books, I'm a great peoplewatcher. I make eye contact and smile. Yet still I am doing something fundamentally wrong. And I don't know what it is.

As long as you try to be something you're not it will be a strain on you. Don't be so analytical of yourself and others - that will hold you back. Just enjoy yourself and go with the flow. Good luck - you have a lot more to offer than you think.:)

pepsi1234

People react the way you react to yourself. Start by embracing and accepting who you are and you will be like a magnet to the people right for you.

profitius

sponsoredwalk wrote: »

Why do you have to change yourself and act???

Because he wants to change from being a negative person to a positive person who people are attracted to.

People behave the way they do according to their self image. If they want to change that self image good luck to them, I have. When people talk about being yourself they're telling the person to keep his/her negative self image. That doesn't make sense.

sponsoredwalk

Well I'm sorry that you assume "be yourself" means something pacifying and empty but a) it's not what I meant & b) I mentioned "act" specifically to indicate that although some will accept people faking it all day long there are some of us who'd rather accept a person - even if unpopular :eek: shock! horror! - than somebody who aims desperately to please at the expense of who they really are.

profitius

sponsoredwalk wrote: »

Well I'm sorry that you assume "be yourself" means something pacifying and empty but a) it's not what I meant & b) I mentioned "act" specifically to indicate that although some will accept people faking it all day long there are some of us who'd rather accept a person - even if unpopular :eek: shock! horror! - than somebody who aims desperately to please at the expense of who they really are.

I have to disagree. He has little confidence and a negative view of himself and that why he has so few friends.

If he changed himself into being a more confident person then that would attract people to him. People like to be around others who give them good feelings.

Confident people don't aim to please everybody. Unconfident people do. Like the quiet person in a class who although everyone thinks is a nice person nobody hangs around with he person.

And its not really about acting its about changing who you are.

We'll have to agree to disagree about this but I can only say that I know what its like to change because I've done it and I'm continuing to do it.