Should I contact my nephew?

LegacyUser

Help me out with this one someone please.
I recently 'found' my nephew on FB. He is my brothers son and lives in a different county with his mum. He is 20 now. Background is that my brother was an awful eejit back in the day, and decided he didnt want to be a dad. They argued, split up, he said/she said. He said she wouldn't let him see the child. I'm not sure what she said...but I doubt I believe him. I have wonderful memories of him as he was almost one when they split. I wrote to her at the start - but she wanted nothing to do with my brother at that time, she said she was making a new life for them. These were the days before mobiles...so it wasnt easy to keep track of them at all.
So 20 years later and there he is on FB and I am so tempted to contact him. I have no idea if he even knows that my brother is his dad. My brother btw, has copped on, got married and has a few kids himself now. He never mentions this boy, but my guess is he wouldnt be interested in contact.
What would you do? i wont contact him and say 'hey, im your aunt'...but I would dearly love to make contact with him..
Anyone been through similar and what would you do...
I am a single mum myself btw, and would love my kids to meet their cousin, love to meet him and see where life has lead him. I have lovely pics of him as a baby and have pulled them all out recently and am so nostalgic about him... What to do????

PirateShampoo

Dont contact him until uve spoken to his mother. Does he even know about his bio dad?

LegacyUser

Hey OP
IMHO, i think the very least you need to do is find out exactly where your brother stands on the matter before you make any decision regarding contact. Even if your nephew would be open to getting to know you/your family, no doubt in this case he would want to meet his dad and how can you be sure that you wouldn't be setting him up to be rejected for a second time? From personal experience, that kind of rejection can be so, so damaging to a person.
Also you should be prepared that his mother may have lied to him about his father, and hearing from you will come as a shock.
I sympathise with you totally, Op, it must have been so difficult to have your young nephew cut out of your life like that. Best of luck, i hope things work out

LegacyUser

Thanks for the reply. I have no idea, like I said, we lost contact when he was a baby. Its possible she met someone and raised him without telling him about my brother.
I really dont want to upset anyone - she was a genuinely lovely girl, we were great pals back then. But things got so bad with her and my brother, that she cut all contact.
He is the absolute spit of my brother though - im quite sad when I look at his picture on fb and I think of his life, that I've missed out on. I have many other nephews and nieces and got great pleasure from them over the years, and still do.

LegacyUser

To be honest, i dont think my brother is open to a relationship with him. I mentioned it to him a few years back and he politely asked me not to bring him up again (lovely man, my brother)...

seenitall

Like others said, absolutely do not contact him until you have spoken to his mother first, because you don't know the first thing about what he has or hasn't been told while growing up, and you could by contacting him be opening a whole big can of worms for that family, for which they will not be grateful to you I'm sure.

I sympathise with your situation, and I think if you make an effort to find his mother first through some different means, then by all means try and get in touch and get some sort of contact going.

I don't agree with those who are urging you to take your brother into consideration about this at all - the fact that he has given up on being this boy's family is his choice and his business, but you don't have to follow his example necessarily. As for the boy, well he already knows that the father is not in his life for a good reason probably, and especially with you in the picture, it would be pretty obvious what the father's feelings are on this anyway (as in, him being absent from the picture). Just see what the woman says first.

The best of luck.

LegacyUser

Earlier when i said you should find out exactly where your brother stands, i only meant it so that if/when your nephew asks you questions about him, you can be honest with him and give him answers (even if they aren't nice), not in any way out of consideration for your brother.
Sorry, missed that bit originally in your OP where you said you'd been in contact with his mother after she left. I agree with everyone else, you should probably contact her first.

Chibodee

Definitely DO NOT contact him via facebook...

Honestly I would let just it lie perhaps talk to his mom but don't push the issue...clearly your brother doesn't intend on being a part of this boys life and your nephew has probably come to terms with this! It's a nice pretty picture you paint of getting to know him and introductions to cousins etc.

But nothing like this ever runs smoothly when you're dealing with real people.
I've been through family situations like this and sometimes if nothing happens it would have been best rather than rehashing old emotions and drawing up futher resentment!

LegacyUser

OP here. Im a single mum myself. I have always been open and honest. My kids know they have aunts/uncles and a dad who have all chosen not to be involved in their lives and that they have their own reasons.
But what if one of my kids aunts, feels as I do?
What if they would like to contact one of my kids but dont do so, out of some misguided loyalty to their dad?
I agree that situations like this can often end up disastrously - but is family who genuinely want to know you, catch up with and only want to add to your life, better than no family at all purely based on one mans irresponsibility???
By the way, I wont be contacting my nephew via facebook. I'd never do that to him, never.

jimmycrackcorm

PirateShampoo wrote: »

Dont contact him until uve spoken to his mother. Does he even know about his bio dad?

The guy is a 20 year old adult and doesn't' need his mothers permission. It's also becoming increasingly likely with tech like FB that someone else will contact him anyway.

tbh

jimmycrackcorm wrote: »

The guy is a 20 year old adult and doesn't' need his mothers permission. .

It's got nothing to do with permission, and everything to do with respect for the woman who's raised him from a baby on her own, and doesn't deserve to have a total stranger pull her world down without so much as a by-your-leave.


edit: sorry, OP, thought you'd written the post I quoted. I see now you're not going to contact him - it's the right call I think.

LegacyUser

And I do have his best interests at heart.
Which is why I said i wouldnt contact him through fb.
But can anyone answer my question...is having no contact with family BETTER than having contact with family who genuinely care about you...but who are afraid to contact you because of a misguided loyalty?

Like I mentioned, this is a subject pretty close to my chest - my son doesnt have his dad or extended family in his life. But then I've been honest with him (in an age appropriate way) from the start. And I dont know if my nephews mum has been honest with him.

tbh

Sadaunt wrote: »

And I do have his best interests at heart.

yep, I can see that, sorry again

To answer your other questions, I think it's a choice best left to your nephew. Maybe he'll try to find you one day, but maybe not.

gerrycollins

OP you wont believe me but i thought you were someone I know because my family is going through something almost similar pm me if you want any info etc ps our ending is a good one

LegacyUser

No I doubt you know me, I only saw my nephew on fb today, so I have done nothing about this situation other than to post and see if others have gone through similar.

dollybird2

I'm in the exact same predicament as you OP. I have decided not to make contact as it is really up to his mam what to do about contact with our family and I don't want to cause any upset. It's difficult though, I feel for you.

LegacyUser

These men have no idea the damage they do when they walk away from a child. I speak about my own ex, and my brother. It galls me. My mother is already deceased but her heart was broken that she never saw her grandson after his first birthday. My sister often speaks about this boy. We have told our own kids that they have a cousin they might meet some day.
And just because my a**hole of a brother renages on his responsibilities, we all walk around having lost out on so much of this boys life. We have all pussy-footed around him because his 'choice' was not to be a parent to this boy. And like morons, we respected his choice. Not to mention the rejection the boy himself (might) feel if he knows that my brother is his bio dad.

Im so angry tonight.

OS119

OP, could you not use whatever info your nephew has placed on Failbook to try and locate/contact his mother?

it might take a bit of trauling through the public areas of his profile but he may belong to regional/local FB groups - all of which might give you an idea of where to start looking...

if you can track her down, just, as you say, right to her, make sure she knows you don't want to tread on her toes or upset whatever applecarts she constructed in her new life, and ask if its possible for you to re-establish your relationships with both of them.

maybe you could send he some of your photos - show that you value her and her son and are not a vessel for your brother. lots of discression, lots of 'i understand the situation', and you may get a result.

kudos to you for not barging in.

ash23

Maybe either try to contact his mother through your nephews contacts page. If you don't see her/a family member in his contacts, then maybe email him and ask him if his mum is xyz. Say you are an old friend of hers and you'd love to make contact with her. Pass on your email address.
She will know who you are and will either contact you, or she won't.

I wouldnt tell him as he might have no idea who you are. But I would make contact. I would love for my daughter to be in contact with her father but I don't know where he is or how to find him. I'd love if a family member of his contacted me.

Hrududu

I'd be very cautious about this. You have to look at it from his point of view. You might think you are adding more family to his life. But really its just an aunt and some cousins. Think about it if someone you didnt know contacted you and say "Hey I'm your aunt." How would you feel? Maybe you'd love a new aunt in your life but for me it would be a bit well, meh. And the big thing for him would be the fact that an aunt cares more about getting to know him than his own father does. Which might pour salt into a wound.

And would you meet the guy? You are talking about introducing him to his cousins. So you would be bringing him into the family while your brother still wants nothing to do with him. It just sounds like it could stir up some deep resentments.

It is tough though, I have nephews and nieces myself and if I hadnt seen one since he was a baby I'd be thinking along the same lines as you. But it could be a potential minefield.

LegacyUser

It could be a potential minefield alright.

But it could also be a positive all round. I'm like ash and would love if my kids aunts/uncles/dads wanted to be in their lives.
Whats to say himself or his mam dont feel the same.

gerrycollins

sadaunt wrote: »

No I doubt you know me, I only saw my nephew on fb today, so I have done nothing about this situation other than to post and see if others have gone through similar.

well my family are after coming out the other side of where you are now and for the better.

found out a few years ago that my sister had a son when she was in america 25 years ago. She adopted him in america as to not bring shame on her family as she was not married(a whole other thread)

anyways when all was out in the open she contacted his adopted parents,he has known since he was 5 that he was adopted, and started to talk however he wanted nothing to do with his birth mother or his extended family. He was in the middle of college exams etc so he had enough pressure on him so we all let it be.

however a few weeks ago we found him on facebook aswell aswell as his adoptive mother. we signed up to be her friend,she knew us anyways, and from her page we found our nephew. we asked him to be friend which he accecpted however knowing now he did it without knowing who we were until his wife pointed it out. he started chatting to us on line and sending emails and we have given him some family photos etc and are in constant contact with him.

Its still early days for us and him but his grandparents would love to see him before they meet thier maker but it might take us more than a year to get that sorted.

i know yours is slightly different but I would keep an eye on his page to see what his life is revolving around and maybe if you can contact his mother first.

LegacyUser

Actually, I found his mum on fb too.
I imagine she married because she has a different surname (tho he still has her maiden name) and she didn't have her picture up...
Im so tempted to mail her..but what to say..without sounding threatening.....

gerrycollins

does your brother know you found him. to be honest without him knowing it would be very hard to move on and start some communication with even your nephews mother, imagine his reaction if he found out you contacted his son, maybe secretely he does want to make contact himself but doesnt know where to start looking or maybe he doesnt and want to leave things the way they are. would you hazzard a guess he has told his current wife/partner the truth, that might be some pandoras box!!

LegacyUser

His current partner knows about his older son - they have kids themselves now. If Im honest, I think my own situation is somewhat clouding my judgement on this one. Like I said, my son doesnt know his dads family - they have decided to stay loyal to his choices. Meanwhile, my son misses out on grandparents and aunts and uncles - because of their loyalty to a man who decided not to take responsibility for his son. So who's right, or who's wrong? And who's to say my nephews mum doesnt feel as I do....

am i bovvered

IMO the very least you should do is contact his mother, it should have been done a lot sooner. Life is short. Worst case your family is no worse off and your nephew realises someone on his dads side cared.