She had a boyfriend....

LegacyUser

I was out on Monday night in a club i met this girl got chatting to her we were talking for half hour . All was going good I got food with her after the club. At this stage she mentions in passing that she has a boyfriend. Which i was quite disappointed to hear i said something like its a pity you have a boyfriend because i want to kiss you. A few awkward moments later we eventually did kiss.

I felt bad for putting her in that position and she was unsure how to feel after i guess. Anyway i walked her home, ended up staying the night with her and having sex.The thing is it wasn't just like a usual one night stand we both really liked each other .

I really want to see her again But i don't know what to do because of the issue of her being with some one, i know she feels the same. She said shes not going to tell him what happened , and we agreed to just put it down as a once off thing that would never happen again. she never cheated on her boyfriend before there going out a year.

And before i get slated I know i shouldn't have persuid her when she said she had a boyfriend but well things happen!!

Pyr0

You forget about her. You should have respected that she had a boyfriend and left after having food.

She dumps her boyfriend, goes out with you.. Then what ? She dumps you eventually after cheating to get with another guy she really likes ?

Not worth all the hassle.

LegacyUser

The commitment is on her side so dont feel bad and noone should slate you

this girl is really having the best of both worlds! and unfort if your not careful you will end up being hurt, has she mentioned meeting up again? and can you be sure you are the first fella shes been with since she started going out with her boyfriend?

The best thing to do is what you said and put it down as a once off thing. my advice is to stop any contact with her, its best for both of you, and get yourself back out there and meet another great girl that you can have all to yourself!

Emme

Poor boyfriend

Wibbs

Yep a potential minefield and no mistake. She tells she has a BF and then snogs you. Wouldnt be surprised if she blames you for springing it on her or "it just happened" or "felt a spark". Divert responsibility and all that. Speaking as a guy who has been the "other man" in similar situations in the past on more than a few occasions*, that's a common self justification thing Ive noted. As loxalot said though she's the one breaking trust(unless you knew the bloke), so dont beat yourself up too much.

Now that said, I know quite a few couples who started out exactly this way. They're in a relationship, the (romantic/sexual)feelings have gone and they're on the lookout for the next person. Common enough in people who cant take being single. So rather than leave when they should they stick around until they have an escape plan in place. Monkey people. They won't let go of one branch until another is in view or in hand. Sometimes as an excuse to finally leave, or as a replacement. Usually self explained as "well if I fancied someone else and snogged them I mustnt love the current partner".

IMHO The problem with this approach is the person never really leaves one relationship cleanly or works through the emotions, so they carry it into the next and the next, rinse and repeat.

Of course another problem is as Pyr0 points out that if this is her usual MO then take it to the bank that this is how you'll be dumped or cheated on in due course. Unless she's decided she wants to settle down so to speak and you're the last chair when the music stops**

Now I figure alls fair in love and war with a few caveats and people do end up in good relationships with the most inauspicious starts, but at the same time tread carefully girlproblem09876. I've been both you and Ive been the BF and Ive seen similar with mates, male and female and as a route to a solid relationship I wouldnt pick it as a good one.

My 3 cents anyway.




* so much so that at one point in my life I would ignore if they said they had a BF halfway through the night, as I found if I ignored it so would they, way more than you would imagine. A woman mate of mine used to do the same thing with blokes like this.

**I actually had a mate very much the monkey person type described, who was in an alright, but meh relationship(that started after she was with the last guy and snogged the next) and I asked her, why not break up and find something more and she replied she was tired of looking. At 27.

LegacyUser

Wibbs wrote: »

Yep a potential minefield and no mistake. She tells she has a BF and then snogs you. Wouldnt be surprised if she blames you for springing it on her or "it just happened" or "felt a spark". Divert responsibility and all that. Speaking as a guy who has been the "other man" in similar situations in the past on more than a few occasions*, that's a common self justification thing Ive noted. As loxalot said though she's the one breaking trust(unless you knew the bloke), so dont beat yourself up too much.

Now that said, I know quite a few couples who started out exactly this way. They're in a relationship, the (romantic/sexual)feelings have gone and they're on the lookout for the next person. Common enough in people who cant take being single. So rather than leave when they should they stick around until they have an escape plan in place. Monkey people. They won't let go of one branch until another is in view or in hand. Sometimes as an excuse to finally leave, or as a replacement. Usually self explained as "well if I fancied someone else and snogged them I mustnt love the current partner".

IMHO The problem with this approach is the person never really leaves one relationship cleanly or works through the emotions, so they carry it into the next and the next, rinse and repeat.

Of course another problem is as Pyr0 points out that if this is her usual MO then take it to the bank that this is how you'll be dumped or cheated on in due course. Unless she's decided she wants to settle down so to speak and you're the last chair when the music stops**

Now I figure alls fair in love and war with a few caveats and people do end up in good relationships with the most inauspicious starts, but at the same time tread carefully girlproblem09876. I've been both you and Ive been the BF and Ive seen similar with mates, male and female and as a route to a solid relationship I wouldnt pick it as a good one.

My 3 cents anyway.




* so much so that at one point in my life I would ignore if they said they had a BF halfway through the night, as I found if I ignored it so would they, way more than you would imagine. A woman mate of mine used to do the same thing with blokes like this.

**I actually had a mate very much the monkey person type described, who was in an alright, but meh relationship(that started after she was with the last guy and snogged the next) and I asked her, why not break up and find something more and she replied she was tired of looking. At 27.

I should have listened to you when you gave me advice a few months ago. I was in the same position but in fairness to me I was in a deep emotional affair at that stage. The girl (in a 'meh' relationship, and also 27 lol) is now effectively stalking me, and it absolutlly tears me apart that all she had to do was end her relationship and I was all hers, but as you said man of wisdom... these people carry these problems into the next relationships. Why the **** would any of us want that? In saying all this, I still can't get over her, as she continues to contact me. Time will do it I suppose.

OP, move on. The girl I was involved with is so hung up on me her boyfreind must be suffering. We are all suffering, all because I didn't respect her relationship (even though I was told it was crap) and also because she didn't honor her commitment as a girlfreind. If she dumps her BF and is single, then go ahead, take things slowly. Do NOT be involved with her as the 'other man'. I was suicidal and had to seek help in college because of my adventure. It opens up so much in your head, heart, emotions etc... not worth it.

G-Money

Awkward situation dude, it's a shame that you seem to like this girl as much as you do, because it doesn't seem like it's going to go anywhere because she has a bf. In fairness, this isn't your fault and you didn't pressure her or force her into it. At any time she could have said no. But I'm sure in her head she's justified it to herself because she told you she had a bf, and therefore in her mind it's no longer her responsibility that it happened. It's mad the way some girls think.

Best to just put it down to one of those things and move on. As for her never having cheated before, well I guess there's a possibility that's true but then again, it might not be.

The loser in all of this is the bf though and anyway, would you really want to end up with this girl when she cheated on him with you? What happens if she ends it with him, starts seeing you, then one night she goes out...

And so it begins again.

Just chalk it up to experience and move on.

Good luck.

gavney1

If this happened to me, and the girl broke up with her bf to be with me - I'd never ever ever trust her so it just wouldn't work.

dublingal80

you deserve 100% from someone, not 50% because she has a boyfriend.

Dont meet her again. If she isnt happy in her relationship and she likes you, she will break up with her boyfriend. If she doesnt, you know where you stand

Fitz Guddentheidt

I think ye'r all being a bit hard on the girl here. Saying she shouldn be trusted. The OP knew she was with someone and still gave her one. So he's as dispicable as her. Go for her man. Ye deserve each other and ye'd be staying away (for a little while anyway until ye got randy) from other attached people.

MIN2511

Lol... What have you got to lose? Tbh if i were you; i'll contact her... Chat with her, you just never know....

Most people here would say if she cheats on him with you, she'll cheat on you with someone else but there are exceptions and sometimes you might just be the one...

What have you got to lose?

C_J

Maybe you can't trust her, maybe you can...only you'll be able to figure that one out.

I ended up in a situation like that last year. He had a girlfriend, things got out of hand and one thing led to another. Problem is, one thing led to another for over 7 months. You can talk yourself into anything if you really want it (him/her) badly enough and can block out the fact that there is someone else but at the end of the day you'll never be the first priority in a situation like that and in more cases than not it won't end well.....and that's not even factoring in what could happen if ye ever got found out.

Tbh, if she isn't happy with her bf she'll finish it and then maybe something can happen with you. If you let it go further, you may find that she will never leave him and you could be in too deep at that stage. You might think it's worth it now but imo you'll be proved wrong.

ShagNastii

Ah now I don't want to offend anyone here or seem like I'm shouting advice from my high horse. I'm very much in the poor boyfriend camp.

When the girl mentioned she had a boyfriend. Takes two to tango I know but she probably told you as a warning instead of an invitation. It was would have been nice of you to be a sound stand up guy and respectfully back off. Don't get me started on cheat of any kind.

One of my relationships started in a way a bit like this where the girl had a boyfriend. We knew each other and I'm sure were going to get it on sooner or later. In the college bar one night we were chatting away and we end up heading back to her place. It was obivous **** was about to go down so I bashfully stated that what we were doing wasn't fair/right and F'ed off. We got together a few week after she had clear stuff up cleaning with her boyfriend. She mentioned after that night and what I did was the total selling point for her.

Anyways enough of me stroking my own ego. Your tone seem like your a bit torn up about proceedings and ya seem genuine but all I have to add is I really think the ball's in her court. If you had sex, got on well and really like each other then you surely exchanged numbers. It is up to her to sort out her side and if she wants you or feels bad she'll break up with her boyfriend (or even better he'll dump her) and come running to you.

I'm unsure if it is wrong for me to say if this isn't the case move on and don't presue the girl.

Southsider1

So. If you really want a girl that would be unfaithful to her long term BF with some bloke she met in the pub and shagged within a few hours, She's your wan! Is that really what you want? Does she make a habit of it? Do you make a habit of shagging other blokes women? Does it make you feel good?

krudler

Sorry op you have zero sympathy from me, she told you she was in a relationship, you kiseed then had sex with her anyway, showing a complete lack of morals on your part, and shes either as bad or worse. so the situations are this:

1.ye get together again, keep this affair going, boyfriend eventually either gets dumped or finds out.

2.nothing more happens, she winds up staying with boyfriend for next few years and cheats on him again as she knows she can easily get away with it, poor guy unknowlingly has a dirty cheat of a girlfriend.

either way you've had a hand in ruining a relationship, hope you're proud of yourself. There probably isnt a person on here who hasnt fancied someone who was unavailable, myself included, but you managed to take the big step and act in your own selfishness, bravo sir, bravo.

Bottle_of_Smoke

MIN2511 wrote: »

Lol... What have you got to lose? Tbh if i were you; i'll contact her... Chat with her, you just never know....

Most people here would say if she cheats on him with you, she'll cheat on you with someone else but there are exceptions and sometimes you might just be the one...

What have you got to lose?

Actually kinda agree with this. I mean I think anyone can cheat no matter how single they are when you meet them.

Depends on a few things. What was chemistry like between you OP? She had obviously thought about it as she told you but still went ahead.... Maybe means she liked you a lot, maybe she wanted the ride and knew she'd get away with it.

As min said nothing to lose, if you ruin the relationship for them.... well shes alreeady slept with a least you so not much to ruin.

krudler wrote:

Sorry op you have zero sympathy from me, she told you she was in a relationship, you kiseed then had sex with her anyway, showing a complete lack of morals on your part

When did he ask for sympathy? Do you really think her relationship was perfect if she slept with the op?

LegacyUser

In fairness, I wouldnt press the advance on a chick with a BF. But if she came onto you then go for it, some people cheat and if your a single guy(and don't know the fella) you might as well take the opportunity. If its not you its just going to be someone else.

As for the ohters giving this guy grief for chancing his arm he no differernt from a lot of lads, my girlffriend says when she is out and lads hit on her 9 times out of 10 her telling them she has a BF inevitably leads to them asking something along the lines of "is he here".

If she cheated on her fella with u and gave him the marching orders right after then consider following this up, you have no idea what her relationship is like and I know people who are in relationships faithfully now who have cheated in the past*

*IN all cases they finished with the person involved immediatly after and the outgoing relationship was a nightmare.

Ball in her court, dont chase her and let her do what she needs to do.

Wibbs

shoudhave wrote: »

I should have listened to you when you gave me advice a few months ago. I was in the same position but in fairness to me I was in a deep emotional affair at that stage. The girl (in a 'meh' relationship, and also 27 lol) is now effectively stalking me, and it absolutlly tears me apart that all she had to do was end her relationship and I was all hers, but as you said man of wisdom... these people carry these problems into the next relationships. Why the **** would any of us want that? In saying all this, I still can't get over her, as she continues to contact me. Time will do it I suppose.

Ive been in a similar position only I was the BF, she cheated, I got dumped, new fella and her all loved up yet she kept in daily contact with me for over a year, meeting me etc and the new BF had no clue.

OP, move on. The girl I was involved with is so hung up on me her boyfreind must be suffering. We are all suffering, all because I didn't respect her relationship (even though I was told it was crap) and also because she didn't honor her commitment as a girlfreind. If she dumps her BF and is single, then go ahead, take things slowly. Do NOT be involved with her as the 'other man'. I was suicidal and had to seek help in college because of my adventure. It opens up so much in your head, heart, emotions etc... not worth it.

+1. Only be the other man if all you want is a ride on the side(tm) and can live with that and the consequences of that. Wouldnt be my cup o tea, but people differ, though I still wouldnt advise that route.

ShagNastii wrote: »

When the girl mentioned she had a boyfriend. Takes two to tango I know but she probably told you as a warning instead of an invitation. It was would have been nice of you to be a sound stand up guy and respectfully back off. Don't get me started on cheat of any kind.

I agree 110% if you know the guy. If you dont it gets more complex. A lot of people end up with lifetime partners and they kicked off like this. It does happen. Bad for the original partner, but one could argue theyre better off without someone in their lives who thinks "im not sure". That said I personally wouldnt like to be the end point of a person with relationship trajectory that flits from one to the next. Usually the "Im never satisfied" type. they may stay with you but that dissatisfaction comes out in other ways.

I dont buy the warning part either. IME when its meant as a warning or explanation of their loyalty status its pretty clear and they dont follow it up with snoggage. If someone comes to my door and I tell them I dont want them to come in, I dont follow it up with opening the door and motioning them inside.

One of my relationships started in a way a bit like this where the girl had a boyfriend. We knew each other and I'm sure were going to get it on sooner or later. In the college bar one night we were chatting away and we end up heading back to her place. It was obivous **** was about to go down so I bashfully stated that what we were doing wasn't fair/right and F'ed off. We got together a few week after she had clear stuff up cleaning with her boyfriend. She mentioned after that night and what I did was the total selling point for her.

Maybe, but who is to say that was her backtracking from a moral grey area and explaining it away like that?

krudler wrote: »

Sorry op you have zero sympathy from me, she told you she was in a relationship, you kiseed then had sex with her anyway, showing a complete lack of morals on your part, and shes either as bad or worse.

Objectively she's "worse". His only loyalty was to a code of conduct in such things. A code of conduct that when examined is usually only given lip service or history gets better in the retelling. He has no personal loyalty to another individual. She on the other hand is both breaking the "code" and more importantly her promise of loyalty to another individual.

I've been cheated on(nearly always like the OP's situation) and I never blamed the other bloke. They were never anyone who knew me. They had no bond to me, the women did. They broke the promise, the men didnt. If it hadnt been that guy, it would have been another guy. If all guys followed the code, they may have just simply lied about their relationship status anyway. Ive been in two situations where I was the other guy and didnt find out until way down the line. The issue wasnt the guy it was the woman in question. Same for any cheater.

Initially I would have thought "that bastard, leading her astray", but objectively that was more to do with my ego getting a hammering, that they would leave me for someone they saw as better. Looking back Im glad they did TBH.

1.ye get together again, keep this affair going, boyfriend eventually either gets dumped or finds out.

2.nothing more happens, she winds up staying with boyfriend for next few years and cheats on him again as she knows she can easily get away with it, poor guy unknowlingly has a dirty cheat of a girlfriend.

or 3. she feels the vibe for the OP, drops the BF as it wasnt working for her and goes out with the OP. If it was working for her then what happened would be unlikely to happen. Speaking as someone who was the "other guy", no matter how smooth my patter was, no way in hell will you get off with a woman who is in love with her BF, even if they're going through a bad patch(unless shes daft).

either way you've had a hand in ruining a relationship, hope you're proud of yourself. There probably isnt a person on here who hasnt fancied someone who was unavailable, myself included, but you managed to take the big step and act in your own selfishness, bravo sir, bravo.

With respect I call shenanigans on that and IMHO ts not fair on the OP looking for advice. It sounds like you have been the BF in the past and something very similar happened to you, so you're still bitter about that, or at least its a touchy point for you. I get that BTW, I really do, been there, but ask yourself why.

In my case(s), I/we dropped the ball in the relationship, or they were emotional/moral morons. Usually the former. They were going to leave, or at times I was going to and the cheating was simply the catalyst. Usually they didnt stay with the guy, sometimes they did, but a point was crossed in their head that they were going to leave me. Yes it at times reflected on me negatively. They were right to leave(though they could have had the spine to do it better as Ive chosen not to cheat in that situation) and the other guy was a better bet than me at the time. Hard to acknowledge, but bloody useful in my growth as a person. Indeed I have learned far far more from being dumped than I have from doing the dumping. And I suspect I've learned far more than the exes involved and the guys they copped off with.

BobbyOLeary

Pyr0 wrote: »

You should have respected that she had a boyfriend and left after having food.

Why exactly? She knew what she was doing, it's not like he took advantage of her. He doesn't know the boyfriend, for all he knows the Boyfriend could be off cheating on her all the time. The blame for this rests on her. She had a partner, not the OP. He wanted her (terrible line to use though btw) and she obviously wanted him, no problem. It's up to her really.

OP, just chalk it up to experience. I had something similar happen to me a few years back and it hurt. I then remembered that the same girl who prefered her boyfriend to me was in bed with me the previous week. Only her and her boyfriend have lost out here. Just move on.

LegacyUser

Meh call me old fashioned but I wouldnt touch a girl who had a boyfriend out of sheer decency. And believe me I've had plenty of opportunities. Horribly selfish and horribly disrespectful to your fellow man. The fact that others would do it doesnt mean I am getting to lower my moral standards and follow.

I wouldn't touch a girl who'd cheat on her boyfriend either as I do hold the belief that there are those who cheat and those who dont and those that do always will do.

Motley Crue

OP, as much as I would like to dismiss the girl in question for being a cheat, I would think perhaps you should be worried of whether she just wants the excitement of your "forbidden relationship" over her own "stale" relationship with the current boyfriend

When you were told she had a boyfriend, why did you kiss her, why did you go home with her and why did you sleep with her? Why didn't you just walk away after the kiss with no number and say "she's taken?"

Asphyxia

I would honestly say leave it, if she likes you as much as you say she does then she would have dumped him and got in touch but if she wanted to hide it and act like nothing happend I would say she is very clear which fella she wants. Sorry.

opinion guy

I'm in complete agreement with Wibbs here.
Wibbs you should write a book dude!!;)

PaulieMac

You are single so not sure why people are getting on your back. You had nothing to lose. She had and she had the choice. Do you think she would have talked to you for a half hour if she didnt want to cheat on her boyfriend or when she got something to eat with you??????????? Get with the program lads. She knew what she was at when see said hello to you

seenitall

oldfashgent wrote: »

Meh call me old fashioned but I wouldnt touch a girl who had a boyfriend out of sheer decency. And believe me I've had plenty of opportunities. Horribly selfish and horribly disrespectful to your fellow man. The fact that others would do it doesnt mean I am getting to lower my moral standards and follow.

I wouldn't touch a girl who'd cheat on her boyfriend either as I do hold the belief that there are those who cheat and those who dont and those that do always will do.

Fair play, oldfashgent. If there were more people like you in the world (i.e. ones not wanting to take advantage of someone else's bad relationship or deceitful behaviour toward their partner, and justifying it by laying all the blame on the other party - did the other party have an affair all on their own? :rolleyes:), the RI forum would lose much of its traffic, to the proportion.

I have an acquantaince who has been having an affair for the past 8 years with a married man. I have rarely in my life seen such a concerted, dedicated, ruthless effort put into anything, as I have seen her put into destroying a marriage (she has lately succeeded BTW, he finally moved out of home). If she is blameless, I am Mother Theresa. Make no mistake, copping off with an attached person is the same behaviour, just on a smaller scale. But carry on justifying it all you want... moral relativism to my ears.