Awkwardness after Coppers

LegacyUser

Alright folks,
I was out the other night, totally unplanned random night out in Coppers, as my housemate that I also did my undergrad with got on well with a group presentation. So the plan was to meet up with his college people (most of whom I've known and did my undergrad with as well). Now they were well sauced, so I was kinda playing catch-up but I haven't been drinking for a while so it didn't take long, and I'm a bit of a light weight at the best of times.
Anyway, got chatting to one of the girls from the class that I've known for a while. Now, we're not close friends or anything and I only end up seeing her the odd time on a night out, in which case I'm all over the place (again it's Coppers).
Anyway, we we're chatting, talking crap really and getting progressively jarred. Anyway, one thing led to another, and we ended up scoring for a while, which was pretty good cos I haven't been with a girl in a long time. Now that's as far as we went, I got us a taxi, dropped her off, I went home pretty chuffed with myself (I've lived in Dublin for the last three and a half years, this was a first for me).
Anyway, I sent her a message on facebook saying, that I'd be around her area later on in the week, here's my mob no. give me a shout if you're free, nothing weird just to chat really and I was trying not too forward or anything. Anyway it was going well until the second or third message, where she was talking about how she was really drunk and someone told her that we were together etc... that she was really, really drunk at that stage. I was saying it was just a bit of craic, nothing terrible or whatever. And now she's kinda hung up on it, saying "oh I wouldn't call it craic" etc... I replied saying maybe you don't consider it craic because ya can't remember everything, I told her what I remember and that all things considered it was a good night, and that everyone gets f****d up drunk once in a while and it could've been worse. She hasn't replied yet, so waiting on that.

Seriously, we we're both really jarred, I didn't do anything messed up or whatever, i.e. take advantage of her, because I was concentrating on getting as sauced as possible and having the banter. So being with her was literally the last thing on my mind, I mean I went to college with her for long enough and if something was going to happen it would have happened already, that's the way I saw it. From what I remember we were both pretty happy with ourselves, really getting along grand, before and after scoring.
Now I'm trying to figure out what went wrong? It's not like we see each other that often, and I'm kinda at a loss here cos I don't know what the next move is. I mean, if she's feeling bad about something like this, I'd hate to think what she'd be like if we'd gone further. It wasn't as if I was looking for anything, it really just happened. I wasn't out for anything, I was mainly talking to her cos I lost my other friends and she's from the same county as me so it was good just chatting to someone from back home. I know this is an extremely long winded post, but I'd appreciate any help.

Faith

It's difficult to tell, because you've only provided your interpretations of the messages, but is it possible that she was really happy that something happened between you, and she's hurt that you've dismissed it as just "a bit of craic" and "it could have been worse"?

If she was that freaked out by kissing you when she was told about it, she'd hardly have texted you, would she?

ash23

mcnulty10 wrote: »

Anyway it was going well until the second or third message, where she was talking about how she was really drunk and someone told her that we were together etc... that she was really, really drunk at that stage.

So she didn't remember you guys were together? Someone told her? If that were the case she might be mortified in case she said or did something stupid.

I was saying it was just a bit of craic, nothing terrible or whatever. And now she's kinda hung up on it, saying "oh I wouldn't call it craic" etc... I replied saying maybe you don't consider it craic because ya can't remember everything, I told her what I remember and that all things considered it was a good night, and that everyone gets f****d up drunk once in a while and it could've been worse. She hasn't replied yet, so waiting on that.

She might have just been trying to find out what happened. If she is drawing a balnk from that night and someone told her they saw you together and saw you leaving together, then she may have just been trying to find out if she had sex with you.

The fact that she hasn't replied since you told her what happened (i.e. nothing) might mean she's satisfied she doesn't need the MAP or whatever, and you might not hear from her again.

Or it could be as Faith said either. It's awful hard to tell just on text messages alone.

tbh

she may be freaking out for reasons that will never be known to you - maybe she hates being drunk cause one of her parents were drunk, or maybe she had a bad experience before etc etc. That's just life - there are some things you have no control over. What you DO have control over is your own actions - you didn't do anything wrong, so you've nothing to freak out over. Don't feel bad, and try not to give it too much thought, from the sounds of it, it'd be a pointless exercise.

LD 50

^^+1 don't beat yourself up over it. It was a bit of harmless drunken fun. Whatever her reaction, it's not a reflection on you.

Partizan

mcnulty10 wrote: »

Alright folks,
I was out the other night, totally unplanned random night out in Coppers, as my housemate that I also did my undergrad with got on well with a group presentation. So the plan was to meet up with his college people (most of whom I've known and did my undergrad with as well). Now they were well sauced, so I was kinda playing catch-up but I haven't been drinking for a while so it didn't take long, and I'm a bit of a light weight at the best of times.
Anyway, got chatting to one of the girls from the class that I've known for a while. Now, we're not close friends or anything and I only end up seeing her the odd time on a night out, in which case I'm all over the place (again it's Coppers).
Anyway, we we're chatting, talking crap really and getting progressively jarred. Anyway, one thing led to another, and we ended up scoring for a while, which was pretty good cos I haven't been with a girl in a long time. Now that's as far as we went, I got us a taxi, dropped her off, I went home pretty chuffed with myself (I've lived in Dublin for the last three and a half years, this was a first for me).
Anyway, I sent her a message on facebook saying, that I'd be around her area later on in the week, here's my mob no. give me a shout if you're free, nothing weird just to chat really and I was trying not too forward or anything. Anyway it was going well until the second or third message, where she was talking about how she was really drunk and someone told her that we were together etc... that she was really, really drunk at that stage. I was saying it was just a bit of craic, nothing terrible or whatever. And now she's kinda hung up on it, saying "oh I wouldn't call it craic" etc... I replied saying maybe you don't consider it craic because ya can't remember everything, I told her what I remember and that all things considered it was a good night, and that everyone gets f****d up drunk once in a while and it could've been worse. She hasn't replied yet, so waiting on that.

Seriously, we we're both really jarred, I didn't do anything messed up or whatever, i.e. take advantage of her, because I was concentrating on getting as sauced as possible and having the banter. So being with her was literally the last thing on my mind, I mean I went to college with her for long enough and if something was going to happen it would have happened already, that's the way I saw it. From what I remember we were both pretty happy with ourselves, really getting along grand, before and after scoring.
Now I'm trying to figure out what went wrong? It's not like we see each other that often, and I'm kinda at a loss here cos I don't know what the next move is. I mean, if she's feeling bad about something like this, I'd hate to think what she'd be like if we'd gone further. It wasn't as if I was looking for anything, it really just happened. I wasn't out for anything, I was mainly talking to her cos I lost my other friends and she's from the same county as me so it was good just chatting to someone from back home. I know this is an extremely long winded post, but I'd appreciate any help.

First off OP, well done for scoring. Second, you did absolutley nothing wrong. You are playing it very cool and relax, dont get upset its not your fault that the girl you met like many Irish girls are absolute headwreckers who play these stupid mind games.

Now if this was any rational woman she would have simply shrugged it off and met up with you after arranging a date. You gave her your mobile number so it is up to her to contact you. Its firmly in her court. Its not like she drunkenly snogged some stranger, for God's sake she knows you.

Her behaviour is just indicative of the many women out there. They always go on on how men are creeps, bastards, drunk, ad nauseum etc. But when they meet a decent guy like you they behave like this. It doesnt take a rocket scientist to figure out that the reason they are single is that they treat men like this. If I was you, I would simply let it be and just move on. Honestly you dont want a headwrecker, just a nice decent girl. In time you will meet one but be on your gurad for the mind games. Its just so ****ing annoying.

Dont let this experience knock you back. Think of it as a nice confidence booster. Next time you are out or in Coppers, give it a go.

Partizan

tbh wrote: »

she may be freaking out for reasons that will never be known to you - maybe she hates being drunk cause one of her parents were drunk, or maybe she had a bad experience before etc etc. That's just life - there are some things you have no control over. What you DO have control over is your own actions - you didn't do anything wrong, so you've nothing to freak out over. Don't feel bad, and try not to give it too much thought, from the sounds of it, it'd be a pointless exercise.

For the love of....would you ever listen to yourself making excuses for a headwrecker playing pointless mindgames.

Jesus H, the lad did nothing wrong. Its not his fault that a majority of Irish women are like this.

tbh

Partizan wrote: »

For the love of....would you ever listen to yourself making excuses for a headwrecker playing pointless mindgames.

Jesus H, the lad did nothing wrong. Its not his fault that a majority of Irish women are like this.

none of the women I've met have been like that. If that's your experience, maybe it's something you're doing? I did say that the guy did nothing wrong and shouldn't waste time wondering why she reacted the way she did. You think she did it deliberately, that's up to you.

Xiney

Please don't tar all Irish women with one brush. You are of course entitled to your opinion but do not present it as fact on this forum - word on the grapevine is that After Hours is the place for that.

</official warning>

Also, get back on topic please and thank you

Victor

Partizan wrote: »

Its not his fault that a majority of Irish women are like this.

I think that is a bit unfair. Sure, many women give out conflicting signals or are "testing" the guy, but its not quite into the headwrecker realm.

PS Women are human too!

Partizan

Xiney wrote: »

Please don't tar all Irish women with one brush. You are of course entitled to your opinion but do not present it as fact on this forum - word on the grapevine is that After Hours is the place for that.

</official warning>

Also, get back on topic please and thank you

An official warning for what? For simply expressing my own view based on my own experience.

I'm offering the chap a bit of advice. That is, 1) dont push it and 2) they are lots of headbangers out there so be careful. He should expect this irrational behaviour. it comes with the territory.

Partizan

Victor wrote: »

I think that is a bit unfair. Sure, many women give out conflicting signals or are "testing" the guy, but its not quite into the headwrecker realm.

PS Women are human too!

Hang on a sec, are you saying this is not headwrecking territory? The guy did nothing wrong, scored some chick in a niteclub. Dropped her home in a taxi after probably paying for her fare. Left a couple of messages in facebook for her to contact him including giving her his mobile only to be given the 'Riddle in the sands' type response.

The poor guy is wondering what he did wrong in response to this one's mindgames. Put yourself in his shoes, how would you feel?

She's a headwrecker, plain and simple. Wake up and smell the coffee.

Nevyn

Partizan if you have an issue with a mod action or warning pm the mod
do not post about in the forum as it is off topic and
Unhelpful and off-topic posting will get you banned from this forum.
Do take time to read the charter which contains the rules and abide by them.
Have a nice day.
Thaedydal

JonathanAnon

mcnulty10 wrote: »

.. that she was really, really drunk at that stage. I was saying it was just a bit of craic, nothing terrible or whatever. And now she's kinda hung up on it, saying "oh I wouldn't call it craic" etc...

Sounds like she is having morning-after regrets. And I dont mean to be cruel by saying that, just giving you the truth. She's blaming it on the drink, possibly cos she sees that she has higher social rank than you, and would be "slumming it" by being with you. Is there any possibility that this is the case?

The "I found out from one of my friends that I was with you" line is disingenuous in the extreme. She doesnt have the character to face up to what she did herself. Either way, I wouldnt make contact with her again. Dont ignore her if she contacts you, but dont initiate anything.

gavney1

You are playing it very cool and relax, dont get upset its not your fault that the girl you met like many Irish girls are absolute headwreckers who play these stupid mind games.

What gave you the impression that she's playing mind games?

The OP saying "It was just a bit of craic" is a bit ambiguous. It could mean that he's up for a fling OR that he really likes her OR that he isn't interested. So, couldn't that be interpreted as "mind games"?

Personally if a girl said to me after scoring her drunkenly that it was "just a bit of craic" I'd take it to mean that she's not interested, that she was just drunk and is politely saying "no thanks"

My interpretation of this (and it could be way off, it's hard to judge from the post):

The girl likes the OP. The OP like the girl. But both of them aren't aware that the other one likes them because of thoughtless, off the cuff remarks like "It was just a bit of craic"

LegacyUser

First off folks,
thanks a million for the replies, all the advice is much appreciated.
The thing with me is that for a long time I had issues with meeting girls and have been seeing a counsellor in college over it, I literally had absolutely no confidence and used to get really depressed about it. Every time I went out, I would aim for the bar, load up on spirits and shots, roam the nightclub and feel like absolute crap. I see this as a building block, if she wanted to take it further, I'm cool with that if she doesn't it's a 'whatever' chalk it down to experience and move on.
I think in a way she might have liked me, but I don't think she wants to like me. I was the smart chap in our class; won a scholarship award, I used to give grinds and help to everyone and got a few people through their degree, I'm not boasting but every time she introduced me to people in her class now, she was like "this is the no. 1 guy in our class from last year". I think though, she just sees me as this.
If she could remember when we were chatting, we really got on, it was like she would say something and whatever I would say made sense, like what she was feeling about something. I thought this was great because usually with women, I don't know what to say. Then when we got together it was just so right, it wasn't planned or whatever, it was like "poetry in motion". I've never had this experience in my life, I mean I was drunk but I've a decent memory of a lot of this. It was like being JFK or Ray Charles, just this massive burst of confidence and absolute balls and smoothness to make a move, was as good as the actual scoring. She didn't get freaked out or anything, she responded quite well!:D
I think it was a shot out of the dark for her, I mean I never made a move on her for 3 years. I would have a bit of chat to her when we were out with class mates but she was 99% of the time sober and I was always pissed and nothing ever happened (I was actually after someone else in the class, but nothing happened there at all).
I think she wants to play it down to the drink and that whatever happened was because she was "very drunk". Now we all get very drunk, we all do stuff but it's not as if we don't have control or that we aren't aware what we were doing. She was very well aware what was going on, and she enjoyed it as much as I did. I mean we were together for the whole night in the place and when we started scoring we were at it for about 2 hours (until closing time anyway). I mean, the few minutes might have been fluke, but anything longer and there's something else, I don't know I'm just throwing it out there.
I don't all Irish girls are headwreckers, in fact I like Irish girls a lot really. It's the banter that you have with them that you don't get as much with foreign girls. And this one is from the same locality as me, a good few miles away but we'd more or less know the same county town spots.
She probably does see it as "slumming it" because I took mick about her farm or whatever and that all my money comes from the county council (grant), so there might be some truth in that one. And I'd say some of her friends (defo the other girls from the class) would think this. But again, this is all on her really and if she thinks that then that's her problem.

If she likes me, she would have responded a bit better because I sent my first message, smooth enough not being a dick and just being friendly (test the waters really and not leave it as just a drunk thing, see if it had any mileage).
Her message, half way through, changed from how she lost stuff (the usual antics) to:
"I actually don't remember but I'm told that we were together last night... I'm seeing some one and it shouldnt have happened I feel terrible but I was fairly pissed so I know I wont be getting in a state like that again"

That sums it up really, 'I regret what happened and the only time I could ever be with you again is if I'm smashed'.

Well to quote Jay from the Inbetweeners: "there's plenty more clunge in the sea".*

Thanks again for the responses folks, I genuinely really do appreciate it because I'm literally at a loss with this kind of thing (i.e. no experience at all).




*no offence intended, it's just a funny line from a funny character.

Ever2010

Well there you go - it was no reflection on you - more on her that she allowed herself to get that drunk that she was with you despite seeing someone else. That's why it wasn't a bit of craic to her.

Only once did I barely remember getting home - I've NEVER drank that much again - anything could've happened to me. It's a wake-up call.

ash23

mcnulty10 wrote: »

Now we all get very drunk, we all do stuff but it's not as if we don't have control or that we aren't aware what we were doing. She was very well aware what was going on, and she enjoyed it as much as I did. I mean we were together for the whole night in the place and when we started scoring we were at it for about 2 hours (until closing time anyway).

I've had about 3 nights in my life where I have huge blanks of hours because I was that drunk.
It's a horrible feeling, it's embarrassing and it's scary.

She contacted you because she wanted the low down on what went on between you guys but she's made it perfectly clear that she was too drunk to remember being with you and that she has a boyfriend and isnt interested in pursuing things with you.

It's crap but there it is......

Emme

It's a pity you two got together that way but:

Coppers + Drink + Culchies = Mayhem!

I know, I've been part of the equation myself many years ago.

The "it's a bit of craic" remark would have come across as a bit insensitive. That, more than anything might have landed the OP in it. Coppers is not the best place to start a relationship, especially if both people are hammered (par for the course in Coppers).

Would it be possible for the OP to ask this girl out for a coffee and apologise for insensitive remarks and just be friends at least. Clear up any misunderstanding.

LegacyUser

Alright folks,
I'm after sending her a message saying sorry if I was being insensitive and generally explaining what I thought of the situation. I explained really that I was just out for a bit of craic with our mutual friend and that was it, didn't think or consider anything would ever happen between us (considering nothing happened when we were in college together). I explained that I didn't know she was seeing someone and if I did I wouldn't have made any moves. Then I asked whether she would like to meet up to talk about it, try and patch things up. I said it's up to her and if she wants to meet up that it's cool, and if she doesn't then it's ok as well. I suppose the ball is in her court now. I would like to patch things up because it's something that doesn't sit well with me to leave it like this. Let's hope we can salvage something from this.
I probably could have handled things a bit better but I'm learning, so once I don't make the same mistakes again I suppose that's lesson here.
Thanks to everyone's advice here it's making things a lot more understandable for me, you've all helped me out a good bit and I really appreciate it because I'm sort of embarrassed going to friends about it and their advice is a little more 'crass' so to speak.

Eve_Dublin

Your right OP, there is a lesson to be learnt there. Everything related to matters of the heart is a learning curve. You'll get better at it the more you stick your neck out like you did in Coppers the other night BUT a word of advice: don't depend on the drink to make the moves and don't "load up" so much on spirits etc just for Dutch courage. I was out at my friend's Hen last night in Dublin and there was a friendly bunch of guys from the Netherlands trying to make the moves on a few of my chicas on the dance floor. I was happy enough to have the chats but nothing more but some of the other girls were definitely interested. As the night progressed, the guys got more and more shyte-faced and it was very obvious. Maybe not to them but definitely to us. They were messy and were just plain annoying by the end of the night and they completely blew their chances (they were definitely in there at the beginning of the night). Nothing ever comes of scoring when your so rubbered. Try and build up your confidence with the ladies without relying so much on drink and eventually it'll become second nature to you.

Best of luck OP. You sound like a sound guy so hope it all works out for you in the future.

LegacyUser

Eve_Dublin wrote: »

Your right OP, there is a lesson to be learnt there. Everything related to matters of the heart is a learning curve. You'll get better at it the more you stick your neck out like you did in Coppers the other night BUT a word of advice: don't depend on the drink to make the moves and don't "load up" so much on spirits etc just for Dutch courage. I was out at my friend's Hen last night in Dublin and there was a friendly bunch of guys from the Netherlands trying to make the moves on a few of my chicas on the dance floor. I was happy enough to have the chats but nothing more but some of the other girls were definitely interested. As the night progressed, the guys got more and more shyte-faced and it was very obvious. Maybe not to them but definitely to us. They were messy and were just plain annoying by the end of the night and they completely blew their chances (they were definitely in there at the beginning of the night). Nothing ever comes of scoring when your so rubbered. Try and build up your confidence with the ladies without relying so much on drink and eventually it'll become second nature to you.

Best of luck OP. You sound like a sound guy so hope it all works out for you in the future.

Thanks for the advice, that pretty much sums up everything nicely. I think when it comes to drink and confidence, it's like a spectrum: one end is zero confidence and just getting hammered and the other end is the complete opposite; JFK-esque confidence and sobriety. Right now, I'm trying to move to the better end of it, from the getting polluted end.
The main thing is to keep trying and keep learning and not become a prick in the process nor let things feck up my confidence (that's a tight rope and neither one of those is good).
It's like building up something and it's a gradual process. Before it was just getting out there and not stuck to the bar and drink; then it was just chatting up women. Now it's actually trying to make some kind of moves. It doesn't come over night and it definitely isn't something that can be planned for, it's where ya need confidence to just ooze from yourself. So start faking confidence and eventually the confidence comes. The main thing now is keep at it, and as Omar from The Wire might say: "All in the game yo, all in the game".:D
Thanks for the compliment!;)