Having a crisis and seeking a new beginning: but how?

Anomy

Hi, first post, long time reader of the boards. What follows will be pretty long, but I hope it doesn't come across as self-indulgent. I just need some help.

My story is that I am 1.5 years into a fully funded PhD. When I finished my primary degree I achieved excellent results and figured the world was at my feet. I had two choices: Either I could opt for a HDip and become a teacher, which I think I would have enjoyed; or I could apply for a PhD scholarship and, if I won it, would work towards a Doctorate.

Despite lots of private nagging doubts about my commitment, as well as lots of internal questions as to whether my heart was really in it, I admit that I was seduced by the glamour of it and opted for the PhD. It didn't help that the topic I chose to study was extremely arcane and difficult, and that an early academic calamity beyond my control severly disrupted my research plan. My supervisor wasn't very good either, giving me little or no help and rarely responding to emails.
But at the end of the day the buck stops with me: I wasn't interested, I wasn't putting in the work, and I was starting to feel like I'd made a bad call. But I figured if I stuck with it, things would improve. They didn't, and I just got deeper and deeper into it. I disliked the isolation and the feelings of shame I had when friends asked me how I was doing. I usually changed the subject. I was deceiving them, and I was even deceiving myself that everything would be ok in the end.

A little over half of the way through my social life started to improve quite a bit in the university (it had been very poor prior to this point). I met a girl who was just about to start a PhD in the same faculty, and we hung out and developed a great friendship, seeing each other every day and talking for hours, even late into the night. After two months, we got together. I fell head over heels for her, and our relationship seemed to blossom over a period of 5 great months. But postgraduate programmes sometimes have a tendency not to be too kind to relationships. I had to move abroad for six months, and after three months, we broke up. The break up last night hit me like a bolt out of the blue and to be honest I am completely and utterly devestated. I love her so much and was totally dedicated to her; she was my friend and my girlfriend. She was the main thing keeping me going over here, in a foreign country, doing solo research, with almost no meaningful contact with anyone else (it is hard to meet people here, even though I'm quite personable and very easy to talk to). I'm not blaming academia for the break-up (that would be foolish), but it was a contributing factor. And I realised that travel and uprooting are common in academic life. I know enough about myself to say at this point that it's not for me.

Meanwhile, now that I am abroad, my research has completely flatlined. I've totally lost interest, my supervisor may as well not exist, and I am resenting the whole thing. I struggle to motivate myself to do the most basic things, and I feel very lonely. My confidence is fast disappearing and I'm not quite the person I was two years ago. The break-up with my girlfriend has gutted me totally. And my professional life is making me totally miserable. I have never been so unhappy in my life, and I feel I need to get out of this situation. This 'need' really struck me last night after the breakup. I think it served as a catalyst for a lot of honest reflection.

But I don't know how to get out of it, however. If I stick with the PhD I will be miserable for the next two years and I will have to see my ex girlfriend most days with this new guy she has started to have feelings for (yup, that's why we broke up; one day about six weeks into my departure she just realised she liked someone else and waited a month and a half to tell me). I know the relationship was obviously far shakier than I realised, but it still galls and hurts. On top of that, there is the shame and guilt and feelings of hypocracy I feel about my work ethic, and about the fact that I have no plan for after I finish the Doctorate - most likely I would have to move abroad several times for a few years until i found a job, and, as I am in my late 20s and am starting to think like I want to settle a bit, this prospect distresses me.

So, I'm thinking of using the qualifications I already have (very good primary degree, a pretty impressive CV), writing off the PhD years as a mistake, and either a) staying in the country I'm presently in and finding a job and building a profession over here; or b) moving back to Ireland and doing the HDip in a different city. I think I need to do something radical. I am stagnating where I am. I am starting to disgust myself, and I often feel depressed and frustrated. The simple things worry me about giving up the PhD though: how do I tell the university? How do I tell my family?

Last night, after my girlfriend broke up with me, I rang some friends who I had neglected for the past year, and i realised the reason I was neglecting them was because of the fear and shame I felt about doing so badly at the PhD. They were all moving on, and I was drifting aimlessly. I admitted all of it to them and they were shocked at first as they had no idea about any of it, about how low I feel, and I was even crying on the phone to one of them (I never cry!). They seemed supportive and advised me to stop doing what makes me miserable. But the alternative is so radical (at least in the case of starting a life in a new country), that I'm not sure if it's foolhardy, or just what I need.

Please help.

Elle Collins

This is such a huge decision that I think you would benefit from some short-term counselling in order to help you work your way through it. I hope you do that because I think that's really the best way to work through this in a manner that's most likely not to cause you later regrets.

I'm also sorry to hear you're feeling so down. Please just remember this feeling is a temporary thing. It isn't forever. You will feel much better when you get to the other side of this.

cafecolour

I agree with Elle - the day after your break up is not necessarily the best time to make a decision, and short term counseling could help there.

It's a hard call. It's not that radical at all to quit a phd (people do) or start a life in a new city (plenty of people do as well).

OTOH, while it doesn't seem like you were prepared for it, doing a phd is almost always very isolating - it's an immense amount of time and work, and socializing time is often minimal. My sister went felt very lonely when she moved to a new city to do her phd - despite the fact that her best friend from college lived there too! But she had so little time (and it was a good 45 minutes to meet via transit) that she was lucky to see her once a week.

Losing focus or starting to dislike what you are doing is pretty common as well. One of my best friends went to get his phd at a specific university just so a particular professor - who as an expert in the arcane field he wanted to study - could be his supervisor. He hated said supervisor with in the first year. Exact same thing happened to another friend of mine - even becoming disenchanted with his field and hating with supervisor within almost the exact same number of months.

They all made it through and got their degrees. Though they still had what you may not - an interest in the field they were studying, and a desire to work in said field after getting the degree.

Def give it some time from the break-up before making a decision. Then seriously think through where you're going career/life wise. Two years is a long amount of time, but not forever. OTOH if you're going to spend two years to not finish your PHD and/or not use it for anything after, it'd be a waste.

Cheap Thrills!

I'd jib the Phd if I was you. Never mind anything else other than you are not interested in it. Will it help your job prospects? I mean are you employable now?

I don't understand doing these grueling, interminable college courses, post grads or whatever they are. I know there's supposed to be some sort of academic cachet etc but you can't live a lie to impress and imaginary audience.

Wasting your life away for a sham in order to impress.....who?

Get out of it, life's too short

ash23

OP, while I'd agree that life is too short to stay doing something you dislike, I would also urge you not to make any rash decisions post breakup.


I moved to a place to be with my ex and we broke up. There was nothing for me there at all. I wanted to move away but I had my job(which was ok but nothing amazing). I didn't know what to do and if I were to move I would have to have done it that month in order to enrol my daughter in a new school.
So I decided to stay for at least the year. I knew that if I went it was a rash decision made under pressure. If I stayed at least the following year I would be sure about the move.

A year later I was happy out where I was. I'd taken on a different role in work and was loving it. I had a set of new friends and a new life.

It's almost a year now since my deadline passed me. So 2 years in total. And I truly believe this is where my future is.

Make small changes. Sounds like you are a bit wrapped in the relationship and stuff and have neglected yourself. I did that too. And then when it ended I had no friends.
So I started getting out more and now I have a load of new mates.

Start small. Set a few small goals. Like making it to the end of this academic year and then deciding over summer what you want to do. IN the meantime, get out more. A lot of us are in jobs we don't love but that doesn't mean we are miserable overall. Sometimes a job is just a job and it's doable because the rest of life makes up for it.

I'd start making changes to my personal life first. Get that in order.
Because if thats lacking, a new job or a new place won't fix it.

LegacyUser

Hi Op,

I'm in a similar situation to yourself regarding the PhD. I think it can be difficult to appreciate the isolation of research unless you've experienced it. It can be soul-destroying and I know that feeling of wasting your life and feeling like a fraud because people see you as being such a high achiever yet you feel like you're contributing nothing to the world. And it doesn't help when you're often surrounded by people who make research their entire life and work 14 hours a day. I'm also toying with the idea of packing it in to move home and do the Hdip. It's a difficult decision to make but I think it's important to focus on what will make you happy and not do something just because you'll be letting some people down. If you do decide to leave they'll get over it. The only obligation you have is to yourself. Some of my friends who have left research have gained a new lease of life. I do agree though that so soon after a breakup may not be the time to make such a big decision. Give it some time and look after yourself.

pookie82

I don't have too much advice on the PhD front... I was working towards one myself for a while and left for a career I really wanted (no regrets) but I will say this to all thinking of coming back home to do the H-Dip and teach - this country is completely overloaded with people going back to college, the majority of whom are doing H-Dips. We already have a surplus of teachers in this country and it's only going to multiply radically in the next few years with all these graduates and no teaching positions for them.

So unless you think you can really excell in one, get top points and have a masters or some other notable advantage behind you, I would think twice about going into the teaching business. It's already completely flooded.

Cavehill Red

You've lost motivation for your doctorate. That happens at some point to pretty much everyone who's done one.
But I caution no sudden movements and here's why: you should always try to finish what you start in life.
I did a doctorate too, but ran onto the rails just before completion. It can come that late - life intervenes in your hermitlike solitude, as you've found yourself.
Short answer is, I never finished it. Years wasted, it felt like at the time, but I was lucky to get a break in a different area I found immediately fascinating, and like you I came to realise I didn't fancy a decade of nomadlike academic existence.
But my OH started HER doctorate just after I failed to complete mine. She has threatened to jack it in pretty much once a fortnight since. But now, a year after graduating and now working as a lecturer, she's made up.
Life is going to throw some **** at you, often when you least deserve it. It's fundamentally unfair like that.
The crucial thing is to know your own desires and to try to finish what you start, for the sense of progress and achievement if nothing else.
I don't think of my study years as wasted because I failed to graduate. But only because I feel I have to return to it, as soon as I can buy the time to do so.
Your research is paid, you're currently abroad out of the Irish recession mess. Try to enjoy it - get a bit of study done while you're there and try to enjoy yourself.
Don't make any long-term decisions until you're back in the country.

pwd

I'm doing a PhD and I agree that most people feel the way you do about it sometimes. If you decided to do it because of the "glamour", then I can see why you feel so strongly. I think I felt more "glamourous" when I had a job going around in bin lorries than I do right now .

I don't think quitting outright is a good idea, because it would look bad on your cv frankly. There is another option, which I'm surprised no-one has suggested yet: Submit for a Masters. That would probably require a lot less work, and allow you to finish a lot sooner. It would also look a lot better on your CV.

When you've just been dumped and feel isolated abroad, you're not going to be able to be the most objective for making decisions like this also.

Have you done your transfer yet? Most colleges require you to register as a masters student first and complete a transfer, if you don't already have a masters. That's regardless of whether you have funding for a PhD etc.

Another option is to do the PhD part-time. That might not really suit you though since it would probably drag it out longer and make it harder to motivate yourself.

This might cheer you up: http://www.phdcomics.com/