feeling alone

sun_moon_stars

Ive been let down by everyone of my female friends i had 3 "close" friends in the past few years and all of them have gone behind my back as recently as the start of the year its really getting me down because i never did anything to hurt them ive helped them to the point where i put them before my own relationship with my husband i made the decision not speak to them anymore because it wasnt good for me to be dealing with all their problems as i had my own going on at the time as i was sick

Right now the only person i have is my husband and thats it i spend everyday hes at work with my parents i dont have any hobbies or activitys to do when im finished work being honest im not sure how to make friends as my confidence has gone and im finding it hard to trust people but i dont want to be completely dependant on my husband either but i dont know what to do im feeling really lonely im the kind of person who gives 100% and gets it thrown back in my face for no reason

LegacyUser

I know what you mean. I went through a similar situation a couple of years ago. I had a fallen out with my two best friends (one of which I'd been best friends with for half my life). I was having a tough time then and instead of them coming to me to help me, they attacked me. Made me out to ba abnormal and that I should be going along with their line of thinking. It really upset me and I was in floods of tears. The more I thought about it the more I realised I couldn't be friends with them anymore. I took the decision to walk away from them.

It was only then that I realsie how much I relied on them. Previously when I was having a bad day or just needed advice on something I could always turn to them. We were always out socialising. We went on great holidays together. All of a sudden that was gone. While I realise I had made the right decision to walk away from the I did begin to feel lonely and feel like I had nooone to turn to.

For almost a year I turned to someone I really shouldn't have. I suppose I was vulnerable and feeling so down in myself. They were there for me alright, when it suited them. After a while it beacame apparent that this person wasn't gonna be my new best friend.

It can be hard to get yourself back out there. The thing is though you must. If you don't you'll end up getting stuck in a rut. It's great that you have your husband but it would be fantastic if you had a few other friends that you could turn to. Find something that interests you. Join a club doing it. You can make some great friends that way. Also if you have any way of reconnecting with old college friends or school friends, do that. I reconnected with an old schoolfriend recently. She has become a tower of strength to me over the last littl while.

Just get yourself out there and try not to beat yourself up too much

Cheap Thrills!

sun_moon_stars wrote: »

never did anything to hurt them ive helped them to the point where i put them before my own relationship with my husband

sun_moon_stars wrote: »

im the kind of person who gives 100% and gets it thrown back in my face for no reason

There is a reason. Its written above, you give too much. I think part of the problem is you sound like a sensitive and empathic person who is very much a giver.

UNFORTUNATELY, you are the exact type of person who will often get used.

I was brought up to be very conscientious, extremely considerate of other peoples feelings (always automatically put others first) kind etc etc

Big parenting mistake.

I have often had similar problems to you with friends. In other words giving very high quality friendship and receiving not much back. But i had to get real. My Mother was very mistaken to bring us up to be so unselfish. The problem is no-one else operates like that and they view people like that as being soft eejts, which indeed they are.

I had to radically tone down my expectations of friendship. Other peoples idea of friendship seems something far, far more casual.

Don't be the type of person 'who would do ANYTHING for her friends' -just dont, it will just end in disappointment and resentment. It RARELY cuts both ways. Also people feel burdened by having to reciprocate quality friendship so best not to put them in that position.

In my opinion the word friend as used now is not as was understood maybe 20 years ago. A 'friend' now is more like an acquaintance.

LegacyUser

Hi OP,

I can totally relate to your story. throughout my life I have been constantly disappointed with my friends who I would have given a lot too. One of my friends just suddenly starting blanking me for no apparent reason and then made up some very untrue rumours. At the time I couldn't believe it and was so hurt. this was a few years ago and while I am still hurt I have moved on too and have more perspective. I think I was exactly like you - I gave too much to my friends. I would put myself out to accomodate them even if it meant huge inconvenience to me. I now realise that this one friend never put me before suiting herself. At a time I was feeling down she would cancel plans last minute and then try to make it my fault. Would also ignore texts and phonecalls and never remember important aspects of my life. As one poster said earlier I think I had far too high expectations of friendship. I sort of presumed that if I was a good friend - others would reciprocate. Now I know that is not the case. Of course there are some true gems that you meet over you life but they are truly the exception! I did find that at times I felt resentful for giving more than I was getting back and other strange as it may sound otehrs do find that friendship burdensome! Took me a while to make sense of that one. Of course you can make friends going forward but what I would suggest is to suit yourself more. Don't bend over backwards for people and put them before your needs. Of course by all means do favours and help out/be supportive whatever but not that you end up sacrifcing yourself for them. Before I would go somewhere with a friend because they wanted go even though I didn't. If its somewhere I don't want to go I will say no now whereas before never did. Strangely I think friends respect you more when you have firm boundaries. Friends used to cancel on my all the time because they thought I didn't mind. I did mind but never said it. they would never cancel on friends who would ball them out of it. Go out and make new contacts but put yourself first and don't put everyone's else's needs before your own. Trust me you are far happier that way. Doesn't mean being selfish just means looking after you a little more. BTW I know how much it hurts but all the friends forever stuff women get subjected to is rubbish. Friends come and go, they change, we change, they disappoint,move on. it's all part of the life cycle. Good luck