My family is crumbling and I can't stop it

LegacyUser

My sister died three years ago after overdosing at a party. all her friends did drugs.

After she died I left home as i just did my LC and moved to Dublin. I go to college and work as well now. i rarely go home, i always travel when im off.

I went home the other day for a visit, i usually ring but this time i decided not to. I came in to find my brother in a corner afraid there were flies attacking him (he's 21) I went upstairs to find my mam hadn't left her bed for two days, I looked for my ad in his room but his stuff is gone, and I saw the old tenants in the small granny flat beside our house had moved out and my dad's living in there now. It's a mess, the house is kind of wrecked too, my mam always does the cleaning and has done for all my life. I had no idea they were living like this.

My mam went hysterical and cried when she saw me, and got up and started cleaning and asking if i wanted food cooked for me etc. My dad said he found it easier to live in the flat, and my brother does nothing, just lives off the dole and takes anti depressants.

What am I supposed to do, I don't want to go home but I can't stay where I am and let them live like this either...

Ickle Magoo

That sounds awful.

Have you any family members you could speak to? What about your GP? Or a college counsellor? It sounds like something is seriously awry at home but I doubt you are going to be able to fix it. Your parents are grown adults, they have to go and seek help - and get help for your brother if he requires it. Did they say anything about why they were living in such a way and what they were going to do about it?

I don't think you should go home but definitely let someone know what is going on and see if you can find outside help to motivate them to help themselves.

Best of luck.

profitius

Does your family have any interests or hobbies?

It sounds like they're just drifting through life in a sea of negativity with nothing to focus on.

They need to start focusing their attention on good/positive things. Get hobbies have goals and start thinking about their goals throughout the day.

I think you should organise a meeting and ask them are they happy and if they're willing to change. Get them to read some self development books and most of all get them focusing on a vision/goal/hobbies/interests.

Victor

profitius wrote: »

Theres also no reason to take anti-depressants.

You are not a doctor. Do not give people medical advice.

Now, sure, anti-depressants alone may not be as useful as they might be when combined with counselling or other therapy, but I presume there is a good reason to be on them.

Cheap Thrills!

It sounds like your Mother is clinically depressed and trying to mask it. The fact that she jumped up and started cleaning and offering to cook only when you were present, seems to show that she has lost the ability to function but had probably been masking it up until now (if she got a warning phone call in advance) and was upset at being 'caught' at her lowest

This is very serious. I can only guess from what you have said that your Mother was somewhat the glue that stuck the family together and kept things going. Your Dad seems to have fallen apart now that your Mother is no longer able to cook, clean and probably organise as she always did.

He has retreated into the granny flat and looks unable to cope as well.

The most frightening thing is that your young vulnerable brother is there alone with two grieving and probably seriously depressed parents. The fact he thought flies were attacking him (if they were not) is very worrying. The poor thing. He is young and in his formative years, someone responsible needs to oversee his care.

This is so sad OP, you must feel very upset yourself. I think you will need to try to get some outside help, as much as you can actually. Your Mother might be resistant, but there is no shame in grief. What it can do to a family can be seen so clearly here. So I would urge you to try to get some support and direction for yourself first. I hope things improve for you, my heart goes out to you.

MagicSean

You need to tell your parents to cop on and make them see how sick your brother is. It sounds like he needs urgent medical attention.

6th

This is not the place to debate medical practices. Any more of this or off topic posting will result in immediate 1 month bans being issued.

Nevyn

First off you have to stay in college and keep you own life going forward and not get sucked in.
Secondaly get in touch with any family which you Mam have who can support her and if there isn't anyone then get in touch with your local socail workers to see what help there is for your parents.

LegacyUser

hey to all who posted and thanks for those kind and helpful messages.

I've decided to try encourage my mam to remember the good times, and how the home used to be , when it was fresh and everything was ok. But this was all in a text message and she replied saying she's just been under a lot of pressure with her new tablets that keep her awake at night for her blood pressure. She didn't say anything about my dad. Unfortunately my mother's two sisters are alcoholics who didn't end up quite as well as my mam did, she has a brother who lives in Wales, I can't get through to him though, his phone keeps ringing out and I've no mobile for him. My mam and dad were always so strong , they used to do things together and the home was their priority. Now everything's been neglected, it's killing me to see it.

My brother's always had an active imagination and he is under the care of the doctor but I don't think he/she knows about this behavior or the apparent drinking my mother claims he's been doing, and I don't think if i rang that the doctor would be allowed to listen to me because of doctor patient confidentiality, they're not allowed to discuss whether a patient has or has not been attending as far as i know from my last few counseling sessions two years ago.

I am feeling very down since that visit, and have been feeling useless because there's nothing I can actively do. I thought about suggesting they come up to Dublin to see Ikea and maybe we can have a look at some redecorating that might get them into the mood of sorting out the house and then reconnecting like that...

I'm going to try my best to do what I can in college, but over the summer I hope to be able to help my family... I just don't really have many clever solutions.

Ickle Magoo

Hey OP,

There would be nothing stopping the doctor from listening, it may be info he would find useful. Dr - patient confidentiality would prevent him from discussing your brothers case with you but not from hearing what you have to say.

In the summer if things haven't improved, perhaps you could call a family meeting and get a good, honest discussion going and try to formulate a plan together?

uprising2

Sadprevails, I feel so sorry for you, I live in finglas and know lots of close people and families destroyed by murder, suicide and death in general, and what I just read is a severe case and will take hard work to put right again, but it can be done, always remember that.

I think your mother was the binding force and with her feeling weak, the rest of the family have slipped also.

All is not lost though, and don't try carry it all yourself, you simply can't and you'll drag yourself down, but you can try different things, and I think the first thing needed is to try motivate your mother, the fact that you motivated her by simply turning up shows it's not a lost cause.

I would suggest using meditation/relaxation/motivation cd's on your mother, father and brother, your mother in particular, get them to assure you that even if they are feeling down that they'll just keep playing them on repeat, over and over, I can assure you it will help a lot.

If your mother lies in bed get her to play it, just leave it on 24hrs, its a form of hypnosis and even if she's not consciously listening it will be taken in by the subconscious. Just get her to reassure you she will do it when your not there, and remind her everyday by txt or call, I guarantee you will see improvement, the rate of which really depends on the individual person.

But really this downward spiral needs to be stopped in its tracks, if you need cd's or whatever just pm me and I'll do whatever I can, sometimes we all need help, I've been there lots of times before.
God Bless, Stay Strong.

Taltos

OP - this will tear you apart if you let it. Something you have to keep uppermost in your mind is that you are in no way responsible for this.

That said I know you want to help. I am going to suggest a few things and hopefully one might work.
1. Folks - you can go to their GP and let the GP know you are concerned and you would like them to help. Yes - the GP cannot discuss their patient - but they can and will listen - you need to be 100% honest with them here. He may be able to arrange grief counselling etc.
2. Brother - again - you can go and talk to his GP - the GP needs to know how bad his behaviour has become - especially if they are prescribing meds.
3. Back to your family - just let them know you are always there for them. Try not to let them think you are judging them (not saying you are - but they will think this). Make frequent calls - and try to talk about stupid normal things. Do not pander to their "oh woe is me" - might be automatic on their side. Ask them about their interests, friends, even TV shows - bring some normality back.
4. You - most important here is you. If they see your college / life suffer this will just plunge them deeper. Not trying to put pressure on you - and really this is as much for your own sake as theirs - you need to lead by example here - show them that it is possible to move on and get on with your life.
5. Them again - don't turn a blind eye to bad behaviour - eg drinking / self-pity - let them know as nicely as you can that you see it but don't accept it.

I tried most of the above when my mum became an alcoholic after dad died. In the end we started proceedings to section her for her own safety after she started passing out and roaming the streets of home. Shockingly her friends covered all this up from us and when we visited all seemed normal. But the threat of being forceably taken into care and the intervention we did - basically spelling out that this was it - either she sorted herself or we all walked for good (and meant it ) was the kick she needed to accept that she needed to make a change. Really hope you and your family get through this OP.